help! (can't think of a title) - Page 2

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Originally Posted by Apricot

Ah, that makes sense. Poor kid - frequently loses his jacket and he especially hates to be cold. I understand why his grandma kept buying jackets. Not that I agree with it, but I understand.
No matter how much you try to arrange things to help him, there are a lot of adults in your son's life with other ideas and other plans and other needs. Maybe he'll be outgrow it?

Could you explain it to me, cause i DON'T understand...lol He ALWAYS had MORE at home, he's NEVER had less than 3 jackets at a time... So WHY did she continue to constantly buy him new ones, if it was just a heated car-drive away to his others at home?? Seriously. To me, it was disrespecting something we specifically asked, and not just to be mean, but to help him to learn that things aren't always gonna be magically replaced in life at someone else's expense...

Was I really wrong to think/feel that way? (be honest)

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Originally Posted by Altair

Have you talked to his teachers about created a behavior plan and expectation checklist?

There are many children who do not NATURALLY have organizational skills and need to to taught each, point by point. You can change your mindframe from punishment to teach. Not naturally developing organizational skills is not something that a punishment will fix. Is there a chance he has mild ADHD or ADHD shadow tendencies? (even without hyperactivity?) Often, kids with shadows of ADHD need extremely explicit organizational training. One of the teachers in my school has adult ADHD and he is contantly teaching us how many kids do not have these skills and how we can best teach them.

I would come up with a few plans on your own and then have a conference with his teacher regarding implementation. Here are some things I would do as a teacher:

First, I'm the step-mother, not legally yet though. So technically, dad's live-in girlfriend. I raise the child, feed him, wash his clothing, pay for his food with my paycheck, BUT I have no rights to to the parent-teacher thing I could go with SO, however, we have no childcare for the kids, and most times, he just goes alone.

I have asked him countless times 'ask DSS's teacher about this', please help with this etc etc... In the end, HE does not think that's the way to go, and legally I have not one leg to stand on. I can call the school all I want, but I'm not mom, dad, or even recognized step-parent I NEED to go through SO, and well, that doesn't work.


Same for bringing up ADHD. I've brought this up COUNTLESS times as well. SO feels that I'm attacking him as a father when I do. That I'm telling him his son is defective etc etc. See how far THAT gets me? lol But again, I cannot get him to a dr etc.

Although, yesterday grandma even asked me if I thought he had ADHD!! I was SHOCKED!! So I told her exactly what I just told you guys about SO thinking I'm attacking his parenting, and asked if she could bring this up with SO. I think he'd deal with it better coming from her, or knowing that someone who has ALWAYS been in DSS"s life is saying it too, and not just the 'evil step-mother' (see how that HORRIBLE label is making my life HELL, and how I really feel is preventing SO from seeing the VALID concerns I have for his child. And no, SO NEVER uses that term, but it's how I feel he thinks the way he talks sometimes about how I'm 'attacking his son' and 'attacking his parenting' )

upset-rant over...lol Sorry about that.

This has just been going on for so long, and I feel so completely helpless and useless. I'm not a legal parent at all to this child, so there's only so much I can do before I have to pass it on to SO and simply HOPE he understands where I'm coming from




And to answer one question. He USED to get an allowance, which was earned by completely chores. He would, however, complete mayeb 1/4 of the chores, and expect the full allowance. So, there were issues there, and there's not been an allowance since.

[Jane]

She was disrespecting you, but I feel for the kid - always loosing things, can't keep track even when he tries, and COLD. I don't think you're wrong. The loving thing, the thing that helps him later in life, is to keep him warm, but not buy him new jackets. The thoughtfully loved COLD child is wearing one of grandma's old sweatshirts to return to her later. The loved (but someone didn't think it through) COLD child is wearing a new jacket from grandma.

