What to do when you want to homeschool and your child does not?

[storeimy]

I've decided I think we'd be better off homeschooling. My DD is 8 and in the second grade. She's very bright, sensitive, funny. I feel public school is contributing to her recent lack of self esteem. She's had some of the normal fair weather friend issues and some of it seems to have really gotten to her. She's bored and uninterested in school and the only class she really enjoys is art. However, she doesn't want to be homeschooled and when I ask why, her answer is because she likes teachers, and kids, and chalkboards, and recess, and friends. *sigh* I feel so strongly (and myself coming from a Waldorf background) that she isn't getting the nurturing and stimulation she so desperately needs at this age. She's just starting to come into her own and mature a bit and I want to be the one to help her along and teach her to be all she can be, I simply don't trust the schools to do it for me and I'm deeply regretting even letting her start school. I admittedly gave in to family pressure (aunts who are public school teachers and a husband who was unsure of HSing but now has changed his tune).

How would you handle this? I also have an almost five year old who wants to be homeschooled so I will do so for sure and my youngest I won't even put in the public school system (she's only 14 mos). I want to respect Hannah's thoughts and opinions but should I enforce my will on her? I'm so torn.

Any help or BTDT would be greatly appreciated.

[3momkmb]

this might be the minority view on this board but I would pull her. IMO at this age they get input, but they don't get the final say. I would address her feelings about what she'll miss about school and work to make homeschooling a happy and fulfilling experience for her but *I* would definitely homeschool her.

It sounds like she fears that homeschooling would be isolating, it certainly doesn't have to be. If she wants teachers and kids, sign her up for a coop class. Find a local homeschool group that holds park days (most do) so she can still play with other kids (recess). She will still have friends. Let her take a real art course, it will be much more interesting then the one at school!

Just my 2c though!

[SagMom]

When we started homeschooling, my second child was in ps Kindergarten. She wanted to stay in school, at least until the end of that year. We let her choose. I think she just wanted to see what the entire course of a school year looked like, plus, kids were talking about field trips and parties, field day and all that.

What happened, is that she saw what her older brother was able to do -- or, rather, she heard about it. And I think she ended up comparing his days to hers, which were, of course, very regulated. By the time the end of K came, she was telling everyone that she was going to be homeschooled the next year. She's 11 now and says she's never going back to school. I'm glad that we handled it this way, because respecting her wishes is important to me, AND because she came to the conclusion herself that she wanted homeschooling. I didn't want homeschooling to be started on a negative, yk?

You could, as 3momkmb said, let her know that there are classes she could take, there are friends to be made, homeschool groups and activities, etc. See if that would satisfy her concerns. Maybe contact a local homeschooling group and join in an activity or meeting while your dd is on vacation from school, or take your own vacation from school to do this. She could also keep in contact with her friends from school, and make playdates with them, right? It might be hard for her to choose homeschool if she's thinking it will be just like school, only solitary, yk?

[Lillian J]

Not having been there, I can't really say what I'd do, but I think I'd just let her be, and make sure there are enjoyable things going on from the time she gets home everyday. Some people think in terms of building memories - which could take the form of a early afternoon "tea for two" and snacks together, nice crafts, relaxed conversation, games, weekend outings - special time together...

But who knows, by spring she could start to feel differently, and a nice summer could have an influence. Second grade is pretty undemanding - things could change as time goes on. And she'll be hearing things about what you're doing out and about with her brother, so that could end up being tantalizing.

I can certainly understand her point of view - there's a lot going on at school, and things are geared to her age rather than being affected by the needs of younger children. You might start checking out local support groups right now with your son to scout them out and see if there's enough life there and opportunities for friendships for her - and then take her along during the spring break and in the summertime to see what happens, or get together with some other families. I'd hope she wouldn't agree to homeschool just to make you happy, though - that doesn't usually work. I've seen a few kids who were homeschooling reluctantly because their moms thought it would be good for them, and it wasn't a positive thing at all!

