"You're ok!" - Page 2

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I often catch myself immediately saying, "you're okay" after a fall or a bump or something. It didn't feel right to me to automatically say that. I thought about it for a while and realized that I was saying it to reassure MYSELF. I am anxious when she gets hurt.

[alegna]

It bugs me as an automatic response. I understand the reasoning behind it, but I think it's often faulty. On really minor stuff, I often don't say anything- or a plain- oops! you fell didn't you? When I'm not sure if she's hurt I go for the- bump! you fell down, are you okay? Then if she IS hurt I try to put it in words for her (only 18 months...) Ouch! you hit your head didn't you? I bet that hurts, would you like a hug?

-Angela

[angela&avery]

I say it all the time!! ..... While Im holding, hugging and saying other things. "Oh, honey, you're ok, that was scary, huh?...... that must have hurt..." etc etc....

I have a hard enough time controlling my anger impulses and yelling, which is getting better and better, i cant see analysing saying, "you're ok" to my dc. I love them, im reassuring them, it works for us, and thats all that matters.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by Piglet68

I think it's just fine if my kid wants to play it up a bit. I know when I'm stressed out, little bumps and bruises can dissolve me into tears. Ditto when I'm tired. So maybe when my kid bawls after falling, it may not be that the child was really all that hurt, but I'm gonna give them hugs anyways and I'm not going to tell them they are fine or okay.

Yeah, I agree. Sometimes kids just see their moms, they feel a little stressed, and they want some love.

My SIL almost NEVER comforts her children. When her son, who is 4.5, hurts himself and cries, she says, "Oh, you're fine, that didn't hurt." And if it looks like it really probably did hurt, she says, "You're okay, stop crying, you'll be fine." I think this is much different than the mothers here who are saying, "You're okay," to reassure their children that they are.

[blessed]

Sure, I do it too. When baby falls or what have you, one of the first things she does is look over at me with this questioning look, like 'gosh, what just happened? Am I okay, mom?'

If it was clearly just a startle, I reassure her and she is comforted by knowing that I'm watching out for her. If it looks like a genuine booboo, I check her over and soothe her.

Usually my language is a bit different when I think she's really in some pain. Instead of 'I saw that! You're okay! Don't worry!', I'll say 'Gee, I think you're okay. What do you think?' Sometimes she'll say 'No!' and point to her injured spot, looking for more comforting. When she's adequately recovered she'll nod yes - she's okay - and go on her way.

I see my hubby do this dismissive thing that some of you mention, so I know what you mean. For example, last night while changing her into pajamas he forgot to unzip the collar of her pullover. It was too tight to slide over her head, plus the zipper was scraping her chin while he was trying to pull it off.

She started screaming and I rushed over and saw what the problem was. My response in that type of situation is complete empathy and apology: 'oh honey! I'm so sorry! I didn't unzip your shirt and it was scratching your chin! I'm going to be very, very careful so that never happens again. Are you okay?'

Papa however does his usual 'distraction' technique: 'look! Look! See the dolly!' Puhleeze, like she's buying that? I told him 'honey, you have to apologize to her. You hurt her. She's not stupid, she's knows what just happened.' (In fact, she was actually crying out 'zipper! zipper!' when he was pulling on her shirt). But he just doesn't get it .

[Yooper]

I do not really like that phrase. When dd falls or hurts herself I say the same that I would to anyone that fell or hurt themselves. "Are you OK?" If it is obviousy painful or serious I skip even that and just ask how I can help or where is hurts. We have friends that have a dc about a year younger than ours that we are with a great deal. They get sort of mad at me when I ask their dc if she is OK after a fall. They do not want her "milking" them and they want their dc to suck it up. I cannot seem to help myself. it is an automatic response to anyone that I see that has an accident. I have not found dd to be more "milky" than other children. In fact, it still seems validating to her. She likes to be able to say "yes, I'm OK." And if she wants to "milk" (which is quite rare) it I am totally OK with that. Sometimes I feel a need to "milk" it too

[captain crunchy]

Oh man I have to say I cannot stand it when parents do that!! I do try to put it in perspective when I observe that the parent is really using shorthand for "I'm here, it will be all right" ... but I really don't care for the "you're okay" bit at all. My husband does that occasionally and it irks me -- I know he is not being dismissive, but rather trying to soothe our daughter so I try not to be too judgemental about it with him.

I usually say "what happened? Are you all right?" as I think most parents can decipher the "my toy isn't performing the way I want it to" cry from the "holy crap I split my head open" cry... so in the former -- I may say something like "aw, what happened? Are you all right? Do you need mama's help?" then attempt to help her and soothe her if she desires...

Of course with the more serious cries, I of course check her over to make sure nothing is seriously wrong then I hold her and tell her "mama's here...that hurt didn't it" or whatever...and empathize. Sometimes when she stops crying I will ask her "do you feel better honey?" or something...


