Tween DD "not the right kind"

[vamp127]

Recently my 8yo DD asked a classmate to be her friend--like "would you like to come over and play?" and the girl told her that she (my DD) isn't the right kind." What the heck does this mean? I tried telling DD how there are people in this world who aren't always nice but she is really hurt because this girl happens to be "the popular girl." So now, by association, none of the other girls in her class want to be her friend. Ironically, this girl looks like she could be DD's sister. Same coloring, height, dress style, etc.

OTOH, DD gets along really well with the boys in her class because she's a bit of a tomboy and likes sports.

How can I help her?

[PennyRoo]

This breaks my heart! Your poor DD. My DD will be 4 in June and I am already starting to see signs of this meanness in some of her peers - one girl in her preschool told her that she was a bad dancer and DD is all broken up over it. I dread the day when this sort of thing happens to my own child.

I'm wondering . . what does your DD love to do? You mentioned she is good at sports - is there a team she can join to find another set of friends? Does she have other interests you could hook her up with socially (either in or outside of school) to meet new kids?

Can you speak with her teacher(s)? Perhaps there are things her teacher could do to mitigate the effect this might have on her in school. For example - if she is chronically left out in the classroom, not setting up situations where kids choose their own partners for projects, but rather assigning them.

Help DD think out how to handle specific situations - - such as lunch hour. Perhaps you could also help her think of specific comebacks to unkind remarks (something like this happened to me in 8th grade and I had a store house of snappy comebacks that I had painstakingly thought up and practiced in advance, and boy, did they work! In my experience bullies often sense weakness and go for the jugular when they think someone is vulnerable. For me, having snappy comebacks at the ready was very helpful in seeming unruffled.)

I honestly have no wise advice, but I will be watching this thread to see what the other BTDT mamas have to say. Good luck, mama, this is hard stuff!

[Alkenny]

It seems like most every girl goes through exclusion around this age. My DD went through it too, and frankly...comebacks didn't help with her, they just thought she was being a smarta**.

Encourage her to explore her interests. If she's into sports, see what kinds of programs there are and maybe she can find like-minded friends.

I think the biggest problem at this age is that they can't play more than one on one with each other. They need each other's undivided attention, and someone always ends up the one left out.

[vamp127]

Thanks mamas. SHe really loves horseback riding and takes weekly lessons. Trouble is that it doesn't help her make more friends. She is grouped by ability and everyone else is an adult. She relates really well with adults. She's not interested in joining other team sports because this one girl participates.

She did ask last night if she could have a slumber party. I think this could be great, or it could be a disaster. What if nobody wants to come?

[PennyRoo]

Riding is a solitary sport, but what about Pony Club? If there is one in your area, this could be a great way for her to meet other like-minded kids. I did this as a girl and loved it - - - it's very social but also allows for a certain level of competition (really, you are competing against yourself to advance to a higher level of knowledge/skill).

I'm not sure I would want to see your DD invite any of the kids who have been so mean to her to the slumber party . . . does she have a small, core group of friends she could concentrate on surrounding herself with?