Poly Families - Page 37

[majikfaerie]

thanks it's all just my opinion though

[Mama.Pajama]

I guess I meant just because it seems like it's the most relevant to my overall well-being, if you know what I mean.

[Ravin]

I think I've posted on this thread before, but it was waay back, and I only just read the last six pages or so to catch up. To re-introduce myself, I live in a triad with DH and GF (Also referred to as DW#2). Our situation is closer to being polygynous than a completely three-sided thing; GF and I are more like sisters most of the time; DH is primary rel for both of us, and we tend to only be intimate with each other in his presence.

Anyway, we've been together as the three of us since November 2007, but DH's known GF for years and years, they dated way back before he even met his first wife, when they were like 16 and 19 or something like that. GF moved in with us in part to get away from a bad relationship; but everything worked out so well that we decided to make it permanent. My DD took everything in stride, being a preschooler when the whole thing started. She calls GF by her first name, and knows that she's in charge when I'm not around; honestly I think she minds her better than she does me! GF has two DS's ages 11 and 13 from a previous marriage (not the bad rel she got away from to move in with us, but she was only divorced this year after years of separation, and pretty much because her EXH wanted to get re-married). They live with their dad primarily, but come visit about one weekend a month and a month in summer. They like us; maybe partly because we like them, and unlike GF's ex (who has now been relegated to friend with occasional benefits), we encourage their bond with their mom rather than acting jealous of the time she spends with them. Also they see how much being with us makes GF happy. They and DD get along really well, too, and have I think started feeling a bit like actual siblings.

Originally Posted by letabug

I was just wondering if anybody has any information or resources for information regarding a poly household when 1 member is active duty military. Especially in situations when the active duty member is married to a woman who has a male bf. After reading through some of the UCMJ thing there would be no adultery or homosexual behavior on the active duty person. I was just wondering how something like that would work if anybody knows of resources I would really appreciate it!

It's pretty much the same as being gay, from a practical standpoint. "Don't ask, don't tell, don't get caught". With the BF being non-military, your biggest challenges are going to be with living situations. He can't live on base with you, and if your family gets stationed overseas and he wants to go with, he won't be able to under the Status of Forces Agreement; He'd have to pay his own way and get a regular Visa, etc. I'm pretty sure as long as you're married to the military member, any kids you have that he's willing to claim (biological father notwithstanding) can be covered by his insurance and stuff--I covered my stepdaughter after DH and I got married, and she didn't even live with us. From a day to day practical standpoint, it's a matter of keeping private life separate from work for your DH, which can be very healthy stateside, but very hard to do on a deployment.

[GoGoGirl]

Need Poly Advice, Mamas (and Papas!)

(Edited for privacy)

Thanks for the advice, mamas. I really appreciate it.

[eilonwy]

I'd be upset, too. My thoughts are a) it may well be time to renegotiate the rules and b) failing to adhere to whatever rules are agreed upon would be an absolute dealbreaker for me because of the implied failure to communicate. I mean... it's not the rules, it's the discussion that's important, and the paying attention. I know that I could do X without the world ending even though it's against the 'rules,' but if I do Y there's going to be trouble and even if I stick with X it needs to be discussed as soon as possible.

Sorry, I don't think I'm being terribly clear; I've got a bad headache.

[remijo]

Actually I thought Eilonwy's answer was great - its not really about breaking the rules or subsequents feelings - its about the fact that communication has obviously fallen through somewhere and one partner doesn't seem as concerned about the other partner's feelings. Would he be upset if you did the same thing? I think the rules do need to be re-evaluated but most of all, I don't think it could be left at just that- he is trying to brush it under the rug which doesn't seem at all fair. But that is just my opinion. I guess I feel for you as well as a new mama, that's a particularly vulnerable time.



Welcome Ravin!

[Ravin]

Thanks, remijo!

GoGo...

Rules that are made to protect the heart hurt when broken. There are ways to talk through them other than formal counseling, though. DH and I have often written out the hard stuff; both of us (but especially me) can be more eloquent and patient in communicating with the written word. We spent the first two years of our marriage separated (I was in Japan in the Navy, he was here in AZ in school), and email and letters were often our only communication for months (both being so much less expensive and easier to mesh into life than those oh-so-precious phone calls). In some ways, we communicated during those years better than we do now, sometimes.

Have the two of you ever sat down and explicitly discussed and written out your rules, or have they remained unwritten and, perhaps, to some degree unspoken? I think you should encourage your partner to sit down and write out the rules as he understands them. You do the same, and compare notes. You don't need a third party in the room to do this.

You need to work on rebuilding the lines of communication. And at some point, you need to forgive him. Forgiving someone you love doesn't mean forgetting the mistake and brushing it under the rug. You both, and especially your partner, need to learn from what happened. But it is a necessary part of working through things.

[tatangel19]

Just wanted to bring it back..

[Ravin]

Cool. I had a rather interesting time recently coming out on a homeschooling board that's predominantly conservative/Christian. I got some negative feedback and a little bit of outright rudeness, but just as much "hmm, interesting" and "good for you, thanks for having the courage to share" type stuff.

Are y'all out about being poly? How do people react if you are?

