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Poly Families - Page 39

post #761 of 1038
Quote:
Originally Posted by erthe_mama View Post
Wow... maybe you guys could all get an apartment together? Like a 3bdrm?
An apartment would be great, but we can't find a decent one in our price range that will take a dog and cat (or three). We can't make anything easy.

Hope your second date goes well!
post #762 of 1038
Quote:
Originally Posted by majikfaerie View Post
that's good news erthemama. hope it goes well.
and... you're dating the delivery man? I thought that only happened in stereotypes LOL
I shouldn't talk. I once dated a guy I met when he was processing my application at the welfare office he actually edited my application slightly so I got more money
Heehee... I know, right? In all fairness, he did make the first move though. And that's totally awesome about the guy at welfare. Sweet.

Quote:
Originally Posted by serenekitten View Post
An apartment would be great, but we can't find a decent one in our price range that will take a dog and cat (or three). We can't make anything easy.

Hope your second date goes well!
Awww... boo-urns. If you lived in my area, I could get you a 2bdrm for $375, but it probably still wouldn't be big enough I s'pose. I hope one comes up for you all though!

And thanks!
post #763 of 1038
Quote:
Originally Posted by erthe_mama View Post
Awww... boo-urns. If you lived in my area, I could get you a 2bdrm for $375, but it probably still wouldn't be big enough I s'pose. I hope one comes up for you all though!

And thanks!
Wow... I wish I could find a place for $375, even if it was just me and the kiddo. The cost of housing in these parts is insane.

The couple and I were discussing holidays, yesterday. My parents divorced when I was a teenager, so I know how it is to have to split holidays between families. I'm not sure how it's going to work out for the kiddo. Thanksgiving and Christmas are the two big events I'm most worried about. I'll probably take DS to see my family on Christmas Eve, and then spend Christmas with boyfriend's family. It doesn't really matter how we split it up -- the families (i.e. mine) will still hate it.
post #764 of 1038
ooh holidays. I never really thought about that, since I don't have any contact with my family, and DP's family live in another country it's not such a big deal. not to mention we don't celebrate xmas or easter or thanksgiving or any of that. LOL
post #765 of 1038
Oooh, thanks for reminding me, you two! It just sparked a discussion with Sonja about holidays. We're going to do Thanksgiving and Xmas day with her parents, and Xmas Eve with my family. Her parents live a lot farther and only get to see us a few times a year since they usually refuse to come into the city for any kind of occasion (her mother claims illness caused by pollution) so it makes it difficult to spend much time with them, whereas nearly my whole family (mom, siblings, grandparents, etc) live in the same city as us, and we spend most of our special occasions (birthdays, etc.) with them.

Also, I doubt this new guy and I will be close enough by this years holidays to have to worry about that yet, and I know that Sonja and her bf never spend holidays with eachothers' family. So that settles that. *whew*
post #766 of 1038
Hey everyone how is life going?? Dh and I are still searching for another it seems to be so hard to find anyone out here!!!

Plus life is so hectic with 3 children sometimes!
post #767 of 1038
going good i guess. dp and I are "single" atm, but not actively looking really
post #768 of 1038
Worth a mention-MTV's "True Life" is airing an episode about polyamory on Monday at 10. Here's to hoping it goes better than last time polyamory was featured on MTV...

http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2...ng-to-mtv.html
post #769 of 1038
Hi! I'm still reading through this thread and have only made it to page 9 but I need help!!

I had seen mention of poly families here and in other communities and it fascinated me. I talked to DF about it and we agreed that people who are able to share their hearts with more than one person are amazing and the whole concept was fascinating but not for us.

Fast forward to a couple years later and DF met a girl at work who he just clicked with and they developed a friendship. He thought it was amazing that she had so much in common with me and asked me to meet her on the basis that he thought we'd all be great friends. Then I met this girl in question. OMG! Yeah...the three of us have an amazing relationship right now!! Ed and I both care very deeply for her and she cares for both of us. The 3 of us have all agreed that we want this to be long term- preferably permanent and none of us are looking for a "fling". In fact, she said that she doesn't "believe in flings" : It's very much a relationship where everyone is involved with everyone and we are all committed to each other so there won't be other partners- just us.

