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Poly Families - Page 2

post #21 of 1038
Woo hoo! Hi other poly peoples! lol

I'm not on MDC very often, but now that I know about this thread, I might have to pop by here every now and again.

I'm 21, been married for 2 1/2 years, and I have a 4 month old son named Xander. DH and I have been poly the etire span of our relationship, theoretically although I've only had 1 bf (for like, 3 months) and dh has only had 1 gf (for even shorter time). We are in love with our two best friends, who just got engaged August 5th. They, however, are still workig on defining the parameters of their relationship, leaving DH and I often lonely and sad when they are around. It just feels so right - like famiy. And when they have to leave, reality hits us again that they are not really ours, and may or may notever be.
post #22 of 1038
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravin
we're both really at a loss as to where to meet someone.
I highly recommend the SCA.

Seriously, any geeky hobby. Gaming, LARP, sci-fi cons, pagan groups (not that religion is a hobby, but that seems to be another crossover).

OKcupid.com is about the best matchmaking website. We keep meeting friends instead, though.
post #23 of 1038
I'm a very serious advocate of NOT "looking" - I've had friends who went the matchmaking website route, and looking for local groups.....an all they found themselves involved with were unstable people, or people looking for ways to "legally cheat", if you know what I mean. They weren't interested in a full-communication partnership, and were somehow deluded into thinking that poly was just long-term swinging.
I really truly think that "the one" will just fall into your lap when you're looking the other way. A lot of people have poly tendencies, but so many of them don't know that it's something that is ever done, so they don't look into it as a viable option. My partner was like that - we were friends all along, and one night at a party she asked me if it was true that DH & I had an open marriage, and that was my opportunity to explain to her what Poly is (and isn't). She & DH were dating within the year.

I've been telling my friends that had the bad meet-up experiences all along that you just have to be patient & WAIT, and he didn't believe me. And then, lo and behold, he's got a girlfriend now who started out AS A FRIEND, and he explained the whole poly deal to her, and now they're seeing each other seriously. He told me today that I could say "I told you so" if I really want to
post #24 of 1038
I'm here. We're more "consensually non-monogamous" than poly, but we're not swingers either. We're kind of in the middle. Not looking for/ever wanting to cohabitate with anyone else, but we both enjoy relationships with other people. My longer-term "boyfriend" or lover recently got into a serious monogomous relationship, but we are still good friends and enjoy spending time together. I knew it would happen eventually that he would "settle down" with someone and it would likely be monogomous, and surprisingly I haven't been upset or sad one bit, I'm actually really happy for him. I'm recently pregnant so I feel like I'm focusing more on my wife and starting our family and I don't really have energy to give to other relationships right now - the other couple of people I've been invovled with have been really respectful of that, because they knew we were trying to get pregnant. So now dw is more out having fun which is *fine* with me - I have a hot date tonight with the couch, sushi, and a chick flick . I love this aspect of being poly because someone else can help meet her needs when I'm tired and sicky!
post #25 of 1038
I'm with you there - my relationship with my former boyfriend kind of petered out in the course of my last 2 pregnancies, and as far as I know, he's completely monogomous now. It was just the right time to end, yk? I love amicable partings!
post #26 of 1038
I figured I should join this group! We are not active poly- no 3rd person currently- but we are alway open to the right one And always like knowing and supporting other poly families!

We have a myspace account too- so I welcome anyone who wants to add us- www.myspace.com/polycouple
post #27 of 1038
X
post #28 of 1038
Thread Starter 
I was wondering where I knew you from!

Things are going alright here. Not a whole lot to report other than a recent threat by my father to turn us in for ex living here. He called while I was in the shower with the 7 y/o and ex was in the same bathroom helping 5 y/o dry off and get dressed. He called me/us several charming names, most of which I can't repeat here... meh.
post #29 of 1038

timely thread

We are very new to poly, and, I'm afraid, not succeeding very well, so maybe you guys can offer some support/advice. Our situation is that we'd discussed the idea of going poly for many years, but it always seemed to be a mute point because neither of us had any interests/opportunities outside our marriage. We always simply resolved that we'd be open-minded should an opportunity present itself. That all changed this summer when I met a particular man who was completely open to the idea and understanding, and, after several discussions and making sure we were all on the same page (ie. DH and I were the "primary" relationship and we all had to agree to be honest and communicate our feelings, etc.), he and I started dating.

We were involved for about a month and a half before he moved to NYC (which he had already planned to do before we even met, and I knew of these plans). And I've since visited him once in NYC.

