My Mom died and I am numb

[Calvin'sMummy]

My Mom died week before last and I am mostly numb. I have had a few brief moments of tears but mainly I am just plugging along. I am not sure how to deal with this or maybe I am or maybe I am not and just too disconnected to know. We had a strained relationship. Mainly my anger over I felt she didn't protect us when she divorced my father and married or lived with various alcoholic/abusive men. When she was diagnosed with cancer last year, I did fly out to try and "resolve" things but I could never bring myself to forgive totally I guess. I said what I felt. She said she would take it back if she could but was sowing wild oats or something. I felt that as a mom, now that I am one, that she had been selfish. I think I have to do some work on forgiving but right now everything is all a jumble. When I got the call she was in the hospital across the country week before last, I had decided not to go. I felt I had done my outreach and would deal with it. Then I finally went with my 2-1/2 year old. We arrived at night and she was kinda coherent but on morphine as they had decided to put her on comfort care and let her die. She knew we were there. She smiled. I just told her everything is okay. The next day she really never was aware again and died that night. DS and I were there when she died. I never felt like I could let go as I had DS there and then ended up closing up anyway and have been mostly since. Well, not sure why I am posting but just wonder what to do. The memorial service is this weekend and I am not going but sending a eulogy. I just don't want to do the travel and deal with everything when I actually felt like the last trip went well. I got along with my siblings and even made amends with one just because I did come when they thought I wouldn't. They know I have been angry and they have all forgiven and all that. Oh, and on top of it all, I have been generally sniping at DH and critical and now we are arguing and he wonders if I am moving toward calling it quits if I am so unhappy with him and critical.

[SunShineSally]

I have no words of advice just a

Karen and Baby Joe

[karlin]

I am so sorry for your loss. My mom died 3.5 years ago, and I'm still dealing with it at times. I remember that numb feeling. It was awful, but better than feeling so sad. Right after I found out my mom had died, I went outside to water the garden, and I felt so hot and so cold at the same time. I was crying, but had no idea that I had cried until I looked in the mirror. I do suggest you let out your grief soon. My sister was the same as you....she had/has some issues with our mother (I was way closer...emotionally and geographically), and still has not done her share of grieving. She never even cried when she was here for the service. I think it's hurting her to not let it out. My brother and I, however, spent the better part of the 4-6 months after her death in tears. I still get really moody around Christmas and other holidays because I miss her so much.

I did not want to go to the service either (I didn't need it for any sort of closure), but my family persuaded me to go. It was one of the hardest days of my life. When I snuck out afterwards (I was setting up the reception), I had the most intense feeling of relief. I hated letting all those people see me on the worst day of my life up to that point. I don't blame you for not going.

I didn't have my son yet (though it's part of my grieving now since she never got to know her grandchild), so I don't know how I would have dealt with it with a 2.5 year old (which is DS's age too).

I think your problems with your DH have more to do with your loss than anything else. Tell him you're really having a hard time right now, and don't make any big decisions until you feel you have dealt with your sorrow.

I'm not good at writing down my thoughts, but I hope this helps you. Losing a parent is very, very hard...regardless of the relationship you had.

[lisamarie]

I am really sorry about your Mom. There are no easy answers to grief or how to grieve. Sadly though, if you don't greive, your grief waits for you. Even years down the road. But numbness is a part of grief. I remember after my Mom died, my numbness last for about a month and then returned again during the 1 year anniversery of her death. Another wise MDC Mama said it was a form of protection. Maybe protecting me so I could deal with my daily life of kids, house, pets and my dh. Let your dh know your feelings and let him know that what you are feeling is a part of grief.

Keeping a journal and writing some of your thoughts and feelings can be helpful too. Or even coming here and sharing your concerns and tears. We are here to listen.

Hugs~

Lisa

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. But not just your mom; also for your hopes, maybe secret hopes, maybe unconscious hopes, that someday you could have resolved your issues with your mom, and that she could really SEE you and recognize what she had done to you, and try to make amends, and love you as you should have been loved. All that died with her, too.

No wonder you are grieving, and no wonder your grief is multi-faceted. Its no wonder the grief is scared to come out and the only safe thing to do is feel numb.

Be gentle with yourself. There is a lot of loss here, more than what meets the eye.

My heart goes out to you.

[Katie Bugs Mama]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Irishmommy]

I'm so sorry.

[StellasMommy]

I lost my mom 6 months ago. I know about the numbness. I almost burned my house down one day. Another, I forgot to feed my daughter. My dh came home around 7:30PM and she said "I'm hungry, Daddy" and I realized I hadn't fed her since noon. For me, it was really bad for about 2-3 weeks. Then, I was able to function. My siblings say I'm the lucky one since I have a 3 year old to keep me busy. I don't know, though...am I going to break down 10 years from now?

