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complexity of bein' bi and monogamous by choice - Page 3

post #41 of 61
and I really agree with you...I hate coming across as straight...even though I totally appear to be.

and I hate it when people assume children's sexuality too. You know when people say..."when little z gets older he's gonna have to hold off the ladies""or whatever. And I just say.."oh, I think he hasn't determined his sexual idendity yet!"

Most people don't even get it.

it's too funny. Most people are just wrapped up in their straight little worlds and to be honest if i didn't work at staying alive in my sexuality(even if currently this means just in my thoughts!!) I might just fall to the wayside of boring sexless housewife sahm with nothing but my marriage and kids to talk about.

staying on the fringe of life takes some effort!!!
post #42 of 61
I never actually came to the realization I "might" be bi until I met my bi bf. But what I don't "get" is what seems to be the prevailing attitude on this thread about letting other people know you're bi. (How can I explain what I mean?)

Okay... for me, and I stress ONLY me, I would be mortified if anyone in real life knew I was attracted to women. My bf is poly in theory, and jokes about finding me a girlfriend, or finding us a couple. He doesn't understand my feelings on this.
I guess what I'm asking is how did you all get to a point where you were WILLING to let other people know that you're bi? I have been stuck at the same place for years, and don't know how to proceed. I have never known any gay/bi/lesbian people in real life (at least, never knew they were bi until after they were all out of my life) so there is no support system.
post #43 of 61
: not married, but monogamous with my boyfriend/the father of my son. It is an interesting situation. I sometimes do question myself- "so can I still say I'm bi even though I am committed to being with a man?" it gets pretty complex. Our male friends who know that I'm bi often ask if we have 3somes and such as that. They don't see why we don't want to. And the kicker is that it really has nothing to do with my sexual orientation- I'm just too ADD for all that going on at once. :

We live on a small town and I don't shave so my hairy pits often get people assuming that I'm a lesbian (why they assume that and not that I'm just a hippie I'll never know) and then when they find out I have a baby and a man they get all confused. I try to honor my identity by just being open about it with anyone I care about so that they know it is just another facet of who I am and what my preferences are. I still struggle with it at times though...
post #44 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by maigheach
I never actually came to the realization I "might" be bi until I met my bi bf. But what I don't "get" is what seems to be the prevailing attitude on this thread about letting other people know you're bi. (How can I explain what I mean?)

let me try to explain...being with women was a huge part of my identity before I married dh. Ones past does come up in conversation with friends and it's nice to have people in your life that you can be yourself around. Now I don't go telling everyone that I'm bi, but the people who I want to be close to, future friends, people I wish to have more than a surface friendship; had better know the real me...or whats the point then??kwim?

I like to be able to talk about x's, I like people to know that I am equally attracted to men and women, I like people to know that I am a feminist with open views that are extremely important to me.
post #45 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by maigheach
I would be mortified if anyone in real life knew I was attracted to women...snip...I have never known any gay/bi/lesbian people in real life (at least, never knew they were bi until after they were all out of my life) so there is no support system.
Your feelings of mortification are not uncommon. We live in a homophobic and biphobic culture. The fact that you have not known any openly queer (les-bi-gay) people only adds to your feelings of isolation and fear of being seen as unacceptable. If you really want to change this, I would recommend that you connect in person with some queer people. If resources are not available in your community, you may need to travel to a neighbouring area. There are lots of welcoming coming out support groups in most large cities. You could also look for a local PFLAG organization. I don't think that you can move forward alone. You need to meet other queer people and find out that you like them, respect them and that they are just as "normal" as everyone else. You might also try reading books on the topic of queer women's sexuality. If you feel really isolated and troubled by your bisexuality, try to find a queer - bisexual positive counsellor or therapist and discuss your feelings.
post #46 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinkmilk
Ones past does come up in conversation with friends and it's nice to have people in your life that you can be yourself around... the people who I want to be close to, future friends, people I wish to have more than a surface friendship; had better know the real me...or whats the point then??kwim?
Unfortunately, I've never been in that position. Have never had any close friends; nothing more than casual acquaintances, to be honest. I guess I wouldn't know how to start or maintain a friendship if I had to. I've rather given up on trying. Nobody knows the "real me", not even me...
Thanks for your responses, ladies. Looks like it's time for me to figure out some sort of counseling strategy. I need something...

