"You're ok!"

[riversong]

I'm new to this forum, so forgive me if this has already been discussed.

Why do so many parents say "You're ok!" to their dc every time they get hurt? Much of the time the parents don't wait to see if their child really seems hurt. They just jump in and tell them that they're fine. My mom really made me aware of this when she told me a story about a neighbor's child falling off a chair onto the sidewalk. She was bawling after hitting her head and her mom kept insisting loudly that she was fine. Are parents afraid of letting their kids express their pain or fear? Most of the time my dd falls or gets bumped, she's just scared and not hurt, but she needs to express it with 30 seconds of crying. Then she really is ok. I sometimes catch myself starting to say "You're ok," and then I stop myself. I find that it's so much more helpful and respectful to say "That was scary" or just hold her for a few minutes without saying anything.

Does the "you're ok" thing bug anyone else?

[Storm Bride]

Sometimes, it bugs me. But, sometimes, it seems as though it's meant more to reassure the child than to dismiss their feelings. I find myself saying it while I look dd over for bumps/scratches sometimes. If I notice that I'm saying it, I switch to "are you okay", in more-or-less the same soothing tone. I'm certainly not trying to invalidate her feelings...more trying to help her through the "freaked out" stage. It is scary when you hurt yourself.

Mind you...dh sometimes says it to me, and I don't mind it...what he usually really is "you're going to be okay". It's not a dismissal, just a way of offering support.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by riversong

Does the "you're ok" thing bug anyone else?

YES! YES! YES!

I think it's far more respectful to ask, "Are you okay?" I mean, what if your friend or dh or someone else stubbed their toe and said, "Ouch!" Can you imagine telling them, "You're okay, you don't need to cry, you're just fine!"

AND, I think the result of this is that kids feel that they have to play up their injuries lots, lots more in order to get the love and reassurance they need. I have a friend like this, and she's always complaining about her dd being a "drama queen". I want to say, "Well, if you'd let her have some genuine emotions, maybe she wouldn't have to resort to drama!"

[bu's mama]

Yes!

I know part of this stems from never really been taken seriously as a child.

I try not to jump in anymore when dd gets hurt (she's 3.5). I've never really jumped in, but was always available if she needed me. Now if something happens & she's wailing, I ask are you hurt or jsut scared. 95% of the time she says just scared, I comfort her & in a minute or two she's on her way.

I think a lot of the response stems from not taking children seriously.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Mind you...dh sometimes says it to me, and I don't mind it...what he usually really is "you're going to be okay". It's not a dismissal, just a way of offering support.

Yeah, this is different. I'm assuming the OP meant the trying-to-get-you-to-stop-crying-and-making-a-scene kind of "You're okay." Am I right?

[bu's mama]

I think that was a record...4 posts in 2 minutes!

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by natensarah

Yeah, this is different. I'm assuming the OP meant the trying-to-get-you-to-stop-crying-and-making-a-scene kind of "You're okay." Am I right?

I'm sure you're right. That's what I meant when I said that sometimes it bothers me. It really depends on what it looks like the parent is trying to do, kwim?

[woobysma]

It bugs me sometimes, too, but so does the frantic rush that some parents do to their dc at every little bump or fall. I try to wait and let ds tell ME if he's hurt. Sometimes he'll fall and be fine, sometimes he'll actually be hurt and sometimes he'll fall and scare himself. I wait and follow his lead as to how I should react.
Often, when we're with family or friends, he'll fall and an adult will rush over and actually scare him more by their reaction. I try to use "you're OK" as a reassurance if he is actually OK and just got a little freaked out or scared.
I hate it when parents use it as a dismissal "OH, You're OK "

[johub]

I think there is a difference between a dismissive "You're Ok" such as the falling on the sidewalk and bumping her head thing. And an encouraging/empowering "You're ok" such as when it is truly a light fall or you know that your child is just looking to you for encouragement.
I think of times when my a child falls and doesnt know I have seen them fall, and they happily get up and go on, but if they catch me looking them it is all tears.
Now my kids go about their day and whenthey have a small fall they get up and say "I Okay Mama!" because I think that these words can be used in an empowering way. It might be short for "I know your knee hurts this second, but see how you can still use it, and it isnt even scraped! You sure are strong, you will be just fine."
And it can also be short for "I am not in the mood to handle this so just be quiet". Which I am sure is what we all have seen and object to.

