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Panic sets in before DH has to leave

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
I hate that part of the day and I don't know how to deal with it. I downright panic when he gets ready to leave. I love DD, but I just am not good at this. I don't know what to do with us all day long. I can play with her and enjoy doing so, but because she is napping constantly it's hard to really *do* anything or start any sort of project. She naps 3-4 times a day for 1-3 hours. I feel like we get a half hour-to an hour of happy time and the rest of the time she's cranky and upset, trying to fall back to sleep.

She'll nap in her sling if I'm out and about, but never around the house. She always naps on me so I pretty much sit in front of the computer for hours. Moving her to the bed is always a crapshoot and I also just get nervous with her out of my sight. I can't relax because I'm always peeking in every five mintues!

For me, though, the worst part is when she's tired. No matter what I'm doing she has a hard time falling asleep. Rocking, slinging, singing, nursing, offering my pinky, walking, laying in bed. Eventually she'll take to the combo of rocking, singing and pinky, but after much up and down. She's very obviously tired, but just isn't having any of it. I get so tense and anxious during this exchange. I try not to. I try to send off a calm vibe. Even when I am actually calm it's still a struggle and I don't want her to think of sleep as a struggle.

I've tried going to my moms during the day so I can have some sort of support during the long days, but they aren't used to having babies around. Not that they don't *love* DD, they just don't understand that doors need to be shut quietly during nap time, talking really loudly is going to wake her up, etc. They simply forget. I can't fault them because afterall, I'm in their home.

So, I guess I'm just feeling really really frustrated right now. DH is pittering around the house getting ready to leave and I'm about to cry.
post #2 of 15
I just wanted to say I know how you feel. For me Fridays are the worst...DH works from the time DS gets up until the time he goes to sleep. So, I get no help at all on Fridays...I dread them. And DH works 2 jobs and is in college full time...so there isn't a day he's home all day. So...it's like we don't have weekends. DS doesn't nap at all now. And now he's waking up a couple times at night between the time he goes to sleep and the time I do. So, I get nothing done. Yesterday I was able to fold 1/2 a load of laundry and sew one seam on some curtains I'm working on. It's rough.

But, DH often says something that makes me feel better. He says that right now we're building the foundation of our family. Right now, when we have a young child it is really hard and I have no time for myself. But it will get better and we're building a wonderful family. So, when I'm feeling down I try to think that I'm putting in a lot of hard work now, but it is like an investment for greater things....for a beautiful family that will bring us joy for all the rest of our lives. And I think about the good I am doing for DS. I had a really bad childhood, so I want DS to have a great one. So, I think about how I'm helping him have a great childhood and helping him grow into a healthy happy human. And a happy childhood is something that lasts a lifetime. So...that's how I get through it...positive thinking. And when I can't seem to get a positive thought in my head I call someone...usually my mom or dad. They have a way of making me feel better. I also put on music that I enjoy and that helps lighten the mood.

HTH
post #3 of 15
Wanted to add: I know what you mean about people not being quiet when the baby is sleeping. My mom actually believes that you shouldn't be quiet when a baby is sleeping because it will make them always be a light sleeper. She always says, "Well, I wasn't ever quiet when you napped and by the time you were 3 you slept right through the wild parties at my boyfriend's house."
So, to prove her point she has come over unannounced when DS is sleeping in the evening. And she's loud. But us mamas are the ones who have to deal with it when they wake up! Reminds me of when DS was a newborn. My 94 yo great grandmother came to see him. Now, as bad as this sounds...I don't like her. But she sat here and visited while DS napped and kept saying, "if you let him nap he won't sleep at night." DS was like 4 days old. Finally when he woke up all the visitors decided to leave. As my gg walked out the door she said, "Now keep him awake!" I was so mad because I'd sat there and visited with her when I could've been eating or sleeping and then everyone leaves me alone when DS woke up and she tells me that. I almost threw a popsicle at her!

