Getting Less AP?

[wildmonkeys]

My older son is 6 and my younger is 2.5 - IRL I have several AP friends and lately I feel like I don't fit in so well in my approach to parenting my older child.

I am very GD, cloth diapered, used a sling, cosleep etc. and we all pretty much parent our little ones the same, but my older son is becoming very confident and independent and whenever I say something we are doing (signing-up for a 3 day long 3 hours a morning nature camp he thought sounded interesting, letting him try playing soccer, or letting him select whether or not to have us stay at a birthday party I seem to be the only one doing these things) Several times lately a friend has said something to the effect of "oh we aren't ready for that they are only 6" or "I don't think it is good to have sunch young kids busy"

What really has me thinking about this ds is at a very good friends party right now. Her mom made it an option to drop-off if the child is comfortable - he has known the mom, dad, brother, grandparents since he was an infant and when he read on the invitation that he could be dropped off he said that sounded fun. I know all the adults well and know that he will be treated well and his needs will be responded to as quickly as if I were there (the house is also three doors away). I also clarified to him that other parents might stay, but he said that he didn't care he wanted to go by himself (to be quite frank I think he liked the idea of going without his brother who is friends with her younger brother) All of my friends who were there seemed shocked and maybe even disappointed in me (except for the mom who seemed to think it made sense despite the fact that she stayed at dss party a few weeks ago because her dd didn't want to be left...that also made sense to me since I wouldn't leave ds if he wanted me to stay)

Has this happened to anybody else? I continue to have an AP stand on most things and want to be responsive to his needs and fears, but also to his new confidence. I am starting to feel a bit like an weirdo in my little crunchy circle.

BJ
Barney & Ben

[sunnmama]

I've not had this experience (because my dd's personality is different from your ds--and she is younger), but I say you ***are*** being ap because you are connected to your son and you are following his lead. You are respecting his wishes, trusting him, allowing him to build relationships with other trusted adults.

Other families will make different choices. But that is fine! If you and ds are happy with your choice, then that is really all that matters.

[DoubleOven]

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[kewb]

I think you are doing fine. I don't like dropping off my almost 8 year & 5 year old because of my issues, not theirs. Even when I know they will be fine and are moe than okay I feel the tug of "these are my babies how can I leave them." I try daily to overcome that.

[tinybutterfly]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

I've not had this experience (because my dd's personality is different from your ds--and she is younger), but I say you ***are*** being ap because you are connected to your son and you are following his lead. You are respecting his wishes, trusting him, allowing him to build relationships with other trusted adults.

Other families will make different choices. But that is fine! If you and ds are happy with your choice, then that is really all that matters.

I agree that you are being AP by listening to your son and his wants and needs.

My older son was ready for time away from by 4 yrs. old. He started spending the night at my IL's around 6 yrs. old and we lived an hour away from them then.

My younger son was okay with time away around 5, but at 11 is just now ready to enjoy a week-end with my IL's. He tried it last year at his brother's encouraging and just wasn't comfortable yet.

Each child is different and as they get older, you still watch them and try to take your cues from them.

Your friends may be missing cues from their children, and deciding based on THEIR ( the parents) time table when it is appropriate or not to leave their child. Or maybe their children aren't ready, but yours is ready. And he told you he was!

[sophiesue2]

But isn't this what AP is supposed to do for our kids? Make them securely attached, and therefore confident to try new things? Sounds to me like you're being a very "successful" AP parent.

[Anglyn]

I agree, it IS AP and the whole point is for the child to become more confidant and you are listening to his needs. I was NOT ready when ds1 wanted to do such things as be dropped at best buy why we were a few doors down at home depot, but he has a cellphone to call us on and it was only about 15-20min. and he was 13 at the time. Most of my friends had been letting thier kids go to the mall/movies/skating etc. unaccompanied by an adult for years already. I think it was more *my* issue not to want to let him go. Heck, I know it was, I have serious issues related to things that happened to me as a child when I was unattended by a caring adult.

He's nearly 15 now and I have no problems dropping him off at school dances, football games etc. I guess I have become more confidant as Ive seen that he really can handle it. Of course he's nearly 15 too.

I also find that Im a bit more relaxed with dd and ds2 than I was with ds1 so I think it was me. But still, I just follow thier leads. DD is nearly three and she doesnt run to hug grandma, because she's shy like that. Doesnt matter than ds2, at one,runs to hug her, we never push dd to do so. Ds1 spent time (an hour or so at a time) with grandparents around eighteen months, spent the night probally around three and half and in kindergarten starting staying over at his bestfriends house for overnights. I was a nervous wreck the first time, he was fine. I have seen kids be ready younger than my ds, one of my friends sons was fine spending the night with us from about age three. And Ive seen them ready later, first time ds's bestfriend stayed overnight with us, I had to take him home in the middle of the night, which was perfectly fine with me.

I guess Im just trying to say what everyone else already said which is, youre doing a great job listening to and responding to your childs ques!! Keep up the good work!

[maya44]

Personally I think they are jealous that your son is so confident and independant.

The whole point of AP is not to rush your child into these things, but of course this is what everyone eventually wants for their child. But your child was 'ready' for these things and good for him being so happy, secure AND attached!

[USAmma]

You are not a weirdo at all. I know several AP moms who have different types of situations with their older kids. Some send them to preschool or to programs that take a few hours. Some feel that their kids are not ready yet. It's all about listening to their cues and if he's ready and you are ready, why not?

[phathui5]

I'm not seeing where you're being less AP. You said the party was dropping off if the child is comfortable. The non-AP thing would have been dropping off an unhappy child who didn't want to be left there. I don't see anything wrong with an older child doing things they enjoy on their own.

[btlsmum]

My honest opinion is that some parents just need an excuse to overprotect their children and perhaps for your friends AP is that excuse. Or perhaps they honestly believe that AP=not allowing your children autonomy. Either way, I think you were spot on.

I'm not blaming AP for anything, just saying that if they allow themselves that the tennents of AP call for hindering natural development then they don't have to accept responsibility for their choices.

[abclan]

Isn't nice to have trust in yourself and your child? s

There is such a difference between being AP and an "helicopter mom". You know, the kind of mom that incessantly hovers and intervenes for the child.

Frankly, I am getting weary of the moms in my circle who helicopter their kids. The kids seem more tuned into their mom's issues than is right.

Let's celebrate attached confident kids! Isn't that why we AP in the first place?

Maybe it's time to seek out a wider circle of friends . . .

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by phathui5

I'm not seeing where you're being less AP. You said the party was dropping off if the child is comfortable. The non-AP thing would have been dropping off an unhappy child who didn't want to be left there. I don't see anything wrong with an older child doing things they enjoy on their own.

Exactly how I feel.