[eilonwy]

I'm pretty honest about things, but I don't generally offer information. It doesn't come up all that often, but when it does I'm honest. I suppose things would be different if our living arrangements were different, though.

[majikfaerie]

we're pretty out. we dont talk about it so openly with dp's family, but we're not closeted.

[Peacemamalove]

DH and I have always been poly but once we were married we became monogamous in the beginning of our relationship we had a mutual girlfriend but then Dh got jealous so it kinda fizzled out. Well it has been 10 years since then and we are just talking about it now and how we would like to have that openness in our relationship again.

We have a lot going on in our lives right now, three kids , jobs, and life . It really seems impossible to even imagine trying to find someone else to have a relationship with . I also think a lot has to do with the area we live in just a very small town in Northern Vermont ( ya know where everybody knows everybody) !

My brother in law was talking to my DH about how my sister hates him looking at other women . Dh said "oh my wife usually is the one saying isn't she hot "

I would love to know how others deal with being poly and family ..My mother thinks it is wrong as does my sister.

Also wondering how open others are in front of other people like being affectionate etc. ?

[Indigo73]

If asked, we talk about it, but we don't advertise... so to speak. If it comes up in conversation, we will talk about it freely.

As for my folks... well I am the odd duck for so many other reasons, that poly just another drop in the bucket. Something else to mutter or roll their eyes over, but nothing new.

DP's mom is extremely open minded besides, his family is extremely ummmm dysfunctional, so he is considered one of the sane ones despite them knowing of (and often meeting) his boy/girlfriends.

[Indigo73]

Also, we are pretty open with our affection - holding hands, cuddling, touching, prolonged hugging. Whatever is suitable for the situation we are in.

[eilonwy]

Originally Posted by zahirakids

I would love to know how others deal with being poly and family ..My mother thinks it is wrong as does my sister.

My mother shakes her head a lot and says, "Strange people" or some such. It's all vaguely amusing. One of my sisters said, "That's called 'cheating;'" I told her it was only cheating if you were lying. She's one to talk, though... *mutter* My other sister *knows* she has no room to talk, so she doesn't. Mike's parents don't know, but they have heard about THRH (the kids are REALLY fond of him). They seem to think that I'm going to run off with THRH and leave Mike with the kids. It's so not happening. I think that finding out that THRH has another girlfriend would throw them right over the thin line between sanity and the lack thereof.

Also wondering how open others are in front of other people like being affectionate etc. ?

Very. I'm in love, what can I say? : He's just as silly with me. : The folks who work at the train station must see plenty of it, but they're still terribly amused by us.

[majikfaerie]

Originally Posted by Indigo73

Also, we are pretty open with our affection - holding hands, cuddling, touching, prolonged hugging. Whatever is suitable for the situation we are in.

yep, this is us too.
though we don't have any issues with "in front of family" stuff, as we don't have any family around at all. my kid sister did come to stay at my birthday, and we were all 3 of us canoodling around the house, but my sister is just as funky as me in general (and she's 23 so I should stop calling her a kid )

[Mama.Pajama]

Back to square one...? :o/

I've posted here before, and I guess this is kind of an updated musing/solicitation for advice/input from those with experience.

A little while ago, DH and I agreed to freedom. A little while later, when my friend and I were talking about taking it to the next level (which DH was completely informed and consensual of), I began to feel weird... Like I was doing something wrong. I began to be afraid that, regardless of our (DH & I) mutual understanding, becoming intimate with my friend would damage my relationship with DH. I talked to DH about my feelings. He said it felt weird to him too. He admitted that, despite previous conversations to the contrary, he likes the idea of a monogamous relationship, but he just doesn't believe in marriage, i.e. being legally bound to another person eternally. He said that although the concept of polyamory is attractive, is just doesn't seem feasible or realistic for him.

Back to square one... Or are we? I don't know.
I am 21 years old, and DH is 22. We are restless youths, struggling to escape stagnation, desperate to maintain passion in our lives. DH works 2 jobs while succeeding as a full-time student, and I am a SAHM. As of this moment, the only passion in my life is for my son... We feel so trapped and stuck- we feel like OLD PEOPLE . We need to live! I want desperately to go to art school- I am absolutely starved of artistic expression, and I need that sense of creative community. Unfortunately, the financial aid would be split between us, so in order for DH to graduate on schedule, I must wait. I only mention these things to shine a light on the cause of our "stagnation." DH is my best friend- I want him to have passion in his life!

I thought that absolving the "rules" of monogamy would open up some possibilities for passion and excitement...

Any advice?

[Peacemamalove]

For me personally I feel you need to be secure in your relationship before thinking of adding anymore.

Sometimes things need to wait and you need to prioritize. I also know that from my own experience there is an adjustment period in the beginning and that feeling will subside.

I would love to hear what others have to say!

[majikfaerie]

mama.pajama I'd say that many people find dissolving all the rules of monogamy doesn't really work. for a healthy poly relationship, more important is to have a clear agreement and open communication. I think that's true of a monogamous relationship as well; just that part of the agreement is exclusivity.
and give it time. sounds like your life is really hectic right now, but it doesn't last forever.

[Peacemamalove]

Any ideas on how to find other poly couples that live in your area?