help! (can't think of a title)

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Okay, I know I've posted before about my DSS's (10yo) forgetfullness.. Well, I gotta post the whole story, and really hope I can get some help.

DSS is a loser of jackets. That's his main issue, jackets.

For Christmas he got 3 new jackets. Later that day, he went with biomom for and overnight. By the 26th, the first jacket was gone. Gone forever. He apparantly left it at a 7-Eleven somewhere. *sighs8

Two weeks into January, he leaves one at school. Looks for it for 2 weeks before we finally accept, it must be gone. (hasn't been seen since, so, it most likely is gone forever).

A week or so after that, we buy him another new one (cheap, just something to keep him warm), and FOUR DAYS later, you guessed it, GONE.

Now, SO at this point decides to 'ground' DSS from video games for a week if he finds the jacket the next day, and 2 weeks if he does not. Well, he found it, and all was well. He was grounded for 1 week.

Well, the day before his grounding was up, he loses it yet again. SO had told DSS if he lost is again, it was another week. (I had *nothing* to do with this discipline, this was completely SO. I'm the step-mom, so I try my best to just support etc)

Well, that jacket has been missing for 7 days now, and is most likely also gone forever *sighs*

We've agreed no more jackets this year. He's used up his lot, and that's that. (he DOES have a rain jacket, and a pull over sweatshirt still, so please don't think we're sending him out with nothing!!)


Well, he's been bringing home the pullover (older, warn out looking, we're no longer letting him take the new rain jacket he got for XMas to school, it's a priviledge to wear the nicer jacket etc), which is good, and tonight is his last night of being grounded. He's been doing well, so tomorrow I was gonna let him off the hook with chores, and as soon as homework was done, and dinner was done, was gonna let him play video games (as long as I had SO's okay with this, of course).

What happens today? Oh, no, not that jacket, that would've been to obvious!! Today, it's HOMEWORK!! Completely forgot it, left it at school!!!


UGGGGHHHH!!

What are we to do?

I haven't gotten a hold of SO yet to speak with him about this, but I really truly feel like, he's already being 'punished' by SO for not being more responsible about his things, should we continue the 'grounding' for a bit, or should we just go on and brush this off...? I wouldn't be so aggrivated about this if it wasn't for the fact that he's currently being punished for not being responsible about his things etc... (just to give you an idea about where I stand. Otherwise, it isn't overly important in the grand scheme of things, IMO)

How can we help him with this? In the past taking away video games helped, and that first week, it seemed to help some as well... But now, he seems like he just can't care less...

Anyone else deal with something similar?

(and if at all possible, please noone flame about my SO's choice to 'ground', or my use of the word 'punish', it was the best I could come up with at the time. Also, please don't flame about my choice to support SO's decision.)

[LDSmomma6]

I think grounding is perfectly reasonable. It's not beating, KWIM? We ground our children. There are different groundings for different things. One grounding is that they may loose the game box for a week, one may be no dessert for 2 days, one may be no friends over after school for 5 days. And the list goes on. But that's not the issue...

The issue is...

Just know you aren't the only one with a child like this.

[aisraeltax]

how old is he? my ds1 (15) has been losing jackets for years...since around 12 or so. i don't have any advice for you. homework is another problem. he got a B- on his math this last report card but that was b/c he got an F in the homework area...whch means that he handed NOTHING in!!! how can you get a B- when you hand in zero homework?
im subscribing to your thread in case someone much wiser than me will answer your question.
good luck
rach

[sunnysideup]

That's a lot of jackets to lose, must be so frustrating for all of you! We have faced similar issues at our house. It's like they get into a habit of forgetting. It's helped me to think that even though a young teen can seem so grown up in many ways, they are still kids and there are many life skills they have not learned yet. It's our job to teach them these life skills. Punishing a child for not learning something really doesn't help them learn. What worked for us was to keep on top of the problem for a few weeks. Every time they return home you ask if they have the jacket, if not they go back to get it. Help him get in the habit of thinking about the jacket. My daughter used to forget her homework often, it helped her to write "homework" on the back of her hand. The important thing is to not pass judgement on the child. This is just a skill they have not learned yet, not a personality trait.

