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Originally Posted by Piglet68
maya, you know I have a great deal of respect for you.  I have some questions about letting them work it out themselves...
first, where did they get the skills to do this? When they were much younger, did you model stuff like that? Such as what to do when you want a toy and someone else is playing with it? I mean, it doesn't seem to me like very young kids just naturally pick this stuff up. But I do know that after working on this with DD for about a year now (at home with her younger brother, and at school with the other kids) she is getting more savvy at figuring out how to resolve things. I have seen her offer her brother a toy in exchange for something he has that she wants, and doing so without any input from us (the parents). However, most of the time her impulse is to just take it, and use her power over him to get what she wants. She is very open to being guided, but she definitely needs to be taught the skills (she's 3.5).
But I *think* what you are saying is (and correct me if I'm wrong) that once you've taught the girls the skills they need, it's better for them, empowering even, to work things out amongst themselves. I can see that. I mean, I can see it making sense to me. But I can't see that without the idea that, somewhere along the way, they learned the skills to do this from you. Because otherwise what is the motivation for them to not just let the weakest one lose out, and the strongest one win? How do you know that this isn't happening? |
Well now I really never taught them these skills with each other. We discussed it in the realm of peers, but I tried to keep all teaching out of the sibling arena. But I did not see a baby as someone with whom one could "work it out" and I don't think I started letting them work it out until the youngest was about three.
That being said the oldest DID sometimes exert her "power" over the younger and grab things. But even then I found that the youngest, if not "protected" by me (except to be seperated from her sibling when necessary) had an amazing ability to figure out how to deal with the situation. Get in her "licks" (NOT in a physical sense, but maybe by grabbing the toy at an unsuspecting moment)
My kids NEVER would try to do the kind of things they did with their siblings with their peers. They seemed to quickly catch on that their really is a higher standard with friends than with your sister. Yell at a friend too much and they dont' want to be your friend, but your sister its just different KWIM??
In many cases the negotiations were "rough". For example:
Ellie: "Maya can I have your pink crayon"
Maya: No you smelly baby"
Ellie: I am NOT smelly, you are smelly. [notice no "MOM MAYA CALLED ME SMELLY] Grabs pink crayon
MayA: GIVE IT BACK. I need to color my princesses dress. [Bigger and stronger she wrestles the crayon from Ellie] [But notice no one is informing me about the crayon grabbing. I am listening to this whole thing on a monitor]
Ellie: Well when you are though I am taking it back!
Maya: WHATEVER
a few minutes later
EllIe: Your princess looks pretty
Maya; Thanks Elle Belle, here, take the pink crayon
(this is an approximation of a conversation I remember from a few years back)
Now maybe if I modeled more "polite" conversation and "helped them problem solve" they would have worked out the same arrangment or a better one, but I am not sure they, especially Maya would have felt the same way about things that she clearly did in the end. Nor I think would Ellie.
Its not perfect but it works for us.
. I think the above is neccessary for younger kids. Now that ds is 4.5, I'm finding he and playmates are doing a much better job of communicating. Since the OP is talking about a 3 and 5 yo, I think some facilitating is neccessary with an eye towards doing less as they mature.
