Argh! Dh is clueless

[Rigama]

Okay, so as you all know, being a sahm is darn hard WORK. And to be a poor sahm just complicates matters even more. I work hard on all the details of our home, I am homeschooling (though dh would say "we" are homeschooling-HA!) our son, I prepare all the meals, plan birthday parties yadda yadda yadda. You guys know! So unfortunately, dh is unhappy at his job. Really unhappy. And he wants to take a paycut (nearly $4,000 p/y) move to another state and go back to the job he had before we were married and had a kid. His job as a manager in a movie theater. A job that he had to leave once we had a kiddo because he was never around, he worked weekends and nights and all other kinds of funky hours. And on top of going back to this job he wants to get his MBA so he'd be in school all day. Where he wants to move is a place we both agreed previously that we don't want to live (he's re-negging), I don't have a social support network and we are barely keeping our heads above water now. Losing that much money would sink us financially. And then to have him gone all the time and have me be, essentially, a single parent in a place that 1)I hate and 2) don't have a network seems selfish and stupid to me. I told him I absolutely support his going back to school, that I want him to be happy, but that his current plan will not be good for our family. So guess what he says. C'mon, give it a good guess. "If I'M the only one working in this family, I need to be someplace I'm happy" Funny thing is, when he left this job HE WAS MISERABLE. And he was miserable at the job before that one, the job after that one and he's miserable at his current job. He refuses to see a pattern and he's accusing me of being selfish for not wanting to do this.

I really am very sorry he hates his job. And I really truly do want him to get his master's if that will help him feel better about himself and his future prospects. But I 100% believe that moving, losing 4 grand a year, having him in school all day, working nights, weekends and holidays, and leaving me without friends/family nearby to help me when I get frazzled from being the only parent to a very spirited, homeschooled child is just selfish. And his comment about him being the only one working just has me ticked off to no end. And since I can't verbalize that to him without getting attacked, I just had to get it out someplace. Sigh.

Rigama :

[btlsmum]

Wow! I feel your pain, that was really insensitive of him. Here's hoping that he realizes he's being a bit of a wanker asap.

[mightymoo]

Yuk. Perhaps before making a move like that you could suggest he look for a job where you are currently that he likes better? Maybe you could figure out what it is that he thinks will be better about the new/old situation and see if you can't find a way to make that happen for him in your current location?

[Rigama]

For the last year I've been encourageing him to get his resume out there and find something he'd like to do around here. He's currently in a "all or nothing" mindset. Either we move and he takes this job, or we stay and he martyrs himself for me at this job. I have suggested the idea of him going to school full time and we can we can live in a cheaper place and cut out unnecessary expenses (like internet) and he can just work part time somewhere, I've suggested he go to school full time, NOT work and we get assistance from wherever we can find it. For some reason compromise isn't in his vocabulary on this issue. Which puts me in the difficult position of being the "selfish" one. The only other alternative in his mind is for me to get a job, FULL TIME while he continues to work full time...But I don't want to do that. And he believes that homeschooling is the best option for our ds, an option that isn't exactly easy if we're both working ft and ds is asleep by 7:15!

[darien]

Oh, Rigama, I've been there! My dh now has a job that he loves (more than his family, but that's another story : ), but I used to be in a similar position.

My dh actually quit his job because he "didn't like it" when we were flat broke and had a 9m old baby. I only had a pt job at the time. He did NOT have another job lined up when he quit.

Later, he went back to school, then dropped out-- he wanted to go to a different school, to study a subject that was very unlikely to get him a job.

I've always encouraged him to pursue his dreams, but you have to include feeding your children in your plans! I changed my career to help support our family, and now have basically given up my career to homeschool our kids. I've worked lots of jobs I wasn't thrilled about, but somehow only his "suffering" counts!

Sorry I don't have any advice, but I hear ya!

[artgoddess]

Originally Posted by Rigama

For some reason compromise isn't in his vocabulary on this issue. Which puts me in the difficult position of being the "selfish" one.

Okay, you realize that HE is the selfish one, right? He's a part of a family now, and he doesn't get to drag you guys along on a whim, time to grow up take responsability for a family and behave like an adult.


