Originally Posted by dharmamama
I subscribe to the "tough cookie, kid, it has to be done" school of thought for some things in life, but that doesn't mean that I don't work to help my kids to understand their feelings and help them deal with those feelings. I think it's important for parents to teach kids that 1) they won't always get their way 2) sometimes you just have to suck it up 3) you can manage feelings without a great big noisy fuss.
That doesn't mean I am cold and unfeeling towards my kids and their feelings. It just means that I don't think that contorting myself into strange shapes and tolerating emotional outbursts is always the best way to go. Sometimes I am extremely flexible. But other times, I am not. And I expect that my kids learn to express their feelings in ways that don't involve tantrums.
I thiknk I'm falling somewhere in the middle, here. I don't feel comfortable with the "tough cookies, kid" thing...however, having said that, I am not against coercing my child in some situations, or 'making' him do things sometimes....but, I do not ever try to control his expression of feelings, as I think it's healthy for him to get them out. I will empathize with him and say, "Boy, you're mad because X, I understand but we need to Y for Z reason." But I never tell him his outbursts are unacceptable...as he gets older, I will teach him more constructive ways to express his anger, but I never want him to stifle it.
To me, "tough cookies" means I don't care what he's feeling, and that is definitely not the case. I do care what he's feeling, I do validate his feelings, and even if he isn't getting his "way", I let him know I understand where he's coming from (but I don't get overly melodramatic about it). I think that, in combination with me just kind of getting things done without lots of drama and maintaining a calm, gentle demeanor, lets him know that he won't always 'get his way' without being quite so harsh as 'tough cookies', that it's OK for him to not like what's going on, but that it will still be getting done, and that he has the ability and resiliance to get over minor disappointments (though with toddler tantrums, they all seem like life-altering events, don't they?
I do have to respectfully say that this
Originally Posted by blessed
"Oh no! That's not how we act. Come here please. You heard me, young lady"
makes me feel icky...it gives me a "don't be a bad girl", or "nice girls don't X" vibe, which I don't like....falls too far to authoritarian (vs. authoritative) for me.
Back OT, with DS, he's disliked getting his diaper changed laying down since he was about 12 months, maybe 14, so we've been changing pee diapers standing (with pull up sposies) since then. I do insist on changing poop diapers lying down, because we've had some incidents where poop ends up in bizarre places and we don't always see it right away - long story, won't get into it...
So anyway, he is free to stand and do whatever while I do the pees, but when he poops, that's a lay down for the wiping. The pants come off and then the new diaper goes on and redressed standing, but the actual cleaning of the dirty diaper happens lying down...but on the floor, I haven't used a changing table with him since he was about 12 months. AND, when he does protest, I sympathize with him, "I know, you hate laying down and having me clean up poops", tell him, "I'm almost done, then you can stand up", and then thank him when we're done. This doesn't mean that he always happily cooperates, but to me it's not really an option - poopy diapers get changed and cleaned ASAP. But, I don't feel like I'm giving the "tough noogies" vibe, because I'm certainly recognizing the fact he doesn't like it, and letting him know it will be over as quickly as possible.
OK, so once again, I rambled. How shocking.
Just my opinion, FWIW.