We weren't looking for this but the chemistry is amazing so we're not going to just turn away from it. We're certainly not going to rush into cohabitation, co-parenting, sharing finances, etc as it's still new but to be perfectly honest- I see that being something we'll end up doing in the future.

My problem is that we haven't told many people. I told my cousin-who has been in a similar situation however her relationship ended badly She is supportive of us though and said it sounds like we have a good relationship and she is happy for us! My mother basically just said "oh" and is refusing to pass judgement- I had her tell my father because honestly, it's just easier on me b/c I get nervous/shy talking to him about that kind of stuff. He didn't really say anything and nothing bad so that's good I told a good friend of mine who is THRILLED for us. Then I told another friend whom I hold very dear to me and her reaction has left me kind of irked and hurt.

She said that she feels someone will get burned in the end. - This statement to me shows lack of faith in our relationship and lack of support. Furthermore, Ed and I have already discussed this- should issues arise between our relationship, we'll put an end to our relationship with this girl. We don't wish to throw out a 7 years of hard work for her but as we both have faith that it's going to work, we're not worried about having to deal with that. Now, my cousin DID get burned in the end with her poly relationship. I'm not naive, I know it can happen however I would rather not let that consume me as then I feel as we're setting ourselves up for failure. Even without our new partner in the picture- there's no gaurantee that Ed and I will never split up but I don't dwell on that!! I highly doubt it will ever happen but that doesn't mean it's not possible. So yes, I'm aware that it could end badly however I choose to be more optimistic right now.

My friend also said that she doesn't think this is a good idea when there are children involved. - Can anyone offer me a viable explanation for this other than the children will hurt if our new partner leaves? This is the only harm I can see coming from our relationship! Obviously we're not doing anything inappropriate in front of the children (there's kissing but not anything different than what Ed and I did before and it's still just like normal relationship affection- nothing inappropriate that children shouldn't see.) I can't see how allowing my children to grow up in an environment where they're seeing bisexuality as being normal or even poly as being normal and not weird is going to have a negative impact on them! All I keep thinking is that it will help shape them into open minded people. Yes I understand that kids can be harsh but since this is so new, I've already asked Adam not to tell people at school as it's our "family business" and it's not any body else's business but ours. I told him that there's nothing wrong with it but other people don't want to know about family stuff and he was satisfied with that. Adam saw me kiss our new partner (he walked in the room when we were just waking up and I had given her a good morning peck) and I explained to him that it's fine for girls to kiss either girls or boys and boys to kiss either girls or boys as long as they're in love and nobody is objecting to being kissed. I also explained to him that she is now part of our family and that I care for her the same way I care about his daddy. This satisfied his curiosity and he went about his business. He's 7 by the way so I didn't think he needed an in depth explanation or anything

The last thing my friend had to say was that she believes our partner is too young for a relationship like this...- WHAT? She'll be 20 next month. She's an adult capable of making decisions on her own. Ed and I are 23 so it's not like there's a huge age gap anyway. Ed and I met at 16 and we knew at 16 that we were meant to be together so I cannot fathom being 20 and being too young to realize that you've fallen in love with someone. She's told us over and over again that this is what she wants and that she wants it to be long term. Why would one just assume that she's basically too young to make this decision? Especially after having only just met her- how can one feel properly equipped to make a decision like that about someone they've met twice? I realize that some people at the age of 20 aren't mature enough to make decisions on their own however I think that it's unfair to say that all 20 year olds are "too young" to fall in love. She's a very level headed and mature woman who KNOWS what she's getting into.