If she were to be home missing all the commotion at school and wondering what's going on there, that could be awful for her. Some people feel somewhat depleted by groups of people, while others feel energized. I lived out in the country for many years, and now I'm living in the middle of a city - and I feel SO much more alive. I have to get out into nature regularly, but I love coming home too. It could be that you and your daughter have different ways of orienting to the outside world; and if you're not really particularly interested in getting out with her a lot to be part of things out there, it might not work out so well. Just some things to think about... Lillian

[Lillian J]

Looks like Joan and I were simultaneously typing pretty much the same thing! GMTA, y'know! Lillian

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by Joan

It might be hard for her to choose homeschool if she's thinking it will be just like school, only solitary, yk?

This is really an interesting thought - it hasn't occurred to me, but she really doesn't know what homeschooling would be like; and she may very well imagine sitting at the table much of the day while Mom teaches her - a mini version of school.

It's not at all uncommon for children to not like the idea of a parent taking on the role of "teacher." My parents had their virtues, but I sure wouldn't have liked the idea of either of them deciding to be my teacher. I would have hated it. And that gets into my rant on subject of children being acutely aware of what parents are doing when they take on that role. They're so much more aware of us than we like to realize. I remember one more outspoken boy telling his newly homeschooling mom, "This happens all the time! You get on the phone and find out what other homeschoolers are doing and then you turn around you make me do it!" They see our fumbles, our experiments, our weaknesses, our foibles, our ego trips, our sincere efforts, our loving support - they see it all. But they're usually stuck with having to go along with us even when they can clearly see the error in our thinking - because they love us and want to please us, or want to keep the peace, or because they're afraid to make waves. We sometimes have the impression there's a magical filter around us through which they can't really see, but it just doesn't work that way.

Just a little side rant - doesn't necessarily have to do with the question posted here ... What can I say - I just have to blurt out these back burner musings now and then. Lillian

[4evermom]

Maybe if she knows that there are homeschool groups and she will be able to get together with groups of kids regularly, she will feel more reassured about homeschooling. Also, all the school work that needs to be done can take only an hour.

I would probably let her see the year thru and do fun homeschool excursions with the younger dc and try to incorporate her into social homeschool things over the summer. Just as Joan said about her kids comparing days, it sure worked to make me want to go to the same school as my siblings rather than where all my friends were going. (my older brothers went to a nice Montessori school with monthly field trips. I asked to go to the parochial school because that's where my friends were going. I appreciate that my parents let me make that mistake )

[Citymomx3]

My dd sounds exactly like that. When she was 8 she was totally uninterested in school and I knew homeschooling would suit her so much better. She was unsure and told me she liked school. I explained what homeschooling was, what we'd be doing, and what our days would be like. Then I left the ball in her court by telling her to let me know when she's ready to do that. After 2 weeks she brought it up to me. I wanted her to be very sure and after another 2 weeks she told she was ready to start homeschooling. That was on a Tuesday, her last day was Friday.

I found that giving her the info and letting her think about it for a while was a key factor in her appreciation for it now. She knows this is something she chose to do as opposed to something *I* made her do, so I believe she's much more into homeschooling (taking it seriously) than a child who had no choices in the matter. She gives me no stress, is open to my suggestions, and utilizes her time very productively - oh, and after a year, has no desire to go back to school. It's a big, life-changing decision and I feel it's better to take time and all be on the same page about it before you take on this challenge.

JHMO.

[Citymomx3]

nt

[It's me!]

My 2 cents...

Okay, this is what I would do, possibly...not being in your position but thinking of what I would do if I were.

I'd either make a deal with her to finish this school year, try homeschool next year and then let her choose whether she goes back or not the following year OR take her out now, try homeschool and then let her decide whether or not she wants to go back next year. This would be hard for me because I'd want the best education and if you feel for you it is homeschooling, it would be hard to give her the "right" to go back,,,,but you don't want her to feel "weird" or "left out" either.

