When Decluttering Stresses Your Child....? - Page 2

[freestyler]

PennyRoo---I love your post!! I am SO on board with everything you wrote!! Amen!

Everyone--I like the quote from a Don Aslett book: It has to do with cluttering being tied to low self-esteem in some cases. Not only that we're not sure we're able to provide for ourselves, and not only a scarcity mentality (i.e., there's not enough XYZ in the universe, so I'd better grab what I can!), but also that we're unsure of ourselves generally. He wisely wrote: Life is like going on a trip, and we have all our baggage/possessions. Just like we don't know what to pack if we don't know where we will go on a trip, if we're unsure where we're headed in life, we also don't know what to take along. So we take everything, just in case!! There seems to often be a correlation, in my family of origin, between clutter and a sense of direction. More clutter=more life insecurity.

But that isn't true for everyone, I am sure! Still, I find it interesting. On that note, I'm gonna go heave some stuff from my study.

[AmyAngel]

I like the analogy between being a packrat and the way we pack for travel - I am only successful in NOT having to keep everything when I'm traveling, then I try to pack very light (read too many Rick Steves guides, I think!). If I could only manage to relate that to my living space...

[RubyWild]

Originally Posted by boingo82

I liked the PP's suggestion about letting the child decide - but giving them a set number of things to keep and a set number to get away and letting them make their own priorities. And if they want to keep the broken junk toy and give away a nice one that Grandma just got them, it's OK because it is their possession, their decision.

If I let my Dd decide, she would choose nothing. She would never get rid of anything, but the problem is, people keep giving us crap, crap, and more crap.

I've tried to ask my Dd to let go of some things that she hasn't played with in more than a year and suddenly she's attached to it and must keep it. So, it disappears for 6 months before leaving for good and she simply doesn't notice.

I understand that it could be damaging to a person to have their stuff disappear, if the person were aware of it on some level, but I also think forcing them to decide can be harmful, as well. For my Dd, it would be torture.

[charmarty]

ok bringing in another twist to this..a rather far out one as well..I ask you read with an open mind.

If you are into feng shiu you will understand the feng shiu principals on energy or Chi. Everything has Chi or also known as an ebergy feild. This felid is everywhere and is in everyhting. It is also derived from the very same place. That is the same place where you and I are from as well. We are all connected and we are connected to, all things.

Children feel and know this connection because they are so innocent and pure. Problem is, they do not fully understand it. Heck us adults have a hard time grasping this concept.

My oponion on why your dc is attatched to these things and why it is stressful? it is becasue he is SO sensitive to the energies around him it really does cause him distress when that energy starts to shift. He is not trying ot be difficult, he is confused by it.

I can help ya with some exercises on how to help him through this that you can do for him if that is what you want.

If I am not carted away in a straight jacket that is! lol

[boingo82]

Originally Posted by RubyWild

If I let my Dd decide, she would choose nothing. She would never get rid of anything, but the problem is, people keep giving us crap, crap, and more crap.

I've tried to ask my Dd to let go of some things that she hasn't played with in more than a year and suddenly she's attached to it and must keep it. So, it disappears for 6 months before leaving for good and she simply doesn't notice.

I understand that it could be damaging to a person to have their stuff disappear, if the person were aware of it on some level, but I also think forcing them to decide can be harmful, as well. For my Dd, it would be torture.

I could see that too. However I would still rather be forced to choose, I think.
On some level I think this is something that he needs to learn in the long term, it is an important life skill just like managing money or cooking.
I dunno, I don't have all the answers. I can definitely see it from both sides though.

[beanma]

well, i ask my dd1 (5! how did that happen) to help and if she doesn't want to (50/50) i tell her i'm going to do it and we'll just box them up and put them in the basement for awhile. if it's something they miss we can go back and get it out. i really do try to pick things they've grown out of, and i do try to keep the process transparent and non-threatening. i want her to know what i'm doing, though. dh and i also go through our stuff and pick stuff to "donate" so dd's are familiar with that term. we donated a bit of stuff for hurricane katrina and rita victims, too. there was a big tractor trailer parked in a shopping center parking lot and we took stuff to help fill it up. i think it helps to see the whole process. hth

eta: i still remember feeling hurt and sad as a kid when i couldn't find a favorite blue velvet dress that i'm sure i had long outgrown. i was probably 6 and it was probably for a 4 yr old. my mom was not a great declutterer either, but must've passed that dress along to somebody. even though it was too small it was mine y'know?

[alsoSarah]

Originally Posted by boingo82

He needs to feel secure that his possessions will not vaporize when he leaves the room, and he needs to be given the tools to declutter his own things.

This was my exact line of thinking, in starting to involve him in the decisions!
So far, though, it hasn't worked for us.
He showed no anxiousness about any posessions "going anywhere" until I brought him into the process.

Originally Posted by RubyWild

If I let my Dd decide, she would choose nothing. She would never get rid of anything, but the problem is, people keep giving us crap, crap, and more crap.

