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Poly Families - Page 3

post #41 of 1038
Originally Posted by Kaitnbugsmom View Post
How would a poly family issue fit into the partners forum though? from what I've read so far from other poly families here at MDC, the majority don't have the kind of relationship where their 'secondary' partners are actively involved in raising their children, so they're not 'parents/partners' in that sense.... ?

Just a question since the partners thread is being brought up as a suitable place to discuss our relationships...

Oh, I did not mean to imply that this thread would be better suited for the Parents as Partners Forum, I was simply using that forum as an example of how discussing partner relationships (in general) is totally acceptable on MDC. Sorry for any confusion! That said, I do believe that there is a thread re: polyamory in the Parents as Partners forum right now (though I haven't read it so I don't know what it's about specifically). While the
Parents as Partners" forum was originally put up as a place to discuss partner issues as they relate to parenting, it has since evolved into a space where non-parenting partner issues are also discussed. I don't believe that this thread (or any thread re: poly families) would be out of place there, but I think the QP forum is also an appropriate discussion forum for Poly family issues, I suppose it really just depends on wherever the posters feel most comfortable posting.

post #42 of 1038
Thread Starter 
okay thanks for the clarification
post #43 of 1038
So we were at a play the other night (The Full Monty which was wonderful BTW) and she drops a bomb on me that her and her ex are going to "give it another go" Ok, fine, except that leaves me wondering where I'm going to fit in to all of this.

She tells me that she doesn't really want to get back together, in fact they were fighting over the phone when he tells her he still loves her and wants to make things work. She admits that it's more about financial convenience than anything else and that if they do get back together they will have to have a 2 bedroom house.

They tried the poly thing before. Origionally she met this woman and wanted to pursue a relationship with her, her DH was furious and jealous so that didn't pan out. They discussed it and he agreed that she could date women providing that he was in on it and that neither of them could do anything with anyone else unless they were both there. Until he met a woman that wasn't bi and eventually things petered out and his wife.

They have a ton of problems in their relationship, a lot of anger and mistrust. This freakin sucks because I finally met someone that I am compatable with and had fun being around. I know there is no way that I can be involved with her romantically once her DH is back in the picture (in Nov.)

In a way I just want to just be friends because I know that if I am involved romantically with her these next two months it's just going to be hard to let go when he gets to town but then again I just want to take what I can get an enjoy this while I can because I really don't know if I will ever meet anyone again.

She tells me just hang in there and we'll see what happens when he comes around but honestly I don't see how she and I could be together once he is, I can imagine that he would be jealous and hurt because he's not part of it. This freakin sucks
post #44 of 1038
awwww barb i'm soooo sorry. it was so nice getting to see you be happy with a girl for once. i so hope everything pans out better than you think it will

post #45 of 1038
Sorry. That ex sounds like a real piece of work! :

I'm not exactly in happy fun land lately, myself. : DH and I are bickering a lot. It's pretty run of the mill stuff, but it does take a lot out of me. The boyfriend (long distance) has been pulling the disappearing act. I haven't heard from him in over two weeks (doesn't answer emails, doesn't sign onto IM, turns his cell off) yet he is able to update his webcomic and take stupid quizzes and blog them. The latter was just tonight, and it just set me off. Even a freaking QUIZ takes precedence over me? I feel like I'm absolutely nothing to him anymore. And it's absolutely draining all of my energy and ambition for anything. I just want to mope around all the time and wait for him. I'm this close to sending him a "drop dead, loser" email, and yet... I have trouble believing that he really means to hurt me. Although I'm starting to suspect he has some honesty issues. We've been together 3 years, btw. Long enough that I should know his character, right?

I think if I keep going I'll just be rambling, and I haven't even been drinking.
post #46 of 1038
Why can DH not understand that late pregnancy (36 weeks when it all started, 38 weeks now) is NOT a good time to go find a new girlfriend? And that essentially forcing the the relationship on me is not going to make me feel very friendly towards either their or our relationship?

Is he *trying* to drive me away? Because I'm near that point (primarily for non-poly related reasons). I love him, but I'm getting really tired of being put through hell for his whims.

If she's not at a point in her life where she can comprehend "Now is not a good time - my wife is about to have a baby" and be willing to wait until things are a little more stable, then perhaps she isn't a good person to try to integrate into our lives until she matures a little.

I like her just fine. If he waited a few months, I'd probably be fine with it. But right now I need him here for me, not disregarding my feelings and needs for the sake of a relationship that he thinks might be promising.
post #47 of 1038
I would definitely think that a mature person would realize when to back off, a new baby is a really tough time for any family let alone a poly one. How hard.

Thanks Selissa, you know we went out on Fri and again tonight and we had such a great time together, I'm not going to stop seeing her until I have to. Just make the best of the situation
post #48 of 1038
Thread Starter 
I would definitely think that a mature person would realize when to back off, a new baby is a really tough time for any family let alone a poly one. How hard.
post #49 of 1038
To be fair to her, I haven't talked to her directly (and won't get a chance for another few weeks, as she's currently out of town). For all I know, DH is telling her I'm fine with everything.
post #50 of 1038
Originally Posted by Sharlla View Post
She tells me just hang in there and we'll see what happens when he comes around but honestly I don't see how she and I could be together once he is, I can imagine that he would be jealous and hurt because he's not part of it. This freakin sucks
As she said... "just hang in there and we'll see what happens". Leave it at that.