On a humorous note, I did a Google search on "Tennessee Pride" (was thinking along the lines of "gay pride") and what I found was a bunch of links having to do with a sausage company!
post #47 of 61

Hi, everyone...

I am new here. I actually found your site doing a google search. I am 41 and in a monogomous "straight" relationship, with a man who happens to be bisexual. We have been having many conversations about bisexuality as he is the first man I have been able to talk to about these feelings without him feeling threatened. I am a parent of 3 teens and he has 3 teens as well. His kids really like me, in fact it was match making on the parts of my youngest son and his son, who are best friends.

We have been able to fulfill his needs, for the most part, however I have realized that I miss the aspects of having a relationship with a woman. I am confused and unsure of where to turn to. When I first admitted that I was bi, I lived in Vancouver, BC. The gay community wouldn't accept me and neither would the straight community. The church turned their back on me and I was left to deal with this void in my life.

I am not sure what to do. I was in a polyamorous relationship for 2 yrs and it was the best of both worlds. We have talked about this, however we would need to have a bi-couple as then his needs could be met.

I am very confused and could use some advise on this.

Thanks

Cora:
post #48 of 61
I have a hard time with it, just because I really want a relationship with a women, I am completely in love with my boyfriend and dont even think about sleeping with another guy but with girls it is another matter...... I am always thinking about it but it is complicated.... My boyfriend knows and doesnt care as long as i dont hide it from him and go behind his back i just feel like it would hurt him and i just deny myself, because i am really happy with him. I have been thinking alot about it............
post #49 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by CraftyGal1965
... I am 41 and in a monogomous "straight" relationship, with a man who happens to be bisexual. We have been having many conversations about bisexuality as he is the first man I have been able to talk to about these feelings without him feeling threatened. I am a parent of 3 teens and he has 3 teens as well...

...We have been able to fulfill his needs, for the most part...

I am not sure what to do. I was in a polyamorous relationship for 2 yrs and it was the best of both worlds. We have talked about this, however we would need to have a bi-couple as then his needs could be met.
Hi, you sound like you could be us! My fiance' is bi, has been for many years, and we have had no trouble getting his desires taken care of. Ideally, though, he would like to find a poly couple, so we could both be involved. I just don't think I'd be able to "chime in" and be a part of it. Which makes me sad, because I love him so much, and want him to be able to realize his dream of being part of a poly family.

My fiance' is the first person I've been able to talk to at all about this, and I'm feeling highly ashamed about it. Too much of dear old mom in me, I guess.

I wish I could give you some advice, but so far, I'm still on the outside lookin' in.
post #50 of 61
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post #51 of 61
I guess its a little late to revisit this thread but I was without internet access for 2 weeks. It was hard but refreshing!

Anyway...

I have known for many, many years that I want to share the later years of my life with a woman, travelling the world and sharing quiet nights at home with tea/wine and a good book/film. While in relationships with women I always sort of knew they were going to be short term as I was married or en route to having kids. In my mind men have always had a "place" and a role that has sort of interfered with clean love for them. Right now dh is the $ provider and active father. As a bi, I planned to have a classic man-woman-kids family but always clung to the idea of finally being with an extra special womanfriend once the "need" for a man wore off (that is, when my kids are old enough to be independant). I still have this. I tell people about my intention and invariably they ask me "well what about your dh?". I mean, I don't plan on divorcing him---he is 5 star awesome most of the time--but I just don't see myself with a man after the age of 45-50. I guess anything can change...

I am sorry this isn't very articulate. Does anyone else know where I am coming from here?
post #52 of 61
See I don't think that being "bi" entitles us to more than one relationship. Is that what you are saying? I guess I'm a bit confused.

I could have married a woman had I wanted or a man had I wanted. I chose a man to marry and I love him with all my heart and am committed to him always.