I'm hurt because this is a friend of mine that I talk to everyday and visit very often. We confide in each other and have, what I thought was, a great friendship. Ed, and my cousin, have said that if anyone reacts poorly to our new addition to our family that it's just them showing their true colors and they weren't really very good friends anyway. I agree however it doesn't make the situation hurt any less.

Any ideas on her reaction? Is she right? Is someone going to get burned? Is it really bad for the kids (though I doubt that anyone here would enter into a poly relationship if it was truly bad for the kids!), should we break it off b/c she's so young?

We care very deeply for her so we are being optimistic that this will last. I hate that my friend was so negative when we're being so positive about it. Sure, there will be adjustments but that's to be expected with any new relationship!

Our other problem is she's getting some flack from her ex, he's been telling her that we don't love her, she's just a "pet"/"sex toy"/etc (which IMO is disgustingly degrading!), that this is not a relationship and that it makes him sick, so on and so forth. Her response to him this whole time is that he's close minded and that's why he feels that way. He says he loves her and he wants her to be with him but she keeps telling him that she is with other people and she's happy. I just wish he'd leave her alone and stop trying to make her feel bad kwim?

Her mother and step father aren't supportive. Her step father said this isn't a relationship. Her mother said she "doesn't need this in her life right now" and that they "need to talk". She's made it clear that she doesn't want her daughter to see us and as our partner is currently living with her mother this complicates things a great deal. She does not have a great relationship with her mom but I told her that I don't want to be the reason for further problems so she needs to make this decision based on what SHE feels is right. She said she feels this (our relationship) is right I fear though that her mother will try to forbid her from seeing us and out of respect our partner will do as her mother asks and we will lose her or that her mother will throw her out.

We've already discussed the latter and have agreed that should she be thrown out, she's welcome to stay with us. If that doesn't happen however, we do not wish to rush into cohabitation but I will not make her be homeless so if it comes to that I will open my home up to her.

I understand that this is not a "traditional" relationship but I can't understand why she can't just be happy for her daughter.

I really wish that our friends and family would be more supportive and just be happy for us because we're happy!!
post #770 of 1038
hi dbassett welcome to the tribe
sounds like you're in a good relationship - only you can be the judge of that. I think you already know all the answers to the questions you've asked. the reality is that any relationship is a risk that it might end badly and someone might get burned. I don't see it as a reason not to get into a relationship in the first place.
As to children - I agree - as long as all members of the family are honest, there's no problem with kids seeing grown-ups in poly relationships. really, from the kids' perspective, i don't think there's much difference, except that they have more potential parents to support them.

it's sad that you don't have more support for your relationship, but again, that's a reality that most of the time, for most people, anyone who does anything against the mainstream, there will be opposition. yet here we are, most folk on MDC are doing attachment parenting, breastfeeding, etc, and we survive our kids are happy and healthy.

You know what's right for you, so just be strong in yourselves.
post #771 of 1038
oh, and I forgot what I came here to say!
funnily my last post was that we aren't actively looking for someone, because yesterday I got a phone call from my long-estranged wife, saying that she wants to get back together and move up here to live with us permanently :
should be interesting at least. though who knows if this will actually happen - she's talking about coming up here only next year, after she's worked over the xmas season to make some money and gotten her drivers license.
post #772 of 1038
majikfaerie thanks.

It's gets worse/better/idk.

This morning when Ed was bringing our g/f home from work they stopped by her moms work to tell her that Ed was bringing her and that she didn't need a ride. Her mom told her she needed to go home so they could "talk". She apparently meant right that minute but neither Ed nor DG/F knew that so she came to our house for a little bit.

Ok so they get here at like 7:30/7:45am and I have an prenatal appt at 10:30. Both Ed and DG/F have to work tonight so I told DGF that she should take a nap before the appt and Ed obviously couldn't b/c he had to help DS1 get ready for school and drive him to school- he took a nap after that. We slept til 9:45 and then I got up, got me and Logan ready and went and woke Ed and DGF up.