We'll can talk more about this.

Hang in there.
post #51 of 1038
Originally Posted by dawnadelle View Post
As she said... "just hang in there and we'll see what happens". Leave it at that.

We'll can talk more about this.

Hang in there.
Psssss, you should answer your phone when I call
post #52 of 1038
Hi! I just found this thread, though I'd known there was something for polys on here.

I've pretty much always been poly. DH and I have been together for 3 years, married recently. It took him awhile but he got the hang of it. Meanwhile I went in the other direction... Although I would never want to be officially monogamous, I would only want to get involved if the chemistry & connection were really worth it. We're vaguely hoping to do some co-habitating with friends and family somewhere down the road, and that would make me happy in a poly sort of way too.

Originally Posted by mum2sarah View Post
We are very new to poly, and, I'm afraid, not succeeding very well, so maybe you guys can offer some support/advice.
My advice is strongly biased by my own experience. As far as poly is concerned, take it slow at first. Don't jump to any sudden conclusions. I think at first there's the euphoria that comes with poly... and also the desire to "do polyamory". I get the impression that sometimes at first people push it a little too hard, they try to make their lives fit poly instead of poly fitting their lives. So to speak. Sometimes it might be better to back off and make some restrained choices.

I feel strange when I, for instance, kiss one man for the first time after I had been with the other man.
I think this can be normal.

So that's what I think about being poly especially early on... as far as your relationship goes, I don't know! Trust your instincts.

It does occur to me that there may be a connection between your codependant mutual identification (or whatever the proper phrase would be) and the fact that both of you had few interests outside of the marriage. Or did you mean interests in a romantic sense? Nevermind then.
post #53 of 1038
We have occasional "friends" and another couple we have been seeing recently but to our kids every body is just a friend. The other couple are AP parents too, so we share alot of ideas. I am so glad that someone thought to start this thread since it is usually a taboo topic.
post #54 of 1038
Well, I think it is taboo because people are afraid of their own natural feelings- like masturbation was- and I guess to some still is. I think it is very normal especially for women to be attracted to other women- we are beautiful, and who can resist beauty? But aside from the fear of ones feelings is also the belive that has been pounded into our brains that to be a "good law abiding" person we have to love one person, of the proper sex- anything out of that is "bad". So, many people live their whole lives being sacred that someone will find out their true feelings. Fear is the most evil of all.

I was wondering what the dynamics are of the women here- for me I could not have a VEE relationship- where one of us has a relationship with another outside of our family. I could not have my partner going off to see someone else and not find myself upset. We are looking to form a living family- a triad- that all lives under the same house.

But, that is my views, so tell me yours- tell me how your family dynamics are!
post #55 of 1038
i use to think that I wanted a triad dynamic, that is until DH and I got to seriously talking with someone about it and I realized that it's not something that I really want, sure its a fun little fantasy but when it comes down to the nuts and bolts its too much for me. I've come to realize that I don't want to share a partner with him. I don't want either of our future partners living with us either.

DH use to have a GF and i was kind of ok with that, I was dealing with depression, insecurities and it really didn't help the fact that she didn't like me and wanted him to leave me. I think if he wanted to date women now I am much better equipped emotionally to handle things but DH doesnt want to date.

I'm dating a woman, I've been talking with her husband and he is completely supportive of her and I being together. I'd still like to meet another woman as well though, someone who is more agressive, I'm not use to dating submissive people and I'm not really liking it too much.
post #56 of 1038
Originally Posted by Sharlla View Post
it really didn't help the fact that she didn't like me and wanted him to leave me.
Ooh, I have sooo btdt. DH seems to attract this certain type of woman... : and it takes him a while to catch on. Poor guy hasn't been seeing anyone in a long time, maybe due to this.

As far as our relationship dynamic, I'm the hinge of a V. Theoretically, all three of us are also seeking, or at least open to, other female partners. Whether there ends up being any overlap or not (ie shared partners between any of us) doesn't matter. I think the ideal is a quad cohabitating thing, but I'm not holding my breath. Though I suppose if I want The Perfect Woman For All Of Us I'll have to find her myself, if I wait around for these guys to do it I'll be waiting forever.
post #57 of 1038
Thread Starter 
Did you guys catch the poly families on Tyra yesterday? I don't normally watch her but when I noted the subject I had to check it out....
post #58 of 1038
just wanted to offer some hugs and support to everyone here
post #59 of 1038
I'm poly-bi(mostly lesbian) and my husband is figuring it out-bi(mostly straight). So far we've not met anyone that we would even consider individually or together. We're pretty particular and don't really live in a population dense area. The emotional part of polyamoury is a million times more important to me than the sexual. I've had triad relationships before and I find myself so fulfilled and content.
post #60 of 1038
Hi Hanno-

I am currently living in Washington State right now on business, but I "Really" live up in the U.P. That is where my home and heart are.... You said you live in a petty population dense area- is that northern??? I think many people think if MI as very populated but once you get past flint you got nothing baby! I personally like the UP and also around Alpena- except I find it very hard to find organic or healthy anything for that matter around Alpena (our family has a cabin there in Hillman.)

Anyway- wanted to say Hi- I miss home now.....
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