[LotusBirthMama]

We are going thru this right now w/ our 8 yo son...It is frustrating to say the least. DH is more pissed off about it and tends to berate ds when he loses stuff and forgets things...I wish I had some sage advice...

On a lighter note, DS had left his coat in school for about three days straight (how, in a New England winter is beyond me). He knew he was going to be in trouble so he snatched a coat out of lost and found on his way out to the bus. OK...but it was pink and lined with leapard fur...I'm still not sure what he was thinking!

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Oh, this is nothing new. This has been going on for at least 2 years... It just so happens that 3 jackets in 5 weeks was our breaking point.

Originally Posted by sunnysideup

. Punishing a child for not learning something really doesn't help them learn. What worked for us was to keep on top of the problem for a few weeks. Every time they return home you ask if they have the jacket, if not they go back to get it. Help him get in the habit of thinking about the jacket. My daughter used to forget her homework often, it helped her to write "homework" on the back of her hand.

We do this EVERYDAY and have for almost an entire year (not the writing on the hand, but notes in his bag, and in his lunch, and remind when dropping him off, and ask the second we see him, if he's not wearing it etc etc). It's not working. So, really, how is THAT teaching him anything either? It's pretty much that we're just gonna keep remembering, and he's gonna keep forgetting, and life will go on as normal. Umm, not a great lesson, IMO. (not at this point, not anymore, after doing this for so long).

In the last year total, he's lost a TOTAL of 7 jackets and a lunchbag. (along with other toys etc etc) But 3 in 5 weeks just pushed us too far.

We don't have the means to constantly replace jackets. His grandmother does however, and up until we put a stop to it last year, she just blindly replaced them over and over with no consequence. So not only was there noone telling him 'you NEED to be responsible for your things', he was getting rewarded with nice brand new expensive jackets... Thanks grandma!! I think THAT taught him something that we're now trying to UNteach him.

So, we came out and told her, no new jackets etc etc. She called me yesterday and was also herself shocked about 3 jackets in 5 weeks, and has actually been well as far as not 'rewarding' the irresponsibility anymore...



Last night, because of the homework, he needed to finish his chores, and we decided he could not watch one of his favorite shows on TV (American Idol).. We're still not certain what to do today, but will have him do the homework (even though tomorrow starts a 4 day weekend), and will probably have him do some chores to work on responsibility.

I think that's our main issue here. He was basically raised that he didn't need to be responsible, and in the end, he'd be nicely rewarded FOR being irresponsible... How do you fix that at 10 years old??

[sweetfiend]

I have to say our 17 year old neighbor is exactly like this. He can't remember his belongings EVER!!! For example, we bring him home from school and say, "Don't forget your backpack." So the backpack makes it as far as our backyard. Another reminder--it makes it into our house. Another reminder--there it is on our front step. Anonther reminder--there it is in front of our community mailboxes! I'm not sure how he does manage to get it as far as our car. His mother complains that he is so forgetful and she can't figure out what to do--and then she walks out of our house leaving behind her mail, her coffee cup, the movie she came over to borrow, etc. Once I watched her step out of her shoes to pluck a weed from our garden and then step back onto the path and walk away without her shoes! But she can't for the life of her figure out what's wrong with her kid!!

I'm not saying that you or his dad are forgetful, but I do think that this behavior is as much genetic as it is learned (perhaps more so). I think you have pretty well proven that he can't be punished into remembering.

Bummer that I haven't the vaguest idea how to help. But I did want to say that not all bevhavoirs are learned.

