Poly Families - Page 41

[majikfaerie]

in my family, DP and I are married, and we have one DD. We date outside the relationship (well, I do - he hasn't so far), and often whomever I'm dating becomes a GF to both of us.
We are relatively open with our child, and we've had a couple GFs in the past who stayed with us long term, and was somewhat of a 3rd parent to DD, though never on an equal level parent-wise as DP and myself.
my long-estranged DW and I are in the process of getting back together, and we've some plans for her to move in with us after xmas, so we'll see how that goes.

I think basically, everyone is different, and everyone needs to work out what works for them in any given situation.

[DBassett]

Originally Posted by majikfaerie

butterflymom,
having poly r'ships with clearly defined boundaries and "primary" agreements is very common.
I think your post might be bordering on... something... that might make people uncomfortable. it sounds like you're trying to be hypothetical, but clearly isn't, and could potentially be ... something like offensive... to the people you're referring to.

I know I might not be sounding very clear here, but yes, jealousy is a normal human emotion. some people feel it more than others, and some deal with it better than others. To think that being truly poly (whatever that is) would require the absence of jealousy would be naive, IMO. A huge part of poly relationships is processing, and communicating about one's jealousy, and working together to deal with that in a healthy, loving, respectful and honest way.

HTH

Thank you

Honestly, I was a bit put off by your post Butterflymom. Ed and I have been together 7 years tomorrow and DGF has been in our lives for a month. We both love her dearly but at this point in time it is important for Ed and I to ensure the safety of our relationship as, IMO (and his) it's ultimately the most important. I hate the way that sounds- that's not to say that DGF isn't important however we've spent the past 7 years working to maintain a relationship that I HONESTLY feel is superior to most relationships. Ed and I, we are very unique and share an absolutely amazing bond. I've told him- he is like an extension of me. We are almost exactly alike to the point where it's actually kind of funny- at least once a day we say the same thing at the same exact time and I mean WORD FOR WORD

We also have similar thought patterns- just today I was telling him some of my feelings (confused feelings relating to DGF but I told him since it's so "new" I'm going to give it time before I act on anything because I think the "confusion" is coming from it still being kind of foreign to me if that makes sense) and he basically told me that he feels the same exact way and didn't know how to word it

Honestly, if we weren't different genders and completely different body types, people may confuse us for each other We're also so close that some people are a bit surprised by it- I can talk to him about ANYTHING and he can do the same with me. Things that most people don't want to hear even... I've told him on many occasions that he truly is my best friend. I've never been so comfortable with anyone else in my entire life and he really is, no matter how cheesy this may sound, the perfect man for me.

With that said, I DO believe, with every fiber of my being, that Ed and I will spend the rest of our lives happily in love with each other. This is hard to assess when you don't know us IRL however I assure you that if you knew us, you'd understand exactly why I say that. At about 6 months into our relationship we got over the whole never fighting thing and we do fight almost constantly about the dumbest things and then we laugh our butts off about how stupid it was afterward Other than that change (which needed to happen b/c the lines of communication needed to open) we've remained as mushy and intimate as we have been since we were 16- if ANYTHING our feelings have only intensified through the years. We've been through more as a couple than most people can imagine and we're still together and still going VERY strong.

THIS is why our relationship is primary. There is NO WAY either of us are willing to threaten what we have. Our friends have even commented on how "weird" our relationship is and some people have told me they envy the closeness I have with Ed as they could NEVER be as open with their partners as we are with each other.

Now- ideally, what I'd like to see happen is a serious long term relationship with DGF that results in the same kind of comfort that Ed and I have with each other and then of course, if we all share the same kind of bond then there would be a chance of my "safety net" coming down and everyone having equal roles.

At this point though, we've agreed that for the safety of our amazing relationship, we NEED to make sure that we're focusing on each other primarily and still working at this beautiful thing that we've always had.

