complexity of bein' bi and monogamous by choice

[jennlindsey]

hey mamas,

just wondering if anyone here was in similar situation ... i'm bi but in a monogamous relationship with the father of my unborn kiddo (we tried being poly, found it wasn't for us). totally happy with our current status but it's an interesting position to be in, knowing that for all intents and purposes we "look" straight (well, my partner is, at least) but that i still consider bisexuality a part of my identity. do you find ways to "honor" that aspect of your sexuality that aren't sexual per se? (if that makes sense)

curious as to whether or not others have had to navigate this issue...

[KieranD]

I think you honor that part of your sexuality every time you appreciate an aspect of feminine beauty in your own unique way.

Are you worried you're being perceived as being "too straight"? If you want to more publicly identify as bi (or even to give bisexuality a bigger part of your life non-sexually), you can always volunteer time at a LGBT+ event or cause.

-Kieran

[pinkmilk]

I think if it's all I do to just hang out here in the queer parenting forum, dream of being with a women and send the odd Valentine to a cute girl then I'm honoring myself and my identity. I have been married to dh for almost 5 years and in that time have been in love with 1 woman...she was/is my best friend but we live so far apart now. We were only intimate a couple of times...she's very straight. We moved far away and well I have'nt met anyone since... and I may never.
I also honor myself by having a rainbow sticker on my van, teaching my kids about love and all types of relationships and about bisexualty(Mommy used to have girlfriends)...

[Stinkerbell]

Originally Posted by jennlindsey

hey mamas,

just wondering if anyone here was in similar situation ... i'm bi but in a monogamous relationship with the father of my unborn kiddo (we tried being poly, found it wasn't for us). totally happy with our current status but it's an interesting position to be in, knowing that for all intents and purposes we "look" straight (well, my partner is, at least) but that i still consider bisexuality a part of my identity. do you find ways to "honor" that aspect of your sexuality that aren't sexual per se? (if that makes sense)

curious as to whether or not others have had to navigate this issue...

Hmmm. I am bi, but made a decision to be with the man I love. Since I am here because I want to be, I have not had any real temptation. I mean, is it any more so than a straight but committed girl would be tempted by another man? Is that what you are feeling...that you worry about being faithful to a man knowing you are also attracted to women?
Are you just feeling like you have chosen one *side* and want to make sure you aren't ignoring the other side? I'm not totally clear what you are feeling.

[jennlindsey]

Originally Posted by Stinkerbell

Hmmm. I am bi, but made a decision to be with the man I love. Since I am here because I want to be, I have not had any real temptation. I mean, is it any more so than a straight but committed girl would be tempted by another man? Is that what you are feeling...that you worry about being faithful to a man knowing you are also attracted to women?
Are you just feeling like you have chosen one *side* and want to make sure you aren't ignoring the other side? I'm not totally clear what you are feeling.

for me, it's not an issue of "temptation" at all. i made my decision because it's the one that i'm happy with. i guess it's more a matter of feeling like that aspect is still a part of me whether i choose to act upon it relationship-wise or not, and having that come up when i least expect it. as an example, one time i was in the ER for an issue during this pregnancy and the doctor looked at my partner and i and said "so, you're heterosexual and monogamous" (making an assumption because we were there together, having a baby together) and in my head i was like ... umm .... NO, but I didn't really want to get into a detailed discussion of my sexuality with a doctor i had just met. afterwards, i asked myself: should i have corrected him? *can* i still legitimately identify as bi when for all intents and purposes my life is "straight" in terms of relationship practice? that sort of thing. (i think the answer is "yes, i can and should," but after having gotten some grief from former friends about being a "sellout," i think it's taken me a while to get there, and i think finding my own way to self-identify without getting caught in a labyrinth of identity politics will take me a while longer.)