Just make sure that when you do homeschool her, you give her the shortest instruction time possible for her age, take her to lots of things with other homeschool kids and let her do activities that OBVIOUSLY wouldn't be available to her if she was in reg. school. I'd want to do the hard sell so she wouldn't WANT to go back! LOL Let her see that she wouldn't be missing recess and friends, she'd still have friends and LONGER recesses! LOL My son is in 2nd grade this year and our longest days (just the curriculum, not including extra activities) is 3 hours...and that is only on catchup days where we actually get almost 2 full days of curriculum done. Depending on his attitude, I can get a regular days work done in 1.5 to 2 hours!

Let us know what you decide to do.

[chaos_pie]

When the topic of hs came into our family (my idea, ps was BAD), I found a graph of someone's homeschool day. I showed it to ds. I pointed out, on this graph all the work could EASILY be done before lunch. I found some hs activites (fencing!) and discussed he could do that. We knew another hs family, and we talked about hanging out with them. After all of these things (but especially only having to potentially do "school" for a short period of time and the rest of his day was fun time) he was sold!

[phathui5]

Education at our house is one of the things where our kids get to have input and then we decide. I personally would not have my kids in a traditional government school because I think that it is harmful. It's not just the lesser of several choices to me; I think that it is damaging.

I have friends who are public school teachers and they tell me that because of the way they have to run the classroom, children in the elementary grades start the year out fresh and ready to learn and then school "sucks the life out of them." I don't believe that my kids are able to understand that concept, that it can take their curiosity and love of learning away.

[guest^]

ACK!! I JUST HAD TO RESPOND!!

I WILL JUST SHARE OUR EXPERIENCES......

DD HAS ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SCHOOLED. WEW STARTED HSING HER IN K.

THIS PAST FALL, I WAS RECOVERING FROM A HYSTERECTOMY, AND EMOTIONALLY HAVING A *VERY* BAD TIME. SO I PUT DD IN OUR CATHOLIC SCHOOL-ONE MONTH LATER THAN SCHOOL STARTED.

THEN, AFTER A MONTH, I STARTED TO SEE FROM HER WORK(ALL 100%'S) THAT SHE WASN'T BEING CHALLENGED.

HER READING CHOICES BECAME WHAT I CALL "FLUFF".

THEN *EVERYTHING* WAS ALL ABOUT THE SOCIAL LIFE OF EVERY KID IN SCHOOL K-6!! I ASKED ABOUT SKIPPING A GRADE, BUT THE PRINCIPAL WAS FIRM ABOUT NOT DOING SO, AS SHE FELT EMOTIONALLY IT NEVER WORKS OUT.

SO, AFTER A WHOLE 3 MONTHS IN SCHOOL, AND AGAINST WHAT DD WANTED, WE PULLED HER BACK TO BE HSED. I STILL LOOSE SLEEP OVER IT NOW AND AGAIN. WE LIVE WITHIN THE SAME BLOCK AS SCHOOL, SO IT REALLY CAN BE CHALLENGING.

I GUESS ONE COULD CALL ME A "TEACHER'S NIGHTMARE". EVERYTHING DD BROUGHT HOME IN HER WEEKLY PACKET(NEVER HOMEWORK!) I QUESTIONED THE TEACHER ABOUT! WHY DIDN'T SHE CORRECT DD OVER THIS OR THAT,ETC...

DH FELT SHE WAS NOT BEING CHALLENGED ENOUGH OR ABLE TO WORK AT HER OWN PACE. (She woould be the first to get her math done, and do simple math games to fill the time.)

After Christmas break, I told her we thought she should be hsed again. I felt stronger. And after seeing the turtle pace the school was going, I was ready to approach hsing much more relaxed!

We are involved in our HSing group. She has neighborhood friends. She has friends from LL.

IN our school district, she can take any class she wants. Next year, I am going to put her into our public school for art and music.



Ummm......did I mention that we also wanted her to have a better sense of herself and our family's(?) values before we send her to the tiger scene???

mp

[storeimy]

*whew* Life is hectic and I'm just now able to read and respond.

