Here we go the dreaded "Mine" word

[afishwithabike]

I really could use some advice on this one. I have a real situation here. My 20 month old has learned "mine" which would be fine if she didn't use it against her 6 mo old brother who doesn't have many of his own things. He has a few age appropriate toys etc. However she likes to claim his toys as well. He is scooting all around and trying to explore everything inclusing the toys. There is nothing that we have that he could get hurt on so it's not like she is trying to "mother" him. She is really marking her territory. This is a new one for me so I'd really appreciate the feedback. TIA

[Liam's_Momma]

I don't have any advice for you but my DS is going thru the same thing with his little buddy... He will talk non-stop about going and playing with his friend and as soon as we get there- any toy that his friend has he grabs it away and says *mine!*
I am puzzled with this as well... I will be :

[Piglet68]

It's a very normal stage of development. Mine went through this at about the same age. This is what I did. I stopped putting her in situations that were stressing her out, like small playgroups/playdates, LLL meetings, etc. She was okay at a playpark, or outdoor playground, but at either her house or a friends' house it was all about possessing the toys, and she would just get so distraught.

My gut told me she wasn't ready for this yet, so I stopped doing it. No more playdates, she went to Grandma's when I went to LLL with baby DS, and we spent time with little friends at playgrounds, Science World, etc. I felt that she simply wasn't mature enough to deal with sharing (it was also a personality thing: other kids her age could handle it), but that with time she coudl handle it. I was right: after a while she was able to deal better with it, and was able to handle instruction about what to do in such situations.

At home, the deal is that she has certain toys that are "just hers" and she can choose not to share them with DS. The other toys are for sharing. If one child has it, it's theirs until they choose something else. Grabbing is not allowed. Trading, however, is perfectly acceptable. DD has become really good at finding something for DS to have if she wants what he has. Of course, if he isn't accepting the trade, it's a no-go.

By focusing on what she CAN do (trade, wait for a turn, play with something else) it has helped her learn. And when waiting is just too hard and she cries or tries to grab, I gently take her and hold her and comfort her and say "sharing is really HARD, isn't it?" and give her lots of love...and before you know it, it's her turn again.

(but I think this above lesson has to be learned when they are ready, and mine just wasn't at age 2)

[DevaMajka]

I don't know how to deal with this, but I wanted to share something that I read a while back.
It said that kids learn "mine" by hearing adults say the same thing. "that's not for you to play with. That's mommy's." (Although I'm quite sure the impulse to have all the toys could still be there )
Not sure if that holds true in your house or not, but I found it interesting when I read it. I've tried to keep from using "ownership words" since, and focused more on the real "why's." But, since ds isn't verbal yet, I don't know how it will affect saying "mine" lol. He certainly is fine with sharing (even with other kids), but I think that's just his personality at the moment.

The only thing I could say is give information, empathize, and redirect/give alternatives ("honoring the impulse" is in there somewhere lol). That's my "formula" for most things

btw, we're close- I live in ne ohio

[afishwithabike]

It said that kids learn "mine" by hearing adults say the same thing. "that's not for you to play with. That's mommy's." (Although I'm quite sure the impulse to have all the toys could still be there )

I'm not sure if I do this or not. Sometimes it is hard to pay attentionto everything you say. Now that you have pointed that out I will listen to myself more carefully. Thank you all for your input.

[cheery]

was going to say the same thing. a word so power laden as "mine" will get picked up quickly by kids even if they hear it once from parents. I try showing the power of giving and sharing BY EXAMPLE and not by calling attention to the act of "sharing," which often stymies kids or is used by them to get others' things rather than actually share their own.

[Suzetta]

In our house, most of the toys are common property. Whover gets it first gets to play with until they are done. However, my oldest dd has certain things that are respected as 'hers', and we have other things that are her sister's (baby sis is still to young to fight for hers, so we discuss her ownership with older sis. This way, she can play with baby sisters toys, and we can tell her that baby is 'sharing' with her). We really encourage her to play with her baby sister and share...but if she is in one of those moods, we respect her right to not have to share.

However, if the toy snatching starts, we deal with it by stressing that if she can't play nice, she will have to play by herself, and either she goes to her room or we pick up baby and go somewhere else for a few minutes. She has learned to appreciate the built in playmate she has with her baby sister, and they are learning to play very nicely together.

We also try to use some humor with the word "MY". My dh, for example, will grab her nose and say "that is MY nose!" and the silliness ensues from there. Humor really helps to deal with a lot of these issues.

It is very normal for a 2 yo to claim everything as theirs. I have even noticed that my dd's same age friends get possesive of their mothers when they show attention to my youngest child. (That's MY mom!)