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complexity of bein' bi and monogamous by choice - Page 2

post #21 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by AddysMama
subbing really quickly before DD wakes from nap.
i'm here, i'm queer, and damn near everyone around me better get used to it, cause its not gonna change!!! :P
everyone i know knows in the past i have been with both men and women an preffered women. it came as a shock to everyone, including myself, that i married a man.
but i love him as a person not because of his genitalia. it just so happens i do like his genitalia too. though his is the first male package i have seen and been with and really appreciated and enjoyed fully.
if have to give it a percentage i am 93%gay 5%straight and 2%of me doesnt give a flying f**k enough to even care.
i am married to a man in a monogamous relationship with a man. but i am in NO way straight. and we dont call our relationship hetero either. we call it either male/female or man/woman. or if we are feeling like causing an uproar penis/vagina.neither of us are 100% hetero or gay, so the label of hetero doesnt apply to us.
That is so funny...i can see myself using that line..." oh yes...we're in a penis/vagina relationship"!!! i love it!!!!

my dh honored my bisexuality the other day by buying me the 1st season of The L Word!!!!
post #22 of 61
Hmm... I think I prefer dick/clit, myself.

Or phallus/yoni. That's a good one.

post #23 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arwyn
Hmm... I think I prefer dick/clit, myself.

Or phallus/yoni. That's a good one.

post #24 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by max_4477
Well, for a differing perspective, I'm bi and married & monogamous with a woman, and it doesn't feel weire to me or like I'm denying part of myself. Maybe it's because I don't see gender as a simple male/female duality. There are always attractive people out there that have something my partner doesn't have, but I don't feel like it's doing me any harm not to be with someone (male, really buff, Jewish like me, visually artistic, etc) who is significantly different from my partner in ways I find attractive.

I think denying my *identity* as queer/bi/whatever *is* more like denying part of myself (like if I felt like I had to ID as lesbian just because I'll probably never sleep with a guy again), but monogamy to me is not in conflict with being bi.
:
I have always been attracted to many genders of people, and always been in monogamous relationships, including my current one of 10+ years to a woman, without feeling any conflict within myself about it.
We both prefer "queer" for our self-identities (I was bi-identified for a very long time, but have since stopped using it much because I feel it re-inforces the false idea that there are only 2 genders), so one of the only times it comes up is in groups where someone else will say "since we're all lesbians" or "as lesbians, don't you think ..." etc and then I have to decide how to/if to/when to say I'm not a lesbian.

interesting thread, though.
post #25 of 61
I'm responding to this post a little behind schedule so please excuse me.

Yeh, I do have a hard time being bi and in a monogamous relationship but its a much more complicated issue than just sexuality. Maybe its just because my kids are still little (just 2 and about to be born!) but I really feel robbed of my sexuality in motherhood. I miss the intensity of relationships other than those with my children esp. girl-girl ones. It just isn't so easy to feel like *me* and feel like a *sexually alive me* with "mama mama mama" day in day out.

My husband is ok with my bisexuality--I actually met him while visiting an old female lover. When we first met I even got dh to kiss a younger guy (on suggestion) but we were all very drunk but it was VERY cool since he is so, so straight. I don't think dh expects me not to play with girls as he's always been pretty accepting. I just don't know how I could find room for those relationships that used to feed me so much.

I feel like I've lost so much of me in mama, but I have also gained so much serenity.

Not sure where I was going with this...just feeding in my two cents I guess.

Thanks for the thread btw!
post #26 of 61
I identified myself as a lesbian for a long time, even after I met my husband. I used to say that the phrase is sexual "preference" and I PREFER women. I actually had to overcome the fact that DH is a man. I loved him so dearly, but he was SOO not what I wanted sexually. Now I have come to enjoy it because sex is an expression of our love, and I do love him dearly.

