childbirth preparation ... am i doing this wrong?

[luckymama]

i think i'm confused.

i've been looking at hypnobirthing and bradley books/courses ... and all in all i like what i'm reading, but i'm worried that each of them seems to rely heavily on the birth partner.

a little history: my prior (and only) birth thus far, i had a doula, my dh and one other woman in attendance. on the advice of the doula, who said we'd have plenty of time in early labor to work out coping techniques, etc., dh & i did not attend more than a one-day cursory overview class on childbirth. well, labor arrived, our doula was quite preoccupied and busy, so she didn't really show up for early labor, so we didn't work on anything at all ... dh & other attendant were well meaning, but both took ill and were pretty much out of commission as help for me ...

SO ... one of my thoughts this time around was that i didn't want to be relying on others so much. i want to do more hands-on preparation ... i want to feel empowered before the birth, and feel like i have some tools at my disposal to work through labor and delivery. my dh really wants to be my birthing partner (and based on our previous doula experience, we're kind of soured on the idea for now), but he really does not have time to read books or attend classes ... he says he thinks he knows me well enough to be able to just show up and do it. i think he's deluded on that point. i don't want to end up feeling abandoned or alone as i did last time around. my midwife feels that she is all i need and swears she will be with me from 3cm on, but she works in a hospital practice which is thriving ( ) but for which she only has one other midwife - they back each other up.

am i looking for something in the wrong places? is there another type of birth i should be preparing? does anyone understand my situation here? i'm not sure i'm making sense. i guess i'm looking for thoughts, insights, expertise ... and anything else all you wonderful mamas have to offer to my fairly confused mind right now.

thank you!

[dvons]

Definately check out the book Birthing from Within. DH was no help to me during either of my labours and I found that just going into myself I was able to do just fine with the pain. For this next time DH's job is to be kid wrangler and the midwife and I and my best friend will get the new baby here.

Deb

[PancakeGoddess]

Hi Sue - I think your reasoning is very sound. My partner is very willing and able to be helpful, but I really *wanted* a more independent labor/birth last time. I think my emotional dependence on birth partners made my labor longer. I'm quite sure this isn't true for everyone, but for me, that happened. Ultimately, no one can do it for us, and believing that to the core was a very empowering thing for me.

I didn't do much special to prepare, other than discuss my hopes with my midwife, visualize my birth, and read/watch only birth stories that were natural and if possible, fairly easy. It was a sort of reverse-brainwashing I gave myself.

I appreciated the bits of help I got here and there from my mw and spouse, but overall, my labor was on my terms. I got reassurance from them at the end and that was wonderful, but it was very different than my 2nd birth (first homebirth, very long).

I know you can do it!

[pixiexto]

Originally Posted by dvons

Definately check out the book Birthing from Within.

Yup! I heartily second that recommendation.

[Sprucen]

Originally Posted by dvons

Definately check out the book Birthing from Within.
Deb

Third that notion. You don't necessarily have to do every last thing they recommend, but if you can find something in there to help you "find yourself" that will be worth it.

Also, having been there once you should have at least some idea of what might get to you "through the fog" and try and focus on developing that. What that means for me, and I have reminded dh of this and will have to some more, is having someone talking to me. One thing we did was talking about and visualizing an environment that I found relaxing (ocean beach front for me )and while after a while, even though I couldn't respond to what he was saying anymore, I could still hear what he was telling me and that helped. Unfortunately, he stopped since I didn't say anything anymore - couldn't! - and as silly as he might feel talking to someone who won't talk back, he'll have to do it this time!

But that's me, so find where you can "go" within yourself and make that place easier to get to before you get to labor. I'd say early labor is a bit too late for coping exercises.

[pageta]

Although I had a good doula experience last time, I ended up with a very disappointing birth, in part because I had educated myself on why I didn't want interventions but not what to do instead. So...this time around (still TTC) I have decided that I want to plan a hospital birth but prepare for an unassisted birth.

I just got Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin yesterday from Amazon.com and it is exactly the type of thing I want. Not only does she have lots and lots of birth stories you can read, she goes over the basics of what happens (cord around the neck, baby facing the wrong way, etc.) and what to do about it. To me, even if I am in a hospital and my OB is doing all of that, I will be a much better patient if I know what is going on and understand what I can do about it (what positions work better, etc.). I'll be much happier myself and I think I would be much easier for my caregivers as well.

For instance, my doula tried to get me to go walking down the hall after 12 hours of labor and still at 3 cm. Had it been my idea to get up and move around because I knew that was something you could do to move labor along, I am sure I would have given it more effort. However, she had to "sell" me on the idea of doing that, and I was too tired to be "sold" on anything, much less do it. So I ended up with an epidural, a vacuum birth, and an episiotomy.

