encouraging good manners...tips/techniques?

[Suzetta]

My 2 1/2 yo is very verbal, and very, very demanding. I am pretty laid back, but I am very insistent that she learns to be polite, make requests instead of demands, and uses common courtesy such as please, thank you, etc.

We are making headway, but it is slow going. I am really getting tired of hearing myself remind her. Sometimes I just don't respond until she re-phrases her request. However, she is very persistent, and easily frustrated.

Anybody have any "nice" ways to teach her to use manners, or is it just a matter of being consistent on my part???

Also, and recommendations for kids books that tackle this topic without sounding preachy and nagging?

[Hayes]

WE found that silent encouragement with signs really helped. The sigsn for pleaser and thank you are very simple and a good quiet way of reminding. Also helpful when your child receives a gift and forgets to say thanks. You can offer a visual reminder and no one else will notice!

[captain crunchy]

To me it is the opposite of what you are trying to accomplish when one points out thier child's shortcomings in the way of social ettiquette... it seems counter productive.

Anybody have any "nice" ways to teach her to use manners

We model the social behaviors that we find pleasant. We provide information on social norms and customs and how we *percieve* someone may like to be addressed or spoken to. We (will) show observation/appreciation when our daughter chooses to display *appropriate* social norms ("grandma seemed pleased when you thanked her for the gift...") We will allow our daughter to observe for herself the reaction she gets when she uses pleasant words as opposed to not so pleasant words and trust that she will choose positive reactions over negative reactions.

We will not remind, force, coerce, give looks, take her aside, punish, click our tongue, nag, repeat ourselves over and over or any other (imo) *impolite* behaviors to attempt to instill manners in our daughter.

[Fuamami]

No book ideas, just what we do. If my dd asks me politely for something, I jump up and get it (if possible) or explain why I can't at that moment. If my dd demands something in a rude or whiny voice, I jump up and get it (if possible) or explain why I can't at that moment.

However, I calmly model back to her another way she could have said it. Example:

Dd: Mama, I want a piece of cheese right now!

Me: (As I get cheese) "How about, 'Can you please get me a piece of cheese, Mama?'" (as I hand cheese to her).

Sometimes she does it, sometimes she doesn't. I think she's trying out being rude sometimes, she's too tired sometimes, she's grouchy sometimes and taking it out on me, whatever. It's not too big of a deal to me. I'm sure she'll grow out of it, and I have no problem reminding her of these and other social niceties. I think witholding something until it's asked for nicely is kind of asking for an unecessary power struggle, personally. But I don't feel very frustrated by her rude behavior, either.

[Magella]

I do what Sarah does-model how I like to be spoken to (as in Sarah's example-"how about 'may I please have some...'"). I will also, with my older kids (4 and 6) explain how I feel when I'm spoken to in various ways-"Thank you for speaking to me so politely, I feel really good when I'm spoken to so nicely.", "When I'm being yelled at, I am angry and frustrated because I don't feel respected. Please speak to me in a softer voice.", "I'm frustrated because when you're using that whiny voice I can't understand what you're saying. Please talk a little more loudly and in a normal voice so that I can understand you." (Because I truly cannot understand what they're saying when they're mumbling and whining.)

I think that in our family, though, the best way to teach manners is by modeling-by speaking to the kids in the manner in which we like to be spoken to, by modeling manners when speaking with others.

[sunnysideup]

Originally Posted by sledg

I think that in our family, though, the best way to teach manners is by modeling-by speaking to the kids in the manner in which we like to be spoken to, by modeling manners when speaking with others.

: It takes time. You're dd is only 2.5. She will learn to be polite if that's what you show her.

[loraxc]

We do what natensarah described. I have heard this called "scripting." I don't make a big deal out it at all, though--like, I never demand that she rephrase, or withhold the item. I do ask her to say thank you at times, with other people, but if she doesn't I don't do anything about that. (She virtually always does.)

My DD is very verbal, and has been very capable of saying please, thank you and excuse me for a while, but didn't. Things are shifting fairly dramatically with this, though, all of a sudden, and she's really started being better about asking nicely and using the social grace phrases. I'm wondering if it's some kind of emotional maturity thing; maybe she is more interested in following social rules now. (She also suddenly is helping me clean up a lot more, something we'd been modeling/suggesting with not much effect for a while.)

[Yooper]

We rely on modelling. My dd is also 2.5 yo and has picked up most of her "manners" from watching other people. She has picked up some bad manners from watching us too I believe that modelling is the most effective since really correcting bad manners is also bad manners. I do not "address" bad manners towards me. In public if she does not ask nicely or does not thank a person for something, I simply do it for her and move on. Although I am quite surprised at how well she has learned to be polite and it is rarely an issue.

[The4OfUs]

yep, model, model, model....and I don't remind him. DS is 2. If someone gives him something and he doesn't say it, I say Thank you....but I don't remind him or say, "what do you say?" or "can you say thank you?".

Because DH and I say "Please", "Thank You", and "You're Welcome" and "Excuse me" consistently and regularly to *each other*, DS has picked up on it from an early age. He says those phrases to us all the time, and sometimes to other people (his "Excuse me" sounds like "fwee fwee", which just is the cutest thing....).

We also have always used these phrases when talking to HIM, like literally from day one, so it's just part of who we are.

So I'll continue to model, and continue to say thank you or whatever for him, and I'm sure he'l pick it up consistently on his own soon enough.