[KaraBoo]

It IS complex, isn't it? For me, it's gotten harder to honor that part of myself as the years go by. I've been married, to a man, for 7 years. We are monogamous so I've not flirted or dated any women during that time. I have to admit, it's getting tougher because as I get older (I'm 35), I feel more of a need to truly be myself and get in touch with what I truly want/need. But I love my husband with all my heart. And he desires, for now, a monogamous marriage. I'm doing a lot of thinking and journalling right now.

I'll be keeping an eye on this thread, too

[dynamicdoula]

I am sooo subscribing to this thread as I have needed, needed, NEEDED to have someone to talk to about this for the longest time. I have a lot to say but I'm on my way out to lunch... will write more later!

[Pynki]

For me, it feels like I am denying 1/2 of who I am. I love dh. I married him, we have a life and family, but... I MISS women. Probably much the same way I would miss MEN if I was in a monogamous relationship with a woman. I miss the energy of the other 1/2. It almost feels like a constant craving to me. I never want another man, but... I can't stop wishing there was ALSO a woman.

[dynamicdoula]

Okay I'm back from my jaunt to the store for lunch!

I definitely agree that this is a complex issue, more so than my DH acknowledges, that's for sure.

I for one don't have any desire to be with anyone but my husband. My fantasies are about women and my husband, my primary attraction is to women- but I am fulfilled in my marriage and really don't yearn for anything else. It definitely took time and some 'surrender' to being married to get me to this place.

My husband feels that if I am with a man, I am straight, and that if I was single, I would be bi because then I could either date men or women. I can't get him to understand that just because I am married to a man, I am still attracted to women- he just doesn't want to acknowledge it, I guess.

We had a big blow out recently when I wrote on my blog that I was bi and he saw it (he reads my blog, I invite him to), and we had almost a week of deep, painful discussion about how I feel he is ashamed of me, that if he could cut that out of me that i would be the perfect woman for him, and that it is painful knowing I can't talk about it with him at all.

We silently reached a point of compromise... I sort of agreed not to bring it up again around him and he has been WAY less defensive about it. Lately he's even sort of brought it up himself.. and I never pursue the conversation, just kind of meet him where he's at and leave it there, let him 'lead', so to speak. I am hopeful that like other topics, if I am patient and let him find his way, that we will work through it. It seems to be working.

My husband is an amazing man who loves me with everything that he is, he just struggles with this because I think he sees it as threatening, that I might 'wake up' and leave him for a woman one day. I don't know how to alleviate his fears other than to be trustworthy and honest, as iI have been- and let him be responsible for his own shit, honestly. I can't 'fix' it for him, he has to figure his way through it on his own.

[CryPixie83]

I'm bi and married to a man. That definately doesn't make me any less bi. Something that really gets me (am I the only person who gets this from people) is that guys tend to think that being with a bisexual female means "instant threesome!" : or that we're automatically easy or that we want to be in a poly relationship. I've been in poly relationships, they're not for me, I don't share well. DH and I do "check out" other women together, which is one way I keep in touch with my sexuality, I appreciate the female form and it's sensuality and sexuality and beauty...

[Lizzardbits]

you ladies have eloquently put into words what i have felt all along. I love the human body in all its shapes and forms. my best friend feels the same way, and chooses to see the beauty in both men and women, all colors and shapes and sizes. She and i share a relationship that our fiances have a bit of trouble understanding. i love her and lust her and i know that the feeling is mutual. Our guys tend to think that it is going to lead to some sort of group sex thing. so we refrain from anything sexual around our guys, but when we are on the phone to each other, we express how sexy we find each other. we both are in happy monogamus relationships that we both see as "fooling around" with anyone but our fiances as cheating.

I too feel like i am denying a part of me. but then on the other hand, i know that marrying my guy is right for me. (I just keep thinking that if he were female, that i'd love them just the same.

[jennlindsey]

Wow ... thank you, ladies, for all your heartfelt responses. I was a little nervous putting myself out there with a question the way I did, but it's good to know I'm not alone in this particular issue.