I dont think parents are afraid of letting their kids express their pain or fear.
When I use it I am basically telling my kids that I think they are strong and resilient and arent goign to be stopped by a few small knocks. And I use these words to encourage them to go on with what they are doing.
If they are really hurt I am also still there to kiss any bumps or bruises, real or imagined. (my dd ALWAYS tells me her finger hurts and I kiss it a thousand times a day)
But if my child fell while playing across the room/playground whatever and they are trying to decide if they can continue playing or if they need to come to me for reassurance, I sometimes tell them that they are OK and they dont need me for this one.
Joline

[Storm Bride]

Johub: Thanks. You said what I meant.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I think it can mean lots of things to different parent/child pairs. So while you, a bystander, hear "don't cry", the child might be hearing the parent saying it to be reassuring. Its one of those areas that its really easy to jump to a conclusion on, but not necessarily get it right!

I also think it might depend on the age of a child, as to what the motivation is and whether it is OK or not. I know that I've been saying it more to my 6 YO DS lately, though the phrase I've been trying to use is "You are OK, there is no need to cry." He really is OK and I can tell that, but he carries on like he's broken every bone in his body when he stubs his toe or something. I wouldn't really care, but he is also starting to get teased alot by his schoolmates for crying and I'm trying to break a cycle with him. I know that I probably shouldn't buy into the "boys shouldn't cry" stereotype, but he has started to say how unhappy he is that he doesn't seem to fit in with the boys in class, and this is one clear thing that makes him stand out.

[JamesMama]

I say "It's okay" but thats more of a "It's okay, mama's here. Mama's got you." rather than dismissing his feelings.

But if it is a light fall and I do KNOW he is perfectly fine I will say "Awww, darn it! That was a crash! You're okay" or something like that.

But I do hate it when I see a child fall and it really looks like it hurt and the parents shout across the room "You're okay" or something rather than checking on their kids or helping calm them down.

[celestialdreamer]

Originally Posted by JamesMama

I say "It's okay" but thats more of a "It's okay, mama's here. Mama's got you." rather than dismissing his feelings.

But if it is a light fall and I do KNOW he is perfectly fine I will say "Awww, darn it! That was a crash! You're okay" or something like that.

But I do hate it when I see a child fall and it really looks like it hurt and the parents shout across the room "You're okay" or something rather than checking on their kids or helping calm them down.

: When I first read this I thought the OP meant just saying it in general. When it looks like my dd might possibly really be hurt, or if she comes to me crying and I don't know why, I wouldn't say 'you're okay'. I do say it if she just has a minor bonk and looks to me to see my reaction or if she's crying from teething or something as kind of a reassurance (NOT to just make her be quiet).

[riversong]

Originally Posted by natensarah

I'm assuming the OP meant the trying-to-get-you-to-stop-crying-and-making-a-scene kind of "You're okay." Am I right?

Yes, that's what I meant. I guess you can say "You're ok" with different intentions behind it. I'm mostly thinking about people saying it dismissively to toddlers.

I can picture myself saying it in a reassuring way to one of my 1st grade students who cries frequently over little problems on the playground. I feel for you, Evan&Anna's mom, not wanting your son to get picked on for crying.

[The4OfUs]

I guess I fall into the "are you OK?" category, when it is more than just a little bonk (when it's a small bonk, I usually just say, "oops! careful!" or something like that)....but if he really hurts himself and comes to me for kisses and hugs, I'll say into his ear "It's all right" or "it's OK", as a PP said, meaning more "it's OK to cry, it will be ok in a little bit, I'm here for you".

DS, has picked up on me asking him if he's OK when he falls, cause now sometimes he plays a game where he "booms" (sit/falls onto his butt) and then turns to me and says, "K!", and I say, "I'm glad you're OK!"

