Denying boys their right to have feelings - Page 2

[ToniaStarr]

I deal with this issue on a regular basis as I have two sons who are very different. One is very tough, rough, bouisterous....and what many label "all boy" as if to say my other son is LESS boy???!!!! My other son is more sensitive, empathetic, tender, nurturing. I hear alot of "you better toughen him up ..." or people saying he is "whiny, girly" etc... This leaves me very frusturated and annoyed. NOT with my son. With people who do not see the lovely potential in my older boy for being more tender. It is very hard in our society to raise an unbiased child. It seems to be a double standard. A tomboy girl is tough, percocious, independent... a boy who is more "feminine " in nature is weak, a sissy, etc.....
I actually am currently working on writing an article for Mothering on this very topic.

[muse]

This is a fascinating thread.

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Honestly...aside from stuff that's completely scripted, such as electronic toys that are purely "push this button, and this will happen", I don't really believe in "empty play". I've always felt that play is my children's purpose...they're learning through it, exercising through it, experimenting through it, and working out problems through it.

Thankyou, for putting your finger on something I couldn't quite! Yes, as a music therapist it's the foundation of my work that a child works through things through play rather than talk, and that no aspect of their play is "empty". And while Waldorf is wonderful for my son in that creative play is strongly encouraged, it bothered me that she felt there was a "right" and "worng" way to play. She also referred a few times to the "good little girls" and how she hopes their influence will rub off on the boys. But Waldorf is a whole other topic....

Tonia, I will be very interested to read your article.

[Godiva]

I would much rather see my dh cry rather than how he is now. He is so cold and unemotional. Just a few days ago I was sooo shocked to hear him say that he felt helpless in the hospital when I was giving birth (I did too). This was the first time he's EVER shared an emotion with me since I met him. It makes me so sad.

[wildmonkeys]

I brought this topic up tonight at dinner with my dh, father & fil....and

they asked (in a consensus that is rare among that specific crowd) whether I thought boys were not given the chance to express their feelings or whether society had expectations for them to express feelings they just didn't have.

I am not in agreement or disagreement, but fwiw I thought it was an interesting response.

BJ
Barney & Ben

[Laurel]

Originally Posted by wildmonkeys

or whether society had expectations for them to express feelings they just didn't have.

I know this is what my dh would think. We have had many frustrating conversations in which I've been trying to pry out of him feelings that he insists simply aren't in there.

I do see it a little bit differently with children, though, at least from my limited perspective from the one son I do have. My ds exhibits evidence of a rich emotional life, and because I have focused so much on "emotional intelligence" and helping him express what's inside, he is quite adept for a 3-year-old at having conversations about emotions and about identifying what he is feeling. The concern that I had with the neighbor boy that I posted about earlier was that he vehemently denied the existence of emotions that obviously were present.

The TV show talked about studies that had been done showing that as infants, boys were often more emotionally expressive than girls were. Something happens as they grow up to change that.

[flyingspaghettimama]

If anyone is interested, here is a longer piece about the mother-infant "still face paradigm" study:

http://focus.hms.harvard.edu/1999/Feb5_1999/ped.html

It seemed a bit more complex than how it was presented on TV, but still supporting the same concusions.

[eilonwy]

I haven't read Raising Cain (our library system doesn't have it, so I'm going to have to request it through ILL) but I just finished Speaking of Boys by one of the co-authors. Aside from the seriously pro-school slant, I really liked the book.

I'm very lucky to have a husband who was a very sensitive little boy with a tense, controlling father. He makes a concerted effort never to tell BeanBean things like "Stop crying, you're a big boy," and I've seen him tell his father off for saying such things to BeanBean more than once. FIL occasionally says such things, and Mike immediately takes BeanBean's position-- "Dad, he's allowed to cry when he gets hurt/scared, leave him alone." I don't have a problem with crying, but I do ask both of my kids to talk rather than shriek at me... and I suppose that if you looked at it a certain way, it could be seen as me trying to deny them their emotional expression...

Anyway, we both make a point of not doing this to either of our children. I was taught that showing emotion of any kind is a bad thing by my mother; this problem certainly is not limited to little boys! There's a whole generation of women who grew up thinking that if they weren't happy about something, they shouldn't feel anything about it at all and they should just ignore it; that feminine beauty means pasting a smile to your face no matter what and biting your tongue when something less than pleasant pops into your mouth.

[Alkenny]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom

I have seen girls that have been taught/raise to think down on the less "masculan" man. Going for the sports guy and not the "nerdy" guy.

As much as we need to teach our daughters to accept it and not look down on it.

Very good point!