Anybody else uncomfortable with pre-birth sex determination? - Page 2

[TurboClaudia]

the pastel easter-egg, pink-or-blue clothing bothers me, too. hanna andersson all the way, baby! from the secondhand store, of course... unless the grandparents are buying it.

i think what bugs me most about the idea of finding out the sex of a baby in utero is the idea that somehow "seeing equals truth". i had this amazingly intellectually sexy, older, gay man college professor who actually did a research project about the development of the department store in paris in the 1800s and how that related to the cultural idea that all things that can be seen must be true. but just because it's a cultural idea doesn't mean that seeing is the only way of knowing, just that this "truth" has been the predominant way of thinking for a century-plus. seriously, this professor was fascinating.

and i can respect people making informed choices about having or not having ultrasounds for medical and health screening purposes, but i do have a harder time understanding those who would have an ultrasound exclusively for the purpose of finding out the sex of a baby.

~claudia

[cuqui]

Nope, don't get it

I did not find out with any of my 3 pregnancies. With #2 I was high risk and had a least 4 u/s (3 very short ones and the one long one at 21 wks that discovered my non-exsistant cervix and put me in the hospital for 10 wks. I had 2 girls and I still did not find out what #3 was until he was born. I would never trade that moment for anything in the world! All 3 times, when you look down and see you baby, just wonderful. With #2, it was probably 5 minutes before we even decided to look. With #3, my dds (7yrs & 5yrs) got to announce the gender of their sibling, they will never forget that experience. Do you think they would have remembered if I had told them upon coming home from a midwife visit (actually they attended most with me), besides they had so much fun with the anticipation.

About the clothes, I love to shop. I got organic cotton kimonos and sleepers in natural from Under the Nile, Ecobaby, and Gaiam. Within 2 days of his birth and a few clicks of the mouse viola! he had a few blue outfits, no biggy. How much clothing does a newborn need anyway?

I don't think anyone got annoyed with me for not finding out, or at least they didn't act annoyed.

[ChattyCat]

It's a fantastic surprise no matter when you find out.

I don't really get having a non-medical u/s, but if you're having one (or tons of them) done anyway, why not? Granted, I totally respect people who choose not to find out, as many of my friends have done.

For me, knowing what the baby is allows dh and I to focus in on a name for our baby. Both of us seem to have trouble bonding until our kids have names. I know lots of people pick out two names, but for us it just doesn't seem to work.

As for baby clothes, I'm totally sick of the easter egg colors, too! Seriously, what is wrong with a little vibrancy to their clothes? Babies see bright colors better anyway. UGH!

And, people will probably tell you that you have a lovely girl anyway, when your child is dressed in all blue with trucks and puppies all over their clothes. And, vice versa.

[celestialdreamer]

We chose to have a 20 week u/s with this baby, not specifically to find out the baby's sex, but to give us some reassurance that everything looked normal and it was ok to continue planning a HB. I know some people probably think thats weird, but I needed it for my own reasons. I figured while we were already looking, we might as well find out, since we had also known that our first baby was a girl. I do feel that when I found out the sex of each of my child it made them more 'real' to me...maybe I'm screwy or something then If we have a third child, I don't plan on having an u/s and if for some reason I truly needed one, I don't think I'd want to find out the sex. Part of me wishes I still got to have that surprise this time, but part of me is glad to know that my instincts were right and to plan for our little boy.

I definitely hate that pretty much everything you can buy for NBs is all gender oriented. I really prefer to have some gender neutral stuff too. I really hate that SO many of the little baby clothes I've seen have sports stuff on them...we don't care for sports at all here really! And why do only girls get kitties and boys get doggies on their clothes? My dd likes both cats and dogs!

[honeybee]

We decided not to find out the sex of ds, and we're doing the same this time around. Actually, when we tell most people that we're going to be surprised, they usually respond positively. However, nobody seems to understand NOT getting an u/s at all. Why do they bother having professional organizations like ACOG (which does not recommend routine u/s for low-risk women) if the docs don't listen to the recommendations? (Same goes for bf and peds).

Finding out ds's sex at his birth was such a great moment. Dh was sure we were having a girl. The doc said "it's a boy!" and dh laughed and said "I was wrong!" while he was laughing with a big grin on his face.

However, whether you know the sex or not, I do not understand this obsession with blue and pink. Ugggh! There are LOTS of other colors out there, so why don't they come on baby clothes?

