having fun v. making responsible choices

[bu's mama]

Dd is 3.5 yo & starting to do more things out in the world. I'm having a tough time doing things without a guilty conscience. I don't want to say no to everything, but I feel like everything 'easy' or 'fun' is somehow hurtful or destructive if examined closely.

A few recent examples...
my mother asked to take dd to McDonald's the other day when she was watching her. Umm, no. I'm glad she asked, but she knows how I feel about them & fast food in general.

IL's want to take her to the circus & I don't agree with how they treat animals & treat some people as a freakshow, so I don't want her to go.

walking on the beach, she has to stay off the sand dunes. She doesn't get why & it would be so fun to run & roll down the hill!

my mother wants to go to Disney this summer with us (her idea) & again how do I let her (& myself) have a good time (I mean it is fun if you don't examine it too closely)



How do I just let her live without being a 'stick-in-the-mud' or a pessimist or without the weight of the world on my shoulders? Just curious as to how others deal with these things.

[Satori]

My dd is a bit older but I just explain my beliefs and that until she's an adult she's stuck abiding by them

[bu's mama]

I think it's more me dealing with it than actually saying no to my dd, iykwim. I just feel so stuck with this right now.

[A&A]

I can emphathize. Everything gets looked at through my pessimistic lens, for lack of a better word. For example, dh keeps talking about a Winnie the Pooh stuffed animal he lost as a child........I'd love to get him a new one for Valentine's Day, but it would probably be made in China..............so I'd feel guilty.

[artgoddess]

Okay coming from an adult of parents who never let me do anything fun that my friends did, I can see why you feel badly. It was rough for me to be the only kid not allowed fast food, the only kid who wasn't allowed to go to the public pool, or the only kid who didn't get to climb the sand dunes (I live on LI as well), the only kid who didn't have a barbie or watch TV.

I remember as a young adult, like 16 or something I bought myself a twinkie at the store just out of spite, and y'know what it was terrible. I say pick and choose. Somethings you can let go, for example I'm glad I never had a freakin' barbie, and I totally agree with my parents. However the no fast food once a week with frineds (although I was like 13 at the time, not as young as your DD) they could have let slide. Especially since now in retrospect my parents ate a ton of processed food at home, and still do so.

I suggest finding some compromises you both can live with. Go to the huntington and run up and down the grassy hills there, instead of the sand dunes. Or if can afford it go to a gymboree type place instead of McDonald's playland. A place you can both br happy, kwim?

[Red]

I think it's important to decide WHY you feel a certain way and compromise when possible.

So, I also boycott circus' and animal jails, others call them zoos. However, I allowed my kids grandparents to take them where they would. So, my kids saw those places and decided for themselves.

It's not up to me to tell others whether or not to go somewhere. And since they see it all differently, I wasn't going to be able to change them.

Rolling down the dunes is different. You can explain WHY, and then go to another hill within a few days that's ok to roll on. Be sure to let the waves chase you at the beach and to play in the sand.

Mcd's is icky. But you could compromise and let her go and have an apple salad.

See. I don't think it's always about whether or not I agree. I want to raise kids who can see the whole picture, and who know, for themselves, what is right. I won't always be there to say, "Oh, no, don't go there, this is better." THey'll have to decide.

And the more they hear you rail against McD's. teh more they'll crave it. Much better to stop and get it once or twice. (A week, er, I mean a year )

Disney. That's a tough one. Have YOU been? I didn't go until I was an adult, with kids. I'm really glad my kids have all been able to go. Our family vacation there was one we all have pleasant memories of. Is it wrong to let them have that?

WE have tons of memories from vacations I feel 'better' about. But those memories, partly becasue of all the advertising they're subjected to, are a bit special for them. They see that they are priveldged.

Oh, my kids are older. DD26, DS23, DD17, DDtwins15. they are nice, caring, compasion kids. They volunteer, have causes they feel strongly about, (sometimes I agree, sometimes I don't ). Some are interested in Habitat for Humanity, one had me baking cookies for bake sales for an abortion clinic, (she was in 9th grade and didn't even know what the club was for, I was so confused!) one volunteers to have a Developmentally disabled buddy.

Two want to be Marine biologists, one a special ed teacher, one an accountant(so she can work from home and be a SAHM) and one wants to do somehting in the medical field. Not bad.

I think they need to see enough to choose for themselves and I elt them see what others were willing to show them, and quietly let my views be known.

It's hard to find a way through. Good luck!

[alicia622]

to Red for the great post!

[A&A]

Go to a National Park (Yellowstone, Arches, etc.) instead of Disneyland. You'll make great memories and feel better about it.