Is wanting your child to have a sibling enough of a reason to have a baby? - Page 2

[Carla]

Kirsten, your post made me cry. You explained the way I feel much better than I did.
Before I get up to blow my nose I just wanted to say I'm very sorry about your parents.
Hugs to you...

[yoga]

I voted "yes" assuming that the parents also want another kid.

I had my second b/c I didn't want an only child. Ideally, I would like 2 of each gender. I believe it's good for kids to have siblings, same sex ones, too, if possible.

[mirlee]

We originally set out to be DINKS. Then we found out that Sam was on his way. When Sam was a little under 2 1/2, dh had himself broken. We had decided that one was plenty. We loved our family of three. It is/was very comfortable. Then in October, dh said that he was starting to have some regrets about his procedure and wished he had saved some in the bank just in case. Sam now asks where his brother is. He will be three in two weeks. I think this has caused some regret on our part.

Honestly, I only speak to one of my sisters now. I wouldn't trade her for the world, but my other sister is a totally different story. Lots of bad blood there. Dh does not have great relations with his sibs, but he still does talk to them on occassion. Growing up though, he and his brother were just dreadful to each other. Did not get along one bit.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you need to be sure if you want or don't want another. It is up to you to decide if you can deal with another child. Do I want another child, some days yes, some days, no. For me, it is a very very large decision.

[Cindi]

No, it is not enough. If parents cannot feel their need for another child, but have one anyway, the child's spirit will be affected. Most parents probably realize that they wanted a child afterall, but it is a dangerous place to start from. If your family feels complete with one child, it is not an obligation to provide your child with a sibling.

[Kirsten]

This has been an interesting thread. One thing I keep thinking as I read the "yes" or "no" answers is that I am really an "other". I would think it would be rare that a family would have another when the parents really didn't want to, just to give the firstborn child a sibling. I agree that that is a dangerous place to start from. That said, though I always knew we would have more than one, and planned to have them four years apart, when dd1 was three, I really didn't feel like getting pregnant at that point. Life was going well. That "baby fever" hadn't really hit again. But I knew I wanted that spacing so we went ahead. I have never regretted it for a minute. This time (expecting #3 in May) we did get baby fever (dh and dd1 worse than me!).

But for me, it is impossible to separate out my desire for the second child from the desire to give my first child a sibling. They are so intertwined for me. For me, (I know everyone doesn't feel this way) having kids was a two kid minimum. Reasons I wanted my first to have a sibling are in my previous post. But it was all very important to me - hard to say that I just had another child for dd1. But that was my main goal I think - the hope and opportunity of my kids having that special relationship that I have with my siblings.
Kirsten

[AahRee]

Immediately after my DD was born, I wanted to give her a sibling. We even tried for almost 6 months, with no luck. Since we have started taking a break, and the new mommy hormones are wearing off, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching about the reason why we were TTC, and when/if we'll start trying again.

I am not sure that wanting your child to have a sibling is enough of a reason to have another baby. I am inclined to think that the motivation has to come from the mother and father themselves, not from a desire to give their other child something.

I have a sister, and I have a great relationship with her. She is currently trying to conceive, and we are hoping it happens soon so that Katie will have a cousin near in age to her. So my feelings aren't based on the lack of a good relationship with a sibling.

However, there are a lot of things to think about, beyond just providing a sibling, and I don't think that that one thing should guide a decision that important. For instance, my DH is a teacher, and we can barely afford our current family lifestyle, let alone the addition of another child. We want to be able to send our DD to college, take family vacations, etc. someday, and I can't imagine how we could afford it with two. Also, my DD is the light of my life and the center of our world. I hate to think about the possibility of missing out on a single thing in her life, but when you have two children, it is inevitable. If both children have events on the same night, you can't be in two places at once. Sure, you can take turns or something like that, but I want to be there for everything, which just isn't possible with two children.

On the other hand, I love the baby stage, and as DD is growing out of it all to quickly, I start thinking about how nice it would be to have another baby around. Also, there are some things I missed out on with DD, and I'd like a chance to do those things differently with another baby.

So, I'm still up in the air about it, but I do think that there is a lot more to consider than just wanting a sibling for your first child.

[Foobar]

I personally want 2 children so Goo does have a lifemate. I barely talked to my sister growing up, and we aren't buddies now, but we do talk often. I have a great relationship with her kids and we do well.

However, I think we all should take a few minutes to think about why we had children in the first place. Why? To proprogate the race? We have too many people already. To have a peice of our selves left on the planet? A little selfish. To have someone else to love? Again selfish, there are many children that we could have adopted.

I often question why I decided to have a child and I can't find the answer. Therefore, I have no problem with the idea that some would want a child to keep their first child company through life.

[heartmama]

Our ds is an only child (he is 6). He was born with multiple heart defects, and we were told in the beginning that he would need at least 3 open heart surgeries before his 5th birthday to correct the structural problems. I knew right then I wouldn't have another child, and as time went on I felt relieved that I made that choice. With ds in and out of the hospital, any second child would NEVER have received the degree of attention ds had from me. Attachment parenting was so fundamental and important to me as a mother, there was no way to imagine myself 1) leaving ds alone in a hospital or 2) leaving my new baby in the care of relatives for days or weeks on end. And if I had a new baby with ds going through surgery, one or both scenarios would become a reality, and that scared me out of my mind.

One day when ds is much older and more independent, we will consider another baby. I always wanted several children, and having had ds when I was 20, I still have time to decide. I just do not ever want to feel I must choose between my children, or have the guilt of feeling one child is getting more attention than the other. I want to enjoy each child as much as the next, without having to compromise that. This was definitely the right choice for us at this point, and I think that is what you have to decide. What is the best choice for your family?

Good luck

Heartmama

[herblaunt]

i voted no. but this week I have been waffling. Wanting to hold another sweet infant close.
We also intended to be DINKs, but dd was very determined.
We have decided on dh being fixed. I love dd as an only child. There are many other kids her age here that we hang out with just about every day.
If we want another, then adoption will be the road for us. I would rather give another child a chance for unconditional love and a healthy lifestyle that did not have that opportunity in its birth family. (not implying that they could not get that in their birth family, b/c there are many reasons for adopting..just saying that it would be what we could provide.)

[Peppamint]

Hmm, how to say this?

I knew I didn't want only one child... partly for our sakes and partly for the kids.

I'm one of three children and my youngest brother died of brain cancer at 14mo. It made me and my middle brother closer in a way. If I had only had one brother, that would have left me an only child... and when one child has died the parent is all the more protective, KWIM?

Anyway, I think it's good for kids to have siblings but that's my personal opinion.

PS- dh wants two and I want three, so we'll just see what happens in a few years, eh? inky