[sunnysideup]

Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom

I think that's our main issue here. He was basically raised that he didn't need to be responsible, and in the end, he'd be nicely rewarded FOR being irresponsible... How do you fix that at 10 years old??

It is really hard to unlearn bad habits that have gone on this long. And, it sounds like you've tried keeping on him about this to no avail. Have you tried just ignoring it?

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

It was pretty much completely ignored up until early last year. (other than being bought new jackets, it was ignored)

Last year, the family grew, SO and DSS, became SO, myself, DSS and DD...lol So we really just couldn't let him think we could afford to just keep replacing things. (we were also at a point of trying to get grandma to stop replacing etc, and we couldn't afford it. But we also felt it wasn't her place to do so)

There were times where we wanted to simply say 'fine, you lose it, you don't have it', and send him out without his jacket, in hopes that maybe he'd learn then. But, we couldn't go through with it. We didn't feel right sending him out with no jacket when it was chilly enough to see your breath etc etc. (or ANY other time, when we normally would).

We've tried being the role model. Like, everytime we leave somewhere, stop at the door and say things like 'okay, what do I need, keys, purse etc etc', no matter where we are. Trying to teach to stop and think before just up and running out. (btw- he has frequently left things like shoes, backpack etc, when his dad picks him up at someone's house, he just runs out the door without a second thought, so we've tried working on that)..


The only good thing, is that, well, DD gets upset if she even takes one step out of the house without remembering something of hers..lol She's doing well remembering..lol


So, from here, I don't know what to do.

We have decided to talk with him tonight. Nothing bad, nothing demeaning etc, but point out that he's lost several nice jackets, a nice lunchbox, a couple of of video game times, things he will not get back etc. And that maybe it's time for him to start thinking about that etc. Like, actually verbally remind him of the things he will never get back, and how very preventable that is etc...

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom

There were times where we wanted to simply say 'fine, you lose it, you don't have it', and send him out without his jacket, in hopes that maybe he'd learn then. But, we couldn't go through with it. We didn't feel right sending him out with no jacket when it was chilly enough to see your breath etc etc. (or ANY other time, when we normally would).
We have decided to talk with him tonight. Nothing bad, nothing demeaning etc, but point out that he's lost several nice jackets, a nice lunchbox, a couple of of video game times, things he will not get back etc. And that maybe it's time for him to start thinking about that etc. Like, actually verbally remind him of the things he will never get back, and how very preventable that is etc...

Have you read Parenting with Love and Logic? It is by Jim Fay and Foster Cline. I took a class at our local hospital on L & L. Really good.

One thing it teaches is that only one of us needs to worry about it. If you are willing to worry, keep track, ask, remind him about his coat, he knows he doesn't really need to spend any energy on it himself - you will take care of it. If you COMPLETELY let it go - no reminders, no looks, absolutely nothing - then he will, by the consequence of being cold, start thinking about it himself.

Also learned that if we talk about (nag, whatever you want to call it) something negative - they forgot their coat for example - the child isn't thinking for one minute "I should remember my coat next time". What he IS thinking is what jerks we are for pointing out his mistakes and rubbing his nose in them once again. Or maybe he is thinking that he can really get you and dad riled up with this issue - his power trip.

It says that you are in southern California? How cold does it get? How long is he out in it? If it is just walking two blocks to the bus stop, and he lost/forgot his coat again, he will not frostbite in those five minutes. But the cold will teach him much faster than reminding, nagging, grounding ever will IMO. I don't think it is cruel; you are not sending him to the ski slopes for six hours in a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. He is also not two or four; he is ten. Let the natural consequences of losing/forgetting his coat do the teaching.

Also, I would not buy more coats or allow gramma to. I think instead of grounding him from xyz, I'd do two things. I'd let him buy a new coat with his allowance/birthday money. The second thing is not very love and logic-y because it is not linked to the issue, but you could also allow him to play Gamecube (or whatever his thing is) on the days he comes home from school with his coat.