Had a REALLY crappy prenatal appt (I'm being denied a VBA2C ), and went for lunch at Long John Silvers- nothing special but that's all we could agree upon so that's where we went. Ed had just asked her if she wanted to go back to our house or go home since it was now 1 and her mom had said that she wanted to "talk" when her mom called her cell and started SCREAMING. That's when we all found out that she meant to go home instantly (which IMO honestly makes no sense b/c her mom doesn't get out of work until later than DGF so they wouldn't have been able to talk right away anyway...).

Not only did she scream in a drunken rage (she's an alcoholic) at DGF, she told DGF that she wanted to talk to Ed and then she screamed in a drunken rage at him! Meanwhile, I'm having a panic attack and not able to breathe b/c of this and the bad drs appt.

We dropped her off, in tears. I told Ed that I HATE this but if her mom is going to be like this then it might be in DGF's best interest to just let her go. Though, since her mom yells at her all the time, she'd just find something else to yell at her for The thought of letting her go really hurts though!!

We got home and DGF told Ed online that her mom wanted to talk to him so Ed called and chatted w/drunken mom who expressed how "gullible" her daughter is and how she wouldn't be able to see if she was being used (so not true btw, she's a very bright woman) and how she feared we were going to use and discard her daughter. Ed and DGF FINALLY got her to understand that none of this was planned, it just happened. The sex doesn't matter, that just happened too. We all care about each other and we would NEVER hurt her.

DGF's mom calmed down quite a bit and we learned that she was in a 3 person relationship (don't have details) and it didn't end well so that's part of her problem. According to Ed, she seems somewhat accepting at this point and requested to meet us (er...me as she's already met Ed a few times). While yes, meeting her will probably be good in the long run, I've apparently been having panic attacks very often during this pregnancy and constantly can't breathe because of it so this is going to be A LOT on me because I'm shy and get nervous around new people to begin with. I'll do it, but I'm scared.

DGF told me online though that her mom told her and didn't feel the need to tell Ed that DGF is going to be "required" (lmao- she's an adult so that's silly) to choose between ONE of us. Her mom said it's fine that she's bi but she can only be with me OR Ed : Now- here's the thing. If she DID choose, Ed would not accept any decision other than her choosing me. He'd want us to be happy- he even told me that when I told him about this nonsense. DGF does not intend on choosing though and flat out said "what mom doesn't know won't hurt her". She doesn't agree with having to choose between 2 people she cares for- and I've got to say that's a huge relief because I'd feel TERRIBLE if she decided to be with me and Ed lost her AND I think her choosing would result in serious jealousy issues since we both care for her.

DGF also told me that while her mom has calmed down and is slightly more accepting, her stepdad is still very mad about the situation and does not approve. She also informed me that her mom tends to blindly follow what the stepdad says without ever thinking for herself so it's possible that we're still going to have issues because of stepdad.

As far as meeting them- I don't want to bring my kids (they know about the kids though) b/c like I said, she's an alcoholic but ultimately I'm going to ask DGF if SHE thinks it's a good idea to bring the kids. On some level I think it may be good for them to see how great their daughter is with my boys and see how much my boys love her but then at the same time, I fear that DGF's mom will act inappropriately in front of my boys so Idk.

At this point- I'm hoping the parental meeting will allow them to see that we do NOT ever intend to harm DGF and that we care for her deeply. If they do indeed see this, maybe, just maybe, we can all be one big happy family and I could, for once, have "inlaws" that don't hate me- that'd be nice tbh. Ed's parents have made it clear through the years that they DO NOT like me and since DGF is so much like me, they won't like her either nor will their close minded selves approve of our relationship so it'd be nice if her mom and stepdad would be happy for us.

Idk when we're meeting them yet. I DO know that from our understanding DGF is "allowed" to continue seeing us but I could be wrong.

