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Husband just called

post #1 of 20
Thread Starter 
Well my husband just called and he cant come home at all... If i could go beat the crap out of his captin i would... He promised us both that he would be able to come home.. I'm so tired of all of this. I have to drive my self to the hospital and back during labor, i have NO ONE that can even help me afterwards... I've taken care of Newborns and babies thats not what i'm worried about. Our daughter will be almost 3 months old when he gets back... She wont even know who he is.. To tell you the truth i am absolutly TERRIFIED to give birth alone.. This is my first time i wanted him to be here to support me and nope... I never thought i would ever have to do this by myself.My whole little life i always pictured my husband there holding my hand.. What a laugh.. I"m telling you i cant STAND the goverment at the moment.. Ive talked to so many women who have had to do this all by themselves because of there husband was in the military... Even when we got pregnant we were told (since i am high risk) that he wouldn't have to go out for more than a week... What a bunch of bs...........
post #2 of 20
Hugs!!!! My dh spent 4 years in the Army and I know exactly how you feel. Promises are made to be broken I was once told by one of my husband's superiors...and I was harshly reminded that for 4 years the only person my dh had to be there for was the US Army. It is a sucky place to be and I hope that you can find some help and support. Maybe you should try to find a volunteer doula in the area....just so then you don't have to go alone. I feel for you thugh and I understand 100% how much the military life sucks.
Alicia
post #3 of 20
I'm so sorry. My fil was on subs and missed my dh's birth. If I were near you, I'd help any way I could. Is there a spouse's support group of any kind that you could turn to? Or have you posted in Finding Your Tribe?
post #4 of 20
Thread Starter 
Iwould much rather just be by myself than with someone i didn't even know... I mean like with the doula thing. I would be really uncomfortable with someone like that... I just know that this isn't going to be a "good" experience at all.. I'm going to HATE giving birth it makes me feel like even seeing my child for the first time will be terrible... UGH... I dont really get into the whole "navy wife" club thing... They are SO much older than me they look at me like i'm a nobody... Its just more annoying than benifical....
post #5 of 20
Hugs, hugs, hugs,. I know so well how you feel. Even though I have not given birth without my dh, everything else under the sun the Army took him away for!!! They suck big time and as a pp said, promises are made to be broken with them. They lie, lie, lie!!!! But nonetheless, don't let it spoil the joy of your baby. It is you and your husband's creation, it is a gift. he/she will always be there and that will make you stronger!!! I know it sucks, but your dh needs you to be strong now (I am sure he feels like crap also), so does your babe. I never got into any of their support groups at all either, I am not one of the flag wagging Army gals that is oh so proud, so I can feel your pain. Your dh is with you, even if not in person and I vote for you, too. Whatever that helps
You are a woman, you are strong and you are a mother. You can do it!!!!!
lots of love, Liane
post #6 of 20
Where is your mother/sister in a time of need like this??? Even his mother would be nice at this point... Is there any way that one of them could come help you?? Even if it is just to give you a hand for a week or so... It would be nice...

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that by some miracle his captain will grow balls and let him come home!!!
post #7 of 20
I don't have any words of wisdom, but lots of hugs! I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you!
post #8 of 20
That so totally sucks. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I wish they were more humane.

Just a thought - definitely sit with your anger and disappointment for a while before making any final decisions. This is not what you planned and that's going to take some time to process. The next step is, "okay, NOW what?" Don't rule a doula out quite yet. A doula will meet with you at least 2 times before birth, so she won't be a stranger. You may well find someone you really connect with, and will at least know her better than whatever random person is working at the time you give birth, and her job will be to support you and ONLY you, whereas hospital staff will be supporting multiple people and might not be there when you need something. Not to mention that a good doula will know what you need better than you will!

{{{Hugs}}} to you. Maybe you should get a dart board and pretend you're throwing darts at the big honchos' heads.... Whoops, did I really say that on this non-violent MDC forum?