Some may say that with a relationship so wonderful, I shouldn't fear it ending and should just jump in and relinquish my primary status. It is however because it's so wonderful that I fear losing it. I've even admitted to Ed that when I REALLY think about it, I know my feelings are unfounded b/c we've been through so much together, there is no way our relationship will end but for right now, because it's so new, I NEED boundaries so that I feel safe in this journey.

I hope that made sense...

[ErikaG]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

I'd like to pose a question for everyone who reads or posts on this thread. Are there any non-monogomous couples with kids here on this thread? How does that work out for you, and what degree of openness exists in your relationship? Or is everyone here involved with polyamory only? :

I'm not sure why you would define this type of relationship as not polyamorous...it describes my family and my relationship quite accurately. And our relationship is certainly a polyamorous one-one where we accept the possibility or practice of multiple, loving partners/intimate sexual relationships with the consent of everyone involved.

In our case, currently, it happens that my husband isn't involved with anyone else, and I am-I've been involved in a long term relationship with another partner for almost 9 years-that relationship actually pre-dates my involvement with my husband.

[Peacemamalove]

Just wanted to stop in and say hello it has been awhile and looks like I have some catching up to do!

Not too much relationship wise going on here.

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by ErikaG

I'm not sure why you would define this type of relationship as not polyamorous...

Sorry I was unclear. Of course polyamory implies non-monogomy. When I said non-monogomous I meant not juggling/balancing multiple serious/meaningful relationships concurrently (how I imagine polyamory to be), but also not having strict monogomous rules on the primary relationship so that some permissiveness exists to the extent of far-less-important trysts and experiences to occur on the periphery of family life, when one of the adults is apart from the family and the opportunity arises to pursue romance on the side.

Sorry for being offensive, DBassett. I'll refrain from commenting in the future, for fear I'll inadvertently offend again. My curiosity and exploration on the matter can probably be satisfied by silent lurking, so I'll do so.

[majikfaerie]

butterflymom, I don't think you need to refrain from posting, just ask direct questions when you have them, rather than commenting on specific people's situations

anyway, polyamory can take virtually any form that the people in question want it to. at it's very basic point, it merely involves having loving relationships with more than one person.

[Indigo73]

Couldn't say it better myself MF...

Butterflymom, your "example" pretty much covers DP's definition of polyamory for himself, although he's had two "serious" relationships (besides ours, of course), for the most part he is more interested in playing, as he calls it. Which has worked out fine for us for the last, um, 12-13 years.

[erthe_mama]

@ DBassett
You're welcome! I hope you find the books interesting/helpful.

Glad to hear you and Ed are pretty much on the same page as far as PDAs go now. Also glad to hear that DGF is sticking up for you! That must feel really good.

It's great that you're up to considering the possibility of sharing pregnancies as a later time. Good for you!

@ Butterflymom PDP and I have a seven year old son, and are planning more babies. Our son hasn't had an opportunity to really notice that we're poly at all. Our outside relationships are casual enough that probably no one would really be able to tell; not that we're hiding it exactly. lol. (Though I do wonder if my neighbours notice that occasionally there's a man coming and going here while DP is at work and DS is at school... LOL)

We choose to define each other as primary partners for the time being, since both of our DBFs are somewhat casual. If we had someone who became very dear to us both who wanted to be intimately involved in our home lives on the long term, we would consider the possibility of defining it as a triad. That's actually our goal/dream/what-have-you. I think everyone kind of has their own definitions as far as primary, secondary, ect. go though.