Our daughter is still too young yet, but I remember reading somewhere a mama (maybe it was here?) who says to her verbal children who are crying --- "does your body hurt or are your feelings hurt?" in a gentle way to determine (immediately) what is going on...because some injuries are internal (head injuries, bruises that haven't showed up yet etc) and it helps determine the course of action. Of course along with getting hurt physically (a scraped knee etc) sometimes the child's feelings are hurt too and of course that is worthy of addressing... but I like the idea of giving it a name when the child comes to you crying and not saying anything right away.

[johub]

Originally Posted by captain crunchy

"does your body hurt or are your feelings hurt?" in a gentle way to determine (immediately) what is going on...because some injuries are internal (head injuries, bruises that haven't showed up yet etc) and it helps determine the course of action. Of course along with getting hurt physically (a scraped knee etc) sometimes the child's feelings are hurt too and of course that is worthy of addressing... but I like the idea of giving it a name when the child comes to you crying and not saying anything right away.

I do something like this. I usually ask "Are you hurt or are you scared?" (that is of course if I saw them hurt themselves, if they are crying with no apparent hurt I ask more like, "are you angry? Are you sad?" That type of thing.
And now that my youngest are 2y4m they answer pretty clearly. "Im scared" or "I hurt my elmo" (elbow)
Joline

[CelticMomma]

Originally Posted by lilyka

I say it sometimes. Often my chidlren cry because they fell. not because they are hurt. telling them they are OK reassures them that indeed there is not blood, no petruding bones, no cracked heads. . .i do check first to make sure they are OK.

I have the same experience with my four year old. She is so terrified of blood that if she falls, she gets this frightened look on her face while she waits for me to find the blood. She won't look at her injured area for fear she'd see it. So, I automatically asses her and reasure "You're okay!" as if to say "There's no blood". Maybe that's what I really should say. I'll have to think about that.

[TortelliniMama]

Originally Posted by CelticMomma

I have the same experience with my four year old. She is so terrified of blood that if she falls, she gets this frightened look on her face while she waits for me to find the blood. She won't look at her injured area for fear she'd see it. So, I automatically asses her and reasure "You're okay!" as if to say "There's no blood". Maybe that's what I really should say. I'll have to think about that.

Even though I'm one of the people who frequently end up wincing at "You're okay" (as I generally see it used IRL), I see a big difference between using it informationally, like you are, and using it to try to persuade a child to not be upset because you don't see any reason for her to be, which is how I see it used IRL. Plus, depending on your dd, I could see it being difficult for her to always hear the "no" in "There's no blood." Just the mention of blood could conceivably upset her further, depending on how worried about it she is.

[CelticMomma]

Originally Posted by TortelliniMama

Plus, depending on your dd, I could see it being difficult for her to always hear the "no" in "There's no blood." Just the mention of blood could conceivably upset her further, depending on how worried about it she is.

Funny you posted this. I've been thinking about it all day. Why DO I say "You're okay"? It's because anything else involves the use of the word BLOOD which would be doubly upsetting.

I do think I use the phrase fairly frequently. When she bangs herself up, as she is wont to do because she's a four year old and extremely silly, I find myself calling out "You're okay!" as I'm running to her. I still don't know if she's broken a bone or is bruised or hurt in some other way, but because there's no artery that has sprung a hefty leak, "You're okay!" springs out of my mouth.

I wonder if people observe me and think I'm squelching her feelings? It certainly could happen. Without knowing how upset my daughter is if she sees a droplet of blood, that would be an easy conclusion to come to.

Anyway, that's *my* reason for using the phrase, and I think I'll probably keep using it. It does help her feel better. But, I also think I'll listen to myself and make sure I use it wisely after thinking about this.

[Storm Bride]

It's funny. After posting in this thread, I started thinking about it, and I actually use "you're okay" very rarely. I tend to say "it's okay"...very subtle difference, I think. But, I'm glad I say "it's okay", as I think it carries more of a "the situation is fixable" vibe than a "you're over-reacting vibe". Either way, the comment is said soothingly, while I hug her, pat her hair, dry her tears, etc...dd is always welcome to sob into my shoulder over the day-to-day obstacles and heartbreaks that life carries with it. Who am I to tell her that dropping her apple is no big deal? I've collapsed in tears over dropping a spoon!...(straw that broke the camel's back syndrome).

[Hazelnut]

I think it has its place as a reassurance, as pps have mentioned, and I've used it. But it seems to be used automatically so often with such invalidating consequences, that I catch myself saying it a lot and try to come up with something, anything, alternative.
Once when another toddler pushed my toddler right off a mat, he landed on his back on the floor and wasn't crying, but looked hurt and shocked. Naturally I ran over and was comforting him, and she said "oh you're OK." Seeing someone else saying "you're OK" to my child when he clearly wasn't not only infuriated me, but really exposed how dismissive it can be.