I've heard some financial gurus suggest a 2 part allowance and 2 part chore list. One part of the allowance and the chores are for being a member of the family and one part of each is for performance.
I'll give an example. A 10 year old might get $10 available for every two weeks.
He gets $5 no matter what he does around the house
He does chores like make his bed, sort his laundry, and put his dishes in the dishwasher for no money. He loses privledges but not money for not doing these. These are designed to lessen his actual footprint on the house and take care of himself. The goal is to have the 14-16 year old doing his own stuff, laundry, dishes, etc. so he is prepared for life. With love and care and acknowledgement that he is learning and is not expected to be perfect.
He has the option to get up to $5 more if he does above and beyond chores, like weeding or washing the car or whatever you actually need done.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Thanks for all the replies. I really do appreciate it, and it's helping to get it off my chest.

I just sent SO a long email about how we ALLOW DSS to leave clothing and things at people's houses, and how I'm now feeling guilty that we've been enabling this behavior and then go and punish him for it. I don't feel like that was the right thing to do.

I also went on this tangent (which, in hindsight, probably wasn't the best) about how by next week, I'd like that to change. I want all clothing etc left at others' houses home, and that when he leaves things he will no longer have them. Perhaps start a good will box, or a box in which he can slowly earn them back. *sighs* I probably shouldn't have gone on that rant, and have a feeling SO will probably feel I'm attacking DSS again, and know that things WON'T be changing..

I'm just having a very hard time sitting on the sidelines, and feeling like SO doesn't care to hear some of my suggestions for help, and then gets frustrated when the same old same old isn't working... Or he'll listen, and then never put into action because 'well, MY mom can spoil him as much as she wants, nevermind if it's undermining me as a parent' (which he doesn't see it that way, but I truly do).


(see my issues with the MIL? lol I love her, she's sweet and generous, but I really do think she's believes she's the superior parent, even to her grandchildren, like 'well, grandma says so, so it's goes over mom and dads head')

Sorry, lots of off topic rants coming out here...lol

[Strong Mama]

My ds was forgetting too. Until I pinned on his shirt like a kindergartener *dont forget jacket/homework and he was totally embarassed..He doesnt foget it now!

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Originally Posted by FEDUP

My ds was forgetting too. Until I pinned on his shirt like a kindergartener *dont forget jacket/homework and he was totally embarassed..He doesnt foget it now!

My intention isn't to humiliate him though, my intention is to help him learn that throughout life, when he loses things they're not gonna be magically replaced with someone else's money. RIght now, yes, he's young, and I get that, but what's so wrong with teaching him we live with modest means, now?

Honestly, I'm sure it did work for you, but your suggestion feels really uncomfortable to me, and I would feel pretty cruel to do that do DSS. I don't see any reason to humiliate him in front of his classmates/teachers etc.

[Marsupialmom]

I think the other lady's said alot about the jacket. I personally would make him replace the item(s).

As for the pencils and erasers........I am 32 years old and I have that issue! I don't send my kids to school but I stock up in August. Having those so he doesn't have to take them back and forth is a good idea.

[Strong Mama]

It wasnt that bad of a humiliation. And it worked. My ds is the most stubbornest person in the world, and he does not have any sort of disability as you say you may suspect in your step son(add/adhd) . I tried everything to help my ds (12) remember to bring his coats home. They cost money. He didnt care of the value of things. He bought himself a coat,lost it ,and shrugged his shoulders and said..youll buy me another one. : My ds is the most popular boy in his class..so I thought..what would STICK in his mind to help him remember. And I came up with the pinning thing. I am sure nobody even cared it was there..but he did. And it stuck in his mind really good and he rarely forgets now. I know it may sound drastic, but IMO it wasnt mean it was right for my ds' personality, its the way he learns.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom

I think the other lady's said alot about the jacket. I personally would make him replace the item(s).

As for the pencils and erasers........I am 32 years old and I have that issue! I don't send my kids to school but I stock up in August. Having those so he doesn't have to take them back and forth is a good idea.