We are poly by choice (monogamous because we have no other option right now) lol. There are times when DH can get "in touch with his feminine side", and at times like that, he truly is all that I need. But most of the time, I long for a woman to hold. Things are so much different (at least in my case) when I'm in a relationship with a woman than when I'm with a man. When I'm with a man, I very much expect him to be "the man" and treat me like his queen. I am the total opposite when I am with a woman. I want to pamper her, and she is my queen. So I think if I chose to be monogamous, I WOULD be missing something.

Not that being poly makes much of a difference, because there's like NO bi women in Virginia. lol At least none that are interested in anything more than just sex.
post #27 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moonprysm
When I'm with a man, I very much expect him to be "the man" and treat me like his queen. I am the total opposite when I am with a woman. I want to pamper her, and she is my queen. So I think if I chose to be monogamous, I WOULD be missing something.
Moonprysm, this is exactly how I feel too. I guess that "Lancelot" part of myself is what I feel I am really missing lately; I've been Guinevere far too long...
post #28 of 61
I don't feel that I have to have a man and a woman to be happy, I feel that I just had a bigger pool to pick from, and happened to fall in love with a man. Sure I get attracted to other women (and men!) but I think this would happen even if I were straight, just only to men. It doesn't mean I am unhappy in my marriage. I do feel that being bi is part of my identity though, and I don't keep it a secret. My husband is absolutely comfortable with me being bi, and with my past relationships with women, just so long as I remain monogamous.
post #29 of 61
Sorry, double post.
post #30 of 61
Well, I am married to a man having another wife also and we three are happily living together. Of late, I am discovering my bi tendencies, which is both surprising and agonising at times. I had read somewhere that both males and females have a combination of both kinds of harmoanes. If one accepts genuinely being a bi, the person is honest and bold, if she / he starts living that way the person is 'bolder'. But this has got its own complications - the societal appreciation of the situation might disturb some. Perhaps, for one's own satisfaction, it is wiser to satisfy one's feelings when things become clearer. Well, women are the most beautiful creation of nature and why should they not be attracted towards each other?
Uzra
post #31 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arwyn
I think I prefer dick/clit, myself.
Is that anything like Chick Lit?
post #32 of 61
One of my friends says it's her husband's fantasy to see her with another woman. I tell her it's my husband's fear. I don't think he actively worries that I'll cheat on him, but he does point out that I have twice as many possible candidates.

As for me, I don't worry that I'd ever cheat with another man. What could he offer that DH can't? But decade after decade without ever another woman . . . . Now that could be a challenge.
post #33 of 61
I find myself just as tempted by men as by women (although there are MORE womyn I love/lust after). The no woman ever thing is annoying, but as I've said before, only about 5% of the time, so we just deal.


at Chick Lit.
post #34 of 61
my dh is awesome cool about my love for women....he knows i need women in my life in a way he can never give me. he just respects this part of me so completely.

it is not his fantasy at all to see me with another woman...i joke about having to get him really drunk so we could have a threesome (but it's just not his thing).

i can't wait to meet another woman...but with babies and boobies and more babies and boobies...it feels like forever since.....
post #35 of 61
I am bisexual and monogamously married to a man. I didn't think I would end up in this situation ever. I never even believed in marriage...but I suddently valued sentiment over my opposition to patriarchial tradition and I ended up married!

I tell my husband that he was a brave man to marry a dyke. In many ways that is a part of my identity. I spent many years openly identifying as lesbian before finding a bi identity. I loved womyn's culture and community. I really miss having a female partner - partly for the sexual aspect, but more so for the relationship piece. I am close to my husband and love him lots, but it is a different kind of closeness than I have had with my female partners.

I can not imagine having a poly relationship - neither I nor my hubby find it appealing - it seems like just a recipe for hurt feelings to us.

Recently I have joined a bisexual women's group that meets once a month for social and emotional support. I am totally enjoying it. The womyn are so smart, interesting, creative, brave, quirky, edgy, unapologetic, tender and insightful. And my bi identity has really developed nicely in the company of these women...I see it now as a resting place after years of volleying between the straight and lesbian communities.