If a hetero woman, was married to a man and was monogamous, would she feel obligated to pay tribute or homage to the men or lifestyle she would have had, had she not gotten married?

I don't think I need closure on both sides just because I could love either or. KWIM?

*I* know I'm bi, I don't need to proclaim it to anyone. Who cares if people think I'm straight? When I go out with a female friend of mine, do I wonder if people think we're lesbians? I don't give it a thought. The people who know me, know my heart. They are what matters.

Whether you are straight, gay or bi, I still think it's important to raise children that are loving and accepting regardless. My husband is straight and believes this to be true.

I just miss the point of making a point I guess. I don't miss relationships with women any more than I miss relationships with me, in of the fact that yes, I miss the newness and the excitement, but there is nothing that compares to the love I have now and what we have shared. It's a nonissue for us.
post #53 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoggyGranolaMomma
See I don't think that being "bi" entitles us to more than one relationship. Is that what you are saying?
Sort of. I DO miss relationships with women. In the past I was never truly monogamous but have been with current dh. I don't even have time for a relationship with myself let alone adding someone else to the equation!

I do miss relationships with women. I always prefered the dynamics of my female relationships to my male ones. I felt so much more free in them and so much more like myself. Our charcters have more influence in determining our roles in the woman-woman relationship. So many roles in marriage come by gender default.

What is weird for me now is looking at dh and *knowing* I want to return to a (monogamous) woman-woman relationship one day. Its weird because he's a fabulous husband so I'm not contiplating divorce but I don't really buy into "till death do us part". For me its more like "lets reconsider when our kids are grown". The institution of marriage itself is restritive for me. Regardless of how good dh is, I think I will just want out after my kids are old enough.

I'm not one of those "I just love the soul inside" people; much of my life I have preferred women but wasn't in a situation where I could be with one monogamously as I met my first husband very young and was with him for 8 years.

I know I sound wacked here. Just trying to work through it myself.
post #54 of 61
LOL It's ok. I get you. Do you have any good female "friend" relationships?

I miss having that intimacy with a woman outside out sex. Like you, since #5 came along, I don't have any time for sex with myself let alone anyone else, or desire even for that matter.

Any chance of opening up your relationship to a third female party? Is DH ok with another woman in your relationship in that way?

That's always been my hang up. I am friendly with a woman who I have a lot in common with and she is sexy as hell, but she gets AWFULLY possessive and protective of me with my own husband. It screams "baggage" and "high maintenance" to me and I just don't have the time or the energy right now for another dynamic.

My husband and I are finally in a good spot relationship-wise and I don't want to risk that right now.

Down the road, after the kids are grown I might reconsider a "chick on the side" or something (with his blessing of course!) but I love the penis and will always want it, but I like the other stuff too. I know there will come a time, that time just isn't now. That's all.



I hope you work things out in your mind for yourself to reach a peaceful place.

Quote:
Originally Posted by arboriamoon
Sort of. I DO miss relationships with women. In the past I was never truly monogamous but have been with current dh. I don't even have time for a relationship with myself let alone adding someone else to the equation!

I do miss relationships with women. I always prefered the dynamics of my female relationships to my male ones. I felt so much more free in them and so much more like myself. Our charcters have more influence in determining our roles in the woman-woman relationship. So many roles in marriage come by gender default.

What is weird for me now is looking at dh and *knowing* I want to return to a (monogamous) woman-woman relationship one day. Its weird because he's a fabulous husband so I'm not contiplating divorce but I don't really buy into "till death do us part". For me its more like "lets reconsider when our kids are grown". The institution of marriage itself is restritive for me. Regardless of how good dh is, I think I will just want out after my kids are old enough.

I'm not one of those "I just love the soul inside" people; much of my life I have preferred women but wasn't in a situation where I could be with one monogamously as I met my first husband very young and was with him for 8 years.