First, thank you all so much for your responses and insights, they are all incredibly helpful. Lillian, you had some great points about how perceptive our children are as far as we as the adults go. I've been trying to give Hannah some examples of how our day could be structured and I've stressed that we'd have lots of time to explore the local museums, focus more on the things that are really of interest to her, and have more time for creativity. I definitely don't want her thinking it'll be she and I working at the table all day. The interesting thing to me is that one of her very big concerns regarding HSing is that she won't be on par with the other children if she decided to one day go back to school. The thought of somehow being behind scares her and she asked if we could really work on math alot. I tried to explain that though our days would have a very different feel, that we would still be up to date if that was important to her. I think she would do better with some structure.

Anyway, I agree with those that said having her agree to it to please me would not be the way to go and create a negative environment from the start. I want her to *want* to HS! I'm on the email list for our local HS group and plan to start taking her younger sister to some activites and hopefully that will pique her interest a bit. I also like the idea of having a loving and positive environment waiting for her when she gets home. I try to nurture and love her as much as she'll allow at this age but with two younger sisters, it can be tough.

I also agree with Citymom in that I may very well process and relate to the world differently than she does. She is extremely social and seems to thrive on that where as I tend to be more of a homebody, though I like to socialize as well, but don't need it to sustain me. Interesting point. I'll have to really stress the fact that she can still participate in activities of her choosing and have plydates with her friends (and she has many!)

I still feel torn with wanting so badly to do what I think is right vs. respecting her desires for her life. But I do, to some extent, feel that public school is damaging to her and therein lies the problem.

It certainly helps to talk it out though and for that I'm thankful for sure.

I'll keep you posted.

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by storeimy

The interesting thing to me is that one of her very big concerns regarding HSing is that she won't be on par with the other children if she decided to one day go back to school. The thought of somehow being behind scares her and she asked if we could really work on math alot. I tried to explain that though our days would have a very different feel, that we would still be up to date if that was important to her. I think she would do better with some structure.

Aw... I guess she thinks school is where real learning happens. You might mention to her that homeschoolers' test scores are generally high. They get a lot more personal attention when they need it; they can learn in their own personal styles; they can use much better learning materials. Article: An "A" for Homeschooling

She could probably use some fun in her math life - that might even help those concerns more than more structure. Articles:
Delights...
Travel Excursion of the Mind
- and some reassurance: Just Do the Math!

But I'm already proposing ideas for homeschooling, and you haven't really determined yet whether it would even be the best idea for her. Best wishes with that process. - Lillian

[storeimy]

Thanks for the links Lillian! I'll show her these tonight. She does believe that school is where the real learning happens because that's all she knows. What I'm trying to do is to get her to understand that learning isn't a strict, regimented process but rather there are opportunities to learn all around us.

[SRHS]

A little later...

Hi...I'm a little late, but just wanted to let you know, I have a ds 9 always homeschooled and mostly unschooled and he wanted to go to PS this year..or work on it until next year and then go...We (DH and I) said, Sorry, not an option in this family. But what is it about school that is so enticing? And tried to meet those needs with our HS groups and activities. Basically our ds wanted more independence (in ps??? HA!!! If he ONLY KNEW!!!) and social interaction. So we started taking more classes with the HS group and doing more of the clubs offered. This seems to be a seasonal thing inour house. In the winter the group I like all hibernates, then in hte spring, summer and fall we have more than enough to do. I have finally learned this after the second year of htis....so I'm a little slow.

The way we explained it to him was that just like his diet (feingold) and other things we did because we felt it was what was the healthiest choice for our family or for him, we had decided that he and his brother are not going to "school" and we would homeschool until they were old enough to choose to go to college, get a job, or distance learn college level classes. But, that if he had a need or want that was not being fulfilled, we'd discuss it and try to meet it another way, outside of instiutional schools.

