"MY child, MY choice!!!"

[pdx.mothernurture]

This is the phrase that comes up over and over on parenting on debate boards. And I've come to audibly moan when the parent capitalizes "my" to emphasize their ownership/posession, all too often followed by multiple exclaimation marks. I can just sense the indignation in those words; how dare anyone tell them what they can and cannot do with their child!

The attitude is so bizarre to me...how someone cannot see their infant son, their own flesh and blood as a human being and an individual? How can our sacred responsibility to our children be perceived as having a right to do whatever we want to them? I see it as a blatant abuse of parental authority. I also can't help but wonder how that attitude pervades other areas of their parenting.

WDYT?

How do you respond to this knee-jerk reaction?

Jen

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you..."

-Khalil Gibran

[baybee]

The real joke on us humans, Jen, is that even with all this passion and disagreement about what to do to be the right parent, our kids will grow up, mess up their lives and blame their parents. The same thing you and I do!

I'm always telling you to not let the turkeys get you down. You're a brave woman going out to those sites and evangelizing on behalf of the intact foreskin. Just always remember that we do this because it's a game to play. . . . something we chose because it inspired us. . . . a privilege and fun. The most important thing to preserve is your serenity because, to lose that, is to lose the game. Love Baybee

[MelKnee]

Originally Posted by sunflower_mommy

How do you respond to this knee-jerk reaction?

I'd ask them if it is my choice to circ my daughter. Is it my choice to tattoo my child? Is it my choice to to do ANY other COSMETIC SURGERY on my child?
:Puke

[the_queen]

I guess it could just be a really inarticulate way of expressing their frustration at being told how to parent.

When someone tells me that slinging my baby will mean I'm making a rod for my own back, it really annoys me. And sometimes I can't think of anything to say except "well, would it be alright with you if I parent my own child the way I see fit" in a really snarky tone.
What I'm trying to say is that it's very easy to get defensive when somebody questions your parenting choices.


(Please note, I'm very anti-circ.)

[AntoninBeGonin]

my opinion

Jen,

I think people who are adamently "my child, my choice" either grew up in homes where they were considered a little less than meaningless, or they are currently in relationships where their partner has most of the final say. I think it's all a big power trip to them. They are gods, in a sense, with the power to control everything about their child--even which body parts he "deserves" to keep.

~Nay

[Slabobbin]

Some people just don't get it and until it clicks they aren't going to, they are just going to be defensive.

[gabysmom617]

What people to fail to realize, or blind themselves to is that one day that child will be a grown man.

No one wants to think of that little tiny individual growing inside of them or in their arms as being an adult with free choice and free will one day and able to take care of his own body and make his own decisions.

If a person had a baby and for some reason did not know about circumcision until later, after that child has already become an adult, would that person then pursue to have their adult son cut? Would the argument "well, I know it's your body, but you are *MY* child, so I want it done!" make sense then? No.

Then why should it make sense when the child is a helpless infant?

As much as I hate to see the day when my little babbling cooing infant turns into a man come, I have to remember that I am only safeguarding and protecting him until he is an adult who is old and mature enough to do it for himself, and make his own decisions. He is not my possession, he is young *person*, with rights and his own free will.

[njeb]

Originally Posted by gabysmom617

What people to fail to realize, or blind themselves to is that one day that child will be a grown man.

No one wants to think of that little tiny individual growing inside of them or in their arms as being an adult with free choice and free will one day and able to take care of his own body and make his own decisions.

If a person had a baby and for some reason did not know about circumcision until later, after that child has already become an adult, would that person then pursue to have their adult son cut? Would the argument "well, I know it's your body, but you are *MY* child, so I want it done!" make sense then? No.

Then why should it make sense when the child is a helpless infant?

As much as I hate to see the day when my little babbling cooing infant turns into a man come, I have to remember that I am only safeguarding and protecting him until he is an adult who is old and mature enough to do it for himself, and make his own decisions. He is not my possession, he is young *person*, with rights and his own free will.

Absolutely! We don't own our children; they are given to us for 18 short years to love and take care of until they can take care of themselves.

My youngest is now 18, and he's about to move out of the house. I have made many mistakes with him, but one thing I did right was leave him intact. I have no regrets about that.
To the OP: you can turn what they say around. Who owns the penis? On whose body is it? It's his. Well, then, shouldn't HE be the one to decide whether or not he should be circ'ed? If you leave him intact, he can decide for himself if he wants to be circ'ed or whole. But, if you circ. him right after birth, he is robbed of that choice.
Hugs to you for going to those websites in the first place! You are a braver woman than I am.