A few things that jumped out at me in response before I head home from work:

Originally Posted by Pynki

For me, it feels like I am denying 1/2 of who I am. I love dh. I married him, we have a life and family, but... I MISS women. Probably much the same way I would miss MEN if I was in a monogamous relationship with a woman. I miss the energy of the other 1/2. It almost feels like a constant craving to me. I never want another man, but... I can't stop wishing there was ALSO a woman.

Interestingly enough, the *only* thing I found fulfilling about being poly was that both sides of my sexuality were actively engaged at once when I was dating both a man and a woman simultaneously. It's an interesting idea in theory, and if I really wanted to be with a woman again, my partner would be supportive, which I appreciate, but my overall experience of the poly relationship we were in was so utterly traumatic that I have no desire to go there again (not an indictment of polyamory itself, just a commentary on a really, really bad individual situation).

Originally Posted by dynamicdoula

My husband feels that if I am with a man, I am straight, and that if I was single, I would be bi because then I could either date men or women. I can't get him to understand that just because I am married to a man, I am still attracted to women- he just doesn't want to acknowledge it, I guess.

And I can see how it might feel threatening to someone who doesn’t have that frame of reference in terms of their own sexuality, but wow, that must be hard for you.

Originally Posted by CryPixie83

I'm bi and married to a man. That definately doesn't make me any less bi. Something that really gets me (am I the only person who gets this from people) is that guys tend to think that being with a bisexual female means "instant threesome!" : or that we're automatically easy or that we want to be in a poly relationship. I've been in poly relationships, they're not for me, I don't share well. DH and I do "check out" other women together, which is one way I keep in touch with my sexuality, I appreciate the female form and it's sensuality and sexuality and beauty...

Other than the fact that my partner and I aren't married yet, I could have written your post word for word in terms of sentiment! So totally been there on all of the above!

Thank you again for an excellent ongoing discussion, everybody!

[KaraBoo]

My problem is that while a threesome is certainly exciting, I struggle with the desire to have a relationship with a woman that *doesn't* include my husband. Yet, I want to be monogamous. It's enough to drive a girl crazy!

[Arwyn]

I am bisexual, I am monogamous with a straight-but-not-narrow man who knew I was bisexual well before I ever "outed" myself to him, I have no particular desire to be polyamorous although I think I could be happy in a poly relationship, I have strong attractions to women (probably 50/50 on average), and although I wish I had a magical potion that would turn my lover female for a day every once in a while, I am not sexually unfulfilled nor do I feel I am denying any part of myself, because, well, I'm not.

I don't feel any of this is contradictory.

In terms of wanting a female lover, here's what I usually say: About 5% of the time, I'm really glad my lover is male. About 5% of the time I wish he were a she. The rest of the time, I only care about getting off, so my partner's perfect for me 95% of the time! And the rest of the time, I express my frustrations regarding the form of his flesh, and we deal with it (did I mention he's not narrow?).

No relationship is perfect. No relationship is going to provide everything you need, not even sexually. Dealing with that immutable fact is the mark of maturity; sometimes we deal with it by accepting whatever it lacks and moving on with our lives ("well, I'm never going to have a female lover, oh well"), sometimes we deal with it by compromising ("honey, let's look through this Good Vibes catalogue together tonight - do you think this harness is my color?"), and sometimes we deal with it by forming other relationships ("you already know my primary lifemate Bob, and this is my girlfriend Jill"). None of these is better in an absolute sense than any other, and most people will probably use all of them at some point or another in their lives.

My deepest sympathy for those of you who aren't happy with your life as-is, and I hope each of you finds the shift in perceptions or actions that are right for you.

Also, sorry about the length/tone of the message - I'm tired, and I write more, and more formally, the tireder I get.

[Arwyn]

As for passing as straight, I hate it. I actively work against it - by being unmarried (we're boycotting marriage), by openly expressing my attractions to both/many sexes if I'm in a situation where I would express any, by correcting false assumptions and rejecting false labels.