Sorry if that's harsh, I may be projecting here. I know your situation all too well.

[Rigama]

Yes, I realize he's he selfish one. I agree that he needs to buck up and just do what needs to be done, but I'm not sure if he can do that right now. This isn't the first time he's been so miserable at a job that he wanted to quit and no matter how supportive I am or how hard I try, I can't make him see that the problem is a personal one for him and that his unhappiness will continue to follow him. One of those"wherever you go, there you are" things. I'm thinking that at this point, if he continues to press the matter I will tell him that he can go, but he can go without us.

I guess THAT sounds harsh, but I've had it up to here!

[Tori Gollihugh]

I feel your pain, though not in the same way....

To try to come up with a solution, I would recommend (not that you asked, but in case you're wondering what someone else would do) that you drop the issue. Don't even really talk to him about when he brings it up, for a set amount of time. Maybe a week? Maybe a month? During that time, focus really hard on the issue before you sleep each night. Don't try to resolve it, but focus on the core of the PROBLEM. Kind of try to break the issue down into smaller issues that you focus on - one each night. Like one night you could think really hard about the option he presented... another night think about just the selfishness issue (not blaming yourself or him, just thinking about it). And let yourself fall asleep thinking about this... I suggest this because the answer to all your problems could very well appear in your dreams!

I've used this in other areas of my life as well as with DH and it seems to REALLY make a BIG difference.

Most recently DH wanted to leave his current position and move to another one. I didn't argue him out of it, but I made comments about the whole thing (both in support of his choice and against it). Well, I didn't really even know what I wanted him to do - just to be happy. I did, also, pray about the issue. The day after I prayed about it he came to me and told me that he determined that it would be best for him to work through his issues where he was and make the best of any situation in which he found himself. I was totally shocked... but happily and readily accepted his decision.

Basically, about the prayer thing... I believe prayer is a very focused kind of meditation. Even if one doesn't believe in God, you can still meditate (which is kinda what I'm recommending with the focused thought before bed, but not in any specific form). Anyway... good luck! I hope everything works out for the best and you can BOTH be happy!!!

[RiverSky]

In the past, I have actually searched and applied for jobs for my DH, my SIL and a friend. I took their resumes, set them up on Monster, wrote cover letters, faxed applications to every seemingly possible job advertised in the newspaper, etc.

What if you were to offer to do that for your DH and try to find him a better job in the area you are in right now?

I would also potentially suggest that in a month or two, perhaps a bit of couples counselling would be good...a way to ease communication with a friendly facilitator. Right now, he's being way too rigid. Since you are homeschooling, it's important that you are in a place that you enjoy since you and your DS are spending all day enjoying it. Yes, it's also important for him to have the best job he can have, monetarily and environmentally, but there are other options in this situation.

I hope things get better for you.

[afishwithabike]

Sometimes mem don't see the sacrifices we make to keep things going. My DH does okay sometimes, but he said something to me recently about how I dress. He made a comment about my t-shirts being "dirty". They are not dirty when I put them on in the morn. They get spit up on doggy prints and slobber from the teething babe. I look beautiful when he gets home. I have gottento where I just get regular clothes on about an hour before he gets here so he sees me before I get puked pooped mudded and slobbered on. He says I don't have many nice clothes. He's lucky I'm not a mamma who NEEDS nice clothes. We couldn't afford it if I did. They mean well but many times their logic is skewed. Good Luck mama

[Rigama]

The guy who does the hiring for the company he wants to work for again is going to call dh this evening to discuss things. In the end, I know my husband will not do anything that will totally sink us financially (BTW, if he were offered this job making as much as he's currently making, I would think about it even though I don't want to move again and we can't finance another out of state move). So I guess tonight we'll know more and he and I can have a frank talk about what both of our needs are in this situation. And last night I devised a plan of action for this talk that *hopefully* will take the feeling of being attacked out of it for him. After ds is in bed tonight, I'll open up a bottle of wine (we gave up drinking months ago due to being too darn poor!) and serve it with some sort of dessert on my good china. My hope is that by making it very nice and romantic from the beginning of the talk, we'll be able to keep it from getting heated.

