is dd (11) too young for chores?? - Page 5

[lorijds]

I wonder if part of our problem is that I do alot of my cleaning and household chores during the day, when my kids are at school. I work nights, so I sleep and do my errands, cleaning, and laundry during the daytime, when they aren't around to see me or for me to ask them for help. On weekends I typically sleep for a good chunk of the day, and then get up in the late afternoon, to hang out with them, fix supper, and eat before I work. If we were all on the same schedule, it woudl be easier for me to say, hey, can scrub the tub while I work on the sink and toilet? But that's not how it works around here currently.

I will note that elementary school aged and older are a whole 'nother beast than the wee ones. I never every had a problem with my children helping out with household duties until they got older, spent more time in school, and got their own lives, basically. It's so much easier in the summer, when they and dh are off (he's a teacher).

Maybe we should try to change our schedules around, and I should have my awake time in the am on the weekends, so that we could have a family clean up time. Problem is, after working for 13+hours, I realy don't want to come home and clean. Hmm, my problem, I know.

It is really interesting to read all the different problems and solutions people have experienced in their families. Definately food for thought.

[minmoto2]

I know I'm a lil late joining this thread, but wanted to post my 'chore' experience w/my 11yo dd. My 11yo has had jobs since she was about 6 or 7 & they continue to grow or build on each other every year. Currently her jobs include :

*dishes nightly..including clearing dinner table, emptying & loading dishwasher, wiping down countertops & table..
*all hamster care, including cleaning hamster cage weekly
*cleaning room...at least occasionally
*cleaning own bathroom...at least occasionally
*bringing her own dirty clothes to laundry room...if they don't make it..they don't get washed.

She has definately started whining & putzing around a lot more w/her jobs in the last year or sooo...I definately think the age has something to do with it. She can take as long as she needs to w/these jobs & she understands these get done before chatting on ph w/friends, email, etc. The room & bathroom cleaning is usually only a few times a month...but once in a while she actually initiates the cleaning! wowow! Hamster cleaning sometimes needs a reminder, but she doesn't complain about that too much, as she purchased the lil thing w/her own money..including supplies....so she has a lot invested in it. She complains a lot more about anything she 'has' to do now...more so than when she was lil and enjoyed helping out....although she is very proud of her accomplishment when she shows off her newly cleaned/organized bedroom, or her happy non-smelly hamster

My 7yo also helps out...her new regular job includes helping her sister clear the table & rinse the dishes. She feeds the dogs in the evening & occasionally will 'walk' the lil dog in back of our house. She is really good at keeping her room clean & will bring her clothes to the laundry. She loves to help w/other jobs, like dusting & cleaning windows.

I think helping out around the house & taking care of the animals are life skills that are well worth learning & practicing

[Shantimama]

My children are 6, 8 and 9. We keep a chore chart on the fridge which has three "sets" of chores. Every week we alternate who does which set. One set is to sweep the stairs and kitchen floor every day for the week. Another is to set the table and help me prepare supper each day. The other is to feed the dog and unload the dishwasher. They are also responsible to get their dirty clothes into the hamper, put away clean laundry that has been folded by dh or me and help tidy up their things at the end of the day. Sometimes we get resistance, but somehow we get through it. Allowance is not tied to chores in the sense that they will get paid for helping out around the house, but if they refuse to do a chore or make too big a stink about it, they lose a quarter from their allowance.

Having chores is a genuine help to me - otehrwise I would be doing virtually everything around here. It also gives them valuable life skills and a healthy view of real life. I don't want them growing up incapable of caring for themselves or with the attitude that they "deserve" to have everything in life prepared or done for them. My son has been tall enough to use the stove to heat something up for a year now. My kids have all been mixing juice sinece they were 3 years old. I once met a teenaged babysitter who didn't know how to mix juice or open a tin of soup and heat it - I don't want to raise kids like that.

They don't always like doing the work, but I don't like all of my work every day either! I can still do it. The more I do something, the easier it gets and the chore becomes less demanding over time. The kids also take greater pride in the care of our home if they are part of maintaining it. My 6 y.o. helped me empty out and clean the fridge the other day and she has been checking on it and wiping spills since then. If one of them sweeps and mops the floor, they may not reach the corners, but they sure do notice whether people are tracking dirt in if they were the ones who made the floor shine!