Carol
post #9 of 20
Thread Starter 
Well my mother lives with us but she has MS and is disabled it would be really hard for me to get her in and out of the car while in labor.. Thats another thing there wont be anybody to help care for my mother at night while i'm in the hospital. Someone will be there in the morning (hopfully) but at night is a different story.. My brother was supose to come up but he is in the middle of fighting for custody for his son so he is stuck down there with court dates.... Its horrible i'm so depressed i dont want to leave my house i dont want to get dressed i dont even want to get off the couch.. I'm afraid i am going to just be so depressed that i am not going to want to do anything even after she is born.. I have no groceries but i feel so crappy i wont even go to the story to buy more.... I've never been like this and i'm afraid that i wont ever go back to normal... :
post #10 of 20
Your brother's custody issues sound challenging, but are NOT an excuse not to be available to help you and your mom. YOU NEED HELP. Not because you are weak, or incapable, but because ANYONE and EVERYONE in your situation would need help. I have a ton of help lined up this time, because I figure it's a whole lot easier to call and cancel someone helping than to be knee-deep in baby poop and trying to frantically figure out someone to call. All new mamas deserve hands-on support!

Just wanted to say: Depression in pregnancy is actually very common. Postpartum depression we've all heard of and it affects somewhere around 20% of women. Well, antepartum (during pregnancy) depression affects about the same amount of women! But we don't hear about it as often, and it's even harder to talk about.

Sometimes mood can be low situationally. Like if you get crappy news that your DH can't be with you for birth, or you don't get enough sleep, or someone close to you dies, then your mood can be low for a period of time before starting to improve on its own. But if you've already been feeling down and/or it lasts more than a couple of weeks, and nothing seems to lift you out of the fog, then you might want to get some assistance for depression. There is a website that might be of interest at http://postpartum.net/. Lots of books, phone lines, and resources are available out there. There's also a great "postpartum depression" forum here at MDC with amazing women, and you don't have to be post-baby to go there and get support or ask questions.

I've dealt with depression for about 3 years now, including during this pregnancy. I've found how to manage it pretty well, but it's taken time and hasn't been a picnic along the way. Just wanted to say that if you feel like you're heading down that path, there is a lot of help available and you are so not alone!!! It's really hard right now, I can "hear" that in your posts. I wish we could all come give you a hug IRL. The other thing to know somewhere in the back of your mind is that someday you WILL feel better. Depression, if that's what you have is treatable. Pregnancy is not permanent (thank heavens!). And even taking care of a baby only lasts a little while. It will get better and there are resources for helping you feel better even sooner. (If I hadn't been so unbelievably freakin' stubborn I'd have gotten help a lot sooner myself, LOL!) Hang in there.

Carol
post #11 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Preciousfaerie7
Iwould much rather just be by myself than with someone i didn't even know... I mean like with the doula thing. I would be really uncomfortable with someone like that... I just know that this isn't going to be a "good" experience at all.. I'm going to HATE giving birth it makes me feel like even seeing my child for the first time will be terrible... UGH... I dont really get into the whole "navy wife" club thing... They are SO much older than me they look at me like i'm a nobody... Its just more annoying than benifical....
I want you to know I've been thinking about you all day. I read this thread earlier - and your earlier thread before, but didn't post partly because I didn't knwo what to say and partly because my little monkey is usually climbing all over me when I'm on the computer.

First, let me just offer you a big ole pregnant hug - your situation sounds like no fun, and I don't blame you at all for feeling depressed. Heck, I've got lots of support and am feeling pretty good about my birthing plan, but I'm still tired of being pregnant and crabby and nervous about the big day and wanting to cry for no reason or at the very least take a nap and ignore my daughter and forget about making dinner. Not having your husband there just seems like no fair at all.

Okay, now here comes the tough love. You have GOT to go ahead and feel the anger, process your feelings about this situation - be pissed off, be sad, be whatever it is you're feeling but do your best to get it through your system as much as you can and to start visualizing and planning ways to make this birth a positive one. You are only going to get to welcome this particular baby into the world one time. You have to take a crappy situation and find some silver lining in it.

