Your Advice...

[mimi_n_tre]

I am so so angry right now. I don't know what to do.

I love my mother because she is my mother. All that said in done, my mother is a b*itch, big time... I am one of those girls that have never gotten along with my mother for the most part and now I don't know what to do.

Here's the scenario. My mother is a child. Quite. I can't say that she didn't do a great job raising me ( I think I have a great head on my shoulders due to learning from her mistakes...) , but I would rather not have my son raised the same way. I also understand that she is a big girl, and can do whatever she wants.

I learned from her mistakes. I finished school, and go to college, I have 2 quarters until I finish school. My son is five and in kindergarten. Since I am not working, only my husband is, my mother watches him while I go to school. She smoked around him quite a lot as a baby, and he has asthma due to this. He has been in the hospital once due to it. I also got asthma due to her smoking, but at a much lower level. She won't stop smoking around him though.

I really don't want my son, and this new baby to miss out on their grandma... I love her, but I don't know what to do. I can't help her unless she wants help and she doesn't. She thinks everything is ok, and I should keep out of it.

What should I do??? Should I tell her to stay out of our lives until she "straightens" out? What if she never does? I don't want to leave my mom, but I can't deal with her anymore....

I don't want to leave and have her die, without me around...

[rainbowmoon]

I don't think there's not any easy solution to your problem. whether you cut her out of your life or not is your call. it sounds like you might need to if you want to get your point across to her maybe? but regardless the first thing I would do is find someone else to watch your DS. his safety should be your priority here, not your mother's feelings.

[DreamerMama]

This is a conundrum, how? Dude, I would live on welfare until I could afford to get a decent sitter for my child. I wouldn't leave my child with a cracked out mess of a mother.

[mayasmama]

You need to find new daycare for your son now. You just admitted to leaving him with your mother when you knew she was under the influence. This is neglectful and dangerous.

Your mother sounds like a mess. While you may love her and wish more for her, but you are not responsible for her. You need to protect you and your family. They are what is important now.

Like the above poster, it is yoru desision whether or not she is in your life, but it sounds like you need to set up some boundries. She should never be alone with a child. She needs to not smoke anything around him either.

Please protect your son.

[PadmaMorgana]

If you were paying a daycare provided to look after your son and this person was drunk/stoned/flaked out constantly and could not stay sober while looking after him, not to mention smoked around your child.

would you leave him there?

you may love you mother, but you need to protect your children from her.

You are not responsible to take care of your mother at the detriment of your family. If you do not want to cut her out, you can see her in your home, with you present when she is sober.

[delicious]

does your school have a childcare? that would make things really easy.

i really wouldn't leave your son and new babe (congrats, btw!) with your mom anymore. supervised visits with her would be ok, if you want to maintain contact, but i would really do some other kind of childcare for while you're at school.

:

[Kaitnbugsmom]

Originally Posted by mayasmama

You need to find new daycare for your son now. You just admitted to leaving him with your mother when you knew she was under the influence. This is neglectful and dangerous.

Your mother sounds like a mess. While you may love her and wish more for her, but you are not responsible for her. You need to protect you and your family. They are what is important now.

Like the above poster, it is yoru desision whether or not she is in your life, but it sounds like you need to set up some boundries. She should never be alone with a child. She needs to not smoke anything around him either.

Please protect your son.

:

Honestly, I've been near where you are. I let my adoptive parents watch my kids so I could work and provide a safe home in a good neighborhood for my kids. My adoptive parents shouldn't be allowed to babysit a barbie doll. i have regretted allowing them to watch my children ever since the damage done to my children was far worse than what little might have been done had we instead went into public housing.... {granted we're pretty lucky in that our public housing area is pretty well patrolled & in hand}

Please, follow the advice of the other posters. There was damage done to my kids by those people FOUR YEARS AGO that I"m just now seeing come to the surface

[gurumama]

If CPS ever learned about her smoking "certain things" around him, or her being under the influence while caring for him, AND they learned that YOU knew about it, YOU could be held negligent.

If you have only 2 quarters of school left, could you take out extra loans for the short-term to pay for decent child care for now? She cannot be creating a safe or pleasant environment for him.