I think making decisions to actively cultivate my bisexual energies and identity will go a long way towards quelling any feelings that I have about missing out on something by having committed to my monogamous relationship with my husband. We have only been married for 3 years, so who knows what the future holds. I try not to think that I will never have a female partner again...rather, I focus on the fact that I am actively choosing my relationship with my husband at present. There is enough there between us to keep me engaged, monogamous, and mesmerized by him. Relationships are never guaranteed (even with marriage - a quick divorce is at your fingertips). I try to live in the present and enjoy the now without trying to predict the future.

My bisexuality is available to me to the extend that I want to connect with it, recognize it, celebrate it, acknowledge it and express it (in sexual and non-sexual ways, within the context of monogamy). I have found that this energy ebbs and flows and I feel more womyn focused or more man focused at different times. I see this as natural and healthy and just go with the flow.
Sandra
post #36 of 61
Wow Sandy...I find your words awesome and inspiring!!! Thankyou. There are many things about your post that I can relate to and that I respect.
Quote:
I think making decisions to actively cultivate my bisexual energies and identity will go a long way towards quelling any feelings that I have about missing out on something
Quote:
My bisexuality is available to me to the extend that I want to connect with it, recognize it, celebrate it, acknowledge it and express it (in sexual and non-sexual ways, within the context of monogamy). I have found that this energy ebbs and flows and I feel more womyn focused or more man focused at different times. I see this as natural and healthy and just go with the flow

Those are powerful words. It's nice to meet you!
post #37 of 61
Sandy-how did you find your Bi support group?
post #38 of 61
Hi ntengwall,
we are very lucky in Toronto with a very vibrant queer community in downtown. Since I had identified as lesbian on and off for many years, I was well aware of services for these groups. There is a community centre that holds lots of groups for the queer community and one of them is the bi-woman's group. I don't know about where you live, but it would be a good start to seek out gay or lesbian services (since these are usually longer established than bi services) and ask them if they can help you find some bi women's services. I would think that in smaller towns, all the services would be grouped together under "queer" or "lgbt". Hope this info is helpful.
post #39 of 61
wow. im so happy to have found this thread! my dh and i have been married for 2yrs. we're polly, but not really practicing/looking (he works full time, we have dd who is 19mo and ds who will arrive any day now, plus i constantly care for my 7yr old brother and help homeschool him ... we just really don't have time for anyone but each other and the kids and work!) we're both what you might call pan-sexual (we love people, not gender/sex/gender identity/etc). still, out of all our peers we feel the most "straight". we're married with a family, he works, i'm a "house wife" ... i love our marriage. it's a very symbolic thing for us, because we really feel that we are soul-mates ... still, it's a symbol to the rest of the world that we're hetero! i can't count the times that my "queer" friends have told me "yeah, but you don't understand ... youre not gay." and nobody seems to understand why that's offensive! dh's father even said once that dh had gone through a bi stage, but now that he had married me, that was over. i was like ... yeah. ... right. ... why do people think that things are so black and white??

i think it's harder to keep up one's queer identity in a male/female relationship because it's assumed on both sides (from the "straight" and "gay" communities) that you're either in one camp or the other. "bisexual" usually just means "confused" ... well, i think that if everyone was honest with themselves they'd realize that what's sexy about a person isn't necessarily their GENITALS nor what color eyeshadow they wear nor how hairy their legs are ... sometimes, it actually has to do with the person underneath all that. i think ani put it best when she got married. she told a reporter ... i just like people.

it makes me feel so good that there are others out there who know that relationships aren't just about labels. NO relationship is that simple! we're all just people with complex feelings and urges. .. ::sigh:: yall are beautiful. thank you!
post #40 of 61
And thank you too josephene_e!!!!

I love hearing how everyone thinks...it keeps me alive.
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