Originally Posted by Preciousfaerie7
Iwould much rather just be by myself than with someone i didn't even know... I mean like with the doula thing. I would be really uncomfortable with someone like that... I just know that this isn't going to be a "good" experience at all.. I'm going to HATE giving birth it makes me feel like even seeing my child for the first time will be terrible... UGH... I dont really get into the whole "navy wife" club thing... They are SO much older than me they look at me like i'm a nobody... Its just more annoying than benifical....
I want you to know I've been thinking about you all day. I read this thread earlier - and your earlier thread before, but didn't post partly because I didn't knwo what to say and partly because my little monkey is usually climbing all over me when I'm on the computer.
First, let me just offer you a big ole pregnant hug - your situation sounds like no fun, and I don't blame you at all for feeling depressed. Heck, I've got lots of support and am feeling pretty good about my birthing plan, but I'm still tired of being pregnant and crabby and nervous about the big day and wanting to cry for no reason or at the very least take a nap and ignore my daughter and forget about making dinner. Not having your husband there just seems like no fair at all.
Okay, now here comes the tough love. You have GOT to go ahead and feel the anger, process your feelings about this situation - be pissed off, be sad, be whatever it is you're feeling but do your best to get it through your system as much as you can and to start visualizing and planning ways to make this birth a positive one. You are only going to get to welcome this particular baby into the world one time. You have to take a crappy situation and find some silver lining in it.
My story is going to sound like no big deal compared to what you're going through, but I had my heart set on a natural birth with my DD, had gone to Bradley classes, hired a doula, the whole bit - and she was breech. Stayed breech despite weeks of every attempt imaginable to get her to turn. I even had TWO very painful external version attempts. C-section was the last thing I wanted, but it was the right choice in the end. Well, I spent the last week or two of being pregnant figuring out the best possible c-section scenario and long story long we had an awesome birthday for my daughter.
Okay - so for your situation. I hear you worrying about transportation to and from the hospital. I don't want you driving yourself during labor, and I think if you were to allow some people around you to know what's going on, they would want to help. Even if it is the navy wife that you don't particularly care for or fit in with, I bet she would rather give you a ride to the hospital than know that you are going alone. Visualize it - wouldn't you rather be safely belted in the passenger seat while someone clearheaded is driving?
Okay, and you're saying right now that you'd rather be alone than with a stranger for a doula. Well, you're going to be surrounded by strangers at the hospital. Wouldn't you like to have at least one stranger who is there the whole time with you and is on your side doing her best to support you even through shift changes and regardless of how many other moms are in labor that day? No, it's not your husband. But something is better than nothing. And if you can't find a certified doula to sit with you, maybe one of those navy wife women would even be better than nothing.
The attitude of "I know I'm going to HATE giving birth" has got to stop. If you keep telling yourself that, then guess what - you will. You need to start thinking through and visualizing a scenario where you DON'T hate giving birth. Where you experience that new baby passing through you, you reach out and touch it for the first time, you hold it and nurse it and bless it with all your love. Maybe you can imagine your husband there in spirit, and if you can savor the experience so that you can tell him about it later, then in a way, he will have been there because I know he'll be thinking about you.
I've had some major bouts of depression in my life. I know what it's like to get into that pit and feel like there is no way out and nothing is ever going to get better and that life is always going to suck. Words can't describe how horrible it is. The biggest step to getting out of that blackness for me has always been to start taking some action. Make some kind of plan - get some help. Just knowing that you are DOING something to make it better does make it better.
Okay, and I know I've been hard enough on you already. I'm sorry to come off as such a tough b**ch. But I just want to add one more thing. Please make sure you take care of yourself physically right now. Eat some healthy food, get some good sleep, stay well hydrated. If you're behind on those things when you go into labor, it is very hard to catch up. You'll need every ounce of your natural strength to get through this intact!
All my best, warmest thoughts to you and your family in this tough time!