Girls and *being pretty*, inevitable or avoidable?

[ilex]

My dd is 4.5 and in the circles I have travelled in she is not the typical four year old girl. She loves animals and rocks and bugs, is fascinated with the solar system and sings Willy Nelson songs. She has never been one to care about her appearance, clothes, dolls, princesses or looking pretty. She couldn't care less about what she wears as long as it is comfortable and doesn't have a zipper or a tag Last halloween every single girl we know was a princess, she was an elephant. She is who she is and it has never even occured to her that her difference is something to change to get with the status quo. And I absolutely adore this about her. I try to make her environment one where being pretty is not an issue and we talk about beauty in very spiritual ways.

So...we have moved, and we are now close to my sister who has a little girl the exact same age. They get along very well for the most part, but her cousin is the exact opposite when it comes to their interests and concerns. She started in the montessori preschool and unfortunately there are some girls there who are obsessed with looking pretty and sort of pick on my niece. So she has suddenly developed this obsession with looking very pretty all the time, wearing the right clothes, and completely absorbed by all the princess crap that is everywhere. She said the other day that she isn't pretty enough because she wasn't wearing the right dress and she was having a breakdown because of it. She must wear dresses and she has to have the typical pretty accessories and if she isn't dressed this way she won't go out. This is from a four year old. And it freaks the hell out of me. First because to me this is just a terrible focus and a huge concern, and second because my dd spends quite a bit of time with her and I am so worried it is going to rub off. I really don't know what to do about it. She is my niece and it is not like I can just cut off contact with them, we HAVE been hanging around with them less because of this and because of some other factors that are not so healthy for my dd to be around, but now we are living here. It hasn't seemed to surface between them yet and doesn't seem to in their play whatsoever, but I am just waiting for the day...I homeschool my dd so there may be some difference there just in terms of what they are each being exposed to, but can I avoid this becoming a concern or focus for my dd? It really drives me crazy how this society focuses so much on girls being pretty and behaving pretty and being concerned about pretty. And I would like to keep this out of my dd's life as long as possible, but now I am concerned. I think the difference here from her other girl friends is that she has much more of an emotional tie to her cousin and because of this I think she will internalize it a bit more if it comes up. But hopefully not.

So when the issue of being pretty comes up how do you deal with it?

[kewb]

My experience with it is a little different. My dd, fom the ages of 2-5 refused to wear anything that was not a dress or a skirt. I have no idea where it came from. I rarely wear girly-girl clothes. She loves girly-girl clothes, make-up & nail polish-all things I am the exact oppisite of. On the flip side of that, even though she was dressed up she was still out there running,climbing & getting down in the dirt. It used to upset me that she seemed obsessed with these things but then I realized this is who she is.

Unlike your niece, she has not ever felt not pretty enough, or had to have the right dress. It sounds as though your niece is not in a positive environment.

With my dd I always strive to emphasize beauty comes from within. That being beautiful on the inside (the best person you can be, a good friend, etc) is what makes you beautiful. We also emphasize brains over the physical, at least we try too.

[4evermom]

I have two nieces who are sisters. One is of the tagless clothing ilk, the other loves anything fancy. They have had more minimal exposure than most girls to the "pretty" girl pressure (homeschooled, etc). They just seem to have come the way that they have come. However, it seems that there is something more going on with your niece. She is dealing with peer pressure at school and insecurity, which in a different environment would probably manifest itself in other ways than clothes .

[ilex]

Thank you for your replies. I agree that my niece is very insecure, she has had these issues for a very long time, as long as I can remember. She was always worried before that no one loved her, and that everyone was mad at her, probably around the age of two it started to manifest. Now it seems full blown and I am sure she is looking to her peers for the validation and security that she seems to be lacking. She is also incredibly competitive, everything is a contest, which I have had huge issues with since we have been here, and also the us against them scenario (the girls against the parents) which my dd thinks is ridiculous but funny too. I don't think it is so funny. My sister seems to think this is all normal and natural, except is upset about her being so concerned about being pretty and looking a certain way. I do understand where it is coming from on some levels but she was raised in a very ap home, still breastfeeds, co-sleeps, but is very insecure about leaving her mom. There are many issues, yes.

