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I think I have PPD....

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
Guess I could post this in the PPD section....but I don't know anyone there.

I didn't think it was but now I am thinking that I do. I am so angry all the time- I yell at Josie constantly and have been having feeling all the time that I wish we never had the baby and that I don't like her. Please don't be concerned for her safety, I really don't feel like I would hurt either baby....in fact I am very careful around them because of these feelings. I just yell alot and have a lot of anger and resentment. I kept thinking it would get better but its not, and I really don't want to be the mom who yells all the time and I certainly don't want Sada to grow up thinking I don't love her or wish she wasn't born because its not true.. I don't know why I have those feelings. I really feel like such a failure of a mother. what kind of mother says she wishes her baby wasn't born.

Anyway- I go to the midwife on Tuesday and I think I am going to call the therapist I was seeing during my pregnancy. Hopefully one of them can help me.

thanks for listening.
post #2 of 15

I want you to know that you are not alone. I've been having these feelings too. I've been yelling SO much at my kids. I am full of rage. I haven't hit them, nor do I think I will, but the yelling is just as bad. I actually yelled at one of them really loudly the other day while I had the baby in my arms and she looked up at me, terrified. I felt awful. I've been trying really hard the past few days to control myself. I don't want my children to fear me.

I had an awful dream the night before last that my ds had died. It was SO vivid and I was crying and extremely depressed...it seemed so real. I woke up sobbing, and I heard him in the next room snoring away....it was like music to my ears. That dream really made something click and make me appreciate all of my kids much more.

I know this isn't really advice, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over this.
post #3 of 15
Becca, you are so completely doing the right thing. It is SO HARD to have two like this and feel that way - especially when you know that deep down this is not how you want to feel. I do not have PPD, but I also feel the same way sometimes. It is just so stressful trying to deal with everything...

Can you call and talk to your midwife today (or a nurse if she has one) and tell her/them what you are feeling. They may be able to tell you to take some sort of supplement immediately, or? Calling your therapist is an excellent idea too.

In the meantime, is there anyway that you can get some help? Someone who could just take the heat off of you a little bit? I have had someone over almost everyday lately, and honestly, without that I think I would be a heck of a lot closer to your situation.

My doula is here right now, and these are her suggestions for things that might help immediately
1. Try to get some sleep. At least a 5 hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep can help the brain recover. Can you get a friend or someone who could help you with this.
2. Don't eat any sugar. Eat lots of whole vegetables.
3. Try to get some exercise - even a short outdoor walk.
4. Talk to someone.
5. Mother Balance is an Illinois organization dedicated to helping women with PPD. I realize that is a long way from you, but maybe you could call them to at least get some phone support or maybe they could refer you to someone nearby.
630.605.5852 or 630.272.4636

post #4 of 15
Thread Starter 
thanks. i have been eating really well and exercising (walks alone) almost every day. i take a supplement for mood already. and sleep....forget it, 2 hrs sleep at a time with the baby is the best it usually gets. i haven't really had a ton of help, DH does help but mostly with dd #1.

i'm just not sure if its ppd or if its kinda normal. i just know i don't want to yell anymore and i don't like feeling so angry. it seems like when i mention it- tons of mamas have similar feelings. could ppd be that common?? how will i know if it will just get better or if i need help (like meds?)
post #5 of 15

Oh, mama. I wish I had some good advice to offer, but I don't. It's so hard with a toddler and a newborn, and I'm sure the lack of sleep doesn't help AT ALL. Babes or no, that alone can cause a person to feel stressed and angry. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. You will get through this.
post #6 of 15
Originally Posted by StarCat
how will i know if it will just get better or if i need help (like meds?)
I think that that is the hardest part about dealing with PPD (or possible PPD). A way to deal with that uncertain aspect is to have a plan or know what resources are available to you in your community. Letting your careproviders know how you are feeling is important even if you think it may be "nothing". When a crisis hits it is not the best time to try to give background information! If nothing else they can be there for you through a rough period.

Often there are programs where you are paired up with another mother who has experienced PPD. Speaking to somenone who has been through it, who you can vent to can be enormously helpful especially if you are trying to figure out if these feelings are situational or a clinical depression. Try some of the suggestions that have been given here, keeping posting here (maybe offloading will help or knowing that there are others here who feel the same is enough). Exercise and breastfeeding release "feel good" hormones which may lift your mood. Sleep is a important also - can you nurse while side-lying? Do you feel you are getting enough help from others? Are there other stressors in your life you could eliminate?