In the meantime, DH went out on one date and said it felt totally weird to him, and he's really unsure that he is, in fact, poly. I'm the only woman he's ever been intimate with; we started dating when we were 18 and he has only had very limited experiences with romance prior to that. He feels as though he would like to experience more but he's not sure he will feel free to do so while he's still married.

In addition, we feel like we've been through a lot of changes this year, including my going back to school and us opening up our marriage, and it's seemed to have put a new light on our marriage and exposed some of the faulty foundations upon which we've built our relationship. The fact that we didn't even know who we were as individuals when we first started seeing each other as teenagers seems to have put us in a situation of a codependency wherein we lose our identity in each other. It's always been a problem for us and it's manifested itself in different ways over the years, (ie. we've been through trial separation, counseling, renewing our vows), and we just wonder if we can reconcile this fundamental problem.

Furthermore, I have to admit that I'm having trouble "switching gears" in the context of polyamory. I feel strange when I, for instance, kiss one man for the first time after I had been with the other man. And I feel sort of selfish and guilty because the situation as it stands now is unbalanced. As in, why should I have my cake and eat it too? What do the men in my life have to gain from this? I was also unprepared for how hard I would fall for my oso, and I really felt that nre to a dizzying degree and found myself feeling really in love. When I mentioned this to my oso, he said he was not in love with me, because he is still very hung up on his ex that he dated for 4 years and broke up with this past december, but that he does care a lot about me and enjoys our time together. I feel like, in a way, it was foolish of me to reveal the strength of my feelings to him, but at the time, I really thought I would never see him again (this was the day he moved to NYC), and I wanted him to know the truth, for some reason... But now that I've visited him, I've been trying to play it cool and we've seemed to have smoothed over the awkwardness, and I've been able to accept that relationship for what it is.

However, being at a place in my life where I'm finally realizing my own individuality through finally pursuing my scholastic aspirations and romantic interests, I wonder if marriage is the right thing for me now. I think I want more independence. So, each for our own reasons, DH and I are talking about whether or not marriage is necessary for us to continue or if we'd be better off still having a relationship, but dissolving the formality of marriage. We are concerned with the impact all this might have on the kids, but we don't want to live a lie or stay together just for the kids.

I think we're really just confused and having trouble sorting out all these feelings. Does anyone have any insights?
post #30 of 1038
Mom2Sarah - Sorry that navigating all this new stuff is so difficult. Are there any local support organizations in your area for poly folks? We have a group here where I live (it's less of a "hook up" kind of group and more about education, socializing together to feel connected to other poly folks, etc). If you PM me maybe I can find you some resources.

Unfortuately, I don't know that it's "kosher" to really discuss the things you brought up here on MDC. They have a pretty strict "no relationship talk" as you may or may not know. Unless it relates to parenting, we unfortunately can't really have that kind of discussion and likely a mod will close the thread. I'm just giving you an FYI, not trying to shut you down! I hope you can find support - there is a lot on the internet that is available for when you are first exploring having an open marriage.
post #31 of 1038
Well, there is a poly group around here that we've heard of and know some people who attend, but we don't seem like we really relate to those people...

I didn't know you couldn't talk about relationships on MDC. What the heck is possibly the rationale for that? The way I look at it MDC is a place I can usually turn to find like-minded individuals who will not be judgemental but offer support and understanding. Aside from the occassional opinionated posters, that's always what I've found on MDC. When I'm deliberating about tough things in life and not sure what to do, I turn here to others here that understand and can empathize. Why in the world could we discuss some of our relationships (to our children) but not others (to our so's)? That really makes no sense to me, but I will respect the rule if that is what it is...
post #32 of 1038
Have you heard the term NRE, which stands for New Relationship Euphoria? Sometimes it feels like you fell harder than you did, just because of the novelty of it all, kwim? It may be that it will cool down. I had that feeling for a good year and a half with my OSO.

I also know what you mean about the unbalance of it. I have an OSO and my DH just has terrible luck. At times, he's had sweeties of varying degrees of commitedness and I had no one. He's happy to see me happy, though. He's frustrated that he doesn't have someone else too, but he knows that my happiness isn't to blame for that. I know that there are arrangements out there where one partner is monogamous and happy with that, and the other is poly, and the monogamous partner is okay with that, too. Maybe you guys will fall into that?

I have never heard of there being any prohibition against talking about relationships on MDC. We can't have sexually explicit discussions unless it relates to motherhood somehow (stuff about post-birth nookie, cosleeping and sex, etc). And we can't "bash" people, so we have to be careful about the fine line between venting about people and bashing them, but that goes just as much for bitching about our MILs and whatnot as our partners.
post #33 of 1038
Quote:
Originally Posted by paquerette
Have you heard the term NRE, which stands for New Relationship Euphoria? Sometimes it feels like you fell harder than you did, just because of the novelty of it all, kwim?
I had always heard it explained as "new relationship energy", but I think I like eupohria better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by paquerette
I highly recommend the SCA.