Yeah, we don't care about the pencils etc, (those don't cost $20 a pop..lol) and every August I not only buy him which kind he asks for (1 box, of WHATever he chooses), I then buy 2-3 boxes of the cheaper plain old pencil. I do the same with erasers etc etc. I also buy 2 sharpeners. One for his bag (which he can keep at school, or in his bag), and one that stays here always (which the year before my DD managed to lose actually..lol)

So, when he loses the nice ones he picked out, it's back to the plain old ones I got, and he gets 1 at a time. I still have a nice stock of pencils, erasers and pencil grips in the pantry..lol

We know those things get lost, and are easily replaced, even on a tight budget. We're not concerned about that.


It's the things that we can't always just jump up and replace (sometimes $20 IS hard to come by for us, although our budget seems to be getting better)

Originally Posted by FEDUP

He bought himself a coat,lost it ,and shrugged his shoulders and said..youll buy me another one.

This definitley is NOT the case with my DSS. He doesn't SAY those things, but we do know he expects them, that's what we're working on, the expectations. But he doesn't come right out and say 'oh well, you'll replace it'...

On a whole, he is a very good boy. Doesn't get in trouble, makes good grades etc. And with HIS personality, it would be horribly cruel for us to stick on a note on his chest like a 4 year old. He's shy and has a very hard time making friends, every little thing that makes him different, to HIM, sticks out in his mind, and he worries about it. (the other night at dinner, his worry of the day was about his height, and do I think he's average height, and how tall do I think he'll be etc etc).

I don't see the point in giving him something else to worry about. Especially not over a jacket. His self-esteem is MUCH more important.

[aisraeltax]

i have to say he sounds a lot like my ds1, who does have ADD. we tried medication w/ him, but to his credit, he refused to take it (it did work to keep him more organized but now that all this research has come out liking it with heart disease, im glad we stopped it).
he has to learn on his own. i was struck by your comment that you are "enabling" him to be like this. It doesn't sound that way at all. Parents are concerned, and losing a jacket is a big thing, but a jacket is also necessary, so replacing it isn't the most horrible thing for you/others to do. What i did was based on finances as much as trying to prove a point, and i continue to do it. The year i bought a jacket for ds1 at Goodwill was after i had spent almost $100 on 2 jackets (almost $200). There was NO WAY i was going to shell out that kind of money again. Each year, i try to find a jacket that is nice for him and that he likes, but that i am not going to go crazy about if he loses. This year we went to LLBean outlet and he got a great jacket for $50. BUT, the jacket he WANTED was $150!!! IF he manages not to lose this jacket (so far so good) them maybe next year he will get what he wants.
i think there needs to be consequences, but i also think this is more of a boy thing than a girl thing...and i know if i tried to laminate anything for my son, he would just use it (after telling me how dorky it is). Im not saying its not a good idea (it is)...just that it wouldnt work with my son. He rebels against things like that and thats his personality....i don't try to change the fact that he is a minature me, thus a bit of a rebel.
good luck
rach

[Strong Mama]

Well that definitely would not be good to use in your ss' case if he is shy. It was just a suggestion just like anyone else would suggest things on here to help or what worked for them. My ds' self esteem is WAY up there(sometimes too much lol) and he thinks he is ALL that a bag of potato chips...we ummm encouraged it too much in his younger years I think! Perhaps he is doing it for the attention he gets? I dont know. I know that it is normal for all preteens to start forgetting things..things like pencils, etc dont really matter but they do add up for sure! If he does have add/adhd he really cant help himself in forgetting things. Maybe try to give him an omega 3 supplement? And if he writes himself a list of *things to do* and stick it somewhere where he will remember things, it might help a bit. My son forgets homework...assignments, etc...and I asked him why and he said (and these are his words( *im too lazy to write it down mom!)
I am sorry if I missed this in above posts, but where is the mom? Maybe he is thinking about *things* and forgetting other things. I hope you can work it out somehow. You did make me feel kinda bad about what I did for my sons forgetfulness, though I know I did what would work for his attitude and spirited personality. All children arent the same and I am sure you appreciate that. Good luck with your ss!

[Marsupialmom]

have you checked out thrift stores for coats? Make him earn the money to buy them.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom

have you checked out thrift stores for coats? Make him earn the money to buy them.

I definitley think this is our next step.

