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Unwanted Family - Page 2

post #21 of 29
I'm glad you are going to talk it out in your head before you have the "what do you see in him" conversation. First thing I thought when I read that was that it was a good idea but an iffy wording. No one ever asks "what do you see in him" and expects a positive answer - KWIM? Something along the lines of "what is your favorite thing about him?" or "what is the most fun you've ever had together (well... maybe not) OK, how about "best date?"
post #22 of 29
Thread Starter 
Wise comment, Kirsten. .. "Most fun," I won't chance that one, but "best date" or "favorite thing about him" both sound like good spring boards for a positive conversation. (Dd is VERY sensitive, especially about the boyfriend, so I have to tiptoe when I go there.) I'll see how I can work something like that into the conversation.
post #23 of 29
I agree. Good idea to leave out the "Most fun". Might not wanna hear this one. I was also a difficult teen, for a variety of reasons. I remember feeling that my parents didn't even care. They did, of course, but just felt paralysed with fear and anger and frustration and whatever. I read it as not caring. You really sound like you are doing everything right. She knows you love her. That is paramount. My heart is with you.
post #24 of 29
Originally posted by kamalani
Are you still with him? What was it like being married at 15?
No. Not still with him. I hardly remember those years now. Partially because there was so much abuse that I've pushed a;lot of it away & partly because we "partied" so much that I didn't remember it the next night let alone all these years later. I didn't even have any contact with my parents for several years. I couldn't turn to them, partially because of my pride but mostly because I didn't think they cared. We were together until I was 17 & I found the courage to leave. He caught me at home when I went to get my stuff (he was suppose to be at work) & raped me. The only good things that came out of that marriage are my eldest Ds & my sense of independence.
post #25 of 29
Thread Starter 

You are very strong to be able to forget about the past and see the good, ie. your independence and your ds.
post #26 of 29
Hi Kamalani,

Like a lot of the other people here, your description of your daughter has reminded me of myself at that age and now my mom and I (and my dad and I) are very close, we always say "I love you" before ending a phone call, etc. So it will turn out okay I'm sure.

But what I thought of when someone else suggested being super nice to dob was, if you go out of your way to say nice things about him to your daughter she may try to be snotty at the time but she'll remember that you were cool. And, if this guy is really a turd and ever says something nasty about you and your dh, your dd is a lot more lkely to jump to your defense and in the process see what a loser he is.

No matter how it all plays out, good luck getting through the tailend of her teenagehood!

Blessed be,

post #27 of 29
Thread Starter 
I wish I could think of something nice to say about dob, but I don't think, "That was really thoughtful of him to throw his clothes in the laundry so I could wash them for him" counts.

How about, "I like the way he grunted and slightly raised his hand in a possible gesture of goodbye"? Would that work?

Maybe I could go for, "Nice arrangement of junk in your front yard. Are you an artist?"

Excuse my sarcasm. I'm very tired tonight. My dh has been on a business trip for a week, and I'm pretty much used up.

The boards, though, are a bright spot in the haze for me.

Thanks, everyone, for being here when no one else is. And mostly thanks for not putting me down for feeling sad or annoyed. I'm so used to getting, "Snap out of it, quit complaining, you shouldn't feel like that... bla, bla, bla.."


post #28 of 29
Bare with me, but I have story that might help...

When Mr. Rogers died earlier this week, some of us were talking about how he influenced us as children. One of my friends told us about how she wrote Mr. Rogers a letter when she was about 10 telling him how much she hated his show--that it was stupid and boring and that she thought he was lame.

He wrote her back and told her he was so happy she was able to express her feelings of anger and dislike. He wished her the best.

She saved the letter and to this day comments on how much it changed her.

Hold on, I'm breaking out the arm chair--here is my take on the whole thing: She is stretching her limbs and experimenting with her indepence. She knows you love her and are always there, so it is easy to rebuff you. Teens are like two-year-olds: they push and push their boundaries but always want to know that they have them. It makes them feel safe, you know?

This too shall pass...keep on loving her like you have been. I think its great you are encouraging her bro and her to spend time together.

(((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) to you on what must be a very difficult time.

post #29 of 29
Thread Starter 
Thanks, Jesse, for your kind and encouraging reply. I guess I am quite easy to rebuff. I am always there, always trying to make it better.

I found myself starting to cry yesterday as I watched two little girls playing - one with Mom, and one with Dad...the mutual adoration, the smiles, the laughter. I felt like some poor waif out in the cold, looking in. We used to be just like them.

Yes, I miss Mr. Rodgers, too. When dd was little, we used to watch him, and every time the show was over, we'd say, "Goodbye Mr. Rodgers." And now he's gone. It's up to all of us to carry on and remember his kind and gentle ways.
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