Do you think of yourself as a friend to dc? - Page 2

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by irinam

Rachel, I totally see what you are saying, however I could not help but smile because sometimes I *do* lean on DS emotionaly, just like he leans on me and we help each other! I think not seeing me as a martyr, but as a human actually helps him open up to me when he needs a shoulder to lean on.

I was another who said I wouldn't 'burden' my children with my problems...not because I'm a martyr, but because I don't think a child should have to worry about the complexities and depth of adult issues...as I said before, I wouldn't shield my children form my emotions, I have no problem letting them know if I'm sad, mad, worried, whatever, but I woulnd't 'dump' on them with all the details, and look for support from them like I would with a friend.

If I gave them a brief age appropriate explanation about what was going on with me, and they gave me a hug and said they were sorry or they hoped I felt better soon, that would be wonderful...and if they didn't want to discuss it with me any further, that would be fine, too....I wouldn't expect them to support me that way. I would, however, be a little hurt if I poured my heart out to a friend and they 'brushed me off'.

It makes me think of my mom, when she had breast cancer when I was 14. We talked, and I gave her hugs and support, and I knew how hard it was on her, and we talked about both of us being scared, but she didn't 'dump' on me like she did with her sister and my dad....and I honestly thank her for it - I don't know if I could have handled her fallign apart in front of me, which I knew she did with others. She didn't hide the basic facts from me, or her basic emotions, but she didn't put more 'on' me than she thought I could handle at my age...and I am glad she didn't. My mom and I are now about as close as any mother-daughter I know, closer to the friendships I have with my other friends, as adults, so clearly she did something right in her discretion when I was younger.

[irinam]

I agree donosmommy04 and I too say in my post that ANY friendship should be age approppriate.

But OP's question did not specify kids to be certain age either and as I said what that what I do with my 5.5 yers old is different then what I do with my 18.5 year old. I do not see me responding to his desire to help me emotionally as "burdening " him. Neither in me helping him emotionally is "burdening" me.

Like he physically helps us move the furniture for example. It will not be age appropriate for my 5 years old. But trust me, just fine with my 18 year old. And I don't see it as "burdening" nim.

I will not expect him just to move EVERYTHING and me and DH sit back and watch. Similary I do not expect him to get me through ALL of my emotional issues without me doing most of it myself, DH's help, other friends, etc.

By the way,a question for those who answered "no friendship" - do you see yourself being friends with different age group? If so, how much older/younger? Hope you don't mind answering

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by irinam

I agree donosmommy04 and I too say in my post that ANY friendship should be age approppriate.

But OP's question did not specify kids to be certain age either and as I said what that what I do with my 5.5 yers old is different then what I do with my 18.5 year old. I do not see me responding to his desire to help me emotionally as "burdening " him. Neither in me helping him emotionally is "burdening" me.

Like he physically helps us move the furniture for example. It will not be age appropriate for my 5 years old. But trust me, just fine with my 18 year old. And I don't see it as "burdening" nim.

I will not expect him just to move EVERYTHING and me and DH sit back and watch. Similary I do not expect him to get me through ALL of my emotional issues without me doing most of it myself, DH's help, other friends, etc.

By the way,a question for those who answered "no friendship" - do you see yourself being friends with different age group? If so, how much older/younger? Hope you don't mind answering

You know, irinam, I think we may be getting into another case of 'we're probably saying the same thing, just with different words' Someone on that non-negotiable thread said only those of us who share 90% similarity would debate over that 10% fervently

I know I don't quite fit into your question above, but just for the record....

My youngest friend is 5 years younger than me...my oldest friend is 23 years older than me (and not a family member). In general, with people I come into contact with IRL, I have more in common with people older than me than younger than me, so it's easier to build friendships with them...however, age is not a determining factor...I just go my "fit"!

[irinam]

Originally Posted by donosmommy04

You know, irinam, I think we may be getting into another case of 'we're probably saying the same thing, just with different words' Someone on that non-negotiable thread said only those of us who share 90% similarity would debate over that 10% fervently

You are right But isn't fun to argue

In line with my own question, this would make me a friend of DS who is "only" 17 years older

[Emzachsmama]

At this point, no I am not my dc's friend...I am their mother. When they are adults, then we can be friends. For now it is important that they know although there are LOTS of times when we do fun things together like friends do, ultimately I am their mom not a friend.

[Nurturing Mama]

I'm with Captain Crunchy. I feel like I'm my son's mother as well as his friend.

