Your Cheatin' Heart (long) - Page 2

[simonee]

Originally posted by justagirl
If more people started doing it, maybe more women would think twice about screwing around w/married men.

Sorry, justagirl, I think you got the perp wrong here. It's the married man who was at fault here. A single woman can screw around with whoever she wants ~ it's the partnered person who should abstain from that.

Anyhoo, Kathleen I've been reading this thread with great admiration for you. Your h sounds like a very immature, selfish man, and you're obviously very strong and caring. You'll come out of this fine, and your children will be so much better off without this man as a continuous presence in their lives. Wishing you much strength and peace

[Alenushka]

Life is not ally McBeal

"If more people started doing it, maybe more women would think twice about
screwing around w/married men."

Men are not little boys lead to sin by Jezebels. If you assume that this is how world is
and men have no control over their penises, we all might as well cover ourselves with
burkas, as to protect men from sin
Married men or women, were not a piece of property with a stake and a sing on it
"Do no thread on me", they are human being with desires and wants. And if
someone, men or women, decides to follows those desires and break the wows, it is
their hell to pay as far as divorce and alimony
Maybe you gather all your information about the world form Ally McBeal, but I can
tell you what is happening in the real world. Quiet often, married partner in the affairs
(men or women ) keeps their marital status a secret. Who do you sue then?
It it really is better just to divorce, get the custody and money worked out and get on
with your life.
another thing about suing someone on the basis of their character flaw, is that it
opens the door to another party to bring all kinds of issues against you "Looks you
honor, the woman is a pervert and nursed out kid till 3, of course, I had to find sex
on the side. and she never uses any medicines, just herbs, and she refused normal
birth control". And if you sue another women, she can claim 2 thing, that the wife knew about the affair and did not care until she thought of getting some money, or that she, the women herself was not aware of the married status Attorney are very good in finding loopholes to bring all kind os
unrelated facts in

[kittyb4me]

We do still have an "Alienation of Affection" law on the books in NC. I have considered this road, but it will not bring my family back to me. It is still a card I may play in the future, but not right now. And simonee, you are right as well. Yes, H was the one to take their flirting a step further, but his gf found out he was married about 2 weeks into their affair. She has continued to pursue him, even knowing that we are still living in the same house at this time.

I will prob'ly move back to OR w/my kids. It's where I will be happy, I won't have the affair in my face everyday, and I will not have to worry about gf being in my kids' lives. If H chooses to stay and continue this behavior, fine. If he chooses to move closer to his kids, that would be great too. I am just now looking to take care of me, so I can take care of my babies. This is going to be so hard, but I think it is what's best. I just hope they don't resent me for moving them so far away from their dad. I can only pray that someday it will all make sense to them.

Thanks again for everyone's continued support.

[jfatton]

Kitty, it is better if you can get your life back on track. If that means going to OR, go. Gather what strength you can by being home. A network of family and therapists/counselors can help your kids make sense of what's going on.

Thay won't "resent" you in the end. They'll thank you for standing up as a mother and wife. You are modeling behavior for them. The right kind of behavior.

You are right to pray that "someday it will all make sense to them." Their father's actions don't make sense. It is good for them that your actions will.

You're all in our prayers.

Joe and Rose

[gabesmama]

Kathleen,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Going back to OR sounds like it would be the best option for you. As far as the other woman or suing is concerned (my .02) If you can find it in your heart (or even if you can put on a good show) befriend her. When your kids visit their father most likely she will be the one caring for them. You don't want her to take out any animosity on your kids. Furthermore, if she can dislike you it is easier for her to justify her and your husband's behavior.

You should feel sorry for her. She is a single mom with a liar boyfriend. Her future looks pretty grim.

Good luck to you and continue being strong.