It is true that with the other girl friends my daughter has they enjoy dressing up and wearing fancy clothes etc but there has never been this fascination with the princesses and being pretty as a rule. So it concerned me that my dd was around this so much. But I do agree that if she is stable and secure and confidant, even if this is around her it doesn't necessitate that she will take on the traits of her cousin, as obviously this is based in insecurity and an unhealthy environment. Thank you for helping me see that.

[Kristine233]

I think it depends on the child. My oldest is a tom boy and couldnt care less if I brushed her hair in the morning (of course I do!). Jeans and t-shirs are her fave. My youngest is the opposite. She LOVES dresses and doing her hair. She says she looks like a princess. I raised them the same. The only thing I can figure is just thier personalities are so different.

[sunnysideup]

I agree with the PP that have said some kids are just naturally more interested in playing more stereotypical "girly" games. After parenting four kids I think it has very little to do with the parent. I have 1 daughter that was a princess from ages 2-6, and my other dd didn't care much at all about dresses. Whatever the case, I think it is important that the child's likes and dislikes are respected. I would run fast from a preschool where kids were teasing each other . But I wouldn't worry that your neice's desire to wear dresses and "pretty" things will rub off on your dd.

[angela&avery]

Originally Posted by kewb

My experience with it is a little different. My dd, fom the ages of 2-5 refused to wear anything that was not a dress or a skirt. I have no idea where it came from. I rarely wear girly-girl clothes. She loves girly-girl clothes, make-up & nail polish-all things I am the exact oppisite of. On the flip side of that, even though she was dressed up she was still out there running,climbing & getting down in the dirt. It used to upset me that she seemed obsessed with these things but then I realized this is who she is.

Unlike your niece, she has not ever felt not pretty enough, or had to have the right dress. It sounds as though your niece is not in a positive environment.

.

my two year old is like this. also, she is naturally drawn to her babies and her tea set. She loves shirly temple and dancing. She also loves to swim, sled, play in the snow, climb and play outside, play with trains, cars adn monster trucks with her big brother, glue, paint, draw, "write letters".... play playdoh...

i think its all in teh big picture. My dd likes to dress up in her dress up clothes and shoes and pretend to do her hair and make up (i wear very little.... foundation and a little blush) nailpolish (again rarely i wear it, my ds wore some black nail polish to be a rock star at school). she is who she is, i think , regardless of outside influences. sometimes she wears her brothers sneakers around the house instead of dress up shoes.

on some days, people may think she is all girl, on others a tomboy....

I think your dd will be who she is despite this other girl, especially if you allow her to experiment with the girly stuff without judgement. She is homeschooled, has less influence and is with you most of the time. I think girls emulate the woman they are around the most, their mothers.

[bookwitch]

My daughter, 3.5, can be very prissy and obsessed with being pretty, and she definitely has the princess virus. At the same time she throws a fit if I try to braid her hair or even pull it into a simple ponytail. *shrug*

Some of my prissy problem is due to the m-i-l. My husband's sister is the butchest straight girl I have ever met in my life, and my husband tells me that his mother is determined to "correct" her "mistakes" with her own daughter, through my daughter.

I think some of it is inevitable, but how much of a hold it takes depends on your daughter's individual makeup, too. (As I said, my daughter is prissy and obsessed with princesses, but won't let me touch her hair.) The most I can do is to try to help her feel as confident as she can about who she is.

[CaraboosMama]

Originally Posted by kewb

She loves girly-girl clothes, make-up & nail polish-all things I am the exact oppisite of. On the flip side of that, even though she was dressed up she was still out there running,climbing & getting down in the dirt. It used to upset me that she seemed obsessed with these things but then I realized this is who she is. .

