Trying to write, so sad - Page 2

[stellimamo]

Hang in there. I had my C/S in May and I'm still crying and processing. But I didn't allow myself to greive until recently because I thought I was selfish because my baby was alive and so many others aren't. I don't know the pain will ever go away.

I saw the C/S awareness ribbon on th ICAn site. I plan on getting one and displaying it proudly. Maybe, just maybe that will help the grieving process.

[emdeecee_sierra]

oh, mama, I feel for you and my heart goes out to you! It is ok to cry, to grieve, to rage about what was done to you! It is ok to feel this way! My first was a "surgical birth" and I've come to grips with the fact that I will never be over that. I had something stolen from myself and my baby. I will always regret that I will always be sad about it. Time takes some of the edge off the hurt. But on each of my DC#1's birthdays, I am always sad. Always weepy (in private, I try my hardest not to let anyone else see my pain, I don't want to ruin or taint his birthday!) and always looking at the clock, (I am tearing up right as I type) sick to my stomach at how many hours it was between them cutting him from my body and me being able/"allowed" to hold him, to SEE him, even. I don't know if hearing this will make you feel any better, but please know you are not alone in your feelings of upset and loss; they are legitimate and worthy, valid, to-be-expected feelings.

[odenata]

You're not alone - hugs, mama.

I found that writing out my birth story was very theraputic, although incredibly hard to do. I also did birth trauma counseling (I'm lucky that I have good people in my area for this).

I would encourage joining the ICAN online support group, which I have found really helpful (also lots of women who could give great advice about having a hba2c!).

Let yourself grieve what you lost. It's important. I think sometimes women feel selfish or guilty for feeling sad about a birth that resulted in a healthy child, like they don't a "right" to feel sad about what they lost. For me, I genuinely grieve that I missed those first few moments of bonding with my child, that it was harder to do everything those first few weeks while recovering from surgery.

I hope you find a path to healing that works for you.

[mackenziesmama]

Oh mamas, thank you so much for your many words of advice and encouragement. I am very greatful for everything everyone has said. I have printed out all of the posts and read them frequently.

I finally did write her birth story, it is long-8 typed pages, so I don't know if I can post it on here or if its too long/boring. It was helpful to get it all out.

I also talked to the midwife who helped me during this pregnancy and will deliver my next baby at home. (Our intent was to have a hb with dd, but due to a temporary medical condition, midwife did not feel comfortable doing hb but did provide supplemental prenatal care during pregnancy). Midwife suggested that I try to grieve my loss, similar to the greiving process of when a person dies. I know, it's hardly comparable, but I was robbed of something I really, really wanted.

My new question is this...a very dear friend of mine is pregnant with second child and is planning a repeat c/s due to all hospitals within a 75 mile radius having vbac bans. How can I support her decision when I tried everything I possibly could to avoid my surgeries? I know that a woman has a right to choose and all that, but this is such a delicate subject for me. It certainly won't interfere with our friendship, but it is hard to see someone sign up for something that still causes me a lot of pain.

Thank you again mamas. I wish that I could give everyone a hug to let you all know how appreciative I am.

[2 in August]

Hi,
I just wanted to say that I had a very scary birth/postpartum experience. As much as I wanted to have another baby, I was still scared to death to go through it all again and my "baby" is 4yo. I just got pg (a surprise) and I'm having a lot of anxiety about being pg/labor/delivery/postpartum.

So I don't have any great advice, I just wanted you to know you're not alone in grieving/worrying.