Ina May Gaskin has another book which I have ordered but not yet received. I may also get Birthing from Within, though I hear it has some odd-ball new-agey stuff in it. I do NOT want to read Bradley again - I had that the first time and I think my mistake was that I wanted people to COACH me like he talks about. This time I want to COACH MYSELF, thank you very much! Bradley was a very innovative person for his time, but he talks to the men as though the women aren't smart enough to learn those comfort techniques themselves and use them. I may try reading the book again because there are good techniques in it, but I will somehow have to get past how he talks about women in order to get anything out of it.

[Thmom]

Really the best thing you can do is look at all the "methods" lamaze, bradely, hypno etc... and when it comes down to it you'll find something that works. Pay attention to what you do when you're in pain now. If you stub your toe real bad do breath deep, close your eyes and visualize? do you pant? do you need to distract? A quick easy way to discover some of your coping skills is to grab an ice cube and squeeze it in the palm of your hand for a full minute (set a timer, something that you don't have to "watch") no it's not anything like labor, but it's not as easy as it sounds and it'll give a quick idea of what kind of coping you already use as it's easiest to simply expand on that coping.

[eminer]

Yep, Birthing From Within. I've also found it helpful read articles and stories about unassisted childbirth, even though I use a midwife. For example, http://www.unassistedchildbirth.com/

[Black Orchid]

I'm planning to HypnoBirth this baby and I don't find that it is overly reliant on my DH at all. I am a really internally focused person and have been practicing mostly on my own. I think it is a method that can be taylored depending on how you personally focus the best. I like to be left alone and cannot stand to have people touching me or talking to me, so I am planning to use music and keep the room quiet and allow myself to get lost in visualizations.

Really, HypnoBirthing is a terrific tool, not just for birthing but for your overall life. I have found myslef being less stressed and more focused in my everyday life since I've started studying.

[aprilushka]

I'm planning on doing a sort of self-done Birthing from Within course for myself by myself and otherwise just listening to my body. I will have a mw and birth assistant who is a doula, both of whom are good acquaintances of mine, and Dh has said he doesn't want to really be involved so I will only ask him to do something if I really want him specifically to do it. Mostly I plan to be on my own for this one and not really say anything to anyone until I'm in active labor.

[newtonscricket]

I did "HypnoBirthing" for my last birth and I can see where it would seem very partner oriented since the book and class focus a lot on having the partner use touch and spoken scripts to send you into hypnosis.

However, after we took the class, my husband and I could never get around to practicing together (busy, tired, long work hours, a toddler in the house). I found myself practicing with the tapes and got completely conditioned to the tapes and listened to them throughout labor (not painless, but relaxed and easier and faster than my previous two). So I was independent of my husband and pretty much ignored him and everybody else for all of labor.

This time I'm using "HypnoBabies" which is a sort of expanded, developed Hypnobirthing and seems to be structured more around the tapes (of which there are many more) than the partner. We'll see if it works even better this time (any day now!)

[cyjenkins]

I took Bradley with my first birth, and it wasn't very helpful, because we didn't really talk much about the coping techniques, just the interventions. I took Birthing From Within this time, and I really liked the ice coping technique, but now when I'm in pain, I feel like I need to hold ice to focus

I think what helped me most the first time was actually the prenatal yoga classes I was taking. Something about being pushed beyond my limits every week helped me mentally for birth. In the end, what helped most is my natural ability to go deep within myself.

[Apiana]

I'm using hypnobabies & it seems to be really independent. I want my DH to be my advocate & to help me w/ the birth. But I don't really think I'd respond well to 'coaching'. I go inward when in pain, & so the hypnosis seems to be a great choice & DH really has nothing to do w/ it (unless I wanted to involve him w/ it).

[cottonwood]

I'm not entirely sure what you're asking for... but I think you're asking if it is valid to prepare for autonomous birth instead of coached/partner birth? Well, a lot of people prefer it. My first was coached -- I thought that's just what you do. Didn't really think about it until afterwards when I realized that not only did nobody really understand what I needed, but I was resentful that they kept insisting that I do what they were asking. It was confusing and disempowering as well. So I've found that I do much better relying only on myself (the act in itself strengthening me) and then taking what I want from what people have to offer. I don't like a lot of people around doing stuff, I don't like people suggesting stuff, I don't like people talking to me at all (distracting, which interferes with hormone production.) I LOVED my last two births because of how spontaneous and instinctive they were able to be when nobody was trying to tell me what to do. It felt like a force of nature that was me, rather than something that was being done to me.

[luckymama]

thanx, everyone for all the great advice, support and suggestions! i think i'm getting back on a track now ... we'll see how it goes. i got a copy of birthing from within from the library, and i know i have spiritual midwifery around here somewhere. i'm going to delve into those this weekend, and see if i feel more grounded then.

thanx again!