My story is going to sound like no big deal compared to what you're going through, but I had my heart set on a natural birth with my DD, had gone to Bradley classes, hired a doula, the whole bit - and she was breech. Stayed breech despite weeks of every attempt imaginable to get her to turn. I even had TWO very painful external version attempts. C-section was the last thing I wanted, but it was the right choice in the end. Well, I spent the last week or two of being pregnant figuring out the best possible c-section scenario and long story long we had an awesome birthday for my daughter.

Okay - so for your situation. I hear you worrying about transportation to and from the hospital. I don't want you driving yourself during labor, and I think if you were to allow some people around you to know what's going on, they would want to help. Even if it is the navy wife that you don't particularly care for or fit in with, I bet she would rather give you a ride to the hospital than know that you are going alone. Visualize it - wouldn't you rather be safely belted in the passenger seat while someone clearheaded is driving?

Okay, and you're saying right now that you'd rather be alone than with a stranger for a doula. Well, you're going to be surrounded by strangers at the hospital. Wouldn't you like to have at least one stranger who is there the whole time with you and is on your side doing her best to support you even through shift changes and regardless of how many other moms are in labor that day? No, it's not your husband. But something is better than nothing. And if you can't find a certified doula to sit with you, maybe one of those navy wife women would even be better than nothing.

The attitude of "I know I'm going to HATE giving birth" has got to stop. If you keep telling yourself that, then guess what - you will. You need to start thinking through and visualizing a scenario where you DON'T hate giving birth. Where you experience that new baby passing through you, you reach out and touch it for the first time, you hold it and nurse it and bless it with all your love. Maybe you can imagine your husband there in spirit, and if you can savor the experience so that you can tell him about it later, then in a way, he will have been there because I know he'll be thinking about you.

I've had some major bouts of depression in my life. I know what it's like to get into that pit and feel like there is no way out and nothing is ever going to get better and that life is always going to suck. Words can't describe how horrible it is. The biggest step to getting out of that blackness for me has always been to start taking some action. Make some kind of plan - get some help. Just knowing that you are DOING something to make it better does make it better.

Okay, and I know I've been hard enough on you already. I'm sorry to come off as such a tough b**ch. But I just want to add one more thing. Please make sure you take care of yourself physically right now. Eat some healthy food, get some good sleep, stay well hydrated. If you're behind on those things when you go into labor, it is very hard to catch up. You'll need every ounce of your natural strength to get through this intact!

All my best, warmest thoughts to you and your family in this tough time!

