New Posts  All Forums:
 

Poly Families - Page 36

post #701 of 1038
6/13/09 at 1:22pm
Welcome, Lillitu!

You may also like:

Sitting or Squatting: What's Really Best in the Bathroom?
There Is Not Always a "Fix" For the Difficult Child
10 Things You Don't Need For a New Baby
post #702 of 1038
6/13/09 at 3:04pm
Hello ladies!

Random question: Anyone ever feel like limiting contact with others in a poly relationship? I know this is probably going to sound weird but... Urgh, lemme explain.

So I'm madly in love with my redhead, and that's all fabulous. Last weekend I went out without him and I spent some time with someone else. It was fun and everything, but it felt wrong to me, I wish I hadn't done it. The entire situation left me feeling not like I don't want ot be poly, but really like I should be concentrating on tHRH. This isn't to say that I think tHRH should only be thinking about me, though-- I still want him to be free to explore and play and (obviously) to spend time with his other girlfriend, but for me... I just don't want anyone else right now. I think I've managed to express this to tHRH, but I'm a little worried that he'll take it to mean that he shouldn't be spending time with other people and I really don't want that to happen.

Weird, huh? Any thoughts?
post #703 of 1038
6/13/09 at 5:53pm
I don't think it's weird at all. Do what you feel is comfortable.

In our situation, I'm perfectly happy with boyfriend and girlfriend. Boyfriend says he can't handle anymore girls (and he's 99% straight, so...). And girlfriend has a couple of guys that she hangs out with once in a while. So while he and I are perfectly welcome to go out and be with others, we're not actively doing that at the moment.
post #704 of 1038
6/13/09 at 8:44pm
welcome lilitu!

eilonwy, i agree with sk. do what feels right for you. just because you're poly doesn't mean you *have* to be seeing other people all the time.
post #705 of 1038
6/14/09 at 10:46am
Okay so I am totally new to even the concept of "poly", so can someone help clarify?

Define "swinger"- I mean I know what TV defines it as, but realistically, what is a "swinger"?
I feel like, at this point in my life, what I'm really interested in is sexual experience with women. No flames please- I don't mean to be an animal! I just haven't had any experience with women beyond kissing in my entire life (and that was in high school), and I am undoubtedly a bisexual being. I feel like someday I would really like to have a sexual experience with a woman. In my other post (Bi while married), I had stated that I wouldn't be comfortable with a 3some, but now I am not sure. I think I could be into it, if it were the right girl!


I posted in QP about my own situation, "Bisexual while married". I am more than a little unsure about my conclusions, since DH and I have very vague understanding that our relationship is "open". I don't need to know what the "rules" are for our marriage, and frankly, I don't want there to be rigid "rules"! On the other hand, we've got to know what the other person would or wouldn't be comfortable with and respect that. What I'm really unsure about is what I would feel comfortable with on DH's end of the deal... I can see myself having real issues sharing him with another woman. I don't want to add anyone to our relationship, or cohabitate. I suppose my motives are purely sexual at this point, and probably won't materialize as long as LO is little. I guess my feelings are about sexual repression, as I wouldn't ever want to be with another man. He is the only man for me! Does that make sense? Am I weird?

I'd love to hear some thoughts on my situation.
Thanks in advance!
post #706 of 1038
6/14/09 at 11:23am
pyjama.mama you sound pretty normal to me
and I can't imagine anyone around here flaming you for saying you're interested in women

I think give it time. if your dh is comfortable with it, and the right girl comes along, then go for it. and as usual, lots of honest comunication.
post #707 of 1038
6/14/09 at 6:31pm
Communication is key and even then, be open to things evolving and changing. And my advice is to do things you are comfortable with, just because everyone else is doing it one way, don't feel that you have to be the same.

After about a year of being poly and trying various variations on relationships, I have decided that it isn't working. We broke up with our girlfriend - mainly because my dh has trouble expressing interest in other women. I really think he is just wired monogamously, though bless his heart, he tried really hard for me to be poly. That leaves me - a pretty flaming lesbian with a dh I love to figure out what I am doing - and baby on the way doesn't make things any easier but it does slow down the decision process. Right now I can be content without a female partner because I am so wrapped up in baby. I know it will come up in the future though and wondering how to handle it. DH is not against me having a girlfriend though, which is wonderful.
post #708 of 1038
6/14/09 at 9:14pm
remijo, i've been there. a pretty flaming lesbian with a DH and a baby (how did that happen ) he was the most hard-wired monogamous person I'd ever met. ever. but slowly slowly, we've worked it out. I have girlfriends. he doesn't. being poly doesn't mean we both have to be seeing other people.
the only condition we have is that my GFs need to also be friends with him - he doesn't want to be emotionally excluded.
and yeah, LOADS of open, honest communication. and patience. and a little red wine
post #709 of 1038
6/15/09 at 10:12am
I think it's more that I can't see myself being interested in a serious relationship with a woman. I thought that because what I am interested in is sexual exploration, I might sound... superficial? Know what I mean? I mean I'm not saying I'd never want a relationship with a woman. But at this point in my life, that's as far as I can think.

I hope I'm not perpetuating a double-standard: I'll restate what I said before. DH is the only man for me, but I do desire women!
I guess my question is this: Is it unfair that I would more than likely have issues with DH being intimate with another woman, but that I want that freedom to explore?

