when do kids stop screaming and start sharing?

[boongirl]

At what age do kids stop screaming at people who take "their" things and be happy with sharing? Does this happen as a result of maturation or is it a result of parents teaching about sharing? My dd will be 3 next month and I am finding myself impatient with her inability to share. I know this will change but how and when? For example, she wants to play trains but will only let me play with the tram engine and if I even touch the other engines she will scream and cry and protest that those are "my engines." I try to ask nicely if I can play with them for a minute and promise I will give them back but she is just not ready for that concept. When will she be?

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

I do think it's a teaching thing, and not really something that just 'happens', honestly. If it was something that just 'happened' with all kids, you wouldn't have older children who still put up a fuss when someone wants to share something of theirs.

DD had issues when she was under a year if someone wanted to play something with her, but we worked with her, and since a little over a year, has been wonderful at sharing. She does, however, get upset if other children get angry/scream instead of sharing. She seems to feel kinda put off, doesn't really understand why others can't or won't share...

My DD will be 5 in a couple months, btw.

[boongirl]

Well, how then do you teach a child about sharing? We've tried to be very gentle with her. When we go to friend's houses or they come here and at her preschool, she gets very upset if kids are playing with "her" toys. This is especially true of those toys that are really hers. We've tried talking to her about it and giving her a choice (which toy can he play with) and we've tried telling her it is not fun to play with her when she grabs away all the toys. She just does not seem to understand. Maybe she just needs more practice? She has only been in a coop preschool for a month now (we were in one last year but took June-Dec off from coop for several reasons). I am also going to sign her up for non-coop preschool next fall. Or, maybe it is just her personality? She is an only child and very intense.

Are there any books on the subject?

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Honestly? Everything you're already doing, just keep up with it. It's very frustrating, but it does eventually get easier. You're already doing great, letting her choose which toy etc.

My DD was also an only (until gaining an older step-brother a couple eyars later..lol), and quite intense. We didn't have the resources to put her in a preschool setting or anything, but honestly, I probably would have for short terms if I could. (that's totally just me though!!).

She does have her moments still with like her very favorite toys...lol But 99% of the time, she's very open and sharing.

[mamaroni]

I've heard that children don't/can't understand the concept of sharing until the age of 4 or 5.

sounds like you are doing everything you can. with my kids, I try to reinforce constantly that they will get a turn, and the older ones are starting to really get it, and are also really good about giving the little one a turn first, since she has the most difficulty with the concept!

But, we still have many many tantrums and meltdowns over 'mine'.

hang in there!

[beanma]

25.

i think maybe 25 is when they stop screaming and start sharing.

think about teenage sisters.

it sounds like you're doing a great job, but don't expect to stop having to repeat yourself anytime soon.

[kewb]

For my older sister and I it was after I graduated from college (and we are still not 100% great at it and I will be 40 this year)

[boongirl]

beanma & kew, that is hilarious. I have a younger brother who shares with me but that is a recent thing. (I will be 40 and he 38 next month!)
My dh and his sis still don't share but at least all our moms have long ago stopped telling us to.

[AndiG]

I was going to say 20 when I first read the question

honestly, I believe its a practice thing for many many children. Some it comes easily to, some it doesn't. My son at almost three shares better than his sister who is four and a half. She is far more intense than he is. But to her credit she shares better than many of her peers who have no silbings.
I think they develop the ability to understand taking turns between 3 and 4 for most children but a year either side of that seems quite normal as well.

[genifer]

To some kids it comes natural, others need the nurturing and patiant guidance thing going on for like 30years before they consider sharing. Some kids are more strong willed than others, I think, and naturally believe that everything under the sun is theirs so who is anyone else to question that (I have one of those children). My 6yo twin girls, on the other hand only just started NOT wanting to share everything or play nicely together! They have shared clothes and everything else since birth!

[PancakeGoddess]

I think it can be a long longer. Not to be discouraging, but just to be realistic. It's a lot of work.