[cheery]

while we're having fun talking about what ALL Those Other Parents do,
what about those who actually tell kids not to cry. Well if it's their own kids then I feel sorry for the kids but what if they are telling MY KID not to cry. I get realy bent out of shape on this one. Recently I have moved next door to a friend of mine and we and our kids interact a lot. She is a very gentle person but has never heard of GD and she does all theusual things that we all throw fits about/ and she was telling my dd, 'dont cry i dont like to see you cry' finally i had to say very sweetly, oh it is good to express ... it is really a challenge to 'correct' someone IRL who is dealing with your kid in ways that you think your kid is not old enough to filter out.

[writermommy]

Originally Posted by Piglet68

This was one of the very first issues that got me thinking about GD.



Johub raised the scenario of kids who fall and, if no parent is around, simply get up and go on with it, but if the parent is there then they dissolve into tears. The general interpretation of this (and I don't think this is johub's, btw) is that the child is actually just fine and is only playing up their emotions to get a response from the adult. This then seems to pressure the adult into telling the child they are okay, to teach them some sort of lesson about being...well, I dunno..."sucky" is the word that comes to mind. Maybe even a "sissy". After all, we don't seem to look kindly on a child who would cry only when mama is around to see the fall, but doesn't cry when they are unobserved.

I look at this a little differently. From my own observations, I think some children cry when mom is looking as a reaction to mom's reaction. Like if mom sees the baby fall and gets upset/scared/nervous. The child sees moms expression, senses her fear and begins to cry. Not in a manipulative or attention getting way, but because her reaction is scary or over the top. If this situation happens every time the child falls, the child's reaction can become habitual. OTOH, if mom is not looking or very calm in her reaction, the child would be less likely to cry.

I have a friend who does this with her dd. For every very slight injury, she becomes unglued and makes a HUGE deal out of it. I mean a tiny scrape gets a bandage about 5 times the size of the scrape. Her dd screams and cries at every little bump and she is getting way to old for it. (5th grade!!) The drama from a single scrape can last an hour. Knowing her from birth, the reaction seems habitual and often forced, rather than genuine. Definitely feeding off mom's reaction.

If mine fall, I hug them and check to see that they are, in fact, OK. If not, we tend to the injury with ice, bandaids whatever. If there is no injury, I'll hug them and say "It'll be all right." or "That was scary, wasn't it?" or even "It's ok" to calm them while I am cuddling or hugging them. For the most part, my youngest brushes herself off and tells me "I'm ok mommy" and continues playing. I think she learned that from a calm, yet reassuring reaction from dh and I over her three years of life.

Oh, and we NEVER tell our children not to cry. If they are crying, there's a reason for it. Being scared is as valid a reason as being injured. I don't like when parents do that. I'm sure most mean well, but it feels disrespectful to my child. I wouldn't want them to grow up thinking it's not healthy to express feelings.

[Orion'smommy]

The book, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, addresses the specific issue of saying, "It's okay" to children. In Chapter 1 the author explains that to communicate with a child a parent needs to:

1.Listen with full attention.
2.Acknowledge their feelings with a word—“Oh”…”Mmm”…”I see.”
3.Give their feelings a name.
4.Give them their wishes in fantasy.

Although my son is only 4 months old I try to use these techniques to develop good habits in communication. When he cries for hunger, I try not to say, “It’s okay.” Instead I will tell him, “I understand you are hungry, mommy is about to feed you.”

I found the book to be extremely helpful already; I would highly recommend it to all!

[jenniey]

OT-sorry

Originally Posted by johub

"I hurt my elmo" (elbow)

laughup
... i once spent about 10 minutes trying to find an old tickle me elmo doll in our house because the then 17 month old kept saying, "i taint find me elmo." thank goodness his older bro was there to explain it to me. please don't ask why he was so concerned with not knowing his shoulder from his elbow.

[Momtotwo2004]

This is something that we don't say with our children. Our reasoning is that *we* don't know if they're ok! We're not them. And the reassuring aspect of it is not reassuring to me. I can reassure with comments like, "Mom's with you." We prefer to ask them if they're ok or empathize with them instead.

My mother will often tell my 19 month old "You're ok. Stop crying. There's no need to cry." Now, this is done in a gentle tone without any outright dissmissiveness to it. But regardless, it IS dissmissive and tells DD how to feel. When she does this, I gently speak up and say, "It's ok to cry. You're feeling sad (hurt, angry, etc.)" My mom still doesn't get it.

A great story related to this is when a friends 2-year old fell off his chair. He was crying but not physically hurt. Just frightened, possibly embarrassed, etc. I went to him and scooped him up when no one else responded. He was getting only, "You're ok. Get up." When I held him, another mom said, "He's fine! He's not even hurt!" I responded, "But he's frightened and that's just as upsetting as physical pain." I honestly saw a light go on in her eyes and after a second she said, "You're right!" What a great moment.