Originally Posted by TripMom
in my example I have identified the cause of DS behavior - Attention Seeking. I need look no further. So once you've identified the cause - and have applied GD techniques to try and address the cause - and no success - what then?
FWIW, and this is given in the spirit of caring and genuinely wanting to help, I have found that in my own experience when I believe I have identified the cause of/reason for my child's behavior and earnestly attempt to address that cause and yet the behavior is still a problem, one or more of the following is likely to be true:
1) I have not fully understood the cause. For example, my child may in fact be seeking attention, but that's not a full understanding. My child is seeking attention because she is grieving the loss of the one-on-one relationship she had before her brother was born; my child is seeking connection because she feels stressed out about something I don't notice because it wouldn't stress me out or I take it for granted; my child is seeking connection because she is frightened about something or nervous after having developed into having a new sort of awareness of the world. Often the cause I identify isn't really an adequate understanding. And without adequate understanding of what's going on, I can't address it effectively.
2) I have become stuck in a way of thinking that prevents me from seeing more possible ways of addressing the behavior that might help. For example, I get stuck wanting to control my child's behavior (often because I want relief from it, it's stressful), and so I become fixed on stopping it as quickly as possible (which limits my awareness of potential responses)-which is subtly different from being focused on understanding it and responding in the way most likely to be helpful. I don't really know how to explain this one better. Wanting to control my child's behavior, if I'm honest, is more about me and what I want than about my child and her needs. Which doesn't make me a bad parent-just human, but it just isn't going to be quite as helpful. Controlling another person is just not possible much of the time (and when it is possible, is it really what I want?) Questions I ask myself that help with this are: what do I want my child to do? Why
do I want him to do it? Am I perceiving the situation correctly (do I have thoughts, feelings, assumptions, memories, etc. that prevent me from seeing the situation clearly/objectively)?
3) I get stuck in wanting to see immediate results. In my home, when a behavior has been going on awhile or when it's the result of a child feeling bad (and there's a lot of feeling bad involved when siblings are born), it takes time-even when I'm responding in the most helpful and effective way I can-for my child's behavior to change. Changing a habit takes time, healing emotional hurts takes time, learning to replace less effective behaviors (like hitting) with more effective ones takes time.
Often when I think about all these things, when I take the time to step back and look deeply at my child's behavior and deeply (and honestly) at my own thoughts and motivations, I find that already have inside the wisdom I need-the most helpful, appropriate, honest response is likely to become obvious. Not everything has some deep, mysterious cause-but often my own perceptions cloud the simplest of reasons for my child's behavior, making it more difficult for me to respond.
Anyway, TripMom I hope you find some solution that helps your family feel more peaceful. I can't imagine the difficulty of raising triplet babies plus an older child. I have my hands full with three singletons, two years apart each.