[hipem]

With dd we had a "just to be sure everything is ok" u/s but did not find out the gender. With ds, we had a "less to be sure and more to find out gender" u/s : Of course, they said my placenta looked "low" (at 20 weeks) and my birth center (then homebirth midwife) had me get two more! And of course, in the end, everything was fine. When you know better, you do better...no u/s next time!

And as much as I loved calling him by name when he was in my belly, I truly adore the memory of lifting her leg and finding out for myself - SO worth the wait!

ITA about the whole newborn clothes thing...gack.

[liseux]

"I have no problem with people finding out in addition to a screening ultrasound. It does skeeve me out a little to have an ultrasound for no other reason than finding out the sex." AdinaL

:

I have done both also, my first 2 I didn`t find out, I experienced the excitement of finding out at the birth. With my 3rd, I had become high risk so my dh and I thought it would be neat to know so we could picture a boy or girl baby, esp. since it was a subsequent pregnancy after a loss. That made sense to me then, but now I`m thinking about waiting again, all these posts about waiting are making me rethink finding out. Yet, its a surprise no matter when in a way.

[AdinaL]

I think that if I do manage to get pregnant again, I will put off finding out.

But yeah, it was a HUGE surprise at the u/s for me! I was convinced that we were having a boy. I was wrong!! In some ways, I was oddly dissappointed, and kind of glad to have some time to adjust. It didn't make any sense to me at all. But, yeah, I was surprised, and giddy for the whole rest of the week!

[MotheringHeart]

This is so funny because DH NEVER wanted to find out with any of ours, but I was always whiny about it. (We had standard 20 week ultrasounds because I believe they are a useful screening tool and I wanted it to be comfortable with a homebirth.) I would whine the whole time about not finding out, but the truth is, I LOVE that moment when the baby comes out and you are finding out the gender of the child. When DS was born, DH was standing right next to me and yelled in my ear "it's a boy!" It was hilarious. Then when DD#2 was born, I really wanted a girl and so I was shaking from just pushing her out and the midwife handed her to me and I looked between her legs. It was amazing. I wouldn't trade it for anything. And the next time we get pregnant, I'm not going to whine about not knowing at all. It is the BEST surprise.

And as for not *knowing* the baby just because you don't know the gender, that is malarky. I dreamed all my children and saw them, as they are now, in my dreams. And I know that my dreams were true because I didn't know beforehand. I was connected to my babies from the moment they were concieved and I knew them before they ever took their first breath.

[crunchy_mama]

We found out with our first (and only so far) I really don't think that helped bonding in anyway though. Next time I would prefer to wait, but don't know if I can convince dh.

[FitMama]

I choose not to find out the gender in advance. Everyone around me (including DH) dislikes it. They say thing like "It makes planning so much easier!" My infants do all the same things, no matter what their gender: nurse, sleep, pee, poo. Why do I need to know if it is a boy or girl?

Plus, it's my way of sticking it to everyone around me. I love getting my way heh heh heh.

[MidwifeErika]

With my first child I did believe that finding out the gender would help me bond with her better. I found out and it was just kind of like "oh, that is nice" on our end. Even though we wanted a girl! It really took the wind out of our sails without us realizing it. I can't explain it really. Once we knew and told people, then everyone started assigning her a name and personality, which really drove me nuts! There was so much more pressure on us to have a name picked and for us to have typical "girl" stuff all over the place. yuck.

With our second child, we didn't find out because we didn't do any ultrasounds and it seemed silly to submit to a test just to find out something that we would find out in just a few months time. I bonded just fine with that baby. I was pretty sure it was a little boy who had been trying to come to me for months (I had a m/c 6 months before becoming pg again and I really felt it was still him). I was completely in love with this child and could care less if a girl or boy because it was MY child. And then Owen was born. There could never be a moment as great as when my husband looked between our child's legs, and shrieked "it's a boy!" in the most giddy voice I have EVER heard out of this man. I know it would have been the same giddiness if it had been a girl too. It was just the build up was so great and the fact that in this homebirth, he was the very first to know and no one else told him about his own child. My husband doesn't get giddy or emotional (we joke that he is "dead inside" like Chandler on Friends), so to hear him so excited like a kid at Christmas... well worth the wait.