[trmpetplaya]

:

HIS body. HIS choice!

love and peace.

[rareimer]

Originally Posted by trmpetplaya

:

HIS body. HIS choice!

love and peace.

:

if anyone asks why we didn't circ our son, dh answers, "it's his penis, his decision. if he wants to do it later on, that's his own choice--though i can't imagine *why* he would choose to have a piece of his penis cut off."

[crlacey80]

I know it's upseting to see some parent make that statement. But if someone were "attacking" or questioning your parenting choices, you'd be quick to defend those choices. Over the years, we all make lots of choices for our children since they are not able to make the choice at that time. And while I don't agree with the choice to cut their sons, I try not to judge since most of those parents were either uninformed or misinformed when they made the choice. So my advice would be to take a minute to cool down before responding. And remember how you'd feel if someone told you that your parenting choices are wrong.

[morning glory]

I totally agree with "HIS body, HIS choice"

Even if you can fool yourself into thinking there are health benefits to circ'ing there is nothing about an intact penis that is going to kill your son in his first 18 years...after that it can be up to him.

Casey

[calngavinsmom]

Why not respond with, "well it's his penis, it should be his choice, why not leave it up to him?"

Whenever I have seen a person resort to this line it has usually been when any of their other arguments have been blown out of the water. They have nothing else to justify it so they are grappling for a justification.

On one board I go to, one woman actually said that she didn't read any studies or do any research because this decision was about her son, not anyone elses. Uh, O.K.

You see all kinds.


Tara

[Mountaingirl3]

How about if you post:

"MY child, MY penis."

?

[pdx.mothernurture]

Originally Posted by Mountaingirl3

How about if you post:

"MY child, MY penis."

?

Hmmm, that's interesting reverse psychology. :-)

I may just have to try it sometime...

Jen

[rootzdawta]

To the OP . . . I must thank you for thay quote. Truly words to live by.

[ScotchIrishMommy]

I'm thinking "its a foreskin, not a choice"

[Mommiska]

Originally Posted by Mountaingirl3

How about if you post:

"MY child, MY penis."

?

VERY interesting way to phrase it - that is actually what they are saying, although I doubt they would like having it put that way.

If anyone does try that on a mainstream board, I'd love to know what reaction(s) you got! It would be interesting (and revealing)...

[splash]

Parenting comes with no rights... and I wish people could get it.
You have no rights to that child. To only thing that being a parent gives you is responsibility. It does not give you the RIGHT to make any decision, it gives you the responsibility to do it. If it were about RIGHTS, then parents could do any old thing they wanted... because RIGHTS are for themselves. But responsibility is for others. And therefore it is a parent's responsibility to do things in their child's best interest. And if that means they have to accept that they were violated as a child, and that their child will have something they never did, then oh well. It's the responsibility of a parent to put the child's needs above your own desires.
We make decisions for our kids every day, because they cannot. But those are decisions that MUST be made. The kid has to have a name. He has to have medical care. He has to have clothing. He has to have schooling. He doesn't NEED to be circumcised. So, once the NEED of the choice is gone, the responsibility of it is gone as well. And only the people who think that parenting is about parental rights will continue to choose to circ. The ones who understand it's all about responsibility realize that they've done their already by letting the kid stay the same as he was born.

[AntoninBeGonin]

Originally Posted by splash

Parenting comes with no rights... and I wish people could get it.
You have no rights to that child. To only thing that being a parent gives you is responsibility. It does not give you the RIGHT to make any decision, it gives you the responsibility to do it. If it were about RIGHTS, then parents could do any old thing they wanted... because RIGHTS are for themselves. But responsibility is for others. And therefore it is a parent's responsibility to do things in their child's best interest. And if that means they have to accept that they were violated as a child, and that their child will have something they never did, then oh well. It's the responsibility of a parent to put the child's needs above your own desires.
We make decisions for our kids every day, because they cannot. But those are decisions that MUST be made. The kid has to have a name. He has to have medical care. He has to have clothing. He has to have schooling. He doesn't NEED to be circumcised. So, once the NEED of the choice is gone, the responsibility of it is gone as well. And only the people who think that parenting is about parental rights will continue to choose to circ. The ones who understand it's all about responsibility realize that they've done their already by letting the kid stay the same as he was born.

Splash, that was fantastic!! You deserve a post-writing medal!

Darn, I was going to give you a pretty ribbon as a medal, but the link isn't working for me tonight.

~Nay