My Grandfather-in-law is dying...what should I do?

[Snowdrift]

Please, please please don't move to grief and loss forum...I'm trying to figure out ligistics sensitively...

Ok, this is the story. My DH's grandfatehr was dx-d with cancer last week. Multiple tumors in multiple locations. Inoperable, basically untreatable. Or so we were told at first. Then he was going back in for tests. Now instead of the weeks/months we were all assuming, grandmother-in-law is telling us that he wil only be with us for a couple of weeks, quite possibly only days.

The whole family is in MI. Grandparents are wintering over in Alabama. GFIL is not able to travel. I'm concerned about DH and how the while family is going to handle this. GFIL is a really wondrful man, although he's been sick the fast few fews and has gotten really henpecked, to use an old-fashioned but apt phrase. He and DH were really close when DH was a little kid but this branch of his family has never been the type to visit a lot. We only saw them two or three times a year, just for dinner once or twice and thanksgiving. GMIL is a *really* toxic person who is extremely wrapped up in herself.

I guess when one's DH of many many years is dying then that is one time when it is ok to be a bit self-involved, but she is telling the family not to go to Alabama to see him, to basically not do anything. GFIL left written instructions years ago and has since reiterated several times that he wants his body to be donated to a medical school and for no services of any kind to be held. As much as DH and I and pretty much the whole family disagrees with this, his wishes will of course be honered.

But, I am not ok with just sitting up here a thousand miles away and not going to even see him. DH and I are devastated that he will almost certainly not live to see his first great-grandchild with whom I am pg right now (due in May...so soon but too far away for him it looks like )

I think that whatever GMIL says we should go. Immediately. Fly or drive, whichever is cheaper, although if we drive I could go and if flying only DH could go and I'm not sure I'm ok with having DH go on his own (again with the extremely toxic grandmother and the detached and distant father and in general a pretty messy set of relationships.).

I don't think DH will be ok with a complete lack of anyhting. I don't see how one can just wake up one morning and suddenyl your grandfather is dead. And that's it.

I might be being oversensitive bc my grandfather and I were *so* close and I still havent' really forgiven myself for bowing to family pressure to go home the night before he died instead of staying with him. I had a major identity crisis and all sorts of issues that got set in motion by my grandfather's death--but there were toehr things involved.

So I wonder if I'm somehow--and this sounds really bad--making too big a deal of this? Would most people/Should most people be ok with not going to see a grandparents before their death? GFIL is starting to lose awareness of people and surroundings. I'm not sure that he'll even know if DH there or not--although one never *really* knows these things. In the circumstances should we respect GMIL's wishes, which is basically that he's her DH, she's there, the rest of us don't matter and she doesn't really need anything from us so we shoudl stay here?

I dunno. If anyone has any ideas...
Of course finances shouldn't be factor but since being a grown-up I've caught on that finances are pretty much always a factor...

[Red]

I think your DH should do whatever HE wants to do. If he wants to be there, he should go.

If GMIL doesnt want him there, he should be prepared to have a quick visit and leave.


Honestly, I don't think you should go. You aren't that close to the man, you said you've only visited a few times. It will cause more strife with the GMIL.

Your DH lived his childhood with thses toxic folk and can most likey handle the visit himself, though he'lll need extra support when he comes home.

Just my opinions. Since I don't know the people involved, take them with a grain of salt!

[Lousli]

I agree with Red. If your DH wants to be there, he should be there. My grandmother's passing was sudden, she died in her sleep while on vacation, so I woke up one morning and she was gone. I think that it happens a lot when you are far away from older relatives. But it was different for me, because she wasn't ill beforehand. If she had been, I would have wanted to see her. I think that unless you are having complications with your pregnancy, you should be able to fly prior to 36 weeks, although it might be financial concerns, I wasn't clear. I would ask your dh if he wants to go, and if he wants you to go with him. I think the choice should be up to him, since you're not close with GFIL.

