help me explain this gently to MIL

[mamapajama]

My MIL, has started commenting on all my ds (3 1/2 )behavior by saying "Oh that is being a good citizen."
For example: "Let's pick up our toys, because that is being a good citizen" or we have to be kind and gentle because that makes us good citizens, or make sure you listen to your mommy, that is what good citzens do."
So, on the surface, it seems OK, a little weird, and a little morally preachy, but I can live with it. However, there is the whole side of being a "bad citizen"
My son came home from an outing with his grandparents telling me that a bad citizen throws food on the floor, and a bad citizen lays around a does nothing and a bad citizen licks the ketchup bottle at a restaurant and a bad citizen throws salt on the floor.
So, I am bothered by this for a couple of reasons: I don't like, and we don't use the concept of "bad" and I feel like my MIL who I think I can fairly describe as fanatical in her religious beliefs, is preaching endless morals at my child. Unfortunately, I have had a very rocky relationship with her, and lately things have been very good. I don't want to the rock the boat but I don't want ds to think he is bad, ever. Also, I don't agree with my MIL "moral code" and I don't want her preaching morals at ds. I feel like that is my job. I also feel like she does this because she feels that he is not bing taught these "morals" by me, so I am a bit ofended. So, I'm not sure how to handle this in a respectful way that she will understand. Any ideas? I'm sure I am overreacting a bit. I tend to do that when it comes to my MIL. Thanks

[LovemyBoo]

I agree with you. To me, the phrase "bad citizen" equates "bad person" and I don't want anyone, let alone another family member, telling my kids they are bad people.

My first thought is, what does your dh or dp have to say about this? If he is in agreement with you then he should be the one to talk to his mother. If he is not, than the two of you need to work out what is acceptable first.

If your dh absolutely won't get involved, I would say something myself. Probably something along the lines of "I know you don't mean anything bad by this and that you want dc to grow up to be a good person, but I would really appreciate it if you would stop using the phrase "bad citizen" because it implies dc is a bad person and I know that's not what you mean." Perhaps she could, instead, simply redirect dc or ask him to stop, then bring up her concerns with you (yeah, then pigs will fly, I know. maybe it's worth trying).

Things may be good right now but from what you've written, if it's not the "bad citizen" thing with MIL it'll be something else. Go through dh/dp first and if that doesn't change anything, stand up for yourself and your child. You can't control your MIL's behavior but you can control your dc's exposure to it. If it comes down to it, tell her that she won't be allowed unsupervised visits if she won't change her approach and respect you as a parent. I know that's hard, but really dealing with her now is hard isn't it? And at least this way your dc won't have to hear how he's being a bad citizen. It sounds like the two of you aren't going to be best friends anyway and your life will be less miserable in the long run if you put a stop to this. It sounds like your MIL doesn't respect you and this kind of thing will continue, if not get worse, until you put your foot down and keep it down.

Lots of luck to you! I know being assertive with family is difficult but I really believe it's worth it.

[Suzetta]

While it sounds strange to use these phrases continually, I would ask myself if they are going to do actual harm to my child before rocking the boat. Also, what does dh say about it?

But I would also clarify with dc that "that is just grandma's way of trying to guide your behavior" or something like that. You could even take the time to teach him the actual meaning of citizen, as your MIL is kind of over using the term.

However, if he starts taking this to heart, and it seems that he is feeling like he is being called a 'bad person' then it must be stopped.

Ultimately she is trying to manipulate his behavior--but I don't think it is an insidious attack on you, rather her way of trying to make sure he listens to her...I think that as he matures it will just sound as goofy to him as it does to us, and no harm will be done.

[Jilian]

Maybe you could suggest that instead of calling them "bad" she show them what they are doing wrong and help them fix the behavior. Ex: when my DS throws food onto the floor, I remind him that food is for eating and it belongs on our plates. We pick it up together. I then tell him to give me his plate when he's all done eating. He usually does.

I think it is far more beneficial to show them the acceptable way to act rather than telling them they are wrong or bad. Your MIL also needs to keep in mind that they are just kids, doing normal kid things.

[flyingspaghettimama]

Um, that's quite the Orwellian shop she's running there. Double Plus Bad!

I would tell her your discomfort with the whole "citizen" concept, and labelling. She is confusing an action with a person - i.e. picking up your toys is a helpful action but it doesn't make you an inherently good or bad person.

However, this is probably not someone with her mindset can really identify with. She will accuse you of mollycoddling the enemy, most likely. Creating excuses for little terrorists-in-the-making. However, you're still the mom, and you can tell her that you'd like it to stop now. You will have to work up your nerve, sounds like - but it's good to put let grandparents in know if it's something that really gets to you. You don't want to feel bullied about your own child...

[laralou]

I love flyingspaghettimama's whole post. I would personally let dh do it. It is his mom ergo his job. I think if you do it, she will just go underground. She is more likely to respect and obey her own offspring. He can use my favorite tac with my mom - "You did such a good job raising me that I know you can trust me to make the parenting decisions that, while they might differ from yours, will be right for my child(ren)."

[mamapajama]

Thanks ladies!
flyingspaghettimomma, I do believe you hit the nail on the head

[mamachandi]

I am sorry but the whole good citezen/bad citezen strikes me as funny!!

I think you should tell her not to push her morals on you and your family its not her job!!

[mamapajama]

Thanks ladies!
flyingspaghettimomma, I do believe you hit the nail on the head