Lori

[queencarr]

Kathleen, I wanted to say how sorry I am for you. One thing that I wanted to mention from a friend of ours who had a cheating h while she was pg and bf; because he was having sex (without a condom, no less) with gf's and also with his unsuspecting wife, it was considered putting his children at risk because of the possible transmission of disease (possibly passed unaware to her, then to baby before birth/through nursing). May be a trump card if you need it regarding custody. I know that in her case it got her full custody with very little visitation rights of the father, because he was considered to have impaired judgement because of this endangerment. Not trying to scare you or give you anything else to worry about, but in case you needed something to force custody issues in your direction. Also, if your agreed upon plan with h before gf was to stay home with your kids until age X wih him providing full support, bring that up to the lawyer/judge. You may be able to force him to support you until that age, as you gave up your work skills, etc in full agreement with him.

Wishing you the best in a terrible circumstance.

Carrie

[kittyb4me]

Gabesmom, funny you should mention trying to befriend gf. When this first came to light, her & I had a few conversations. She even agreed to stop seeing him. Never happened though. My husband has also pushed from the start that he wants to take the kids sometimes when he goes to see her. I initially refused, but I then told him that if she wanted to spend time IN OUR HOME when I was present and give me the chance to see what kind of mom she is, then I would consider letting him do that. She refused that idea. She wants nothing to do with me, or letting me get to know her. So I am also looking at the move as a good one in the respect that I won't have to face that issue. I cannot see him getting any visitation here when we are in OR, as they are so young and could not travel alone for at least a few more years. I have acted with dignity and and nonviolently throughout this whole ordeal, so I have not given her any reason/ammo to think negatively of me, other than I am not giving in to their every whim.

Queencarr, I don't think he is going to give me any fight on custody. He knows I am overall a very good mom. But, I have started lining up my ducks on the health issues. I have my records from the summer showing I was disease free during pregnancy. I have also been to the health dept. and had the whole spectrum of test done-no results yet. I did talk to my attorney about the staying home thing, because we had agreed to me staying home until at least school age. Only problem is that NC is now a no-fault divorce state and so infidelity is not really taken into consideration. At most, I could force him to pay child support, and then he could be forced to give me 1/2 of his remaining income until dd is 2. That is only if I were to draw a very lenient judge, and most in my backwards neck of the woods would not award this at all, as they do not consider being a SAHM important to the kids. Go figure, it's so much better to stick them in some crappy, state-run daycare while mommy goes out to earn minimum wage. Anyway, I did get ahold of one of my friends in OR who stays home with her kids, and she will prob'ly keep my guys while I work. At least it's someone I know, who parents similarly, etc. She does not do home daycare, but her family is in a bad financial position, so this may work for her. At least they will be with another mom who feels just as strongly about staying home as I do.

Do you guys know how wonderful it is to have all your kind words, ideas, and encouragement to get me through this?

[Alenushka]

JUst in case

If you do have to work, you do not need to think that all days cares are crappie run
state centers.
I work par time in my child in a great preschool with flexible extended care (he only
stay extra hours if we both work)
IT is a JCC run pre school. Like many YMCA's, JCCs have scholarship funds.
When we applied my DH was on disability for 6 months, and JCC gave us a great
discount. Many private preschool have extended hours and scholarships. Co-op
centers often give you a huge discount if you do work for them (off or on site)
The world is not black and white, stay home or work full time. There many
opportunities for working part time, at home, tellecommuting, consulting m your own
business ate home (anything you can imagine, form bakery to cat sitting) etc. For me,
one of the great things about having children was learning that 60 hour work week
was not necessary, that there was other ways to earn a leaving.
As far as minimal wage job... I do not know what skills you have... but you can get
yourself a great education. I went to college with my first son and I know many other
people who do. It is kind of advantageous to be in school with kids and easier in
many ways than work. Professors are far more understanding than bosses than you
miss work because of an ill kid. Many Jr Colleges and Universities have on site pre
school day care. And you can just leave you kids there for 2-4 hours of you classes.
And becuase you will be single mom with kids, you have good change of getting a
good financial aid package.
My mom was a single mom and she run undeground publishing company in Russia.
She made moeny for us to survive and advance many caues with her work. When
we got home from school, she was there for us. We ofthen helped her too.