[Lizzo]

I often wonder this. However everytime I come to this conclusion. When DS falls, I wait to see his reaction, sometimes he's cool, sometimes he's stunned and then cries and sometimes he cries immediatley. I pick him up the second he cries. And I "inspect" him for wounds, although almost always it sound worse than it was. I hold him and reassure him 'It's OK, sweet baby. that must have hurt/scared you/ that sounded scary'. I never tell him not to cry, I let him cry, I hold him, if he wants to nurse, he does. Usually after a breif cuddle, he's back crawling around.
I think it depends where the "you're OK" is coming from.
I know that I am reassuring him, DS knows I am reassuring him, not downplaying, not brushing off. As long as we both know, then that's fine by us!

[TortelliniMama]

I'll say, "I think you're going to be okay," as a reassurance sometimes when ds is crying as a result of a fall or whatever, or "Are you okay?" if ds hasn't quite made up his own mind about it yet. "You're okay," does bug me, because it's frequently used in a way that totally dismisses that the child might have a different perspective on the situation than the parent. It might have hurt more than it looked like it did, or the child might be crying because he/she was scared by whatever happened. When I've heard it used, it's generally seemed like a way of saying, "I don't see any reason you should be crying, so don't." I can see how it could have a different meaning within a specific parent-child relationship, and it certainly sounds like some PPs use it in a way that's comforting rather than telling a child to just be quiet and happy, but I've never personally seen it used in a way that didn't seem dismissive of the child (since, if the child doesn't stop crying, the parent either says to stop crying or just ignores the child).

Oh, and, "It's okay," feels different to me, because it seems more like you're reassuring the child that you and he/she are capable of handling the situation, even if it's hard/painful right now.

[Piglet68]

This was one of the very first issues that got me thinking about GD.

When I was little and would hurt myself, my Dad would try to make me feel better by cracking jokes to make me laugh. Like if I bumped my head on the coffee table he'd say in a comic voice "Oh look! You broke the coffee table!". It wasn't funny and it made me feel very dismissmed and invalidated. All I wanted was some hugs. So validating is really important to me.

Johub raised the scenario of kids who fall and, if no parent is around, simply get up and go on with it, but if the parent is there then they dissolve into tears. The general interpretation of this (and I don't think this is johub's, btw) is that the child is actually just fine and is only playing up their emotions to get a response from the adult. This then seems to pressure the adult into telling the child they are okay, to teach them some sort of lesson about being...well, I dunno..."sucky" is the word that comes to mind. Maybe even a "sissy". After all, we don't seem to look kindly on a child who would cry only when mama is around to see the fall, but doesn't cry when they are unobserved.

I think it's just fine if my kid wants to play it up a bit. I know when I'm stressed out, little bumps and bruises can dissolve me into tears. Ditto when I'm tired. So maybe when my kid bawls after falling, it may not be that the child was really all that hurt, but I'm gonna give them hugs anyways and I'm not going to tell them they are fine or okay. I will ask them if they are okay. I'll give encouragement, too. But I won't say "oh, you're okay!".

[It's me!]

I haven't gotten to read all the posts, but I wanted to say....don't judge the parents too harshly. I have been known to say that to my son when he was younger. YOu see, my son was totally freaked out by blood. Even a small scratch that wasn't really bleeding, but looked red...he saw blood. And he would FREAK OUT! I often (while inspecting him) would say "it's okay baby, your okay" ect. It wasn't good enough to say "it will be okay" or "are you okay?" because that didn't cut it for him. He HAD to have Mama tell him he was okay, so he knew he was okay (and not dying LOL). I would also tell him if it was bleeding or not (didn't lie and tell him it wasn't when he was) but if it was bleeding, I tried desprately not to let him see it and I would tell him exactly how much or little it was so he could still know but not totally freak. If he saw the blood or if I didn't tell him he was okay, it would be hard for me to even look him over because he would be in such a state of panick.

He's 8 now and stuff doesn't bother him nearly as much, and I didn't have this with my DD.

[lilyka]

I say it sometimes. Often my chidlren cry because they fell. not because they are hurt. telling them they are OK reassures them that indeed there is not blood, no petruding bones, no cracked heads. . .i do check first to make sure they are OK.