We have already gone down from all of his jackets being no less than like $40, to not going higher than $20 for them. (ya know, getting the less and less nice ones each time).

The last one he lost was one he picked out that cost $12...Nothing wonderful, but still, money just the same...

We have decided we will be buying no more this year, period. But I think next time, we'll be going the thrift store route, it's just too difficult to keep up with.

Thanks for the replies and suggestions, I'm not nearly as worked up about this today as I was when I posted. Thank you

[HeatherHeather]

You know, I actually have a slightly different viewpoint on his forgetting. It sounds like there has been a lot of changes going on in his life the past few years. My 10 yo sometimes forgets her homework, her clothes at gymnastics, etc. This usually happens when she is feeling rushed, etc. I know on the days that her class at school is late in starting to pack up for the day, she forgets something. I can only imagine how difficult it is for your ds to remember what goes to which house, etc.

[MidwifeErika]

I just wanted to post to tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel.... I WAS this child! I was soooooo forgetful, it isn't even funny. One day I actually went to school.... without a shirt on!!!!!!!!!!! I forgot it!!! I had thrown a jacket over my bra while waiting for my shirt to dry and forgot to ever put it on, my dad had to drive me back home again (he taught in my school) so I could put a shirt on.

I used to always forget my homework, jackets, boots, etc. My parents nagged me and then finally by around age 10 or so they decided to let me understand natural conciquences to my actions. If I lost my jacket, I was going to have to wear some old nasty hand-me-down from my sister (or my parents too) until I came up with the money to buy my own. Or I might have some gross one from a thrift store that was UGLY. They wouldn't let me go without for more than a day or two because I lived in minnesota and it could be deadly to go without. If I left my boots somewhere, I couldn't play outside until I bought new ones and my feet would get wet anytime I went out. If I failed in school because of forgetting to do my homework, I would be grounded for that. After I had braces, my parents warned me that they would only buy 1 retainer, but that it was a requirment that I kept a retainer or else they would charge me for the full cost of the braces. I lost my retainer.... so guess what was my birthday pressent for my 16th birthday? Yep, a brand new retainer... that I actually still have today

It was through all of this that I did eventually learn on my own how to organize my brain so that I don't lose the important stuff. My house is sooooo full of sticky notes that I make to myself, it is a bit ridiculous. So far I have never left my children anywhere either So, just know that eventually he will find his own way. He will figure out that if he doesn't want whatever negative consequence there is for something, then there is a way he can keep from getting there. I wish you lots of patience though, it must be frustrating to deal with as a parent!

[party_of_seven]

I agree with following the natural consequences route...even my 8yo has learned a great deal of responsibility this way. She is horrible about leaving library books outside and they get wet. She has had to earn the money to replace them herself and pay the fines. She doesn't leave library books outside anymore. We have a tight budget, and my kids know that if they intentionally destroy something or are clearly irresponsible with something of value that they have been warned about they will be the ones paying for the replacement....shoes, jackets, library books, bikes..etc.


I hope you find some balance and a solution to your situation.

[Ooey]

I haven't read all the posts in this thread so forgive me if someone else has already suggested this...

My 11 year old brother has the same problem. Only for him, we're lucky if he makes it out the door of the house with the jacket on, which is not good when you live in a snowy tundra. This was really stressing out my mom, him always being without his jacket (and usually homework too) when there is no excuse for him not to have it, especially with everyone costantly reminding him. So I thought maybe if he got a jacket from his cool older sister *me* he would like it so much as to not lose it somewhere. For his birthday I went and had a sports jacket personalized with his name, his basketball team number and "MVP" on the front of it. It's a really "cool" looking jacket and he get's a lot of complements on it from other kids. He really loves it and wears it to school almost every day. Although some of his other jackets (and gloves, hats, backpacks) have continued to go missing, this jacket has stayed put for almost a year now.

Maybe after all this has calmed down a bit and he's been off punishment for it for a while, you can get him a nice jacket, something that he would consider cool, maybe something his favorite actor or singer would wear, and personalize it with his name.