children (not familly) that don't get along

[chel]

To what extent do you try to "control" situations with your child's "friends". dd has a history of not getting along with everyone. There's usually 1 child that my child just doesn't do well with while everyone she gets along great with. Many times this is the child of a person I would like to be a good friend with (jealousy, insecurity, I haven't worked out that and would love any insight).
Well the current situation is with a neighbour that is also very involved in a group I'm also very involved in. I try to keep dd away from the other dc but it's hard (same bus stop, same school class) and to make it worse I seem to do many acitivites that the other family are doing. The dc actually sit next to eachother in school and seem to do very well (teacher has better control, neutral ground, who knows?)
I find myself trying to actively avoid the other family in a very casual way. I'm not mad but think it's just better to give the dc some space.

So how does this look to you outsider? Am I making this worse. I think there is now tension between the families. Am I kidding myself to think I can try to avoid a family without it causing tension. More of not carpooling together, but still saying Hi when we see eachother. We're all nice normal people that happen to have strong-personality dc.

[4evermom]

My ds (4.5) definitely has a tendency to want attention if I seem to want to interact with someone else. Maybe the answer would be to get together with these people more, rather than less? It would be courteous to explain to the other mom that you enjoy her company but are unsure of the best way to handle dd acting out and it makes you want to limit contact to avoid the situation.

[freestyler]

When you wrote that this negative stuff usually occurs when it's the child of someone you want to be friends with, it sent up a red flag with "attention-getting behavior" all over it! She is probably acting out to keep you occupied with her, to prevent you from conversing with another adult. Stop being concerned with how she is getting along with those other kids, and don't try to arrange things any special way except whatever comes naturally. Your daughter should not be controlling your relationships through her behavior---I would be careful to stop allowing that!

When her behavior ceases getting any reaction/payoff from you, she'll quit it. She has to learn that there is a whole world of people we can make friends with and be with! Let her start learning to interact with people and let her learn how to deal with the consequences of her own behavior. If she is mean to another kid to get your attention, she would normally have the following consequence: Other kid starts ignoring her, and won't play with her anymore, and Mom continues on with her conversation as if nothing were amiss. Hmmm. Her behavior won't last long, guaranteed.

I have seen other kids doing this exact thing when I'm trying to talk with their moms. Often their moms are blind to what's happening (and I'm guilty of the same thing with my kids sometimes), and sometimes I'll call the kid on it: "Are you trying to keep your mom busy with you so she cannot talk with me?" Usually the child will 1) blush, and 2) knock it off.

[chel]

freestyler
you have a point but the girls get very violent (closed fist hitting, hair pulling, lots of crying, pushing besides a busy street while waiting for the bus) I'm not sure how to ignore it if I could, and I don't think I should and I don't think the other parents would be up for ignoring it either. dd doesn't want to be friends and the natural consequences are what she wants. The current child knows dd is easy to taunt and dd can't just walk away. dd is always up for a good fight. the situation usually ends with me pulling dd of the other dc and the other dc crying.

[mum5]

Well, this thread just caught my eye! I have been going through some of the same things as you have with my dd ( 3) and her friend, specifically just one girl actually. It started just after we had another baby, a year ago, and dd would grab the other girls face, hit, have temper tantrums , no sharing, you got it, pretty has=rsh behaviour. Anyway, we tried to get the girls togethor more, on neutral ground, talking about what is expected of them etc, etc.
So now the situation has arisen where I found out that this other mother has been "talking" to other mothers, asking them if they have a problem with my child.
That is not a great position to be in, and whilst I am sorry that dd hit her girl, I also got mother bearish about it, and we are no longer friends at all.
I am sorry to hijack you thread, but just wanted to give you my story. Not sure at all what you should do, but this is how it turned out for me ((