I started young with my children because I know that young children are capable of helping - it is only in affluent places that people can reach adulthood without having learned any practical work/life skills - and I hope that having "always done it this way" will help when they reach the preteen/teen years and start to balk. I can't imagine inroducing it then.

[bobandjess99]

My 18 month old has "chores".
For right now, they include "helping" mommy..especially picking up her toys, putting clothes down the laundry chute (fun and easy), and mimicing cleaning dishes and vacuuming. Waiting until later to introduce them is never the best way, in my expereince. Children can and should help....a family works together...the mother is not a slave.

[PikkuMyy]

Popping in really quick to suggest to Chandraj that priveledges be given for chore completion rather than taken away for not completing them. I think that reversal in attitude makes a big difference. So the standard is set that rather than your daughter having priveledges that you take away because she didn't do the chores, she doesn't have the priveledges to begin with but earns them through the chores. That way you aren't threatening to take them away but offering to give them.

Does that make sense?

[Chicky2]

ONe of my favorite sayings is "I'm a stay at home mom, not a stay at home maid."

[LIZnCHAD]

I agree with the majority-she's definately not too young.
I had to

Keep my room clean (picked up every day, dusted vacuumed, declutter on saturdays)
Load and unload the dishwasher
Put away our clothes
Vacuum, dust, pick up my things in the basement
Clean the bathroom sweep, mop, clean off counters, empty trash, scrub shower and toilet.

[Electra375]

My mom didn't have me or my sister do chores either, we were more strong willed than she and she gave up. I wish she hadn't given up so easily. I am lazy about house work, I know how to do it, but I don't want to do it.

My dh grew up on a farm, well he was doing half his chores in the dark before breakfast. There was never an option on doing his chores and he didn't complain about them either, his dad probably beat him if he didn't do his chores.

I have my children doing work around the house, even my 23 mo old will help unload the dishwasher. They all help pick up toys. The oldest 7 puts his clothes away after I wash them, sets the dinner table and is responsible for his room. As he gets older there will be more. Some chores are for his own benefit and some are for the family.

There are a lot of good things about chores -- responsibility to family, satisfaction is the little things, teaching a valuable lesson about life and the duties of life fun and not fun, etc.

It takes a strong will to get the jobs done sometimes with kids, but usually the complaining in our house only happens 1X. I really like SuperNanny and the positive reinforcements she employs on her show. I also like how she is showing parents how not to back down and give up, stick with it and the journey will get sweeter, give up and it gets much harder.

[AntoninBeGonin]

I agree with some PPs that letting your daughter pick what chores she wants to do might help. She might surprise you. I always loved yard work. I grew up in a rural area so between our house and my grandma's there was a lot (probably 3 acres) of grass to mow and weedeat.

I was okay with setting the table and after dinner I'd scrape the dishes, take out the scraps, and set the dishes by the sink. My sisters would wash the dishes, do laundry, vacuum. Etc...

~Nay

[bamamom]

geez no she's not too young. by the time i was that age, or even younger, i was responsible for getting food on the table at night b/c my dad was gone and mom was workng. and I babysat and did chores too. No way is she too young! She might complain just because she didn't have to do them sooner and now she does, lol.

[mamachandi]

Originally Posted by bamamom

geez no she's not too young. by the time i was that age, or even younger, i was responsible for getting food on the table at night b/c my dad was gone and mom was workng. and I babysat and did chores too. No way is she too young! She might complain just because she didn't have to do them sooner and now she does, lol.

well,no I've always given her some kind of chore to do, it has only been recently that she complains about it...

[BenJulieMattzMom]

I agree that 11 is WAY old enough to do chores. (My 2 yr old puts his toys away, helps me cook by stirring things, gets his toy vacuum while i vaccum, etc.) The problem in my house is getting her to do them. It is a battle. It takes a lot of energy on my part to be firm and try not to get sucked into aguing with her. I have a 12 yr old son who is so easy going - not only does he do the chores i ask, when finished he asks if there's anything else i need him to do! My daughter is the opposite - when she does something, it's usually done only half way, then she tries to disappear. Also, both of them have duties that involve watching/playing with our 2 yr old to distract him from me if I have things to do.