Feeling torn like this really really sucks. I want him to do something he's happy doing, but I know from his past experience at this place that he won't be as happy as he's thinking he'll be. I mean, in all the years I've known him (11) and all the years we've been together (5) he's never been "happy" at a job. Ever. And somewhere in there I need to think about MY happiness too. Oh, and we've talked about couples counselling before. He's dead set against it. He says "A marriage that needs counselling is to far gone to be saved. We don't need it". Apparently my feelings on the state of our marriage don't really count for much

Thanks for all the support mammas.
rigama

[GranoLLLy-girl]

I didn't read all the replies--so this is issue has probably been brought up..but in case it hasn't been brought up--here goes---you say he is miserable now in his job (his words) and then you say that he was miserable in his old job (the one he wants to return to, if I remember correctly).
So--I am thinking that this is a much larger issue than him not being happy in his current job. That said, he needs to discover what makes him happy and then realize that there is no job on earth that can do that for him--that it has to come from him first.
Beyond that, to drag you and your family around to make him happy is selfish and immatureand I am sorry to hear that he has that attitude.
Hopefully this will blow over--it would be a bad thing for all of you to move to another area where you don't have support.

[Jenlaana]

I'm one of those people who just never seems happy at their job. For me, it ended up being more about lack of respect for my self and my place in life than about the individual job. I got pregnant when I was 17 and my husband left me soon after our son was born, so I was too busy doing the single mom thing to finish college. Its 12 years later now and I still haven't finished college, and hate myself for it. I love my son, but hate that I have always had to have jobs that made me someone's peon, and maybe even when they didn't, I felt like they did as a result of my perception. That your husband wants to go to school rings true to me. I would urge you to support him in any way possible about getting his education. It may be hard short term, but it will help him feel more confident and gain you more money in the long run. And I hated my ex-husband more than words can express because I blamed him for not being able to finish college. If you keep him from doing something he feels strongly about, he may end up resenting you, and I'm sure you don't want that either.

As for moving for a job he says he likes... we moved to SC (which I HATE HATE HATE) so that my husband could get a job that he loves (which makes him much easier to live with). I dont know if I would move again given the choice, but a happier husband lessens the pain.

so sorry for your situation. I know how difficult it is

[Rigama]

I have supported his going back to school since before we were married. I recently "stole" small amounts of money from our checking account to set aside enough for him to take the GMAT (a test to get into the master's program he wants), I bought him a study book for the test, I helped him to register for it, I took DS out as much as possible on weekends so dh could study for it. I've told him that I will do whatever it takes for him to go back, regardless of the strain and difficulty of it short term. After all that, he never studied and ended up backing out of the test (thankfully we got a refund) but the book is just gathering dust. It's not about ME not supporting his ultimate happiness. It's about him not taking my happiness into account and assuming he'll be happy making LESS money at a job he was unhappy at 3 years ago in a place I hate and have no support system while he's working nights, weekends, holidays and going to school during the day. I just don't think this is the right situation for our family. Going to school IS something I want for him, but not like this because I know it'll tear him apart. He'll carry guilt for not being around, for not making enough money to support us, and guilt for missing out on the important events of my and ds's lives.

[earthmama369]

I'm going to take a counter approach to some of the advice given above. It almost sounds like you're doing too MUCH for dh. It seems an awful lot like he's taking you for granted. You got him all set up for the GMAT and he didn't put any work in? Does he really want to go back to school then, or does he want a dream/fantasy to look forward to while complaining about his current reality?

I say that because I've been that person. I said I wanted to be a writer. My mother got me a bunch of books on different kinds of writing, strategies for success, self-editing, etc. She offered to pay for writing classes. She took me to the library, lectures, book signings. If I had *really* wanted to be a writer, that kind of support would have been a godsend -- absolutely amazing, incredible, and appreciated. As it turns out, I wanted the glamour of being a writer, the sound of it, without any of the work. So I didn't appreciate what she was trying to do for me, I felt oppressed and pressured by it.

Of course, I was 10.