I think it all depends on how we define "friend", though. There are different types of friends. I have close adult friends, casual adult friends, family member friends, my husband, my child, mentors, etc. All are friends in different capacities.

Dictionary.com has five definitions for "friend":

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.
5. Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.

The first three definitions are indicative of my relationship with my son.

I am definitely more than a friend to my son, though. I am also his mother. Being a friend to him is a part of our relationship.


Carrie

[papayapetunia]

Friend or parent?

I think my relationship with my daughter has elements of friendship. We are a lot closer than I was with my mother, and she talks to me about things I would never have felt comfortable talking to my mother about. I think it's not that I'm her "friend," but that I'm "friendly" with her. Although, she does tell me that I'm her best friend in the whole world. And we do have inside jokes together like we're friends.

I have always seen myself as my daughter's guide in life. I'm here to show her how to be a grown-up and to be her own person. (Of course, I don't teach her how to be a grown-up right away. It's in little steps throughout 25 years or so.) I think I believe in sort of a compromise between friend and authority figure. I was raised when Tough Love was really big (in the eighties). Parents were told that they should never be their child's friend; they should demand absolute respect. I think that created a lot of cold relationships between parents and their children.

[Attila the Honey]

To me it's all just labels. There probably isn't a word that could adequately describe the relationship I have with my dd, but I hope 'friendship' is one of them.

When I think of a friend I think of someone that supports me and vice versa, I think of someone that can tell me his/her problems without judgement. I hope to be that for my dd. I want her to grow up knowing there is nothing she can't tell me and there is no problem we can't work on together.

When I think of the people I know who have said, 'I am not his friend, I am his FATHER (MOTHER)', to me those people usually seem to be saying it in a disrespectful way - the subtext seems to be, "I am not here to make him feel good/to have fun, but to keep him in line!". I think that is exactly what I want to distance myself from when I say that yes, I want to be my dd's friend.

However, friend or not all relationships are unique and have unique boundaries. I mean, even my friends who are my peers do not all have the same relationship with me. That's why just because I won't cross certain boundaries iwth my dd (complain about my marriage, tell her about my financial problems etc.) I don't automatically consider our relationship not to include friendship.

[UmmBnB]

No intention of being my kids friend. I'm their mother - very different thing. I've yet to see the parent as friend dynamic turn out responsible, mature, want-to-be-around kids. Not to say it never works, I've just not seen it in my world.

[MissRubyandKen]

I honestly could not imagine spending as much time as I do with my children with anyone I didn't consider my friend.

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

Of course my children fit into this definition!

I agree donosmommy04 and I too say in my post that ANY friendship should be age approppriate.

I wouldn't talk about certain things with ANY child! Does NOT mean they aren't or can't be my friend.

And of course my relationship with my children goes above and beyond being their friend. In what other relationship do you conceive a body and spirit into being, carry them in your wound, birth them, and become responsible for their very life. I am STILL their friend.

[maya44]

Originally Posted by irinam

I don't think there is anything wrong with your kids helping you emotionally.

I do. I just don't think this is really their job and I think it place too great a burden on them to be expected to do this. Though if they do so inadvertently, great. But it is not something I think a parent should be relying upon.

[irinam]

Originally Posted by maya44

I do. I just don't think this is really their job and I think it place too great a burden on them to be expected to do this. Though if they do so inadvertently, great. But it is not something I think a parent should be relying upon.

And I think so too.

I also think it's not my friends "job" to do it either. Nor do I "expect" them to do this. Just like anything, if such courtesy is extended - great. If not, I will survive

As with any relationship, I do not expect anything and do not assign jobs to anybody in any relationship. All I can expect is what I do myself be it with friends, DC or DH.

Sorry, don't mean to try to convince you other than you believe, just comparing my thoughts with yours.

[maya44]

Originally Posted by irinam

And I think so too.

I also think it's not my friends "job" to do it either. Nor do I "expect" them to do this. Just like anything, if such courtesy is extended - great. If not, I will survive

As with any relationship, I do not expect anything and do not assign jobs to anybody in any relationship. All I can expect is what I do myself be it with friends, DC or DH.

Sorry, don't mean to try to convince you other than you believe, just comparing my thoughts with yours.

Really, you don't expect your friends to provide support for you? OK.

But is this not something that you hope for in the relationship? You would not like for them to make an active attempt to provide emotional support for you?

I do. I think most people do of their friends.

