Adjusting to 2 children...Need suggestions

[Mama2Tristan]

I am at a loss. It has always been the Tristan show...playing together, etc. He's been my sidekick. Now that wonderful Sage is here, I'm not sure how to get Tristan to do more self-play. He gets so upset when I can't play with him. He actually wants me to play with him all day. If I can't, he asks for tv, which I don't want to get him in the habit of....But he won't play by himself at all. How have you mamas adjusted to having 2? He's really into super heroes right now, superman, batman, hawk girl, etc..But he expects me to be one of them...I feel so bad too. And then if I won't play, he does nothing. He won't even play, he will sit there..so then I end up playing with him, with an infant in the other arm nursing or sleeping...Any suggestions?

[ehsclt]

We used a lot of books on tape with dd1 when dd2 was born. She has her own little tape recorder and she would sit with it next to me while I nursed dd2. I felt much better about books on tape than tv. Do you think Tristan would be at all interested in those? Our library has a really good collection and we just pick up three or four each time we're there. We also did a ton of reading while nursing, with dd1 holding the book and turning the pages while I looked at it and read the text.

Someone asked this same question at a LLL meeting I attended and there were many good suggestions. One that I remember was using an egg timer to teach a child to play by him or herself, setting it for five minutes or so at the beginning just to get the child used to it. Again, that may or may not be a good idea for you.

I know this is a hard adjustment for both Tristan and you. It will be so much better when Sage is a bit older and Tristan can entertain her and feel good about doing so. I remember what a great change it was when dd1 could dance around and make dd2 smile and get so much pride from it.


Emily

[darien]

You might try a game I play with my older ds sometimes. We pretend that we're "undercover," pretending to be a regular family. For example, I'm Qui-Gon Jinn, and he's my apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi. The Jedi Council has asked us to replace this family's mom and big brother because... (insert exciting mission here!).

While "impersonating" ourselves, we do babycare, errands, and chores. Ds is 9, but he still loves this. Maybe you and Tristan could be Batman and Robin, protecting Sage from villains? Worth a shot!

[coloradoalice]

I really love the ideas that have been given, the superheros one is awesome!!!

One thing that is working well with Gracie is music. I have gone to the library and gotten music that is from or by her favorite tv show people. She was watching wayyyyyyyyyyy too much tv for awhile because I was just stuck on the couch with the c-section recovery and then the gall bladder attacks. To wean her off tv I got music from Sesame Street, and the Wiggles, as well as a bunch of really fun CD's, world music, jazz, etc..... all with kid songs. She loves it and it has helped a lot. She loves to dance, so that's what she mainly does, but she also will listen while doing blocks, puzzles, etc.... I have found that if I can just start a project with her after a few minutes of my time she is happier to do it alone. I am also trying to include her how I can, helping move laundry, put things away, wipe things up. She is at a stage where she loves cleaning right now, so that helps!

Good luck, I'm right there with you!!

[Mama2Tristan]

thanks mamas! these are great suggestions. tristan is looking forward to going to the library one of these days.

[Nature]

Way too much tv watching going on here... though when its on, she isn't always watching.. and they are DVD's and not regular television (which we don't watch at all...okay, except Charmed. I do watch that every Sunday)

My 2 1/2 year old doesn't play by herself much either. In fact, my 7 year old doesn't even. They want entertainment most of the time.

[TwinMom]

This infant-needing-constant-nursing/attention thing doesn't last too long. When Joe was born, Alec was almost 3.5 years old and I remember those days, but honestly, I don't think TV (or DVDs or vidoes) is the *worst* thing for those days. I mean, it's not like you're going to be sticking him in front of it every day for a year, right? It's for occasional, emergency use on those days when you just can't DO two (or four!) kids at once. It doesn't mean you're a bad mom, it means you are human and you need some help.