[mama4gals]

My mom died Nov 3, and even though she had battled Parkinson's Disease for 25 yrs, had dementia the last year, and was in hospice care at home for the last 2 months of her life, I was still thrown for a loop at her death. I went to see her 5 days before she died bc we knew it was imminent, and I felt so prepared. I was so sad, but felt amazed that I was coping so well. But a few wks afterwards, I was just overwhelmed by grief. It has gotten a little better, but I still am so sad. Life seems so bleak to me. I agree with lisamarie that the numbness is a protection against us completely falling apart. My relationship w/ my mom was pretty good. She wasn't perfect, but now that she's gone I can only remember her good qualities.

Liz

[mamacatsbaby]

Hugs for you mama . The PPs said so much so well. The mama/daughter relationship is so amazingly complicated on so many levels no matter whether you get along or not. I love my mama with a fierceness yet that crazy woman would drive me plumb up the wall at times, and I her! I too understand you being numb. My mama has been physically gone from her earthly body since New Year's Eve 2003 and I still, always will, miss her physical prescence, terribly.

It's especially hard now that I am about to have my 1st babe. I felt like I was going insane that 1st year, I think I pretty much did, and it was very stressful for me and DH during that time. Are you and your DH talking at all about how you are feeling? Or are you not really at that place? I know that it was really helpful in my marriage to let my DH know that I was just dealing with some major stuff. Things were difficult but he was trying hard to be sensitive to my feelings and everything that I was going through.

As a PP said, please be gentle with yourself. There is so much going on here. I think that everyone grieves in their own time and space mama. There are so many that understand where you are coming from. Take good care and just allow yourself to feel whatever may come IMO. Much love,

[seekingtruth]

Hugs to you. I relate to your feelings about maybe not being able to let go, as your DS was there, and your being so critical with your DH. My mom was just diagnosed with cancer last week and this particular type kills quickly also. We, too, had a strained relationship. I found it was very hard, too, to let go at all. I spent several days in the hospital with her and brough my DS (16 mos) with. She delights over him to no end. We live several hours away, so seeing/being with him was all she wanted, so it was like I wasn't there or that she wasn't even dying. I didn't want to take that from her, and he was enjoying it all, too, but it prevented us from making ammends and I am certain I was guarded so as not to frighten my DS. I, too, am critical and impossibly impatient with DH right now. He gets one chance to get it right, and if he doesn't, I feel completely irrate towards him.

I don't mean to hijack your thread. I guess I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending positive healing energy your way. Give yourself permission to feel numb, or to feel whatever comes up. You can't make yourself feel sad, but you will really feel that way at some point, so when you do, just feel.

[Calvin'sMummy]

Oh, where do I begin to thank all of you for your warm and heartfelt replies. I don't know what I expected to see once I posted. I don't think I could ever have expected so much support from others moms and moms to be who don't even know me. Thank you. It was the first time I felt "normal" knowing that so many of you understand and have experienced the same thing. I think that due to my personality and background, I tend to put on a brave face and move forward. My colleagues have a vision of me and what my background must be that really is not close to reality. I am so put together in their minds when I feel like sometimes I am in some respects having worked so damn hard on it over the years but there is a part of me that still struggles with my background and time with my mother and how fractured it all was. So grieving openly is not something I am at all comfortable with. Yet with every post I read while everyone was asleep at home, I could grieve some, shed some tears and begin the long road to dealing with everything. Today was my Mom's memorial service that I did not attend. My brother (who I fought with all through childhood and had not really spoken to me for over a year and before that was strained because I had taken a job in a dangerous part of the world and he didn't approve of that or my way of living away from the family and such), called me to tell me how things went and how my other brother read my eulogy (that was hard to write because I wanted to not say anything I couldn't feel but certainly didn't want to use it to voice my struggle with forgiving. So I stuck with the things that were positive and the first few years where she truly was a good mother I think and during the most important first few years before everything fell apart around age 7 and then how she was with my son which was really nice the few times she saw him and sending him homemade quilts and afghan blankets)and ended up breaking up a bit when reading it. So, my mom's death actually brought me closer to my brother and has made me take a look at my past to address some of the things that reflect themselves in my current life (needing to be in control and restrained and emotionally tight). So, anyway, just wanting to say thank you for every one of your posts and support. I really appreciate it

[littlemama06]

kaitlin

[lisamarie]

Its good to hear from you. I wanted you to know that there is a FYT group of Moms who have also lost their Mothers: http://69.20.14.30/discussions/showthread.php?t=201095 Its another great place for support.

Warmly~

Lisa