We went through rough periods where we just didn't hang out much with others, and then it would improve a while. Back and forth, like that.

By 4-5, I think most kids can suck it up most of the time.

[**guest**]

My ds doesn't know how/like to share. He's an only child and doesn't go to preschool yet. Because he's not around children all that often, it's hard for him to learn.

Now, think of this: How many ADULTS that you know of actually like to share? Seriously, I think sharing doesn't come easy for most people. (I didn't say ALL, just most). Yeah, there are some things that we'll share but when it comes to our favorite things....Back off! It's mine!

giggle.
Liz

[mattjule]

I disagree that the concept of sharing can't be learned until 4-5. My ds2 shares very well and knows what we mean when we tell him to share. He's 19 months. I don't necessarily expect that he will always be gracious, and he isn't always gracious now but for the most part he is. I fully credit his brother. Ds1 was very intense and hated sharing. We had lots of hitting incidents about sharing. Preschool really helped, actually. I think practicing it so much played a big part. So I will tell you what we do with his brother at home. We take very quick turns, that is a biggie. When they share a water bottle in the car, ds1 will take a quick swig and pass it to ds2. Ds2 will dawdle over it but we say "You need to share it with T now". After the third time of non-sharing, we do take it and hand it to his brother (I mean, he can't be Lord of The Water when his brother is really thirsty). Ds1 takes another quick drink and hands it back. This teaches ds2 that he will indeed get it back but the key, I think, is swiftness. If you make them wait too long it doesn't work. Likewise, if there is a toy sharing problem we set the timer. I do 1 minute increments-catching ds2 before he loses interest so he gets that he needs to give his brother a turn. Forcing ds1 to wait until his brother loses interest every time I think teaches him to resent ds2. Those 2 techniques themselves are really effective. At least with a fairly compliant subject (ds2 has a temper but deep down he really likes to please).

Now for ds1, it was much harder, he grew up in a world where every toy was his, not everyone's. He got panicky when other children touched his things, I believe he thought they would take them forever. He had no problem sharing other children's toys, just his own. So we would switch playdate houses (one or two times at ours, then one or two times at a friend's) to reduce the stress on the kids. I would put away the hot-button toys before the friend arrived. I think it is fine if your child has a few things that are just theirs, but they need to learn to keep private if they aren't going to share them. If you don't want to put your child in preschool (perfectly fine, nothing wrong with that) and they don't have many or frequent playdates, you are going to have to take turns with toys with your child. If ds didn't let me touch any of his toys, I would tell him I don't want to play if I can't share his toys with him. Lots of times he reluctantly agreed to allow me the great honor of touching his things. Sometimes he would be content to play by himself. Setting a timer is a great idea, I think. Like an egg timer she could set. The hardest part for me with ds1 was that I didn't really care if he shared with me, I don't have much need for a 2 year old's toys or a screaming child. But when another child comes along, it is very different and I wish I had worked with him better at home. Just my two cents.

[blessed]

I think that it's so child specific too, that it's hard to generalize.

My now 2yo has always shared. She's just more interested in the person whom she's with than she is in the item they're playing with. If she realizes that the other child wants the toy, she just hands it over pleasantly. Pretty weird.

My friends 3 yo son is the total opposite, just becomes unglued about having to possess every toy. If another kid even wanders in the general direction, this boy will drop the toy he's been happily playing with and run over to make certain that the other child doesn't get whatever else is over there. Yet my friend is a gentle mom who has patiently worked with him nonstop since the beginning.

Just the cards we're dealt, sometimes .

[PancakeGoddess]

I'm not sure if you were refering to my post, Julie, but just ftr, I didn't say that it couldn't be learned until 4-5. I do think it's counterproductive to have high expectations that they'll share most of the time, until that age or older. I mean, you can teach it all you want, and that's a great idea, but many kids that young just aren't developmentally ready to consistently share.

It's great that your 19 mo shares. I hope it stays that way