Oh, Adam asked when DGF was coming back over and I said "Idk, that's up to her mommy" I wasn't negative about it either- I just stated a fact b/c obviously she's not going to want to cause more problems between her and her mom so we may not see her for awhile and he had a lot to say about how she's a grown up and doesn't need to listen to her mommy! Even my 7 year old can see how messed up it is that her mom is being so controlling!!

HOPEFULLY this all works out b/c we can't stand the thought of DGF not being part of our family! Yes this happened quickly but now we can't imagine our lives without her being a part of them! The three of us have an AMAZING chemistry and I'm hoping her mother will see that- that is if she isn't too drunk to remember seeing it afterwards.

I don't mean to bash her mother btw and I know bashing is a nono here. She IS an alcoholic and she is drunk quite frequently. I'm not putting her down, I'm just trying to illustrate how badly her drinking is affecting this situation. She could be a perfectly nice woman but from my understanding her drinking leads to screaming matches thus the problems we're running into. I won't bash a person Idk anyway so please don't interpret this as such.
post #773 of 1038
:
sounds like you're getting into quite a tizzy there. sorry you're being "denied" a VBAC, on what grounds was it "denied"? I won't open up that can of worms too much here since it's OT, but you do realise that it's not a Dr's choice to "allow" or "deny" you what you do with your body and your baby any more than your GF's mother can really "allow" or "deny" anything once she's an adult. (I have to keep reminding myself that in the US you don't become an adult till 21, because it's 18 in pretty much everywhere else on the planet. not sure how that works). but yeah, have you checked out the birth section on mdc or some vbac information outside what your Dr offers?

anyway, I would not bring the kids to the initial meeting. get a sitter. there's just so many ways that could go pear-shaped, and I wouldn't be exposing my kids to a potentially unpleasant situation with a "raging" alcoholic, at least untill I've tested the waters.

most of all, I'd say just breathe, take time to relax and go gently on yourselves. it's okay to slow down and take in the bigger picture.
post #774 of 1038
On the grounds that my chances of uterine rupture have "doubled from 1% to 2%" b/c I have 2 scars I know they can't deny me the right to VBAC but the dr disturbed me when he said the facility is not equipped to perform an emergency c/s immediately as there are no physicians or anesthesiologists on site at all times....uhhhh I'm going somewhere else thanks!

That's what I thought about the kids too. Get a sitter, go meet the mom and make the decision myself as to whether or not she's any kind of person to have near my kids. I do still want to ask DGF b/c she knows her mom best and maybe I'm just being too paranoid.

This is A LOT to handle but assuming it all works out- it will be worth it in the end

She's absolutely amazing.
post #775 of 1038
no matter whether you choose to have your kids meet DGF's mom or not, I'd leave them out of the initial visit.
post #776 of 1038
That's probably a good idea even if she ends up being fine to be around them b/c it's easier for grown up's to talk when my boys aren't running around shrieking like they normally do
post #777 of 1038
Quote:
Originally Posted by majikfaerie View Post
hi dbassett welcome to the tribe
sounds like you're in a good relationship - only you can be the judge of that. I think you already know all the answers to the questions you've asked. the reality is that any relationship is a risk that it might end badly and someone might get burned. I don't see it as a reason not to get into a relationship in the first place.
As to children - I agree - as long as all members of the family are honest, there's no problem with kids seeing grown-ups in poly relationships. really, from the kids' perspective, i don't think there's much difference, except that they have more potential parents to support them.

it's sad that you don't have more support for your relationship, but again, that's a reality that most of the time, for most people, anyone who does anything against the mainstream, there will be opposition. yet here we are, most folk on MDC are doing attachment parenting, breastfeeding, etc, and we survive our kids are happy and healthy.

