the trans thread - Page 3

[mshollyk]

AmazoniaBelly: i have the enell bra. i wore it out to my best friend's bday party last week, and DP said, "did you get your boobs flat enough?" he also made some comment about how my going to the gym is to make me butch

[seedgirl]

Originally Posted by tara

A slightly OT aside: Jackson recently heard someone say 'husband' and he didn't know what the word meant. The friend explained and Jackson said, "Oh! You mean partner!".

That's hilarious! I've got one: At dinner on the night we decided to tell the kids that 'Mama' *really* would prefer to be called 'Daddy', our eldest (5) got indignant and insisted that 2 moms were way beter than a mom and a dad. I won her over by hinting that we might get to have a wedding and that she could be in it. : )

I havent really joined the thread, but have read and am so happy to know there are others out there. My partner is pre-op FTM. Top surgury and T are planned for the summer. Big changes for us....

[tara]

Hey, seedgirl. Welcome! How are you feeling about those big changes? I remember a lot of trepidation before that first shot...

[RiverSky]

.

[mshollyk]

you know, i had never heard of Alexis Arquette until yesterday when my best friend told me that he'd met her, and since then, i saw something in one of the gay rags about her, and now this what a fabulous family the Arquettes are anyway, trans people are getting a lot of exposure these days. i think it's a GREAT thing

[RiverSky]

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[mshollyk]

oh thank you for that link! she's totally fabulous

this morning, i saw that my light on the answering machine was blinking, so i listened to the latest message. it was a female-sounding voice, and she was talking about my best friend's city (we live about two hours from each other) and my best friend was doing lights at a drag show, so i figured it was one of the drag queens. so when my best friend finally woke up and called me, he told me that he met this girl who was a lesbian, high femme, fag identified (she does drag, like i do), who likes trannybois. wow, can our world get complicated or what I LOVE IT!!!!

[seedgirl]

Originally Posted by tara

Hey, seedgirl. Welcome! How are you feeling about those big changes? I remember a lot of trepidation before that first shot...

thanks. Im excited and nervous for all of us. Its so different to transition after having kids. Much more complicated. I think the thing Im most nervous about is how he will look in a few years.

[tara]

Definitely more complicated. Re: how he will look - the interesting thing is, the changes happen so gradually that you just absorb them. You don't have to get used to it all at once, yk?

[Beastie]

welcome, seedgirl. that IS some big stuff. but Tara's right that it happens slowly, so that you never find yourself waking up next to a stranger, yk? one thing is that it's like a whle new puberty, so transition can come with that whole range of mood swings, self obsession, and exploration of self. but as long as you keep talking the whole way through, and as long as he knows that you're having a big transition too, i think you'll be ok...

anyway, i'm glad that yo're here.

simone

[crunchyconmomma]

need to vent to partners OF trans

i really need a vent.

feeling totally gypped right now. I am so angry these last few days. I have been reading "she's not there" (hence use of the word 'gypped!') and can relate entirely to everything boylan writes as grace's words/feelings.

now hormones start next week. many times before he came out i felt that parenting with him was often unfair because i felt like the only grown-up who was focussing on what the kids need. and now i am realizing why folks often say "it will probably get worse before it gets better." the self-absorption of this adolescence lasts how long? PLEASE tell me it is so short lived that I will be able to endure the frustration! i am just NOT in the mood to lose my husband and our LIFE as a happily married man and woman to have to parent two little boys and teenage girl ALL ALONE.

we had found some really terrific therapists and right after our first appointment i was feeling sensational. (anyone living in PA, if you are anywhere sort of near carlisle and need a therapist - these two are soooooo worth it! PM me or search dr becky's site) but now that i am reading "she's not there" i am in this funk of feeling really rotten. the book just made me think about the feelings i was suppressing in order to survive.

i gotta say though, i am REALLY impressed with how jenny boylan wrote the book. she exposed the raw, painful realities of this situation for people in a serious relationship and that took some guts. kudos to her for setting a new hallmark (IMO) in trans literature! anyone that has not read it, ESPECIALLY those in a stright union that changed with a MtF transition - it is fabulous.