[Free Thinker]

I've not lost a grandparent yet, but I have lost 2 of my great grandpas in the last 5 years (we live a really long time in my family, both were 90ish). I did go and visit both before they passed. Both were sick for a few months, and most of the cousins did come by at least once to see them one last time. I think if your DH wants to go, encourage him, and if he wants you to go, then go. I'd make it brief. Only 1/2 hour to an hour long of visiting at a time can really wear them out. Maybe that's what GMIL is concerned with? Or maybe she needs to feel strong enough w/o support? I don't know, just let your DH do what HE needs to do.

As an aside, my DH"s grandma is dying of cancer, gee, I can't belive I just wrote that. There really isn't anymore treatment going on, it's too advanced, and didn't respond to the chemo (a few different types). She's been fighting it for 2 years, but I'm afraid that the end is near. If she were my grandma, I think I'd be by to see her as often as possible, but my DH doesn't have the same relationship,a nd while he loves them very much, he will still only go see them at family events and such. I've taken the girls over a time or two to visist, but it seems that he is fine w/ just seeing them once in a while. I try to respect his feelings on it, even though I don't understand.

[Snowdrift]

Well, yeah you all are right it shoudl hinge on what DH wants. He can be pretty shy about making his feelings known where his family is concerned so I tend to shepherd him and look out for him a bit, probably a bit too much.

MIL talk to FIL and us and so far the plan is for all four us to go next weekend. DH wants me to go. He doesn;t like being around his family much without me--he tends to get treated like a little kid a bit too much.

FIL is broaching the subject with GMIL. I reminded them that my grandpa died of cancer a few years ago so I can kind of make sure DH and I are careful about things like only visiting for a few minutes at a time, things like that.

[pumpkinsmama]

Well, just talking out loud here,

FIL was having heart surgery and we were told a 30% chance of surviving the surgery. (We get along great now) At the time, MIL and SIL didn't even know we were married. We drove in two cars together from the east to the west coast. SIL was furious that I went with, told me not to go.

DH is a strong, contained man who likes to be manly.

Having a family member dying or near death is emotional.

When it all panned out, there were times I was really glad I went. Right before the surgery, after they wheeled FIL away DH broke down a little. He needed me there. Not to comfort him, but to keep SIL and MIL from making it even harder on him. Later in the hotel room, just to talk about what happened and how he felt about everything that was going on. And everytime his family started driving him nuts he had someone to complain to.

I think like the PP's it should be up to your DH, but at the same time some people try to be strong when they don't have to be. If he goes by himself, he will be put in the position of comforting everyone (maybe, don't know your family, GMIL sounds independent but selfish, sometimes those people exaggerate grief for attention ? feels like a really akward comment, if you don't want me commenting on your family like that, I'll edit, no problem) At least if you are there your DH will have someone whose focus will be his well being. Not the sick/dying person and family. But his well being.

I feel I've been wanted to explain better, but there it is.

Also it sounds to me that you really like and respect the man. I think given your past you might regret not seeing him again, regardless of what DH wants to do.

[Mama2Bug]

I think it really should be up to your DH and his grandfather. If his grandfather doesn't want to see anyone, I think that has to be respected, but I don't think GMIL should be allowed to make those decisions for everyone else.

When DD was 4 weeks old, my grandmother- whom I lived with for many years and was very close to- was doing poorly and wasn't expected to live more than a few more days. I wanted very, very much to drive the 500 miles to see her. I was kind of irrational about it, actually, and was even willing to do so with a brand new baby and my own discomfort from stitches, etc.

DH absolutely refused to make the trip. He said that my grandmother would understand. The rest of my family was also insisting that we stay home. In the end, I realized it was for the best. All the same, I STILL feel incredibly guilty and sad for not seeing her. Even though he was right and it wasn't a good idea, I even still sort of resent DH sometimes for "not letting us go."

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't think anyone else should make such a personal decision for your DH, unless there are really important, immediate reasons that he could not/doesn't want to make the trip.

[lisamarie]

I'm really sorry. Death and family dynamics, can be such an overwhelming situation. Everyone is so different in how they deal with stress and grief and every relationship varies so.

Does your dh want to spend some time alone with his Grandfather before he dies? And can or does your dh set boundaries with his family members? There are no easy answers, but doing what feels right to your dh. There have been so many other members here who have been in similar situations. Know that you are not alone.

Hugs~

Lisa