I know I sound wacked here. Just trying to work through it myself.
post #55 of 61
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post #56 of 61
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post #57 of 61
LOL, I totally understand where you're coming from. I have a similar problem. I've always been...I don't know, a poly idealist? Like, when I met dh I told him that there was no way that I was settling down with one person. I didn't think it was normal or natural and that I really needed to be able to be open. He was of the "I'm not sharing you" mindframe. However, now that I'm in this relationship that I adore I don't want to share...except that I do. I still have this fantasy in my head that we could have a relationship with another person or couple and that it would be alright and now that we're so secure in our relationship he's all over it, but then I've flipped to the "what if" side of things. What if it didn't work, what if...whatever.

I don't even tell most people that I'm bi anymore because there are so many questions involved. It is assumed that we sleep around, that we are all open and willing to bring anyone into the bed who will sleep with us. It's frustrating. Part of me is just like "whatever, it's nobody's business" but then part of me feels like I'm hiding that part of me. Like I'm ashamed by it, when I'm really not. I feel squashed.
post #58 of 61
Quote:
I think I get frustrated because a lot of what I am reading here explains why people frequently presume that bi=open relationship. I don't have a problem with people who are ok with "having something on the side" but I get so offended that people assume that I can't be commited to one person. If I am in a relationship (man OR woman), and I am NOT fully satisfied, then it's a signal that the relationship isn't enough for me. And I guess I'm unwilling to sacrifice myself and my partner for a relationship that can't keep me pulled in all the way. I just wish people would stop assuming that I have threesomes, or that I have a girlfriend on the side. I'm bi, I'm not a whore. :
I would say that usually it's the hetero dumb guy who assumes this. I guess my point is the same as yours ultimately. Just because you are bi doesn't mean it's ok to have more than one committed relationship, unless you are ok with that.

It's no more acceptable to me than having another male partner. If my husband doesn't know about it, it's cheating, if he does, it's an open marriage and I'm not 100% sure I'm ok with that, male or female.

I am also not a whore. Some people think differently about sex though. It's simply a form of personal expression. If you are a painter and retire to have children (poor example, I know, but work with me) and you spend your days "painting" with crayons, it doesn't mean you don't miss your oil paints and canvas. The difference is, with sex, IMO, I can't take an "adult" painting class at night to make up for it. Some people can.

I miss it, but not in a "I don't feel like myself" way. It's part of my life, I make no excuses. If it comes up in conversation and no one bats an eyelash, cool. If they freak out, well, then I know not to talk to them about it. Let them talk.

Their husband's would be thrilled, in that cute 12 yr old boy way, and they would be considered a "prude" doesn't bother me either way. I know who I am, I know the misconception. If people care, I set them straight. If they don't care, what do I care? They aren't that important to me.
post #59 of 61
enjoying this thread... glad I found it. Yes, it is so, so easy to let your identity slip away and just 'hide out' in a hetero relationship...as I seem to have. When I met my dh I was just starting to get comfortable with myself and who I am and trying to get aquainted with maybe actually comming out and then I meet him and I just felt like I didnt' feel comfortable talking to him about it or really being who I am around him (I know that sounds weird as I married him but it's hard- the whole queer thing- and we get along famously other wise) and I closed that part off. It's not that I hadn't had all kinds of different partners/experience because I had... I just couldn't actually say "I'm bi/queer/not straight" to anyone unless I strongly suspected that they were too.

From reading this thread I am starting to see that what has been bothering me lately is not that I actually want to go off with another person (bc. I don't) or that I have 'needs' that need to be filled... it's that I am not being open about who I am and not even really expressing that part at all. I think I need a support group, as a pp suggested. sorry if my ramblings are not going in a clear direction or if I am totally off topic and jumping into the middle of the conversation.
post #60 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by udonandbroth
I think I need a support group, as a pp suggested. sorry if my ramblings are not going in a clear direction or if I am totally off topic and jumping into the middle of the conversation.
You;re right on the money there!! I was thinking the same thing...maybe a lesbian/bi poetry club or something. It might just turn into a pickup club but OH. well.

I find that I make good friends very easily though and don't have to hide out in the closet in my friendships so that really helps. It makes sense to me that I have lots of women friends and women energy to be around...even if all the women in my life are straight(or so I think).

Aboriamoon said it best when she said it is the dynamics of the female-female relationship that are missed. I agree.


Sigh. What's a bi-womyn to do? double sigh.
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