I know it's easier (and the job done better to my satifaction) if I do it myself. But I worry about long term consequences for her. This is the time to "practice" for real life. I won't always be there for her to do the laundry or help her out when things get hard. I do make it clear that she has a choice though! I am not a tirant. Dust the base boards or...she does not get your hour of TV today. It is her choice. Let her do the internal battle instead of me. It's still hard for me though - i hate looking in my linen closet now - the towels all folded different ways, wash clothes hidden, etc. I have to battle my own sense of obsessive organization stuff and try to "let it go". The jobs get done but not to my standards. But I can't expect preteens to do it perfectly. I do expect them to do it though.

The best way i have found to get my dd to do chores is to make clear the consequences of not doing them. For her, i found - grounded from anything using electricity works (unless it's a household appliance that cleans - i have to say that you know, she can be very literal). Instead of "time-outs", I now say, "you are unplugged for 2 days".

My biggest problem is we don't have a set schedule or when we do it doesn't seem to last long. We seem to get a lot of out-of-town guests and we all do extra chores before they get here. I explain to the kids that we are a "family" and share the work, etc.

~BenJulieMattzMom~

[sunnymom95]

I am so glad you posted this....I found the advice from the others helpful.
Like you, my DD (10 1/2) found doing chores fun at the ages of 2,3,4 & 5. Now that we are in preteen mode, helping out the fam is NOT fun, cool and I would rather pull teeth out of a monkey.

[BenJulieMattzMom]

LOL - yea it is true - pulling a monkey's teeth would be easier...

[Shann]

I don't believe in MAKING a kid do ANY chores. The way I and my siblings were raised is that we weren't asked or required to do anything around the house unless we chose to (which we almost never chose to do). So we are raising our 2 sons the same way. If they decide on their own to do chores, they can. If they don't then that's OK too. Neither of them clean their rooms very often unless it just gets so bad even they can't stand it. Most of the time the rooms just never get cleaned, but that is OK, because it's THEIR space, not ours. Our oldest (12) sometimes (on rare occasions) will do a small chore, but our youngest (age 10) never does anything. And we don't ask or hassle them about it.

[mamachandi]

Originally Posted by Shann

I don't believe in MAKING a kid do ANY chores. The way I and my siblings were raised is that we weren't asked or required to do anything around the house unless we chose to (which we almost never chose to do). So we are raising our 2 sons the same way. If they decide on their own to do chores, they can. If they don't then that's OK too. Neither of them clean their rooms very often unless it just gets so bad even they can't stand it. Most of the time the rooms just never get cleaned, but that is OK, because it's THEIR space, not ours. Our oldest (12) sometimes (on rare occasions) will do a small chore, but our youngest (age 10) never does anything. And we don't ask or hassle them about it.

so in addition to being the mom, your a maid/housekeeper? I think everyone can and should chip in to some degree otherwise you get stuck cleaning up after everyone!

[Shann]

Sorry, but no, I don't see it that way. If you do, that's fine. I just don't see it as necessary. I let my kids make decisions for themselves on it. And if they choose not to do so, that's their business. I know I'll get flamed for this, but I also see nothing wrong with paying kids to help out (when they want to).

[Carolinamidwife]

Really? What will happen when they are grown-ups and just don't feel like doing chores? I don't see anything wrong with an allowance but I do think it is patently wrong to not teach kids the value of work done as a family to maintain the family's space. Honestly, I think it's an actual disservice to children to not give them a set list of expectations.

[mamarhu]

Likely when they grow up, they will continue to make their own decisions about housework - doing what feels important to them. Isn't that what we all do anyway?

Looking at typical college dorm rooms, it seems that a traditional childhood with chores doesn't have much immediate impact on neatness as soon as kids are out from parental supervision. I guess that most of these kids eventually realize no one is going to clean up after them, and find their own level of comfort.

[sunnysideup]

Originally Posted by Shann

I don't believe in MAKING a kid do ANY chores.

I agree. I do ask the kids (and my husband too, and sometimes they ask me) to do some things around the house, but it is all done in the spirit of pitching in and getting the work done together as a family.