The subject has come up again about whether holding a baby and listening to her tears and crying while offering her warmth and attachement is tantamount to CIO. I would like to offer a perspective on why unexamined intolerance of any crying is actually short-circuiting an innate healing function that babies are born with.
All benefits of crying, however, are lost and damage is done when a baby or child is left alone to cry without comfort. CIO "works" when the baby enters a form of infant depression, gives up hope of being comforted, and settles into despair ~ which can carry into adulthood. Those children I've read about who were "trained" via CIO and now easily separate from their parents without any anguish are not well-adjusted, but rather have compensated for not being supported when they needed it in the past. The compensations may "work" in terms of allowing the parent and child to separate without tears, but the compensatory mechanism is created at great sacrifice and trauma to the baby and child who had to develop it.
What I have seen in response to the terrible and tragic use of CIO, is a kind of other extreme. We have been taught that crying means we are in pain, and therefore, we can end the pain by ending the crying. It is true that crying is a symptom of pain. But stopping tears does not stop the pain; on the contrary, crying heals the pain. Crying, sweating, shaking, and sceaming release stress and heal emotional and physical pain. Shushing, rocking, even nursing to stop the tears of a child who is hurting short-circuits the healing that the child was so intelligently and intuitively applying.
Many people nod along until they hear that nursing to stop a child from crying is also short-circuiting the healing. After all, nursing is part nourishment, part comfort. However, putting a breast in a baby's mouth when she is crying because (unbeknowst to anyone) the way her blankets are wrapped around her legs is bringing up the scary sensations she experienced during birth, causes her to stop offloading the feelings. On the other hand, if her mother would hold her in arms, soothingly reminding her that she is safe, that it's okay to let out all her fears and cry, she would work through and be able to see that this situation, though reminiscent of a scary situation, isn't dangerous. And moreover, that it is safe to have scary feelings and let them out. No need to push them down, run from them, or be threatened by uncomfortable feelings.
Lest a reader think I am talking in theory only, let me offer a personal example. My DD used to cry and push with her legs really hard. She appeared inconsolable, crying hard but without many tears, red faced and with a panicked look. It scared me terribly to see her so upset. Instead of rocking, shushing, or trying to stop her from expressing her terror, though, I held her gently and maintained eye contact, and talked softly to her: You are very scared. I promise you are safe. Let it out, let it out. She cried and lurched, pushing with her legs and arms against me. I stayed with her, without asking her to stop crying. This happened many times from about one year old until she was just over two. The last time it happened with this ferocity, she was crying and pushing against me (not to get away, but using me as resistance to her mighty pushing), crying loudly and red-faced. Then she stopped, looked right at me, and said, "I was stuck. It was red and wet and I was pulled and it HURT." She buried her face in my lap and cried with many round fat tears. She *was* stuck at birth. Her twin was born quickly, but with her I had to push with her 1/2 way down the birth canal for 2 hours. Then she was pulled out, and yes, I am certain it hurt. She told me this without prompting and without hearing her birth story details before. After this episode, she did get in my arms to cry and push a few more times, but never with the same intensity. She'd smile and say, "But I got out!" and leap off my lap. This is just one example of my children telling me what pain and fear they were working on offloading.
I believe that without being allowed to cry (not "left" or "made" to cry, but allowed to do what they needed to do, cry) they would have pushed many fears down into themselves, substituting eating or distraction for comfort. Then the fears, which don't go away when pushed down, would re-manifest themselves in other ways. I am so happy for them, and proud of them, for freeing themselves of the pain associated with some of their experiences.
If anyone gives thought to the healing benefits of crying, and considers that stopping crying even by loving, gentle ways can short-circuit healing, then I'm glad I wrote this. I mean everything I have said in peace and love for healing all human pain and suffering.
Yours,
M&Mmommy
All benefits of crying, however, are lost and damage is done when a baby or child is left alone to cry without comfort. CIO "works" when the baby enters a form of infant depression, gives up hope of being comforted, and settles into despair ~ which can carry into adulthood. Those children I've read about who were "trained" via CIO and now easily separate from their parents without any anguish are not well-adjusted, but rather have compensated for not being supported when they needed it in the past. The compensations may "work" in terms of allowing the parent and child to separate without tears, but the compensatory mechanism is created at great sacrifice and trauma to the baby and child who had to develop it.
What I have seen in response to the terrible and tragic use of CIO, is a kind of other extreme. We have been taught that crying means we are in pain, and therefore, we can end the pain by ending the crying. It is true that crying is a symptom of pain. But stopping tears does not stop the pain; on the contrary, crying heals the pain. Crying, sweating, shaking, and sceaming release stress and heal emotional and physical pain. Shushing, rocking, even nursing to stop the tears of a child who is hurting short-circuits the healing that the child was so intelligently and intuitively applying.
Many people nod along until they hear that nursing to stop a child from crying is also short-circuiting the healing. After all, nursing is part nourishment, part comfort. However, putting a breast in a baby's mouth when she is crying because (unbeknowst to anyone) the way her blankets are wrapped around her legs is bringing up the scary sensations she experienced during birth, causes her to stop offloading the feelings. On the other hand, if her mother would hold her in arms, soothingly reminding her that she is safe, that it's okay to let out all her fears and cry, she would work through and be able to see that this situation, though reminiscent of a scary situation, isn't dangerous. And moreover, that it is safe to have scary feelings and let them out. No need to push them down, run from them, or be threatened by uncomfortable feelings.
Lest a reader think I am talking in theory only, let me offer a personal example. My DD used to cry and push with her legs really hard. She appeared inconsolable, crying hard but without many tears, red faced and with a panicked look. It scared me terribly to see her so upset. Instead of rocking, shushing, or trying to stop her from expressing her terror, though, I held her gently and maintained eye contact, and talked softly to her: You are very scared. I promise you are safe. Let it out, let it out. She cried and lurched, pushing with her legs and arms against me. I stayed with her, without asking her to stop crying. This happened many times from about one year old until she was just over two. The last time it happened with this ferocity, she was crying and pushing against me (not to get away, but using me as resistance to her mighty pushing), crying loudly and red-faced. Then she stopped, looked right at me, and said, "I was stuck. It was red and wet and I was pulled and it HURT." She buried her face in my lap and cried with many round fat tears. She *was* stuck at birth. Her twin was born quickly, but with her I had to push with her 1/2 way down the birth canal for 2 hours. Then she was pulled out, and yes, I am certain it hurt. She told me this without prompting and without hearing her birth story details before. After this episode, she did get in my arms to cry and push a few more times, but never with the same intensity. She'd smile and say, "But I got out!" and leap off my lap. This is just one example of my children telling me what pain and fear they were working on offloading.
I believe that without being allowed to cry (not "left" or "made" to cry, but allowed to do what they needed to do, cry) they would have pushed many fears down into themselves, substituting eating or distraction for comfort. Then the fears, which don't go away when pushed down, would re-manifest themselves in other ways. I am so happy for them, and proud of them, for freeing themselves of the pain associated with some of their experiences.
If anyone gives thought to the healing benefits of crying, and considers that stopping crying even by loving, gentle ways can short-circuit healing, then I'm glad I wrote this. I mean everything I have said in peace and love for healing all human pain and suffering.
Yours,
M&Mmommy
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I've had this experience with both kids. Personally I think it's to let off accumulated stress, sensory overload, etc.