Shelly
post #12 of 20
Wow - I hate to hear how things are going for you - so sad you don't have a friend in the wives support group and wish you felt different about a Doula. My dh is a submariner and I TOTALLY get how defeated/pissed/sad you feel over your dh not being able to come home. I would hate to have a baby alone and I don't warm up to strangers real quick either. You definitely need to seek help though - you have a lot of logistical problems you need help with and you really need help getting into a good frame of mind about your birth. You need to talk to your Ombudsman about it - she is there to help you and even if you don't want to "make a friend" in a hurry or have practical strangers at a very emotional/spiritual/private moment of your life, maybe they could help you out with the logistics of it. For example, give you a ride to the hosp, walk you up to L&D and then leave. Or pick up a few groceries for you. If you don't want to go to the wives group you need to talk to your provider, tell them everything that is going on, maybe they can get you linked up with someone who can help care for your mom etc Please get some help. Maybe the Ombudsman can communicate with the command on your behalf - this is exactly her job - to tell them you really need him home and not just because you are lonely for him but because you seriously are having some issues with depression. If you don't want to talk to her, you can authorize your provider to contact her and relay medical/mental health info that needs to be seen by dh's captain. I hope things work out for you.
post #13 of 20
I agree with Monica... That was excellent advice.
post #14 of 20
Thread Starter 
I dont want ANYTHING to do with the navy wife thing or support group thing. They make me feel as though my problems arent near as bad as there own. Atleast thats what my husbands captin has told me.. That my husband getting his dolphins is 100 times more important than "something being born".. Hes an asshole he just cant "understand" my husbands obsession with wanting to see his child born.. I would try the Ombudsman but the captin has pretty much made it plain to leave him the hell alone. trust me my husband has tried and probably still trying everything. I dont want a ride with anyone because they always want to stick around with me and i dont have the heart to tell them to leave.. I"m so afraid of being to mean.. (yes i know i probably need to get over it, i'm tired of hearing that one too...) I realize that the nurses and dr will be strangers but i have asked them not to bother me during labor... I dont take to encouragment form people i do not know... I some how always interpert it as critisicm.. (probably need to change that too but can't) Everytime i tell anyone including my husbands command they look at me as though i am crazy... I just dont like people i'm not familar with. It takes me YEARS to except anyone, and it is like they judge me on that.. I'm a HUGE loner i like to be alone. what makes it 100 times worse is my dr keeps trying to TELL my i HAVE TO do all these classes and so forth or i will not be checked into the hospital... BULLSHIT... if i show up to the hospital they will not turn me away for anything. She is a little loopy... My brother was having a VERY hard time leaving because he has a COURT ORDER to stay within 50 miles of his child incase his mother freaks out again... He can't leave by law... SO IT IS A BIG DEAL.. it is not his fault... The earliest he could possibly be here is Feb 13, and my dr thinks i'll already have her or at least already be induced... Its not that i dont want my dr. i feel guilty that i will be able to see her when my husband will not... I have had a LONG history of depression.. My dr. nor my husbands command found it a problem.. Who knows... the only thing i can hope for is that i can take my medication again once the baby is born.. maybe that will help some.
post #15 of 20
I am so sorry that you're so stuck in this situation. I can't imagine how hard it is to be so alone when you deserve so much support. The only possible hope I can offer is a recent discovery of Bach's flowers. My son has been on a few and we've gone from screeching tantrums ten times a day and me not wanting to be his mommy from about October to December to a happy, open child and me finally loving him again. This one seems like it might fit your situation. http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/38/gorse.htm - there are other flowers that you may find fit better. I've been taking some too and my chiro says it's OK even while pregnant. I hope there is some light in store for you. *hugs*
post #16 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Preciousfaerie7
I dont want ANYTHING to do with the navy wife thing or support group thing. They make me feel as though my problems arent near as bad as there own. Atleast thats what my husbands captin has told me.. That my husband getting his dolphins is 100 times more important than "something being born".. Hes an asshole he just cant "understand" my husbands obsession with wanting to see his child born.. I would try the Ombudsman but the captin has pretty much made it plain to leave him the hell alone. trust me my husband has tried and probably still trying everything. I dont want a ride with anyone because they always want to stick around with me and i dont have the heart to tell them to leave.. I"m so afraid of being to mean.. (yes i know i probably need to get over it, i'm tired of hearing that one too...) I realize that the nurses and dr will be strangers but i have asked them not to bother me during labor... I dont take to encouragment form people i do not know... I some how always interpert it as critisicm.. (probably need to change that too but can't) Everytime i tell anyone including my husbands command they look at me as though i am crazy... I just dont like people i'm not familar with. It takes me YEARS to except anyone, and it is like they judge me on that.. I'm a HUGE loner i like to be alone. what makes it 100 times worse is my dr keeps trying to TELL my i HAVE TO do all these classes and so forth or i will not be checked into the hospital... BULLSHIT... if i show up to the hospital they will not turn me away for anything. She is a little loopy... My brother was having a VERY hard time leaving because he has a COURT ORDER to stay within 50 miles of his child incase his mother freaks out again... He can't leave by law... SO IT IS A BIG DEAL.. it is not his fault... The earliest he could possibly be here is Feb 13, and my dr thinks i'll already have her or at least already be induced... Its not that i dont want my dr. i feel guilty that i will be able to see her when my husband will not... I have had a LONG history of depression.. My dr. nor my husbands command found it a problem.. Who knows... the only thing i can hope for is that i can take my medication again once the baby is born.. maybe that will help some.
first of all hugs to you and your swelling belly
you have gotten some really GOOD advice and I encourage you to take a breather and let some of it in. It seems like you asked for advice but no matter what anyone says you have a reason why none of it would work. I understand you are frustrated-geesh I can't imagine going through that-believe me-that sucks. But there comes a time when you need to try to think positively for yourself and your unborn child. You and that baby are what matters right now. whats best is the health of you and the baby both physically and mentally. I hope you find help with that because it does not seem like you are able to do it on your own. Is there someone you could talk to?? (your doctor,your mother??if you don't want counseling)you mentioned medication. Is that something you would normally be taking and thats why you feel so helpless,because you are not on it? I am sorry. How much longer until you are able to take it again?
good luck mama and I wish you all the best-
your situation seems so hard and I feel for you...
post #17 of 20
Thread Starter 
I think i feel so helpless because i've already weighed all my options and i dont really have any.. lol I've tried to look on the positive but somehow something always messes up. So this is the most positive i can be. I was on medication but i slowly got off and hadn't had to be back on it until now. I'm not sure if this "stage" will fade but if not i will be back on it after the baby is born. As long as i make it to the hospital in once piece i'm sure the rest will be fine. Its just making it there and gettting home (my dr insists on the fact that they wont let me leave with out a driver... shes insane) The resposibility after she is born wont be hard at all. Its just getting her out!! lol Btw yes i understand everything that comes along with a newborn and no i do not think it will be too difficult or at least for the time being. My husband should be back mid april. I will be breastfeeding so that will help on midnight runs to get formula etc. But thanks for all the advice i wish it didn't seem like i was putting it all down, but unfort. i've already tried all the advice i got...
post #18 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Preciousfaerie7
The resposibility after she is born wont be hard at all. Its just getting her out!! lol Btw yes i understand everything that comes along with a newborn and no i do not think it will be too difficult or at least for the time being.
Will your mom be able to assist with newborn care? Hopefully her disability isn't too severe and she'll be able to help. I don't mean to scare you, but do want to say that caring for a newborn can be very draining. It's fun and exciting, too, but the 24x7 nature of it can be quite exhausting and boring after a while. Labor and birth are very challenging, but incredibly finite. Baby care just goes on and on...and postpartum blues or depression can make it even more challenging...so please make sure you have some help for after the baby comes, too! It doesn't have to be anything fancy, just having your brother and/or friends come by to chat and bring you some food or maybe drive you to the store every couple days will be a real sanity saver. And they'll want to help if you just ask...everyone loves to feel useful and esp. to get to spend time with a darling new baby!