I think that if you and SO can tough it out and let him be cold a little, the issue would solve itself. If he loses his lunchbox, he takes lunch to school in a paper bag or gallon ziplock. If he loses a videogame, he doesn't have that videogame to play anymore. Just bite your tongue and don't lecture about it. If he complains about it, be sympathetic - "that's a bummer" in an honest voice - but nothing else.

And for the record, I think it is great that you are supporting your SO in what he does with his ds. Stepparenting must be tough but it sounds like you are doing really well with it. Good luck with the coat problem.

[aisraeltax]

i took a class kind of like that and did stop nagging him about it, but he still lost jackets. i had to buy one this year and he actually still has it...i don't think he's going to lose it b/c last year he went almost 1/2 the year w/ a jacket from Goodwill b/c i refused to buy a third or fourth jacket, kwim???

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Okay, gonna try to touch on a few things. Yes, we're in Southern California, but I can't tell you how surprised people are by how chilly it gets in the mornings. It has been between 30-45 where I am right now in the mornings. This week the high was 60, which for us is feeling chilly (especially after this weekend it was up to 85).

He stands outside of school for sometimes up to half an hour. On days that SO takes him to his (SO's) mom's before school, it's a several block walk to get to the school (I wanna say 5 or 6).

I will have to talk to SO about the no jacket thing. In the past I was much more for it (oh well, if he loses it, he goes without), but grandma is SO's mother, and if her behavior gives you any inkling of how he was raised, you might get the picture..lol So, he just thought it was plain evil, and convinced me of that fact honestly. I also think for him he was worried I was simply trying to be the 'evil step-mother', we're working on those insecurities too..lol)

We have stopped the jacket buying and have told everyone else to do so as well. I have said if someone else buys one, it goes back, but my SO thinks that's rude as it would be a 'gift', I think it's rude to give someone something when you were asked specifically not to, lol, but that's a whole other post...lol

Of course, with it slowly becoming spring, the problem will go away until school starts up again...lol

As for the lunchbox, he takes the ugly brown paper bags now, with no chance of another lunch box until he pays for it himself...lol


I'm curious today to see if he comes home with both his jacket AND the homework from yesterday...lol

Will probably update.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Originally Posted by aisraeltax

i took a class kind of like that and did stop nagging him about it, but he still lost jackets. i had to buy one this year and he actually still has it...i don't think he's going to lose it b/c last year he went almost 1/2 the year w/ a jacket from Goodwill b/c i refused to buy a third or fourth jacket, kwim???

While I would go for this, SO and grandma, would not. Grandman would take pity and take him out without asking us, and buy him something new and expensive, and SO would simply accept kindly because 1, 'we can't tell other people what gifts to give us' *rolls eyes*, and 2, WE aren't payi9ng for it, so what's the big deal?...

Although, I will admit, the longer it goes on, the more willing SO seems to be with trying a different approach..lol (as in, this is the first time EVER DSS has been grounded, that is how upset SO has become over the loss of all these jackets)

So maaaaaybe there's hope! Wish me luck

[Jane]

Maybe part of the problem is that he just doesn't get cold? Perhaps he doesn't need a jacket?

There are those guys I know that wear shorts year-round. Presumably, they were kids once, too?

Otherwise, I would suggest that he have as much structure as possible - always take the same # of things to school, have the same afterschool program, have the same # of binders, pencils, etc. so he doesn't have to remember what he brought *Today* but instead remember one supply list.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Oh this kid shivers when it's 70 inside..lol He gets cold MUCH faster than the average person...lol


Honestly, we CANNOT make it so he does the same things everyday. We also CANNOT make it so he takes a jacket everyday, that would include sending him with one on days of 100 degree heat, and well, I'm sure you can see where that would lead (I;d probably lose MY jacket under that circumstance as well..lol)

As for the same afterschool activity. Impossible. We have one car, and after school he either walks to the grandma's (and either spends time there or gets driven home, depending on her day/work schedule), or his biomom picks him up for either 2 hours or 5 hours depending on HER schedule. We've worked on a MORE structured plan, but peoples lives change, and we can't stop that.

