Consensual Living - how many kids?

[Yooper]

I have seen mentioned several times that consensual living is great and all....but only works if you have one kid. We only have one and we strive to live consensually. We do not plan to have more children but it is always a possibility..... I know there are parents on here that try to live this way that have more than one kid. If you are one of them, please post! I would love to hear how many kids you have, thier ages, how long you have been living this way, your opinion on the idea that it is not possible with more than one, and anything else you think would be pertenent. I would also like to hear from people that started out this way but then stopped due to having multiple children and your opinion on the matter.

[Yooper]

Oh, also, I would like to hear from people that choose to (or not) limit thier family size in order to make consensual living more viable. How and why did you make that choice?

I can answer that question.....

We are not limiting our family size because we try to live consensually. We are limiting our family size due to economics and my temperment. If those things were to change which they might over time, I do think living consensually is possible with multiple children and it would not be a major factor in the decision. If anything it makes it more appealling as my interactions with dd have been much more enjoyable after changing my parenting views.

[captain crunchy]

Well, I am probably not what you want because we only have one child so far-- but I will pipe in anyway!

We don't know yet whether we will have any more children. This is not a decision based on consensual living or not-- as you mentioned, it is more now due to my personality, finances, our daughter's young age etc and so on. I do think consensual living would be easier with only one child, but certainly not impossible with more than one child. I think anytime there is a dynamic where all family members' wants and needs are considered and mutually agreeable solutions are the primary goal -- it would make sense that if you throw 2, 3, 4 more people into the mix, it would make it a little more difficult.

I have seen consensual living in families with more than one child... I have seen it in families with 4 or 5 children --- however, they may not have put that label on it per se...but the way their family dynamic was set up was basically in a consensual living situation. In my observation it certainly seemed like it required more patience and critical thinking, as well as more *voluntary* compromise... but again, I do think it can be done.

I think spacing of children can be important to. Of course there are many *happy accidents* and such, but I think if one were to live consensually and wanted to have more than one child, it may be easier to space them accordingly --- I can imagine it is difficult for anyone to have 2 children in diapers, or who aren't verbal, or who even aren't steady on their feet ( a young toddler and an infant for instance)... I recognize in myself that I am not the type of personality who would handle that well (though I would certainly try)... so in as much as I can help it... we take measures to prevent pregnancy until we are sure we may want another child.

[ambdkf]

Originally Posted by yoopervegan

I would love to hear how many kids you have, thier ages, how long you have been living this way, your opinion on the idea that it is not possible with more than one, and anything else you think would be pertenent.

Well, I have two kids they are 6 and 8. We have been living consensually pretty much from the start. I think I have grown and we have gotten better at it but it was always there.

It is one of the reasons we stopped at 2 kids. I wasn't sure I could be the parent that I want to be with more. I still think it can be done but I'm sure it would be harder. The great thing is that we all (kids included) get better at it with time and practice so I think that is why it can work with more and why it does work with my two. I also have a dh that supports and totally believes in it, that really helps. I think that would be a harder hurdle to deal with than more kids.

One of the other big differences I see here is that my kids aren't in school (we homeschool). I think that could be a challenge but even if my kids decided to go to school tomorrow we would still find a way to live consensually.

I do it as much for me as for them I don't know if I could handle the power struggles I hear about in other homes. We just don't have them, our energy is spent in relating, respecting one another and problem solving (which I love) so that makes it a much more pleasant place for me to spend my time. I think others aren't as bothered by the struggles or the adversarial energy. I really just think that is a sensitivity of mine. Thankfully, it is working for us. Even my more mainstream friends agree that we have awesome kids I think all kids are awesome but many people believe that consensual living is permissive, creating out of control banshees. My friends that know my kids IRL know that just isn’t the case.

OK rambling, let me know if I didn’t answer your question

[CorasMama]

Ummm pardon my ignorance, but I am unfamiliar with the term. I googled, but couldn't get any clarity on it. What is consensual living?

[irinam]

Two kids here. VERY different everything - age, gender, temperaments. Plus we are "mainstream" in the following way - school, both DH and I work outside home, and I say we stil choose/strive to live concentually

[lilyka]

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[Niamh]

Another person you don't want to hear from!

We have one child and one on the way. We are planning for five/six.

Consentual living is a big deal for us as parents as both of our sets of parents were very dictatorial.

I think of having another child and then another as just another step in consentual living.

For example, consentual living was not an issue when I was single. Didn't like what my roommates did? Didn't do it. Then marriage. Both my husband and I found that we were required to think about another person's needs/desires when we made plans or decisions. Sometimes mine won out, sometimes his did. Then we added a child. Now sometimes hers do, sometimes his do, sometimes mine do. We always talk about it and have her involved. When the new baby comes, it will just add another human's desires/needs to the mix and we will all be better for it. My DD1 will learn that her needs don't always trump DD2 and that sometimes they do. It helps that there's that stage when I can strap DD2 to me and still accomodate DD1, so DD1 doesn't feel like this little baby came in and life as she knew it was over.

I'm excited about the future. And figure that I'll develop much, much more patience and ingenuity as time goes on!

[lilyka]

For those of you having, more considering more did your current child have a say in weather or not you had another one? what if wasn't cool with them or wanted to wait longer? I guess this isn't such an uissue with a very small child but I can see an older one having an opinion. would you take thier feelings into consideration?

: I am not being snarky I swear.

[ambdkf]

Originally Posted by lilyka

would you take thier feelings into consideration?

It would definitely be something we would all discuss and agree upon if we were to have another. As it was, my first dd was 14 months old when I got pregnant so not sure she knew what she was getting into But I think they should have a say, as they will certainly be impacted!

[jenniey]

three boys, 4 and under...

Well, well, well. I try. I do. But sometimes it is SO hard to live the way we want, to accommodate everyone, to practice patience, to be the parents (and children) we wanted to be.
I know that my first son would be calmer, happier and more content if he were an only child. We planned on only having one for various reasons, one of them being parenting style. But then his first birthday came around and we conceived number two. And then his first birthday came around and we conceived number three. And then we snipped my husband.
We live in the country, so it is easy to distract the boys by opening the door and going for a walk. We always have time for a walk. This is my main form of parenting at this point. No matter what I am doing, if trouble is a brewing, we walk together.
It was SO much easier with just one. We didn't even have to think about it. We never forced anything; we still don't force, but we do trick them sometimes, bribe them occassionally, and do a lot of talking.
My middle boy has no idea how easy life can be... he has never experienced the tranquility of being the only child in our life.
What I am trying to say is that I think it is possible to live consensually with three very small boys, but it takes a lot of devotion, and I don't always succeed. And we have made some changes, but nothing really big. The biggest problem we face is between siblings: getting them to live consensually with each other. Mostly we can, but sometimes it can be a pretty big deal. Tempers wear thin amongst all of us at times, not just between parents and children. Sometimes we lose our tempers. We apologize and get on with it. We are only human.

ETA: I hope this doesn't sound pretencious to anyone. I am anything but. I am so imperfect at this it isn't even funny. But, we are TRYING to live consenually. We were doing a lot better at it with just one. I wanted to add this because we have recently been having a string of very bad days which are pushing my patience and devotion to the limit. But, I think it is important to acknowledge this and move on, YKWIM, keep trying.

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by jenniey

"let's take rid of Oakley mama, really, we should take him to the dump..." but our family has a rule of -mutual agreement before action- so he's safe for now,