Just like I wouldn't let him eat McDonald's all day everyday because I don't believe it is healthy, I"m not letting him go to school because I don't believe it is healthy...especially for him. I'm sure he has a grass is always greener view and maybe your DD has a "Oh my, but things are safe and comfortable they way they are, I'm afraid to change this..." view.

Hope that helps...Sus

[Citymomx3]

I think if my kids hadn't been in school already I probably would tell the same thing, Sus. But my dd is in 7th grade now and has been in school since preK. I didn't know anything about homeschooling until a few years ago. After so much research, I am really hating everything about school and would love for her to be home. Her grades are slipping and her attitude sucks lately. She is adamant about not being homeschooled. I guess I'm in the same situation as the original poster.

With my 9 y/o, she was more than happy to agree to homeschooling. I've tried the same approach with dd12, and it's just not working. She loves school (for the social crap) and I just can't force her to do what I want. She'd be so resentful, I know it. I have explained how many wonderful things she could be doing with her days (we're in NYC, for Pete's sake, what's not to do?!). But she told me she "just can't wrap her head around the whole homeschooling thing". I understand that since school is all she knows. She doesn't really get to see the things her sister does. High school is just around the corner and even though I was originally happy about all our choices, after researching every one that looked good, I am not happy with any. UGH! What can I say to help her see that homeschooling is better?

(I hope you don't mind my hijacking the thread with my own situation, storeimy )

[ErikaDP]

Hi Storeimy,

I have a son who was being HS(btw, we are unschoolers) and he wanted to go to the second grade a few years ago at our local public school. We all agreed that he could go and that we would support him in his choice. But we also said to him that going to school at his age meant that it was more of a family decision than if he were older, so we would all have a say about if he would continue to attend the following year.
Well the beginning of school for my son was a great adventure. He made some new friends, didn't mind the classroom setup and the school work was interesting to him. I would say that this feeling of it being an good choice for him lasted about 6 weeks. Then the newness of his being in the class(and in school)wore off for most of his classmates. They began to question him almost daily about why he hadn't gone to school before and if he thought that he was better than them because of it(I think that a lot of the reason why he was given such a hard time is because he played with everyone at recess. Girls, younger kids, etc).
And at this time, I also began to notice little changes in his personality and how hard it was for him to conform to the way many of his classmates acted and treated each other(the birthday party gauntlet was ridiculous. Many children, some of whom had been with the same kids since preschool, were excluded from parties for one reason or another). We also didn't like how much time and energy it took just to do homework(much of which was just very boring, already mastered busy work). By holiday break, we all agreed that it was not working for our family but my son wanted to finish out the school year. So after much discussion, we all agreed to let him continue. And he came home again after that year.
That was five years ago and we have no regrets about making the decision as a family to let him attend school or to withdrawal him from school after such a short time.
The greastest thing about our experience is that he feels that we honored his choice of wanting to go to school and that we supported him in his choice. He also has maintained a few good friendships and some great memories from his year in school.
I know that our situation was a bit different than yours, but my best advice for you is to sit down as a family and talk about how you all will be impacted by the decision and set up some guidelines about how you will as a family make the choice. Good luck.

Take Care,
Erika :

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by storeimy

Thanks for the links Lillian! I'll show her these tonight. She does believe that school is where the real learning happens because that's all she knows. What I'm trying to do is to get her to understand that learning isn't a strict, regimented process but rather there are opportunities to learn all around us.

Well, I hope she doesn't get freaked out by the article's description of that extreme-school-at-home family. They've been known to go from 9 a.m. to 4:30? Whew! Of course there are eight of them, so maybe that includes a lot of activities other than just hitting the books and curriculum. But that paints a picture of the way a lot of reporters who are open to the idea of homeschooling would like to think it's done. Funny thing is that I've heard people discuss how frustrating it is to try to deal with reporters who come out and want to get pictures of them "homeschooling" that look like what the reporters are picturing - mom sitting at the kitchen table directing the kids through textbooks and that kind of thing... But that reporter struck it rich! Lillian