Originally Posted by DBassett

Ed and I, we are very unique and share an absolutely amazing bond. I've told him- he is like an extension of me. We are almost exactly alike to the point where it's actually kind of funny- at least once a day we say the same thing at the same exact time and I mean WORD FOR WORD
We're also so close that some people are a bit surprised by it- I can talk to him about ANYTHING and he can do the same with me. Things that most people don't want to hear even... I've told him on many occasions that he truly is my best friend. I've never been so comfortable with anyone else in my entire life and he really is, no matter how cheesy this may sound, the perfect man for me.
With that said, I DO believe, with every fiber of my being, that Ed and I will spend the rest of our lives happily in love with each other. This is hard to assess when you don't know us IRL however I assure you that if you knew us, you'd understand exactly why I say that.
THIS is why our relationship is primary. There is NO WAY either of us are willing to threaten what we have. Our friends have even commented on how "weird" our relationship is and some people have told me they envy the closeness I have with Ed as they could NEVER be as open with their partners as we are with each other.
Now- ideally, what I'd like to see happen is a serious long term relationship with DGF that results in the same kind of comfort that Ed and I have with each other and then of course, if we all share the same kind of bond then there would be a chance of my "safety net" coming down and everyone having equal roles.
At this point though, we've agreed that for the safety of our amazing relationship, we NEED to make sure that we're focusing on each other primarily and still working at this beautiful thing that we've always had.

OMG, EXACTLY!!!! This is like what Sonja and I have. We are still constantly bewildered that we can be so very in love with each other... We had no idea it was even possible to love another adult as much as we love each other. Our son just commented to us recently that he loves it how we always say the same thing at the same time. He's always giggling about it.

You are so lucky to have found DGF! I really hope Sonj and I find someone like that for us. I really hope it works out fabulously for you.
(Sorry, I cut some out of your post to make it shorter. )

Originally Posted by ErikaG

In our case, currently, it happens that my husband isn't involved with anyone else, and I am-I've been involved in a long term relationship with another partner for almost 9 years-that relationship actually pre-dates my involvement with my husband.

Yeah, oddly enough, we have a similar situation... DP's had a long term boyfriend that she was seeing for over a year before we got together. I have a boyfriend as well, but I just met him a couple months ago. The thing is that we're just dating these guys, but Sonj and I have a very close/intimate relationship, so Sonj and I call each other primaries. It just makes sense for us.

P.S. Neither of these men are who we're ttc with if anyone was curious. lol

[Ravin]

Butterfly mom, maybe I can answer some of your questions.

Our relationship, at present, is a poly triad that's pretty much a "vee", with DH being both DW#2's primary and mine, me being DH's primary, and DW#2 and I being secondaries to each other. She also has secondary relationships with several guys--one her ex BF who is more a "friend with benefits" at this point, one with another guy. I don't like her ex BF and wouldn't care to have him around, but the other guy is okay, though I made clear my displeasure when DW#2 had him spend the night--mostly because he's a heavy smoker and made the bedroom STINK.

DH and I share a DD, and DW#2 has 2 sons from a previous marriage, who live primarily with their dad and visit here on weekends and a month in summer. We plan on having more kids, DH and I that is; DW is happy to help with ours but is well and done having babies of her own. That DH and I are the ones legally married, and that DW#2 is a smoker (a big turn off for me), only nominally bi, and has a much higher sex drive than me, are all factors in who is primary to whom. The fall-out is that we're all comfortable living together (though I wish DW#2 would stop smoking), we all get along, and everyone is happy with how his or her sex life is arranged. Also, we are all happy with our roles in the lives of our children, and said children are supported and loved and their environment is stable.

Clear as mud? Poly relationships are always complex, even when they're casual.

[majikfaerie]

hey all
how's things with everyone? I've not been online much lately, since DW is here with me this week We're making plans for her to move up here and live with us permanently

[tatangel19]

Hugs for you MF! I am glad things are going well.

[witchypants]

Hi I'm wondering if I can join. My husband and I have been married for over 9 years and in addition I have a bf who lives with us and has for the past 8 years. We aren't all sexual together nor do I consider us a 'poly' family. I do however consider our arrangement to be biandry (I have two husbands) because there is monogamy within our arrangement. Anyway, DH and I have started ttc and I thought this would be a great place to get ideas about how to introduce children into 'queer' relationship arrangements. Thanks!

[erthe_mama]

Yay, majikfaerie, tht sounds lovely!

witchypants, that sounds like polyfidelity to me, but I could be wrong. Welcome!!

[paquerette]

everyone. I haven't been around much lately, been too tired with life and everything to be "looking"... but things are calmed down and I have some "interests." Cross your fingers for me.