Seriously, any geeky hobby. Gaming, LARP, sci-fi cons, pagan groups (not that religion is a hobby, but that seems to be another crossover).
I agree with this, but I've always found it funny because I don't identify with any of these interests at all. However most other poly people I've known are at the very least pagan, and most often gamers. And most of the females were almost always bi, the males don't seem to be quite as much. It's amusing to me to look at the trends of other interests, even though I buck that trend, ha. I kind of find that frustrating, however, because so many people are so into SCA and sci-fi, gaming, etc... and I don't match with that well.

I suppose I should give myself an intro of sorts as well. I've discussed the subject on MDC before, but I don't think I've posted in this thread.
I very much consider myself poly, as well as bi-- however DP is neither of these things. And thus I am stuck. I have been in poly relationships in the past, with both genders... but I kind of shot myself in the foot in a way by falling in love with DP. Funny, because I met him through my ex-gf (when she was still my gf) and her husband, when I was also in a relationship with a different man. So he has known full-well since the day he met me that being poly and bi are big parts of me, yet I still find myself stuck. I can't force him to be okay with any of that, so I have no idea what is going to happen. And the default in this society is for *me* to give that part of myself up. Not that societal views should matter in my relationship...
Does this make any sense at all?

Okay, enough ramble from me tonight.
post #34 of 1038
Just thought that I would update. I'm dating a wonderful woman, I met her at the gym and she asked me out LOL OMG I'm so smitten :P
post #35 of 1038
Thread Starter 
Good for you!
post #36 of 1038
nak~ im here too! dp currently has an oso. we are great frends w/her and her family. i have no current interest in an oso, but i am hoping to have my *ahem* desire back eventually. that is the only downfall of having been nursing nonstop for almost 3 years
post #37 of 1038
Quote:
Originally Posted by homemademomma View Post
nak~ im here too! dp currently has an oso. we are great frends w/her and her family. i have no current interest in an oso, but i am hoping to have my *ahem* desire back eventually. that is the only downfall of having been nursing nonstop for almost 3 years
I can totally relate, its really hard dating, I'm so glad she's so understanding. I can't go 3 hours without nursing DS and during the week nights if she wants t see me that means I have to bring the baby with.
post #38 of 1038
Well, just to add my 2 cents, my DH and I have had several casual poly relationships within ours, sometimes together, sometimes not. Since these people are our friends, that's how they are introduced to our DC. I don't feel like they need to know about anything else, since we don't have anyone residing with us and we don't show anything in front of them that we would'nt do w\ nonsexual friends. I do have friends who reside together( 1 woman, 2 men) who have 2 kids. They don't know who fathered the children biologoically and they really don't care, so I have seen it done differently. Whatever works for a particular family!
post #39 of 1038
Quote:
Originally Posted by lunadoula View Post
Unfortuately, I don't know that it's "kosher" to really discuss the things you brought up here on MDC. They have a pretty strict "no relationship talk" as you may or may not know. Unless it relates to parenting, we unfortunately can't really have that kind of discussion and likely a mod will close the thread. I'm just giving you an FYI, not trying to shut you down! I hope you can find support - there is a lot on the internet that is available for when you are first exploring having an open marriage.
Hi all,

Just popping in as a mod to clarify any confusion the above post may have made. No rules have been broken in this thread. While we do have some guidelines about the discussion of partners and relationships, it is completely okay to seek support the way that mum2Sarah has. What is not okay is bashing partners and/or talking about sex unrelated to parenting/pregnancy. We, in fact, have an entire forum "Parents as Partners" that is mainly used as a place to discuss partner relationships.

HTH!

Lex
post #40 of 1038
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lexbeach View Post
Hi all,

Just popping in as a mod to clarify any confusion the above post may have made. No rules have been broken in this thread. While we do have some guidelines about the discussion of partners and relationships, it is completely okay to seek support the way that mum2Sarah has. What is not okay is bashing partners and/or talking about sex unrelated to parenting/pregnancy. We, in fact, have an entire forum "Parents as Partners" that is mainly used as a place to discuss partner relationships.

HTH!

Lex
How would a poly family issue fit into the partners forum though? from what I've read so far from other poly families here at MDC, the majority don't have the kind of relationship where their 'secondary' partners are actively involved in raising their children, so they're not 'parents/partners' in that sense.... ?

Just a question since the partners thread is being brought up as a suitable place to discuss our relationships...
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