But I like I said I do not expect it from my children. More importantly, I don't really feel that I want them actively attempting to provide emotional support for me.

I think that wanting this from them or them regularly actively trying to do so is not healthy for them when they are young. (Later on, when they are adults, its fine).

So no, I really don't think the "friends" model works at all for a parent-child relationship.

[mykdsmomy]

Wow, and I was worried no one would respond Thank you, mamas for all the great responses.....that's why I love this board....I love to read everyone's views and it really helps to process through questions and concerns you have on different topics....
I agree and yet had never thought about how being a parent encompasses so much more than just friendship.....it doesnt have to be a "to be or not to be" issue.....
I think there are days when my dd11 feels like my "buddy" but then there are times when I know she doesnt like me much because of boudaries or whatever that dh and I have to set......My hope is later in life when she is an adult, we can take our relationship to a new level and have more of a "Friendship"....I hope that makes sense

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by captain crunchy

I don't always like my friends. True friendship ebbs and flows. There have been times where my friends and I haven't always agreed, and times when we have been so angry with eachother that we needed a break of sorts. I have a very close friend who shares hardly any similar interests with me anymore, but we have been best friends for 15 years and she is family to me... I don't need to like the same bands she likes to be her best friend.

In as much as you don't agree with me, I feel the same and that is okay. I don't strive to be a "benevolent ruler" . Just because someone is dependent on me, doesn't give me control to decide for them what is "morally right". Loving and providing and protecting someone doesn't give someone authority. My husband supports our family financially. In a way I am very "dependent" on him financially, and even emotionally to a degree because he is my best friend and number one supporter --- he has no control over me.

It amazes me sometimes the level of control parents *think* they have over their children to stop them from doing things that are "wrong." Some day, sooner than anyone realizes, that toddler that you can control is going to become a teenager that you can't.

I would rather already have a solid 14 or so years under our belts of consensual living and a relationship that doesn't have a dynamic of control where our child (ren) know our relationship is based on mutual respect, and not force.

ETA: ... and I never understood the idea that we can "make" ethical adults by control.

Well, yeah, but what if your dd decided she didn't like you anymore? Would you "break up" with her?

It's just a different relationship, whether you live consensually or not. Here's how I feel about my children. If they grew up to be white supremacist ax murderers, I'd still love them. If they told me they hated me and tried to kill me, I'd still love them. Can you imagine if I told a friend I felt like that about them? They'd probably get a restraining order.

[wildmonkeys]

I hope that we have a true friendship when they are adults, but for now I am comfortable with having our interactions be very different from the very unconditional friendship my parents and I share.

That being said - when my kids need a friend - I think part of my role as a mama is being able to be a friend, ykwim?

BJ
Barney & Ben

[SunRayeMomi]

CaptainCrunch said her friends would die for her. I am willing to die for my children but I never would want them to do the same.

I was going to say this same thing until I kept reading and saw you already did.

Originally Posted by Attila the Honey

To me it's all just labels. There probably isn't a word that could adequately describe the relationship I have with my dd, but I hope 'friendship' is one of them.

My daughter is a very close friend of mine. But I mean that in a sense whereas I totally and completely enjoy her company (most of the time). Now, I think that myabe that is part luck and part my parenting, because I know plenty of great mamas with challenging children that probably couldn't agree with something like this. But in the sense that I love her company, she is truly a great friend of mine.

That said, I am also very good "friends" with my own mother. The same couldn't have ever been said during my teens where I fervently disliked her, but now that we are both mothers with common ground, I would say we are more friends now than anything. I truly respect my mother for raising me (she made me who am I, to some extent), but I no longer look at her as more of a mother than a friend. No, she is more friend than mother now. But I am a very independent soul.

My DD too is very independent, and for being a preschooler has so much personality and flair that sometimes I forget she's not "one of the gals". But even the "friendship" that I share with my own mother differs GREATLY from the relationship I have with her. And it all boils down to age.

I've always had friends of all ages. And so does dd. Some of her best friends are "big girl friends" - they are my friends, but hers as well. But honestly, to describe the many types and levels a relationship has is nearly impossible. It's what makes each friendship unique, and irreplaceable.

So am I her friend? Yeah, sure! But I think everyone put it more eloquently than I could, so I will just say that there are many different definitions of what it is to be a friend.


~~~~~~~~~~~~
ETA: I just asked Raye if she was my "best friend" and she looked at me funny then said "No. I'm your baby!" Be still my broken heart.