Let me know what you think.
post #710 of 1038
6/15/09 at 10:44am
Just my opinion for what its worth - it really depends on your husband. If he is the kind of guy that is going to get resentful about you being able to do what he should be able to do, it might be a serious cause for concern. Even if he says he is ok with it, you really need to probe his feelings on it. And honestly, I don't know many guys that are totally ok with their wives having sex with other women which they are not a part of or that they can't do themselves - its an evolutionary instinct to spread seed. My dh is one guy that is not into sex that much, has slept with less women than I have, and a threesome does not make him drool...but it was still a good decision to let him explore too just to balance the relationship out. However, its not wrong of you to want that, there may just be problems in executing the plan.
post #711 of 1038
6/15/09 at 10:47am
Quote:
Originally Posted by majikfaerie View Post
remijo, i've been there. a pretty flaming lesbian with a DH and a baby (how did that happen ) he was the most hard-wired monogamous person I'd ever met. ever. but slowly slowly, we've worked it out. I have girlfriends. he doesn't. being poly doesn't mean we both have to be seeing other people.
the only condition we have is that my GFs need to also be friends with him - he doesn't want to be emotionally excluded.
and yeah, LOADS of open, honest communication. and patience. and a little red wine
Thanks majikfaerie, you made me feel a whole lot better. One thing my dh is good at is open, honest communication. He could write the book on being a communicative dh which is wonderful because I could use some lessons.
post #712 of 1038
6/15/09 at 10:58am
DP & I have been poly since day one... so that is ummm, well over a decade. We've both had a couple long term relationships and lots of short term "flings" over the years. There are times (as we are currently), when we are happy to just be a couple as we work through this or that.

I feel that Poly has nothing to do with your current situation and everything to do with your attitude, beliefs and openness to possibilities.

Another flaming lesbian with a DH and a baby (well he is 7, so not a baby anymore )...
post #713 of 1038
6/15/09 at 1:56pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by remijo View Post
Just my opinion for what its worth - it really depends on your husband. If he is the kind of guy that is going to get resentful about you being able to do what he should be able to do, it might be a serious cause for concern. Even if he says he is ok with it, you really need to probe his feelings on it. And honestly, I don't know many guys that are totally ok with their wives having sex with other women which they are not a part of or that they can't do themselves - its an evolutionary instinct to spread seed. My dh is one guy that is not into sex that much, has slept with less women than I have, and a threesome does not make him drool...but it was still a good decision to let him explore too just to balance the relationship out. However, its not wrong of you to want that, there may just be problems in executing the plan.
I think what I would feel uncomfortable with is the prospect of sharing him emotionally with another woman, not so much physically... But the thing is, if he was having sex with other women, that would be opening up the possibility of him literally spreading his seed, i.e. having a child with another woman: this I would not be okay with.

I want to be my husband's Only Vagina and I want him to be my Only Penis!
Is there any sense to my double standard?
post #714 of 1038
6/15/09 at 2:05pm
Mama.Pajama, even with you clarification... it completely depends on your relationship with your husband. If he is okay with these parameters, then it works. If not, then back to the drawing board.

I know many poly folk that have a list of "rules." DP's & my relationship doesn't work like that but if it works for you, it works for you. (...you in the general sense)
post #715 of 1038
6/15/09 at 9:58pm
pyjama.mama i think it is a double standard, but so what? if you're both okay with that. there's loads of double standards in life. everything doesn't have to be 100% equal in every way. I reckon if your dh is comfortable with your experimentation, then why not?
post #716 of 1038
6/16/09 at 9:26am
Thanks Indigo and MajikFaerie. I figured it was a double standard. I just didn't want to be someone with a double standard!
I guess when the time is right DH and I should discuss the details of what is okay with us. I don't know if the time will be right until something comes up, if and when it does.

Question for MajikFaerie:
Just out of curiosity, have you asked your husband if he wants to be in on anything or have his own freedom to explore?
post #717 of 1038
6/16/09 at 9:58am
i totally encourage my dp to explore and he has been "in" on things with a few of my GFs (who were reciprocally into it ). he's just not that drawn to seeing other people but he does respect my need to have relationships with women

and I don't think there's a problem with double standards, per se. I mean, (generalising here), we expect men to put the toilet seat down, but not women to put it up. We laugh when women make sexist jokes, but get all offended and feminist if men do it. We go all PC if someone tells an Irish joke, but it's quaint if an Irish does it. etc.
there are loads of double standards all the time. it's only a problem, indeed, only even noticed at all if both parties aren't in consent to the double standard. if you're both okay with that, no problem.
post #718 of 1038
6/16/09 at 10:22am
You make some good points.

From previous conversations with DH about my sexuality, he has given me the impression that he would totally understand if I wanted to get with a woman. Then, I thought it would be a double standard, and told him so. In response, he said, "But you were that way [attracted to females] before we got together- I wouldn't expect you to change or not be yourself." We also discussed his own double standard, which is that to him, it's different if a woman has extramarital relationships with women vs. men- he thinks it's acceptable for women to have relationships outside of marriage with women, but not with men- "It's different." he said.
How would you interpret this? I mean, it sounds like he's saying he'd be okay with me exploring with women. But I don't want to jump the gun, if you know what I mean... Not like there'd be any immediate gun to jump, but you know what I'm saying.
post #719 of 1038
6/16/09 at 10:32am
for a lot of people, same-sex relations aren't the same as hetero. it's something like you're going outside of the relationship to get something your partner can't offer. a bit like shopping in your family's general store, but still occasionally going over to the asian foods up the road, because the general store doesn't stock lime pickle, which you have a craving for.
okay, not the best analogy, but i think you get the idea.

anyway, there's no need to jump the gun - just come right out and ask him
post #720 of 1038
6/16/09 at 10:47am
Majikfaerie, I loved your analogy.

That is the message I got from him, that he feels that they are not the same. I will ask him though, to make it clear!

I'm really glad I was lead to this thread- this is debatably the best insight I've gotten on MDC!

You may also like:

Sitting or Squatting: What's Really Best in the Bathroom?
There Is Not Always a "Fix" For the Difficult Child
10 Things You Don't Need For a New Baby