Your dh is an adult, and it sounds like he has some bad habits to break, both in his thought patterns and his actions. If he really wants to do something like go back to school or find a better job, I wouldn't do the prep work for him. If he wants it badly enough, he'll do it. If not, he has no one to blame but himself. I would support him emotionally and verbally, but expect him to do the work to make it happen -- maybe he'll learn to appreciate the process, and all the work you already do for your family, more. At least, that's what it took for me.

(I've also found, because I get really emotional -- especially when I'm pregnant -- and knee-jerk defensive in conversations with my dh, that sitting down with a pad and pen and listing the pros and cons of a decision, and our perceptions of how it would affect us, really helps keep a lid on the discussion and keep us from wandering off into the craptacular arena of accusations and blame.)

Good luck!

[Rigama]

Wow, Sarah, I think you may be on to something. In all the ways I've been trying to SHOW that I support him, it's possible that he didn't really want that support to begin with. I belive that he really wants to go back to school, but he's too afraid of failing to do the work and study for the test (he's been looking into going to the Univ. Of Pheonix which doesn't require testing in). Honestly I believe if he wants to go back he needs to go to a "traditional" program as opposed to someplace like that. I'm not in the corporate world, but it seems to me I never actually hear of employers who take those degrees at all seriously. However, if that's what would help him to feel better about himself, then I would support that decision. But UGH, he just can't find a plan and stick with it. Go to school, don't go. Find a new job, stay at his current one. Move to another place and not go to school, move and DO go to school. It's making me dizzy!

If I could have my way he would take the GMAT, get into Grad. School and do that FULL TIME and if he felt (for the sake of his manhood) that he had to work, just do so part time. This would all be done where we currently live. Then, after he get's his master's degree and gets a job offer someplace else, we move. That makes sense to me. But I guess this is his decision to make and if he wants to do anything HE needs to do it. I will try that approach hopefully tonight we'll be able to figure out what he wants to do and how we will proceed. I also like the idea of sitting down with a pad of paper and a pen.

[*Devon*]

I couldn't read this and not reply. to you, mama!!

Forgive me for not being diplomatic, but it sounds like your husband is acting like a spoiled little kid. He has no idea what he wants, and he is dragging you and your son down in the process of searching for it. But he's not even going about it the right way, if he is just going to keep trying the same things over and over and hope they work.

I don't think you need marriage counseling-- I think HE needs to seek counseling and figure out what it is he is trying to get out of life.

You have done so much for him already-- it's time to sit back and let him take responsibility for his actions. Sit him down with a copy of your current monthly budget, and ask him to figure out a way for you to live on $4000 less. Tell him if he wants to move, he should find a place for you to live and a way to pay for moving expenses. So many men are clueless because women take too good care of them (this was my parents' biggest problem, too, and it led to them splitting up). See how he feels once he sees reality.

Just out of curiosity, if he's so desperate to be manager of a movie theater, why can't he just find one closer to where you live now? I don't know where you live but around here movie theaters are not that hard to find.

[Rigama]

Simple answer to why he can't find a different movie theater to manage...Because he insists that this particular chain is better than the others...And it just so happens they don't have any theaters in our state. He is actually quite turned off by working for a different theater chain. I dunno. Whatever.

[*Devon*]

Well that just sounds like a big fat ole EXCUSE.

[rebeccalizzie]

I'll reply on the U of Phoenix thing. I have my degree from there, and I was just plain lucky that I got a job somewhere that doesn't care. The place is such a spam mill that they've gotten a really bad reputation, even though the education is actually pretty good.

Also, it is *the* most expensive school I've ever seen. The only reason I went there is that my company paid for it! We are talking $400 a credit hour and that was 3 years ago. And I was an undergrad. I'm thinking $500 a credit hour easily for your DH. If he desperately wants to do online (which was nice, I'll admit, and I'd do that part again) look for a regular university with an online program. Most have them now. I work for a major university, and our diplomas from our online programs simply say you graduated from University of X. No mention of online. And did I mention in state tuition is $180 a credit hour? Honestly, if he can't be bothered to take the GMAT, he doesn't want it that badly, he isn't going to do his homework or study for tests, and you are going to be wasting a huge crapload of money.

Anyway, I don't have good advice, because I think I'd have to smack him upside the head and that doesn't go over very well in marriage Good luck...maybe he's just dreaming out loud, I do that sometimes.