[witchypants]

Originally Posted by erthe_mama

witchypants, that sounds like polyfidelity to me, but I could be wrong. Welcome!!

Perhaps. I'm not clear what 'polyfidelity' is. Anyone care to explain?

[eilonwy]

Originally Posted by witchypants

Perhaps. I'm not clear what 'polyfidelity' is. Anyone care to explain?

Pretty much what you have-- an arrangement with more than one individual that is somewhat "fixed". You have your husband and your boyfriend, and are fidelitous along the lines of those relationships-- you're not seeing others, nor does it sound like you're looking for anyone else, so it's polyfidelitous. Clear as mud, right?

I'm still stupid in love with my redhead. It's completely insane to me, I had no idea that I could love a grownup this much. I love my kids, I'm crazy about them too, but I've never had anything close to this with an adult before. He's fanfreakingtastic.

[erthe_mama]

Originally Posted by paquerette

things are calmed down and I have some "interests." Cross your fingers for me.

Yay!! FX for you!

Originally Posted by witchypants

Perhaps. I'm not clear what 'polyfidelity' is. Anyone care to explain?

eilonwy's explaination was pretty good, and here's another one: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyfidelity

Originally Posted by eilonwy

I'm still stupid in love with my redhead. It's completely insane to me, I had no idea that I could love a grownup this much. I love my kids, I'm crazy about them too, but I've never had anything close to this with an adult before. He's fanfreakingtastic. [/color]

Awww, awesome!! That's how I feel about my DP! Isn't it just ridiculous that you can love someone so much?

[MamaRhi]

I haven't been here in a while so I'm checking in. I have no clue where I was at last time I was here but here I am now. Maybe a re-introduction? Lol...

DH/DP1 and I have been married 11 years now, and while we are great friends I think there's some sort of disconnect happening. No passion, no "in love", he does stupid things that piss me off. But, other than that we manage to live together and be friends just fine. I still love him. Still figuring this out.

DH has two partners other than me, both out of town. This makes life difficult as my OSO is nearby and spends a lot of time with our family. He feels like a potential life partner and we've just begun talking of a future of living together/having babies/etc. He is the one person who totally 'gets my weird' if YKWIM. But I just got out of a very very rocky 2.5 year relationship with a guy who my kids had taken to calling their "stepdad" who was very wishy washy and lied to me about wanting kids and a lot of stuff. I was going to stop dating for a while but then this good friend I was spending a lot of time with turned into way more. I'm scared of getting attached, but this guy is awesome and we both want kids and I think I hear a couple bio clocks ticking...

I've always been open with my kids about poly. They're now 8 and nearly 11 and DH and I have been poly together since shortly after the youngest was born. They seem to take it all really well, but lately they've grown an instinctive skepticism about new people. It's like they're quietly asking themselves how much they want to trust this new person. A big change from their more childish instant trust of years ago.

Ok, that's all for now. I will try not to be gone so long again.

[erthe_mama]

Hey MamaRhi, welcome back! Glad to see you!

Oh, it's so nice when people are both your friend AND your lover, hey? That's my favourite. I bet your kids might take a little while to warm up to your new relationship, but when they do, I'm sure it will have been worth the wait. My son took a few months to warm up to my pDP, but now he is even referring to her as a parent! Yay!! Best of luck with the new guy and the kids!

[majikfaerie]

we're now facing the challenge of not only being poly, but living together, and all the complicated practicalities that entails. it's especially complex because DW is basically flat broke, and planning to quit her job and move to another state to live with us, and DH and I are pretty comfortable, financially, and own our home, and have a pretty high budget for food because we only eat organic. DW will be coming to live with us, and we don't want to start out with her being financially dependent, but we're also aware that she can't really afford to keep up her share of our lifestyle, which includes a lot of travel and organic food. so it's tricky to work out.
but at this point, the only thing that stops her from coming up here and moving in yesterday is finances - she wants to wait till after working through the holiday season to come here, and we all just want to be together NOW!