[MichelleW]

Crunchyconmomma, I've never heard of that book before, and for now I cannot speak from experience to calm you. My partner should be starting T in a couple months, and meanwhile we are TTC. I know it will be tough -- both of us self-centred -- but we are both aware that it may get VERY difficult, and can at least admit that now (before it happens), and hopefully that helps. We know tough times are ahead, but we also believe these changes will makes us happier, both individually & as a couple.
In the meantime, I guess all I can suggest is making sure you are getting what you need -- that you are sure you are getting what you need. If you need space from your partner's self-absorbtion, make sure you get it, however possible (a weekend away, a space in the house for just you, a nearby park you can go to, etc)
I am glad you can turn to us & good luck! s

[Beastie]

hi crunchyconmomma.

my partner's an ftm, not an mtf, so i can't offer help from my personal experience. i do have several friends who are in relationships that started out as "straight" unions and then had to grow and develop when the once-male-identified partner transitioned. from the folks i know, one of the biggest issues isn't about trans stuff, but about queer stuff in general.

after all, this isn't just about your partner's transition, or even your feelings toward her, but also about a pretty huge transition in how you two are percieved in the world. how are you feeling about that part of things?

I don't bring this up to confuse an already tough situation, but just because it might be helpful to figure out exactly what you're feeling "gypped" about. It seems like part of what you're mourning is the loss of the traditional mom, dad, and kids set up...

At any rate, as Michelle says, the best thing is to take care of you. Maybe individual therapy in addition to your shared theraptist? Or journaling, alone time, talking to us a lot?

Please let us know what kinds of support you need!

Simone

[knittinanny]

Have any of you heard of/seen the film "Transparent"? It was showing at the London LGBT film festival last week; it's worth looking up online. It's all about transmen at various stages of identification who are raising children. Pretty cool.

Jumping into this thread a bit late, but I never have time on the computer. :-)

[crunchyconmomma]

well, i totally agree with you both about needing to take care of my needs during this time, but i am not so good at that because DP and I have always been so "co-dependent" (made jokes about that and all of our friends talked about this "flaw" in us) - we had no separate interests. so getting my needs met outside of us feels like a betrayal or an infidelity and i really AM just talking about something like going to the bookstore for an hour alone!!! She'll say that's fine, but she means, "well, if you HAVE to go someone to get away from me, fine." we are so doggone passive aggressive it's sick!

Originally Posted by schess

after all, this isn't just about your partner's transition, or even your feelings toward her, but also about a pretty huge transition in how you two are percieved in the world. how are you feeling about that part of things?

I don't bring this up to confuse an already tough situation, but just because it might be helpful to figure out exactly what you're feeling "gypped" about. It seems like part of what you're mourning is the loss of the traditional mom, dad, and kids set up...

At any rate, as Michelle says, the best thing is to take care of you. Maybe individual therapy in addition to your shared theraptist? Or journaling, alone time, talking to us a lot?

Please let us know what kinds of support you need!

Simone

Simone, you are exactly right - it is about the mourning for me. I suspect that all of you have heard or thought about how the spouse who is NOT trans goes through the stages of grief, and i am in the place of mourning what was. i have admitted to DP that right now I am just in this giant pity party mode because I celebrated everything that was so "man" about her. ours was a very nice balance, somewhat because she did such a good job of hiding the side of her that was unhappy being "my man."

so i don't know how much of it is what thing - stepping out and identifying as "non-traditional" maybe lesbian, maybe just not wanting to give up male parts and male hormones and male-ness in my mate...i don't know.... i do know i feel like my husband is dying and i am grieving that loss, with all the complications that assumes psychologically.

thanks for listening and most especially for not coming down on me. that's the best support. i have noticed a tendency in some people to perceive any difficulty in universally accepting the trans stuff without any sadenss or discontent as a weakness or character flaw. this stuff takes time because it's new. it's been 4 months since i found out and it has honestly turned my world upside down.

[tara]

fwiw, I didn't handle my partner being trans well at all at first, and it took me a lot longer than 4 months to get a handle on it. You're doing fine, crunchy.