An example on that last one - I have a SIL who is, as far as I can tell, really uncomfortable with my bisexuality, even though her husband/my brother is really cool about it. She doesn't like to use my prefered term for my lifemate ("partner"), "because people might get the wrong idea and think you're gay." (That's half the point!) She thinks we should just get married because we're wasting money (I don't yet have insurance through DP's job and we're paying for COBRA for me), and it's just silly/stupid that we're not, and "it does no good" (even though only because of us, DP's employer is going to look for domestic partner coverage when they switch insurance carriers later this year). Anyway, she has tried to say we're in a heterosexual relationship - which, while correct technically ("b : of, relating to, or involving sexual intercourse between individuals of opposite sex"), is incorrect and misleading socially - and I correct her and insist on using the more precise and accurate "male/female relationship", or, better still, just "relationship".

When a medical practitioner says something like "you're in a monogamous heterosexual relationship, right?" I reply with "I am monogamous in a relationship with a man, yes." Which is, again, more precise and more accurate.

So yes, I find lots of ways to honor my sexuality and my bisexual identity within the context of my happily monogamous relationship.

[cornflower_3]

*

[max_4477]

Well, for a differing perspective, I'm bi and married & monogamous with a woman, and it doesn't feel weire to me or like I'm denying part of myself. Maybe it's because I don't see gender as a simple male/female duality. There are always attractive people out there that have something my partner doesn't have, but I don't feel like it's doing me any harm not to be with someone (male, really buff, Jewish like me, visually artistic, etc) who is significantly different from my partner in ways I find attractive.

I think denying my *identity* as queer/bi/whatever *is* more like denying part of myself (like if I felt like I had to ID as lesbian just because I'll probably never sleep with a guy again), but monogamy to me is not in conflict with being bi.

[jennlindsey]

Originally Posted by max_4477

I think denying my *identity* as queer/bi/whatever *is* more like denying part of myself (like if I felt like I had to ID as lesbian just because I'll probably never sleep with a guy again), but monogamy to me is not in conflict with being bi.

Couldn't have articulated it better myself.

[SleepyMamaBear]

subbing really quickly before DD wakes from nap.
i'm here, i'm queer, and damn near everyone around me better get used to it, cause its not gonna change!!! :P
everyone i know knows in the past i have been with both men and women an preffered women. it came as a shock to everyone, including myself, that i married a man.
but i love him as a person not because of his genitalia. it just so happens i do like his genitalia too. though his is the first male package i have seen and been with and really appreciated and enjoyed fully.
if have to give it a percentage i am 93%gay 5%straight and 2%of me doesnt give a flying f**k enough to even care.
i am married to a man in a monogamous relationship with a man. but i am in NO way straight. and we dont call our relationship hetero either. we call it either male/female or man/woman. or if we are feeling like causing an uproar penis/vagina.
neither of us are 100% hetero or gay, so the label of hetero doesnt apply to us.

[11yrsNoKid]

Accept Me please!!!

I have to say that finding this thread is like opening a locked door to my mind.

I have been feeling this way for a long time. A few years ago, dh had no problem with me haveing girlfriends. I have had 4 relationships with women durring my marriage. This started with me admitting to my husband my true feelings. He then came to me and told me that he didn't have a problem with it, just don't tell him abou it. I then had my first relationship with a women I was already friends with. She gave me a key to her apt. and it lasted for 3 years. Dh and I seperated years later for other reasons. Since we have been back together, this subject hasn't come up. Except for the, "how many women have you been with while we were apart?" question. I long for a close realtionship with a woman. My bestfriend told me that if her relationship with her boyfriend doesn't work out, she wants me to be her first. Well they have been together for 1 1/2 years now. It has been longer than that since I have been with a woman. It almost seems to be impossable now that I am living in a new state and dont know anyone. There aren't any gay clubs here either.