That seems to be a huge piece of the whole "girly" issue. My dd is 21 mths & loves anything sparkly, shiny, princess, etc...but also loves to play in the dirt, play w/ her trains & trucks, etc. When I was teaching, it used to frustrate me when well meaning parents refused to let their girls wear anything remotely girly....PINK IS NOT THE PROBLEM!!

The problem is that so many girls after age 15 start to decline in self-esteem and self-confidence and become consumed with the opinions of others. Girls start dieting earlier and earlier. Imo - this has way more to do with media exposure than with wearing girly clothes!! For a child who hasn't gone through puberty yet - the girly stuff is just trying on that role - the same way she might try on a cowgirl outfit, etc. I believe if you encourage her to be who she is & pay attention to her stress levels (i.e. is she changing her behaviour to please someone else like the OP mentioned) she will be fine.

A fantastic book that deals with this is "Things will be different for my Daughter" by Mindy Bingham....highly recommend for anyone w/ a daughter.

[DoubleOven]

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[2Sweeties1Angel]

I didn't read the other replies so this may be a repeat but probably not.

What's so wrong with wanting to be pretty? I can understand your concern if it becomes an obsession, but otherwise what's the problem? I like to put on make-up and fix my hair if I go out--I have for a long time. I like to make myself look nice and There's nothing wrong with that. I don't care if my daughter wants to wear make-up when she's older. Hell, I don't care if my son wants to wear make-up when he's older because it's just make-up, it's not who we are. It's the same with dresses or "princess" things. As long as you continue to emphasize (sp?) that true beauty comes from within but there's nothing wrong with trying to make the outside match, your daughter should turn out fine.

[ilex]

I guess my issue is more to do with the having to be pretty, feeling like beauty is in the way you look and not what you do or who you are. And having such a high focus on this. I don't have any problems whatsoever with her dressing up or being a princess etc... (that I let on anyway ) It was just the obsession with having to look a certain way and the "if I'm not wearing the right clothes and looking *pretty* then I don't feel okay" attitude that was happening around my dd. I would never judge or criticize my dd if all of a sudden she really took to dressing up in dressy clothes and suddenly loved everything princess, but I would worry if all of a sudden she HAD to look *pretty* all the time. Of course she needs to experiment, and I think this some of this is completely and totally natural. It just really freaks me out when a four year old is worried about being pretty.

Thanks for all your posts again.

[sunnysideup]

Originally Posted by bellasmum

It just really freaks me out when a four year old is worried about being pretty.

For some kids "pretty" is a word that means fancy, frilly, sparkley, etc.

Originally Posted by CaraboosMama

the girly stuff is just trying on that role - the same way she might try on a cowgirl outfit, etc.

[ilex]

For some kids it does, of course. But for my niece it is an issue of looking a certain way so thst she will be accepted and loved. Very different than just liking something because they are attracted to it. Obviously the *prettiness* of something isn't the issue in my niece's case, it is clinging to the idea that this sense of beauty is what makes you lovable.

[KaraBoo]

I agree that it's nothing to be worried about. If you take the mindset that if she likes dresses, then she can't like bugs/dirt, THEN you may need to be worried. Girls can wear dresses and still enjoy their other interests. Some little girls like the feel of dresses, the swish noise or how it frills or the bows or the color or the sparkles...

If you feel your niece dresses a certain way to feel loved, she must have gotten that impression from SOMEwhere. Her parents?

My daughter is 7. She LOVES dresses as long as they are comfortable. She likes bright colors like pink, teal and lavender. Her best friend likes jeans and sneakers. I am noticing something disturbing about her bf's mom and dad, however. They call their dd a tomboy and actively work to make her more "girly," meaning they ask her to look at how my dd dresses and acts. If the girl expresses an interest in something my dd wears, the mom will rush out and buy it because she wants her dd to be as "girly" as my dd.

My theory: by not allowing children to be all of the things they naturally are, which may be contradictory, by forcing them to complete some role the parents have in their head, we are in fact helping them to play that role. And they may be stuck in it for the rest of their lives.