Socialization Issues

[delphine]

Hello, all,
I am having an issue with my son. I am afraid I am not preparing him well enough for how to act socially.

DS, Lukas, will turn 4 in March. He has not attended day care since he was a year old. When he was around a year old, we found out he has a severe peanut allergy and at that time, my DH started working second shift so that he could stay home with him during the day. I still work during the day. He does go to the Y three days a week with DH and stays in the child care room there with other kids.

So, Sunday, we went to a birthday party of one of the other boys from the Y. It was a joint party for this boy (turning 4 ) and his brother, who is in first grade. The party was at the gym at the Y. So, we get there and all the kids (there were a ton, probably 30 kids there in all) were playing basketball. There was a huge bucket of basketballs so Lukas gets one an starts playing around. About a minute later, he comes crying because he can't find the ball he was playing with. He kept saying he wanted the one with his name on it. So, I explained that there were lots of balls and that he could just choose one that noone was playing with and use that one. I also told him that other kids might pick up "his" ball by accident since there were so many.

So, then he is shooting baskets, and I notice he is totally timid. He would throw the ball and then duck his head. Now, I realize I shouldn't expect him to be great at sports at age 4 (almost), but he seemed way behind the other kids. Later, he had a playground ball and ran around with that for most of the time. But, he didn't talk to any other kids and he didnt' play with them. He just wanted to play by himself.

We had one instance of him hitting another little boy. I am not sure what happened, but I saw him hit the boy, so I went over and said, "We don't hit, please apologize" and he did.

Then they played some organized games. They split up the big kids and the little kids and did olympic type sports with them, relays, exercise, shooting baskets etc. During the relay, Lukas was running back to tag his team-mate and they butted heads (totally accidental). So we had another crying fit.

During the rest of the party, I noticed him putting his hands on other kids a lot. Putting his hands on the shoulders of the boy in front of him, on the arms of the kids around him while they were opening presents, etc. This was not recieved too well by the other kids and a few of them pushed him away.

After the party, I asked him if he had fun, and he said yes. But, later he said he didnt' like the other kids and he didn't want to play with them anymore.

So, is this just normal stuff for a 4 year old? I am worried that he is not developing appropriately in social situations. He will be attending a 4 year old preschool in the fall, so I hope that will help, but what can I do until then?

Help!

Laura

PS. Marcus, my one year old, on the other hand, spent the whole party TRYING to play with the other kids, and I spent much of the party trying to keep him from standing under the basketball goal and getting bonked on the head.

[Rhiannon Feimorgan]

I just wanted to say that my ds was like that at 3 and 4. Now he is 5 and gets along just fine with other kids.

I don't know if all kids go through that or if it has to do with not being around other children much (I'm a SAHM) but don't worry that he will be stunted for life. Also that sounded like it could have been a pretty overwelming experiance for a little guy so don't judge his socilisation by that one example.

[delphine]

Thanks for the reply. and, you are right, it was a chaotic situation and probably not the best one for judging his socialization tactics.

I guess I just worry that he doesn't act appropriately when the other kids all seemed to act a little more so. Of course, there were only 5-6 kids his size and the others were all first graders.

So, thanks! I will try not to worry about it.

[cumulus]

My liitle ones also were inept at times socially - just like adults. I wonder if leaving kids to be socialized by schools isn't a bit like teaching them to swim by throwing them into a river. I think a small family is ample enough for socialization and allows for the child's parents to be present and influential at least.

"...Of course the family is a good institution because it is uncongenial. It is wholesome precisely because it contains so many divergencies and varieties. It is...like a little kingdom, and, like most other little kingdoms, is generally in a state of something resembling anarchy. It is exactly because our brother George is not interested in our religious difficulties, but is interested in the Trocadero Restaurant, that the family has some of the bracing qualities of the commonwealth. It is precisely because our uncle Henry does not approve of the theatrical ambitions of our sister Sarah that the family is like humanity. The men and women who, for good reasons and bad, revolt against the family are, for good reasons and bad, simply revolting against mankind. Aunt Elizabeth is unreasonable, like mankind. Papa is excitable, like mankind. Our youngest brother is mischievous, like mankind. Grandpapa is stupid, like the world; he is old, like the world.

Those who wish, rightly or wrongly, to step out of all this, do definitely wish to step into a narrower world. They are dismayed and terrified by the largeness and variety of the family. Sarah wishes to find a world wholly consisting of private theatricals; George wishes to think the Trocadero a cosmos. I do not say, for a moment, that the flight to this narrower life may not be the right thing for the individual, any more than I say the same thing about flight into a monastery. But I do say that anything is bad and artificial which tends to make these people succumb to the strange delusion that they are stepping into a world which is actually larger and more varied than their own. The best way that a man could test his readiness to encounter the common variety of mankind would be to climb down a chimney into any house at random, and get on as well as possible with the people inside. And that is essentially what each one of us did on the day that he was born."

G. K. Chesterton, "On Certain Modern Writers and the Institution of the Family" (1906)

[4evermom]

Sounds normal . I did need to tell my ds that he shouldn't touch other kids without asking. Touching is a normal way of initiating interactions with family so it's normal for kids to do this with other kids, but it is rarely received well.

[Mizelenius]

I consider myself pretty outgoing, but if I went to a huge party w/people I didn't know . . .I wouldn't necessarily be at my best!

I think the best scenario is one-on-one playing . . .with an adult and/or with one other child (+ an adult close by). My DD still acts like a kid with me of course, so I get to teach her while we play (turn taking, problem-solving, etc.). I have seen her use what she's learned with other children. DH always worried she'd have social issues since she hasn't been around tons of children, but it turns out she is very social. A big part is just personality and part of it is spending a lot of time playing with someone (usually an adult).

So, your DC sounds totally fine, but just remember that you do not have to(and maybe even should not) count on other children to socialize him!

[Fiercemama]

It sounds normal to me. My DD is almost 4, and is struggling with many of the same kind of things. I've been worrying about how I can better help her in social situations. I've been talking lots with other parents, reading lots (Playful Parenting right now is helpful), and talking with DD's teachers.

BTW, my DD has been in FT daycare since 12 mos. She is overall a very self-possessed person, but even she is having lots of bumps and challenges with navigating the waters of the social world.

What I'm beginning to see is that its not just her - most kids her age are sort of like young little foals tettering around on wobbly legs when it comes to social skills. They are just getting past the idea that they are the centre of the universe. They are getting a glimpse that there are OTHER people in the world. I find that they don't have much clue yet as to how their actions impact others (like your DS's touching other kids, or my DD's totally controlling role-playing with others. One day she's gonna figure out that others are just not that interested!).

I feel very lost at sea at times as to how to help my DD through this. I try to do what I can to help her integrate into new social situations - joining her in the group for a few minutes, choosing a toy at home to bring along and share at an event where there will be new kids, giving her some lines to help her get into a group that already has an activity going on (sort of like giving her pick up lines!). With my DD anyways, bolstering her confidence in any way I can at home will help her to work her way through these times.

[hhurd]

Originally Posted by Fiercemama

What I'm beginning to see is that its not just her - most kids her age are sort of like young little foals tettering around on wobbly legs when it comes to social skills. ...I feel very lost at sea at times as to how to help my DD through this.

Nicely put. My ds is 3.5 and he can be socially akward sometimes. Lot's of kids can overwhelm him, and lead to faintly aggressive behaviors, like swatting or pushing. 30 kids in a gym with balls flying all around would be just the kind of situation that could unhinge him. So, your child sounds normal to me.