[Beastie]

First of all, crunchy, I think you're allowed to be having a pity party for yourself right now. Like Tara says above, this is a huge transition for you, and it's going to come with all kinds of perfectly valid big feelings. Some of those can change over time, and some can feel pretty permanent. After all, in the posts above, you can see that even when the transition is far behind, there are still losses and moments of longing, like I sometimes have for being visibly queer, or for being in a relationship with a woman.

Plus, as much as I get sad about people not thinking I'm queer anymore, I know that with Max's transition I ended up in a place of real comfort-- most of the world thinks we're straight, and then I get to come out and feel political and radical, but that's my choice in each instance.

Since your DP is transitioning MTF, though, you're in a spot where your newy visibly queer family will have to be "out" a lot of the time.

My point here isn't to scare you, but to honor what a big risk this is for you, and to let you know that I appreciate how scary this is, and that I think you're pretty amazing for sticking with it and facing that challenge.

Oh, and another thing (forgive me if I go on and on...) is that you don't have to be angry at yourself for liking "male" parts of your partner. Just because she's been hating them for so long, doesn't mean that your attraction to those elements of her was oppressive or wrong. You get to love her however you know how, and now you get to see her more fully as she can express herself freely. As she works through her transition pysically and emotionally, both of you will get to find out how attraction works for you guys. And who knows, maybe some of the elements you like best will still be there, loud and clear!

Thinking of you and sending big your way,
Simone (longest poster ever)

[moonypadfoot]

Originally Posted by knittinanny

Have any of you heard of/seen the film "Transparent"? It was showing at the London LGBT film festival last week; it's worth looking up online. It's all about transmen at various stages of identification who are raising children. Pretty cool.

Jumping into this thread a bit late, but I never have time on the computer. :-)

I'm new here. I'm Logan, and I was in Transparent. I have two kids, ages 7 and 9, one I birthed and one I adopted. I hope that one day the film reaches a wider audience, even though I had just started T when it was filmed 4 years ago and I cringe to see myself now.

[crunchyconmomma]

Originally Posted by schess

Since your DP is transitioning MTF, though, you're in a spot where your newy visibly queer family will have to be "out" a lot of the time.

My point here isn't to scare you, but to honor what a big risk this is for you, and to let you know that I appreciate how scary this is, and that I think you're pretty amazing for sticking with it and facing that challenge.

Simone (longest poster ever)

Thanks for that part about "honoring" - that was a really nice thing to say! We have some great t6herapists, but they are REALLY-SUPER-pro trans and pro-keeping-us-together so they don't exactly "honor" a lot of my feelings because unfortunately my feelings are often things that could be viewed as threatening to the relationship is we dwell on them, i guess. but they are valid feelings that i need to address to make progress. anyway....long way to say it, but thanks!

and on a positive update note: the hormones DP are taking are starting to take some effect (nothing radical yet) and she is uncovering some depth to her that i am just enamored with! it's some uncomfortable stuff emotionally for her, but i always think that going into the pain and examining it helps you to grow as a person and that's what this is all about!
the big disappointment here is that she has said all along she would keep a journal and STILL has yet to start it, so all the insights along the way are going to be lost. (oh, i want to get my PhD in Psych, so she was going to keep this journal for that purpose as well as her own keeping). oh well!

now...this movie....is it in video stores or only throught the library or a retailer online or what?????

[Beastie]

first of all, welcome, logan: . i knew there had to be some ftm dads lurking out here on MDC! it feels nice for this little thread to slowly grow!

i agree with crunchyconmomma, though, that it's hard to know where the film is being distributed. will you let us know?

meanwhile, crunchy, it sounds like you're in a better place, even though your therapy isn't entirely focused on your needs. how cool that she's feeling the hormones, or that she's opening up o her own, assisted by the hormones, or whatever! If she won't keep a journal, maybe you should, not about her per se, but about your process and experience. I'm not a psychologist, but I think your viewpoint and experience as a partner are just as valid, interesting and important to chronicle and study...