Just know you are not alone and we are here to listen and give advice if you want it. Hugs to you mama.

post #7 of 15
i've been thinking a lot about this too, lately...i'm not even sure if it matters if it technically is PPD or not. the feelings are what they are, whether they're normal or not, kwim? i know i've felt the same things and have been much less gentle with my son lately too. i'm doing tons of things i regret and NOT doing tons of things i should. do i have ppd? probably not, but i still need help from others.

whether or not you have clinical ppd shouldn't matter, imo, when it comes to seeking out help. just because it's "normal" doesn't mean that it's not hard and stressful...use every resource available to you...OB, therapist, mother's helper, friend, dh, family, whoever is around and available. you deserve to have as much help as possible...you're doing the toughest job there is in the world.

most people who have "regular" jobs have tons of co-workers...assistants...colleagues...tons of people around to help share their burdens. why should we go it alone, when we are responsible for nurturing the adults of the future? what could be more challenging or more important? call on ALL of your angels right now, no matter what your "diagnosis". *HUG*
post #8 of 15

It's such a hard time. I recently began taking a DHA supplement at the recommendation of my MW, who felt I was at risk for PPD. Though no studies have been done iwth the effectiveness as to PPD, there was a study that showed it was more important in the treatment of bipolars than lithium. It also has the added benefit of being great for baby's brain development.

I hope you find the help you need soon.
post #9 of 15
i should ask my mw about the DHA supplement...it can't hurt...
post #10 of 15

I'm sorry mama! I just was doing a search on here cause on another board I post at a mama is having a hard time with PPD. On the PPD board here there is a thread about some natural remedies including: 5 htp, inositol, and nordic naturals omega capsules. I dont know how well they work but might be worth a try.

I am yelling way too much too. My anger is usually toward my 3 y/o. He's very smart for his age and has been talking forever so I think I just assume he should act better than he does but I have to remember, he's only 3. I yelled at him so loud the other day and he ducked down from me and I just wanted to bawl cause obviously i scared him so much. Then he starts yelling back for everything and it's no wonder why.
post #11 of 15
No wisdom to share, just wanted to add my Hang in there, mama!
post #12 of 15
hugs to you, and peace too, it can't be easy. i think i posted awhile back about possibly finding a mother's helper (college or high school kid) but realized that might not be an option for your family. so i have another thought, based on what michelle and others are saying about calling on your resources.

now that my hubby is back at work and going on 4- and 6- day trips again, i feel twinges of what you are experiencing. when i am home alone with all the kids, i am crazy cakes. we've been watching way too much pbs and i, too, have been yelling and threatening WAY more than i would like to. bedtime is the worst -- what a yucky way to end the day. but when i'm out of the house and around other adults (and my kids are occupied), i am SO much more calm and happier. so i've thrown myself into several moms groups -- la leche league, which i haven't gone to in two years now and the moms group at church which i've never gone to. though it's a pain to get packed up, i've gone to story time at the library every week and i've introduced myself to several other moms there, just to have someone to talk to. i'm sure i come across like a desperate housewife but i don't care. i've invited myself to several friends homes just to get out of this hovel and they've been so gracious. last night i brought our leftovers to a friend whose hubby was also out of town and we made a meal with our combined frig tidbits. the kids ran off the last of their energy and getting them to sleep last night was a piece of cake.

i'm rambling and maybe this is all too much or not helpful to you, but i would say ANYTHING that can help get you through this time is useful and therefore worth a mention. i'm proud of you for admitting you think something isn't right. it's the first step to feeling better. my college roomie went from ppd to a massive, deep depression and is just now coming out of the cloud at 18mos. post-partum, so good for you for getting on top of it early on. all the best, we here can't be for you there, but we're here wishing you well from afar!!!
post #13 of 15
Hugs mama...

Can you get anyone to come in and help you for a few nights? As in bring the baby to you to nurse and then comfort Sada away from so you can SLEEP. My son was not a sleeper and I can attest to the fact that I was a walking zombie. Sleep was the only thing that began to help it. I slept very little in length until my son was 16-17 months old.

Also...getting out helped me. Trying to make sure that I felt that I looked nice and getting out of the house, seeing people, being around people.

I have been much less positive with my 4year old since the baby has arrived. I yell or raise my voice on a regular basis too and I hate that I do it. I think it just takes constant effort on our parts to realize that we are human and stressed and at a major transition point in our lives. I try to make a teachable moment out of it and appologize and tell him I am sorry.

I can sometimes force a funny comment out of my mouth instead of yelling to get him to respond or stop something and it often works. Like I can call him knucklehead and have a tickle war with him when I am annoyed at something he is doing. He is distracted...I enjoy to hear him laughing when the minute before I wanted to do nothing but banish him to his room.

I hope you are able to get whatever help you want and or need!!
post #14 of 15
Hugs! I'm glad so many mamas have good suggestions for you. The only thing I can think of is that in addition to what you're already doing - getting more sleep, eating healthy, talking to someone - there might be some herbal or naturopathic remedies that could give you a boost. Like St John's Wort perhaps? Maybe your midwife can steer you in the right direction. Hang in there!
post #15 of 15
how are you doing? i keep meaning to come back to this post but keep getting distracted (its the ADD...sorry).
hope things are going well and you are getting a bit more sleep,
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