That being said, here are some things that I did with my preschooler when another baby came on the scene (man, I didn't appreciate the 8-year difference between the twins and a baby until I had a preschooler and a baby!). Involve the preschooler in making play-doh and then he can play with it by himself while you nurse the baby. It's not difficult to mix up with a baby in a sling, either. Read books. Storytime at the library. Seriously, it was great, being able to sit at the back of the room with a baby nursing. I got to look through books or even just close my eyes and doze (don't laugh, but I had a librarian tap me on the shoulder for snoring one time!) while Alec sat listening to stories. We went to Whole Foods almost every day; the people interaction was great for Alec, plus he got to keep a routine, while the drive and hanging out in the sling people-watching made Joe tired enough to take a nap when we got home. Stroller rides! Alec could scooter or ride his trike (now bike!) while I pushed Joe in the stroller. Maybe it's not good weather where you are, but if it's mild just bundle up. There's a roller skating rink in my area that offers a toddler time once a week where toddlers and preschoolers can skate and moms can push strollers on the rink. I haven't been, but I have friend who go and love it; maybe there's something like that in your area. LLL meetings--I have met many friends there. If nothing else, it kills one morning a month, but there are also possible playgroups or playdates to be made.

Good luck, mama, and remember, this too shall pass1

[TwinMom]

Okay, I feel really dumb, I just now noticed that you were looking for more self-play ideas. I think that self-play has to emerge as the child matures; it's not something you can force. If I were you I would do as many playdates as your temperaments will allow, go to a park at the busiest time every day, create times when Tristan will be able to play with other children for a good amount of time. I have found that my kids play more willingly by themselves when they have played with other kids more. It's like they get tired of being around other people and need to have down-time, just like we do, so they're more agreeable to playing on their own.

[Mama2Tristan]

thanks twinmom!
all these postings have helped! especially about the child being ready to selfplay, which i don't think he's ready. i think i was basing this on comments from my sister whose youngest is 8 mos older than tristan....that makes a huge difference at 3 yrs old...

[AAK]

I think there is a stage that is kinda in between self-play and full out mommy play. And you can tap into it around 2 1/2 or 3 years. One example, Kayla might "make dinner" out of playdough WHILE I make the family meal. She is right there with me, but I get dinner made nd she is doing some of the play by herself. When I get to stop points--like waiting for something to boil, then I will sample her creations, help make a playdough cake etc. Be creative! As you do this you will notice that you get bigger windows of self-play. My kids don't like being lonely so they are more likely to play longer if I am near by. Kayla will paint at the table while I do the bills--we are still interacting but each focused on different tasks.

Amy

[Mama2Tristan]

really good point AAK! just yesterday, tristan helped me with dinner. we were making mashed potatoes, so i peeled and cut the potatoes, and he put them in the pot. it was really great because i was at the point where i did not want to play superheroes, but did not want to turn on the tv just because...he had fun too! he was the one that said that he wanted potatoes for dinner too!

[Sweeney]

It's hard isn't it?

DS is a little over two years old and what's been kinda working for us is doing Mama set-up, where I'll start him on an activity and then it morphs into him playing by himself, like we'll put train tracks together and then he's cool pushing his trains around without me for a couple of minutes. I'll make a mini-obstacle course where he has to crawl under the baby swing, jump over a broom, step into a box... and I can nurse the baby on the couch while he does this over and over again.

Or I'm really starting to believe that at his age there isn't a difference between work and play. He loves to help cook, sweep, bring Mama large bottles of water, etc. We've been doing alot of cooking together- I have the Mollie Katzen preschooler's cookbook Pretend Soup and that's been a big help. We have fun together, I can usually sling the baby, and the end result is lunch.

We started a class at the local Waldorf school this past week and getting out for a change of scenery and some social interaction made a big difference for him. Pre-baby we went somewhere fun at least once a week- now he's been stuck in the house for the past month b/c it's too cold to just go outside and I'm too wimpy to go anywhere with him that's not the grocery store. So yeah, for us getting out has really helped so far.

We also have a dog that's obsessed with playing fetch. That dog is the best toy in the world. Whenever we get really bored we can always go play ball with Bastian.

I'm throwing stuff out b/c I'm really interested in hearing what other people do when your toddler wants to play and you have no hands available. Or better yet, what your toddler can do while you pass out on the couch

Does anybody have a good recipe for playdough? That sounds like a really cool idea.