I've tried to ask my Dd to let go of some things that she hasn't played with in more than a year and suddenly she's attached to it and must keep it. So, it disappears for 6 months before leaving for good and she simply doesn't notice.

I understand that it could be damaging to a person to have their stuff disappear, if the person were aware of it on some level, but I also think forcing them to decide can be harmful, as well. For my Dd, it would be torture.

I think that we may have the same child in different bodies...

Originally Posted by charmarty

I can help ya with some exercises on how to help him through this that you can do for him if that is what you want.

Bring it on, charmarty!

Thank you, everyone,

alsoSarah

[ramlita]

(caution- disjointed and rambling!) (but one tip at end)

I can relate to every one of the previous posts!

My kids have three sets of grandparents within a 20 minute radius of our house. Plus quite a few aunts, uncles, great-aunts and great-grandparents, etc etc. Every holiday, most of these people pick up "one little thing" for DD. This last Valentine's was good for a haul of about one good (adult-sized) armload. Not counting cookies and chocolates.

So our house is bursting at the seams, and it's a constant project trying to hoe out some stuff. (Many of the abovementioned people are getting older and cleaning out their houses, trying to give us boxes of old sheets, rickety furniture, kitchen supplies, knicknacks... )

DD is definitely one to panic at the idea of getting rid of anything, but once something is gone, she does not remember it. Naturally we pick things she hasn't shown interest in some time, quite often since she first opened it up.
I put things in boxes and they sit around for a few weeks before it leaves the house. DD has never noticed anything missing. If she notices anything, it's the open floor space we've created after cleaning/purging/organizing, and is delighted to be able to dance or play twister or build a giant block structure there.

I'm the same way- I save used envelopes, packing material, etc, and do re-use them compulsively. But when the spaces for storing these things get full, DH has full permission to purge- as long as he lets me know to turn my back so I don't see it.

The one success I've had with getting DD to participate in cleaning things out is with clothes. Again, everyone gives her clothes all of the time, and her room was getting buried in them. She resisted giving them away at all until I noticed that she has a dear friend who is about two sizes smaller than she is. I asked her if we could pick out some clothes that don't fit her anymore to give to her friend, and she was fine with that!
The other day, we went through her whole room. I'd hold something up and say, give away, or keep? And she gave away probably more than I would have!
(I must admit, I saved a few things that were her favorites over the years. Just a few. ) She did get a little bored with it, and was doing other things while I made the piles, but she'd look up and give snap judgements over and over. It was awwwwesome.

[RubyWild]

Originally Posted by boingo82

I could see that too. However I would still rather be forced to choose, I think.
On some level I think this is something that he needs to learn in the long term, it is an important life skill just like managing money or cooking.
I dunno, I don't have all the answers. I can definitely see it from both sides though.

Right, I think we both see both sides, but are leaning in different directions about it. Generally speaking, I would feel it disrespectful to "disappear" other people's property. I've had my own experiences with that. I just know what I would have preferred done as a child and what I think works with my Dd as opposed to another child who is more reasonable on this issue.

[boingo82]

Originally Posted by RubyWild

Right, I think we both see both sides, but are leaning in different directions about it. Generally speaking, I would feel it disrespectful to "disappear" other people's property. I've had my own experiences with that. I just know what I would have preferred done as a child and what I think works with my Dd as opposed to another child who is more reasonable on this issue.

That's fair. I can't speak for how she would feel about it. Like everything else with parenting, there's no magical answer. :-\

[Denise K]

Oh, dear, I too could have written the OP--except that my clutter tolerance is fairly high. No problem, DS can easily get things up to my threshold!

And I am glad to read this thread, because we just now had an hour long bedtime meltdown because ds learned that I recycled the ratty old poster off the bathroom door, which was mine. Poor guy...it really freaked him out. Poor me, poor dh....but we did decide to be parents.....

I do have a couple of comments, for anyone who is still reading this and wanting thoughts or ideas.

Transitional storage has worked for us. Yes, DS sometimes does remember stuff. I'll say --I think it's in the attic, and then when he's gone I'll get it down and say later --yep, I found it.

I have to constantly walk the line between Making Everyone Do It My Way on the one hand, and Having No Say at All on the other... self-righteousness can be a problem, because a lot of my objection to the Stuff is not about disorder, but Having Too Much Stuff--more than we need, while others have less than they need, etc...(which is totally true, and yet I don't think our bubble wrap is actually going to help anyone, either...).

I do have a solution that works for us with junk mail (my clutter tolerance for this is 0)--Ds has a junk-mail box, and if his junk mail is in there, I will leave it alone. If it's on the table or floor, wherever, I have warned him that I will undoubtedly recycle it because that's what I always do with junk mail.

I was a packrat as a kid, and kept toilet paper rolls for instance... my mom, a neat and tidy person, let me keep one sizable box of total junk every time we moved (lots). I am glad she did. I think I was carrying around nesting materials, making my own sense of home. Tolerance is important.