ok...I'm just babbling...just trying to let you know that we all go through it.
post #4 of 15
The tittle of your post reminded me of growing up in my house. My mom suffered from panic disorder for years. I remember when my dad and I would leave for school she was left with my two brothers she would cry uncontrollably, sometimes on the floor. When my brothers went to school it got better, then my sister came and it got much worse. My sister was a needy baby and she cried if you put her down or didn't rock her, she screamed all night unless she was held. My mom would get so mad (me in middlle school,my brothers in elemetary school) if we made a peep. Life was miserable. My mom yelled at my dad he didn't do enough, can I re-state life was no happy in our house. By the time my sister was 2 my mom did nothing but cry when we all left. The best thing to happen was the day my dad signed my sister up for half day day care. During the morning my mom went to a therapist while my sister then 2 went to day care. That day changed my family's lives for the better. Your child will remember mommy crying, my brothers and I do. There is no reason to stay at home if you are unhappy. The half day of care made a WORLD of difference for my mom and my family.
post #5 of 15
Thread Starter 
I have a high needs baby so that definitely contributes to things. Honestly though, I can't imagine putting her in daycare at all. Or with anyone else. It would break my heart and I would be even worse off.

I've tried to see someone about this (therapy wise) and was blown off. I posted about in the PPD section. Another part of my problem is not having any RL friends here. My DH has become my whole social support system and that's not healthy. We're moving in August and I hope that once we do I can make friends and start getting out.

DD and I have been alone now for about 6 hours and it actually has been pretty good today. *whew*! I cried a bit when he left and apologized to her and told her it wasn't her, that I loved her. (she's 5 months old btw)

I think I just need to take things in small incriments. hour by hour, day by day rather than looking at it as a whole and becoming panicked

Thanks you guys for your kind words
post #6 of 15
Your post sounded like my life when ds was a baby. He was very high needs, still is and didn't sleep nearly as much as most babies his age did. We also had just moved to a town where I knew very few people.

Getting out walking every day helpped. He would sleep in the stroller or back pack (I didn't know about slings yet then I wish I had!) and the exsersize helped me cope. It also made a diferance when I let go of the idea of nap times or getting something done while the baby slept. If I needed to do something I would find a way to do it when he was awake. I cleaned house with him in the pack. We took our baths together and so on. When he did sleep, I took a break. When he was cranky I would hold, nurse and rock him but not with the idea of putting him to sleep, just of comforting him. If he slept then he slept, if he continued to cry then he cried (but not cio! I was holding him) I tryed not to let what was happening with him make me feel bad about myself if that makes sence. I found that when it was driving me crazy the most it was because on some level I felt like if I couldn't make him stop crying, couldn't help him to go to sleep that I was a bad mother, a falier. When I was able to let go of that it bacame a lot easier to cope, I stayed calmer and in the end that helped him settle down to.

And it has gotten a lot better as he gets older. He's still high needs but he can tell me what he wants and that makes a world of diferance!
post #7 of 15
I remember days like that when my first child was a baby. It got pretty lonely at times. Here are some of the things I did to make it better:

--I always had a huge stash of books and magazines from the library, so whenever I had a few minutes to myself, I could have a little "me" time
--I tried to fit in some tv shows that I enjoyed every day. I watched a French language teaching program on PBS. I never learned to speak French, but it was so much fun to repeat the phrases aloud! I felt very sophisticated, LOL. I also would watch my favorite Spanish language soap opera every afternoon, or sometimes Oprah or the Baby Story show. I'm not advocating TV all day long, it gets depressing, but I sort of had a little schedule going where I'd watch an enjoyable program in the morning and one in the afternoon.
--I took naps with my baby. It killed time, and I felt better.
--I took the baby for walks in the stroller or in the backpack. We both liked the change of pace.
--I called friends on the phone. We'd just moved and it was long distance, but my sanity was worth it.
--I'd take bubble baths with the baby sometimes, just for something different.
--I'd cook dinner with the baby in the sling or in a bouncy seat on the counter.
--I listened to talk radio shows that I liked. You can listen to talk radio with a baby sleeping on you and do a little crafting or sewing, if you don't mind the inconvenience! Talk radio is also good while you're cooking.

I know that none of the things were real socialization with another person, but it made me feel happy to be learning and hearing about things going on out in the "real world". HTH.
post #8 of 15

Being a new Mom is lonely!

Being a new Mom can be very lonely. I think I hit a crisis point at about 5 months and got really determined to break up the day by having an activity (or the possibility of an activity) almost every day of the week. Somehow, it seems easier to take care of a baby when you're out and about because you're both distracted by other things.