As hard as it may be on you as you finish school, save your son's time with his grandma for a time when YOU or your partner can supervise the visits.

[revvie]

Wow. My post is gone.

[BCmommy]

I don't want to leave and have her die, without me around...

I don't want you to leave him and have him die.....without you around.

[MomInCalifornia]

Please don't allow your child another minute with you mom with out you there to supervise.

NO ammount of school or education is worth the danger she is to him.

This is NOT a safe situation for your son, and I know you know this. You are his mom and it is YOUR job to protect him and keep him safe. Allowing her to watch him is not protecting or safe...it is neglectful and dangerous.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do your job as a mother and keep your son safe!

[newbad]

My mother's behaviors are very similar to yours. We had her babysit our eldest when she was an infant one Saturday a month, when our normal daycare choice (my mil) had to work. This lasted just a few months, I or my husband never felt comfortable with the situation, and while no certain instances stood out, we know that she smokes pot 24/7. We decided just to make different arrangements. While I haven't completely written my mother off as not a part of our life, she is not actively involved. This is a very difficult situation for me. However, I call and invite her to all major events in my life and my children's life. Sometimes she will show up, sometimes she will disappoint us. We currently don't go to her house, it is not an environment that I feel safe in. We use to go there occasionally, for "supervised visits" with the kids, however her addiction has worsen and we suspect drug use of more dangerous substances, and I do not want to place myself or my kids in a dangerous situation. If she has problems, I will listen, however I will not offer advice, I will not offer aid. She is welcomed at our house at anytime.

Our relationship is a very complicated one, and it has taken me my entire life, (30 yrs), to come to the current place I am with her. I feel that I have made peace with my relationship over her, however I still allow myself to feel hurt when she doesn't participate in our families life. I still feel shame regarding her, and often tell little white lies when people ask about my "mother". However, I no longer allow these feelings to consume me.

Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one with a Springer background and that I understand how you don't want to end your relationship, yet you can't let it continue as is. You are a mother now, you have to make decision that will have a lasting effect on your children, just like your mother makes choices that have a lasting effect on you. You have the power to not place your children in this dangerous environment. I would definitely search out the options that others have given, daycare at school, headstart programs, private student loans, search for grants and scholarships for aid in daycare, search for other people in your support group that can help with babysitting (maybe different people on different days)...

BTW, I have found that I am most reflective about my mother and that my feelings regarding my mother to be most intense when I was pregnant. I have read somewhere that this a normal part of being pregnant, that you analyze your mother's parenting and relationship. I don't know if this so for everyone, but it is definitely true for me.

[newmommy]

Originally Posted by gurumama

If CPS ever learned about her smoking "certain things" around him, or her being under the influence while caring for him, AND they learned that YOU knew about it, YOU could be held negligent..

Please listen to this.

[mimi_n_tre]

Thanks. My husband is looking into a place near here today...

[Rigama]

It sounds like your mother and mine are the same person! Hugs to you. I know how much it hurts.

I 100% agree with the PPs. You absolutely CAN NOT allow your mother to watch ds. My mother decided to pop in for a surprise visit right after Christmas (I hadn't seen her in a year and a half since we live in different states) and I had to sit her down and tell her that I love her but that she is absolutely not allowed to come in contact with my son if she's on anything stronger than Vitamin C. Of course she got defensive and said she'd never hurt ds but I had to stick to my guns. It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But it was also the best thing I could do for myself and my child.

If your son got hurt while under your mother's negligent care(beyond the asthma he's already gotten), you'd never forgive yourself. And perhaps I'm jaded against addicts (having been raised and molested by them) but your son is not any less prone to sexual abuse by virtue of being a boy. What do you know about your mom's cranked out, cross-eyed boyfriend?

You said yourself that she is a child. That means you know how to step up to the plate and be the adult. Stop making excuses for her behavior and hold her and yourself accountable. Your son NEEDS you to protect him. Be the grown up and take him out of this situation NOW. Be honest with your mother about why and make it clear as day that she is to have no contact with him until she cleans her act up.

Hugs to you mama. be strong.
Rigama