However, this summer we'll be moving to where we can walk to and from school, and that won't be MUCH of an issues except the days his mom will get him. But that won't be for another 6 months.


Thank you for the suggestion, I do truly appreciate each and every one. But yeah, with only 1 car and crazy gas prices and an SO who works a half hour away (so I can't drop him off and keep the car... can't afford that much gas!!), it limits what we can do, regarding after school structure.

(which is also why we can't simply say 'hey do you have your jacket' right away, cause we can't go get him at school)

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Originally Posted by Apricot

have the same # of binders, pencils, etc. so he doesn't have to remember what he brought *Today* but instead remember one supply list.

Oh and he loses the pencils, sharpeners, erasers etc etc etc as well...lol So that doesn't work either..

[Jane]

Ah, that makes sense. Poor kid - frequently loses his jacket and he especially hates to be cold. I understand why his grandma kept buying jackets. Not that I agree with it, but I understand.
No matter how much you try to arrange things to help him, there are a lot of adults in your son's life with other ideas and other plans and other needs. Maybe he'll be outgrow it?

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Well, he's home. Remembered his jacket, and did the homework at school.

But while I was putting his laundry away, realized, some of his PANTS are missing I asked where they are 'I dunno'... *sighs* PANTS!

So yeah. I think it's also time to have a talk with grandma and biomom about when he sleeps over their houses etc.

[Altair]

Have you talked to his teachers about created a behavior plan and expectation checklist?

There are many children who do not NATURALLY have organizational skills and need to to taught each, point by point. You can change your mindframe from punishment to teach. Not naturally developing organizational skills is not something that a punishment will fix. Is there a chance he has mild ADHD or ADHD shadow tendencies? (even without hyperactivity?) Often, kids with shadows of ADHD need extremely explicit organizational training. One of the teachers in my school has adult ADHD and he is contantly teaching us how many kids do not have these skills and how we can best teach them.

I would come up with a few plans on your own and then have a conference with his teacher regarding implementation. Here are some things I would do as a teacher:

- create a laminated "Expectation book" that he carries with him at all times. It can be on index cards and kept in his pocket, or even smaller and kept in a badge holder on a string around his neck... or just in a book that goes from desk to bookbag and home every day. In the book, put in a lot of digital pictures of him doing the things each page says. For each "chapter" focus on a new skill. tell him what he needs to do in each scenerio. (ex: "chapter 1. In the mornings, I walk into my classroom and hang up my coat. (check box) Next, I unpack my school bag and put my homework in the red bin. (check box)... etc.) Put a big box next to each sentence so that each day he can check the box (dry erase marker). For the chapter involving leaving the school, I would include a space for his teacher to sign, verifying that everything is in the right place.

The point of all this is to foster a "mental checklist" everytime he leaves somewhere. People with good organizational skills naturally do this, while other people leave places without thinking back to what they need first.

Depending on the child, if I felt like i REALLY needed to, I might attach a reward to getting all checks all day. I'd prefer not to though. You're not teaching independent organizational skills if it's tied to reward/punishment, but some kids do need that extra motivator. I would NOT punish as a result of not having checks, that will breed negativity into the system.



My point is that you need to start from the ground up and have a VERY explicit, organized system to start out just to teach him those skills. As time goes by and he is successful with the system, you wean him off of parts. If the system isn't working, you find a new one. he NEEDS to be taught these skills, every kid CAN be taught anything, you just need to find the way that clicks.

hope that helps.

[Starr]

Does he get an allowance? Maybe he needs to save or earn his own money and have you take him to whatever store he wants and he can look at, browse, and pay for his next one. That way he knows for one they aren't cheap and will remember what he had to do to get one.