Can you:
find or start a Mom's group?
Go to a weekly book reading at a library or bookstore?
Go to a movie screening for Moms?
Carve out some time for a pedicure, exercise class, or other self-care?
Find a music or swim class to go to with the baby (our local YMCA has a ton of stuff like this)?
Go to a local La Leche League meeting (if you're nursing.. I still go, even when I'm not having issues, and our local chapter has "parenting enrichment" meetings once a month as well that are basically a playgroup)?

It sounds counterintuitive, but I find that I get more stuff done during the day if I'm not at home all day. We typically go to activities in the morning and then I'm reenergized and ready to do laundry or whatever and play with the baby once I'm at home. Then, if the afternoon seems long, I call my Mommy friend who lives in another state and we chat about anything and everything until our husbands come home.

DS is 8 months, and I still sometimes cry when DH leaves for work, especially if he's travelling and will be gone for a few days. The responsibility can be overwhelming, but I also try to remind myself that being someone's Mom can be pretty cool, too.
post #9 of 15
I got a small solution ( I used to get panic big time on Sunday evenings it was so hard! I got an aupair so my SAHM lonliness is gone, have shopping partner, gym workout buddy but enough about me)

Quote:
I downright panic when he gets ready to leave. I love DD, but I just am not good at this. I don't know what to do with us all day long.
Get up with dh get dd dressed have him drop you off somewhere, up the street to pick up a paper, at your mom's, the library, a friend's the mall etc. Then you leave dh not him leaving you.

Quote:
She'll nap in her sling if I'm out and about, but never around the house.
Maybe she's bored at home, needing a little stimulation of seeing new things.

I think if you get a rythym not a schedual but a few things in the day that happen in sequence or at a certain time. Get out and walk, watch the news a soap etc at the same time every day.

Quote:
I've tried going to my moms during the day so I can have some sort of support during the long days, but they aren't used to having babies around. Not that they don't *love* DD, they just don't understand that doors need to be shut quietly during nap time, talking really loudly is going to wake her up, etc. They simply forget. I can't fault them because afterall, I'm in their home.
lol you know you only have one baby when, I have three kids if I could get 10 minutes of quiet in a day never mind during nap time! Why not have dh drop you off in the morning and have your parents drive you home (I am not commenting if you have your own wheels but for a new mama its nice to be able not to have to worrry about if the baby cries while you are driving, etc.)

Quote:
So, I guess I'm just feeling really really frustrated right now. DH is pittering around the house getting ready to leave and I'm about to cry.
Seriously if we remember growing up our mom's would have a friend come over on Fridays or meet a friend at the grocery store, park etc. Plan activities that will get you out tire dd out a bit so she might nap harder and give you a solid 1 hour that you can count on being you time.

Quote:
It sounds counterintuitive, but I find that I get more stuff done during the day if I'm not at home all day.
Totally and the house stays cleaner when you are out!

and when you are really going nuts put on some really cheesy music polkas are great and dance with your dd. Or you could even look into those pull an idea out of a jar of things you could do.

But we have all been there, and there are mamas around you probably next door who are dying to have company, a cup of tea, a laugh or two. Trading afternoons used to be great with my friends we'd go to one house one day another friends the next that mama would serve us tea and get her house stuff done, we watched the kids, she vaccuumed and we all pitched in helped organize, say that skirt isn't you babe

I think you need 'community', a local church ran a book club on Wednesdays for mom's one chapter a week (lol if you were rushed you had an hour coffee time before book club you could read then, it was awesome I miss it now that we've moved!

My baby is a clingy one, who'd have thunk it the first two were so independant, having the mother's helper is great as I can do things while he's there but I don't have to worry about watching every little move. Maybe there's a 14 year old girl in the neighbourhood that would love to come over and play oochie goochi goo while you make dinner. You dont' have to be away from dd just the one who always has to be on.

You dont' need 'real friends' just places to go and have contact, baby and mom groups are great for an hour or so chat while playing with baby and not developing any real close friendships but finding things in common and sharing good conversations.

Its hard with a new babe, its isolating and often depressing personally rewarding as a mom.
post #10 of 15
Milky Way--I think your situation sounds quite extreme. Suggesting that the OP sign up for a half day of day care probably isn't what she is looking for.

