How to not impose your school experience onto dc's school options?

[quietplease]

Hello mamas,

I am looking at school alternatives this year. DS is in our neighborhood school, and we are dissatisfied with it for a number of reasons. We are looking at waivering in to other public schools, a few private schools, and 2 different homeschooling "schools", if that makes sense.

When considering all of the aspects of these programs, I am having a terrible time separating my experiences as a child from what DS might need/want. For example, I grew up in an industrial town with marginal schools. When I went to college, I realized how poor my education had been compared to the kids who were in suburban schools. So, I want my kids to have a good, rigorous education, but then I ask myself, is that what THEY need? Am I putting too much pressure on them because of my deal? How do I separate THEIR needs from what I have learned to value through my own life?

Any advice?

[mags]

Actually, I think it is impossible for you to try to ignore your own experiences as a child when you went to school. That is part of what makes you what you are now, and whether you liked your school or did not like it, etc., I believe those experiences will help you in making sure your child gets a good education. To be honest, I think that those of us who have had negative experiences with our schooling experiences are probably more likely to be the ones who are more sensitive as to what type of school our children will attend. That's not to say that those who went to great schools, just assume that whatever school their child goes to, will also be good, but I think after you have a negative experience, you don't want to get burned again, kwim? As a parent, I think it is your responsibility to try to make sure your kids get a good education, and yes that means you will probably be biased, but I do not think that is a bad thing. The school should appeal to you and your child. For example, maybe you really love the arts/music and felt your school lacked that aspect, so you want a school that offers that. However, you son is also a very active child who needs recess and other forms of active play, so while it may not have been important in YOUR education, you know that is something your son would need.

As for being objective, I think the best thing to do would make a chart of pro's and con's of each school you are considering. List things that are important to you AND your child (if you notice your child seems gifted, or is really into sports, etc.), teacher to child ratio, arts/music classes, high test scores, etc.. Then use that list and evaluate each school using that list with the pros and cons. I think this will help you narrow down your choices. I also think that talking to other parents whose kids go to these schools you are considering will help too. You may be surprised to talk to other parents who are NOT happy with the school their child is enrolled in, and not everyone has only good things to say about their school.

Anyway, I do not know if what I said made any sense to you. However, I wanted to let you know that I feel that your experiences, whther positive or negative are just a normal part of choosing a school for your child. The best part is that you are taking the time to research different school options now, after realizing the school your child is going to is not a good fit. A lot of parents just send their kid to their local public school w/o looking into it at all, and then later on when their kid has problems, THEN they start to question and look into things. Good luck!

[Devolution]

So, I want my kids to have a good, rigorous education, but then I ask myself, is that what THEY need? Am I putting too much pressure on them because of my deal? How do I separate THEIR needs from what I have learned to value through my own life?

I think it's great that you're asking these questions -- I completely agree with your sense that by responding to our children as if they were ourselves (with the same needs, same experiences, etc.) we can inadvertently harm while trying to help.

I noticed this issue by observing my mother. She's incredibly hands-off with me (more than I'd like), and yet, she often says things like, "I don't want to be 'too much mama'." It finally clicked -- she thought her own mother was "too much mama", and her response is to "fix" that by going to the opposite extreme with me. I try to be aware of that, because I can easily imagine myself becoming "too much mama" with my own children in a well-meaning but misguided attempt to "fix" the "problem" that exists between my mother and me but doesn't exist for my children.

Honestly, I think that the best thing that you can do is what you're already doing -- being aware of the issue and of the possibility that your action would have "fixed" something for you, but won't be helpful for your child.

With that said, my personal bias is that getting a good education is closer to a universal issue than a limited, personal one. And here's where your personal experience is, in fact, relevant and useful -- you personally experienced the downsides of receiving a less-than-awesome education. If I were you, I'd ask the question, "Is this something that could happen to my child, too?" If the answer is "yes", then I'd act on it.

I myself attended a public elementary and middle school and then switched to a high-academic private high school. I got a good education, but I found the social dynamic there (elitist, etc.) really awful, so I am avoiding that for my children, lol. Personally, I'm trying to find the best balance of priorities that I can for my children -- my one school-aged child attends a public magnet school that I think offers a good balance of academic rigor and social/economic diversity.

Anyway, good for you for being thoughtful about this, and good luck!