I am not finding out this time either. We have fun joking about what gender the baby is and talking about different names without any comitment and dreaming about this child who is going to be absolutely amazing no matter if a boy or a girl. We have fun explaining to our daughter that it might be a boy or a girl and it is just a surprise that we will see this summer. She changes her mind every week on what gender the babe is and what we should name him/her. I am enjoying floating through without pressure from people about naming too. We don't believe in naming our kids before they are born (we have lists of favorites, but I just can't name someone who I have never looked at face-to-face) and without knowing, it gives us a great excuse to not even discuss names with people. Last pregnancy we got more pressure from people to find out the gender, but not anymore.... I think they found out how much fun it was getting a phonecall saying "baby is born and healthy and a ....., and the name is...." More exciting than "baby John is here now" IMO.

[2Sweeties1Angel]

I'm really anal about some things and finding out my baby's gender is one of them. I don't know why because it shouldn't really matter, but it does to me. I like to plan and shop, and I hate most of the gender neutral clothes. I'll admit that I loved shopping for pretty little pink things for DD : I found out that the twins were boys a little before 20 weeks, but I didn't find out DD's gender until about a month before I had her because she wouldn't open her legs. I didn't have any U/S just to determine gender, but I was tempted--didn't do it because of potential risks and because I hate holding my bladder for that long while somebody pushes on my stomach.

[chumani]

With my first four we didn't have any u/s. We got a lot of "how do you prepare?'" questions. With #5 I ended up with an u/s as I had an accident at 20weeks that caused part of the placenta to abrupt. The tech was checking blood flow in the placenta and then w/out asking he checked gender and said "you have a girl" I was very upset as with all our other babies I was the first to announce the gender. It changed how I viewed my pregnancy, not in a bad way just different. We will definitely not be finding out with this baby. I really missed the moment when I should have been able to tell everyone. Her birth was amazing though and the look in her eyes after she was born was so beautiful it didn't matter when I knew she was a girl just that she was born safely in the best way for us.

As far as baby clothes, I make 90% of my childrens clothing so we have a lot of funky clothes in our house as they pick the fabric themselves. I have had a ton of people ask where I get my babies/childrens clothes and have even started making custom clothing for others. I enjoy seeing my babies in the little kimonos and gowns I make.

I understand some have a "need to know" I am just not one of them.

Best wishes!
Sarah

[ABand3]

I'm in the 'no peeking' camp - didn't want to know ahead of time, and during the one ultrasound I had I told the tech over and over NOT to tell me or let me see.

Discovering and announcing the sex of the baby myself at birth was to me one of the most memorable and spiritual moments; it was one of the few things I put in my birth plans for my 2nd and 3rd.

I got a lot a grief from friends and family, especially during pg #3, becuase the first two were boys and some people were hoping for a girl. I'm not big into shopping, and wasn't about to find out the sex just to fuel some peoples' need to shop :

[Undercover Hippie]

I guess I am a little different than some of the PPs. I did not find out the gender of baby #1 but did find out with baby #2. I loved knowing. I don't know why, but I did and it's just the way I am. The pregnancies and births were just as magical whether I knew or didn't. The moment of learning their genders and realizing that I had a son/daughter was just as amazing and just as emotional whether it happened at 42 weeks or 20 weeks. (Actually, it was almost more amazing when I found out earlier because there was the emotional moment of the u/s, and then another emotional moment at the birth when I saw that she really was a girl.) And the precious first moments when I met my babe were awe-inspiring and holy each time.

For me, since it did not detract from the experience and in some ways made it richer, than I'd choose to know again. But we are all different. No reason to judge.

[mamaverdi]

Next time, I will probably find out the gender since ds2's issues run in boys only. I actually feel sad about finding out the gender ahead of time. What irks me way more than clothes is people calling their belly babies by the chosen name. It makes me feel ill.

mv

[2Sweeties1Angel]

What irks me way more than clothes is people calling their belly babies by the chosen name. It makes me feel ill.

Why? I think it's better to call the baby by it's name if you have one picked out. That way you're not referring to it as "it" or "the baby". It seems more personal. Then again, names are another thing I'm anal about. I already have all of my future children named and I'm not even pregnant again yet.

[mamaverdi]

Well, several reasons really. Mostly, superstition.

[turtlemama77]

We didn't find out ahead of time for dd#1, and won't be finding out this time either. I have to say though, for some reason, I have more of an urge to find out this time than I did last time. The biggest thing holding me back is that it drives people crazy that we won't find out.

Seriously though, the surprise at the end of a hard labor last time was amazing. I'd had a feeling for about the last two weeks of my pregnancy that I was having a girl, so it was pretty cool when she turned out to be a she! Plus, the majority of the clothing we'd been given was neutral colors, so we have a nice stock of 0-6 month clothes for new little baby come July.

I would love to find some little baby clothes that are NOT pastel.