As for me, my first dd has special needs. Suffice it to say that I cried a lot after dh went to work each day. She has SID, so to say that she is high needs is an understatement.
But slowly, things got better. And it does take a long time to adjust. There is a learning curve to being a mom and to staying home. We expect the learning curve to happen when we are employed--why don't we think the same curve will apply when we stay home with a new baby? That's something I will never understand. It's hard to do, and takes a while to adjust. I'm not suggesting that you feel this way, or do this--but what I do think is that there is this societal thing that says: oh, you JUST stay home, it's not that hard, get over yourself. But it is hard. It's hard to learn the cues of a baby, it's hard to fit it all in, it's hard to get sleep. But it will get better. It really will.

The things that helped me at first were--reaching out to others by calling them or writing them (letters or emails). At first, it seemed that people were slow to respond, but in time, I was able to cultivate a little group of people that I could associate with. I was able to make some friends with moms who had kids with special needs that were similiar to dd's.
I also attended LLL meetings and later became a LLL leader when ds was born. I don't enjoy going to the library, but I found out about a lot of neat things to do at our library--I actually took a free class on flower arranging--I signed up during the day, and then went one night while dh watched the kids.

When my dd was a new baby, I have to be honest, I did catch up on some movie watching that I had always wanted to do but never had time to do.
Take those opportunities now, because once they are mobile, it's a whole new ball game.

Anyway, hang in there. This time will fly--before you know it they are sitting, crawling and walking. And then you'll wish you had a little time to be bored!
post #11 of 15
Your baby is so young and helpless now...it is scary to have them need us so bad. It is amazing how someone so little can be so demanding!

Hold on...things get so much better once they begin developing their skills, and they can sit up, crawl, then finally walking. The week my youngest mastered walking was a big milestone in our house. It seemed like things got much easier over night!

In the meantime, follow your instincts, and put the baby's needs first. When your dh gets home, you should insist that he takes full responsibility for the baby so that you can have some peaceful time to prepare dinner and do whatever housework you want to do. Even though you will be 'working', you will be able to do it in joyful peace. My dh always thought that he was helping by doing housework...but I finally had to insist that his help was in giving me a break from the demanding baby that I love so much!
post #12 of 15
After I posted, I re-read your post...is it possible that you are suffering from post partum depression?

I think maybe you should call your doctor, and discuss your symptoms. He might be able to further help you.

post #13 of 15
I remember feeling exactly as you felt when my ds was small. Looking back, I do think I had some PPD. But it does get better. DS is 3 now and I have no problems hanging with him all day! But when they are small it is sooo hard, especially if you are isolated. I agree about finding things to do during the day, even if they are small. Going for a walk, going to the store, etc. That always helped me.
post #14 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiloh
You dont' need 'real friends' just places to go and have contact, baby and mom groups are great for an hour or so chat while playing with baby and not developing any real close friendships but finding things in common and sharing good conversations.

Its hard with a new babe, its isolating and often depressing personally rewarding as a mom.

I'm with Alison. All these are great ideas.
post #15 of 15
{{HUGS}} BTDT. I have 4 kids now and those days are long since behind me. But, I do remember what is was like with that first one and how long and lonely the days where. And for me anyways, babies of a certain age are tough. They can't do much and are aware of it. So, they tend to be frusterated a fair amount and it's hard sometimes to know exactly what it is that will make them happy.

Is it possible that she is sleeping too much? I found that when my kids slept on me they slept much longer than they normally would and tended to wake up sweaty and grumpy. Not to mention that I was cramped and sweaty, making for a grumpy Mommy.

If you could find an activity for yourself at least a few days a week you may be able to break-up that nap pattern a little bit and you'd be happier just for being out. It doesn't really have to be something that the baby likes, just something you can bring her to w/out creating a distraction for others (if it's like a book club or something). When the weather is nice, there tend to be areas where young Moms hang out. A park with a walking path or the school track. You get exercise and baby gets fresh air. Plus, you have a fair chance of having someone to talk to. Book stores or the library are good too.

And as someone with a few kids I'll assure you that babies can learn to sleep with noise if it's a part of their daily life. My younger one were likely used to the chaos before they were even born, just from the din outside my belly. LOL
You might find putting a fan or white noise machine in the room helps. Or, a cd player.

I also feel that sometimes kids just need to "be" w/out constant stimulation from you. I have a couple that even now that they are older just need to "be" at least once a day and are overstimulated by too much activity.

Just a few thoughts. Hang in there, it gets easier!
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