You know what's right for you, so just be strong in yourselves.
: Even the second post didn't really change this-- you three are adults and can make your own decisions. My mother is not an alcoholic and is not much of a screamer, but in some ways your girlfriend's mother reminds me of her because she's such a victim of everything and is terrified whenever someone in her life shows any streak of responsibility for anything. She assumes that everyone is as gullible as she is, that we're all in danger of being screwed over if we make decisions for ourselves and accept responsibility for our own actions. It messes with her head that anyone is willing to take such risks and be wrong, even get hurt... but eventually, everyone has to do this. All of my siblings except for one have, in fact, and these days mom pretty much submits. We're all much happier having responsibility for our own lives and not playing victims, and the one who IS still playing victim is among the most miserable human beings I've ever encountered.

I guess what I'm saying is, the only thing to which professional victims can submit is any will stronger than their own. I'd be willing to bet that if your girlfriend stopped expending so much energy trying to please/comfort her mother and just stood up and said, "I'm a grown woman, this is my life and this is the way that it's going to be" that she'd rant and rave and scream but that she'd eventually submit and accept. It's liable to change the entire dynamic of the relationship in a way that will be unpleasant to swallow at first, but which will ultimately be very positive.
post #778 of 1038
Quote:
Originally Posted by DBassett View Post
On the grounds that my chances of uterine rupture have "doubled from 1% to 2%" b/c I have 2 scars
Even if you did have a uterine rupture, it's not necessarily harmful/fatal. There's only a 5% chance of that happening out of that "2%", so really teeny minimal risk of anything going badly. The percentage is much higher for you or baby to be harmed by another c-sec!! /rant

Quote:
Originally Posted by eilonwy View Post

I guess what I'm saying is, the only thing to which professional victims can submit is any will stronger than their own. I'd be willing to bet that if your girlfriend stopped expending so much energy trying to please/comfort her mother and just stood up and said, "I'm a grown woman, this is my life and this is the way that it's going to be" that she'd rant and rave and scream but that she'd eventually submit and accept. It's liable to change the entire dynamic of the relationship in a way that will be unpleasant to swallow at first, but which will ultimately be very positive.
That's what I've been thinking throughout this entire thing. She just needs to stand up to her mom. I bet if she told her mom that she was going to be in this relationship no matter what, and threatened to move out, mom would apologise and withdraw. You are all in love with each other, and are happy, and seem to have a healthy relationship with each other. That's what matters.

P.S. Things are still going well with my new bf!! DP likes him too, and I'm thinking we could be in a triad, but they will need to hang out together a bit more before anything can be "decided". We all have lots in common, and bf is even really goofy/silly like us! I'm so happy!!
post #779 of 1038
Idk if it's the stress that her mom is causing, my raging preggo hormones or what but I'm finding myself having second thoughts
Idk why. I really care for this girl and Ed does as well though he maintains that our relationship will always come first.

I feel selfish wanting to be primary but I've just spent the last 7 years in a mono relationship and had intended on spending the rest of my life in a mono relationship. Then we both fell for DGF unexpectedly.

My concerns are that they'll both leave me or DGF will lose interest in me. Ed assured me that, should this happen, he'd break it off with her as he wouldn't want me to feel left out/jealous/uncomfortable. He keeps INSISTING that the most important thing to him is his relationship with me and that the poly relationship would end if our relationship became threatened.

He's been trying VERY hard to keep everyone equally involved so no one feels left out but I still do- and I feel it's probably just me being jealous.

Then there's the OMG what if she eventually wants kids? I care deeply for her but I am not comfortable sharing the baby making role with her. Is this wrong of me? Am I selfish to feel this way? I certainly FEEL selfish but conceiving children is something that I hold dearly to me as something very intimate between myself and Ed.

I'm scared of losing what I have with him but I very much want to be with her as well. Are these normal fears when one first enters a poly lifestyle or should this all be a red flag?

I think I just want to have my cake and eat it too Oh and I've discussed all of this with Ed he admitted to having similar fears but thinks it's just because this is so new to all of us and he has faith that we'll all be fine.
post #780 of 1038

I think you need to take a deep breath and let go of worries about possible futures. Where you are in this moment sounds like a strong relationship, and a good place. focus on this moment
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