Hang in there, sweet mama. These last weeks are so freakin' HARD!!!

Carol
post #19 of 20
That does suck big time!
I am not feeling the Go Navy love right now either since I feel like now I have to resort to I told you so thatrics to keep him from leaving since I know he won't be back in time for our last baby's birth and I really would like family to hold my hand this time.I did have a doula last time (the only one who made it there in time) and she was relaly good.I laobred mostly in the bathroom and she knew from the sound of my moans when to call the nurse in and where to rub my back and fielded phone calls when I was busy contracting.If all falls through with this last ditch effort I'm going to hire one who said she would be available (loolk in finding your Tribe, WA) or going with my ombudsman who although I've only seen her at FSG meetings I do feel like she can hold my hand.I am involved in my FSG but I still never have been a Go Navy person.
As for getting to the hospital...maybe a cab?I drove myself there and back last time and they didn't care, but that was Balboa, maybe this Navy hospital is a little more caring.I don't know how to help your mom through the night.
Garr! this all just plain sucks! ((((hugs))))
post #20 of 20
You mentioned Dolphins, so I know you are in the sub community. My dh is too. We are stationed in Bangor WA. If you are here and would like a ride to the hospital and a ride home. I will take you and not stay, won't ask questions or be nosy. I won't even walk you up to L&D if you don't want me to. I just want to help you out if I can. Please pm me if I can do this for you.

Please reconsider the wives support as the women there are NOT of the same opinion of the Captain - he has to make decisions from what is best for the boat, not an individual sailor (though I do agree he is being as ass about this if there is a way for him to get your dh home and your dh is not critical to the mission) Maintaining sailor morale is part of his job too.

I am sorry this birth is working itself out the way that it is for you. Please if you are in the Bangor area, let me do what I can to help you.
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