Originally Posted by majikfaerie
having poly r'ships with clearly defined boundaries and "primary" agreements is very common.
I think your post might be bordering on... something... that might make people uncomfortable. it sounds like you're trying to be hypothetical, but clearly isn't, and could potentially be ... something like offensive... to the people you're referring to.
I know I might not be sounding very clear here, but yes, jealousy is a normal human emotion. some people feel it more than others, and some deal with it better than others. To think that being truly poly (whatever that is) would require the absence of jealousy would be naive, IMO. A huge part of poly relationships is processing, and communicating about one's jealousy, and working together to deal with that in a healthy, loving, respectful and honest way.
Honestly, I was a bit put off by your post Butterflymom. Ed and I have been together 7 years tomorrow and DGF has been in our lives for a month. We both love her dearly but at this point in time
it is important for Ed and I to ensure the safety of our relationship as, IMO (and his) it's ultimately the most important. I hate the way that sounds- that's not to say that DGF isn't important however we've spent the past 7 years working to maintain a relationship that I HONESTLY feel is superior to most relationships. Ed and I, we are very unique and share an absolutely amazing bond. I've told him- he is like an extension of me. We are almost exactly alike to the point where it's actually kind of funny- at least once a day we say the same thing at the same exact time and I mean WORD FOR WORD
We also have similar thought patterns- just today I was telling him some of my feelings (confused feelings relating to DGF but I told him since it's so "new" I'm going to give it time before I act on anything because I think the "confusion" is coming from it still being kind of foreign to me if that makes sense) and he basically told me that he feels the same exact way and didn't know how to word it
Honestly, if we weren't different genders and completely different body types, people may confuse us for each other
We're also so close that some people are a bit surprised by it- I can talk to him about ANYTHING and he can do the same with me. Things that most people don't want to hear even... I've told him on many occasions that he truly is my best friend. I've never been so comfortable with anyone else in my entire life and he really is, no matter how cheesy this may sound, the perfect man for me.
With that said, I DO believe, with every fiber of my being, that Ed and I will spend the rest of our lives happily in love with each other. This is hard to assess when you don't know us IRL however I assure you that if you knew us, you'd understand exactly why I say that. At about 6 months into our relationship we got over the whole never fighting thing and we do fight almost constantly about the dumbest things and then we laugh our butts off about how stupid it was afterward
Other than that change (which needed to happen b/c the lines of communication needed to open) we've remained as mushy and intimate as we have been since we were 16- if ANYTHING our feelings have only intensified through the years. We've been through more as a couple than most people can imagine and we're still together and still going VERY strong.
THIS is why our relationship is primary. There is NO WAY either of us are willing to threaten what we have. Our friends have even commented on how "weird" our relationship is and some people have told me they envy the closeness I have with Ed as they could NEVER be as open with their partners as we are with each other.
Now- ideally, what I'd like to see happen is a serious long term relationship with DGF that results in the same kind of comfort that Ed and I have with each other and then of course, if we all share the same kind of bond then there would be a chance of my "safety net" coming down and everyone having equal roles.
At this point though, we've agreed that for the safety of our amazing relationship, we NEED to make sure that we're focusing on each other primarily and still working at this beautiful thing that we've always had.
Some may say that with a relationship so wonderful, I shouldn't fear it ending and should just jump in and relinquish my primary status. It is however because it's so wonderful that I fear losing it. I've even admitted to Ed that when I REALLY think about it, I know my feelings are unfounded b/c we've been through so much together, there is no way our relationship will end but for right now, because it's so new, I NEED boundaries so that I feel safe in this journey.
I hope that made sense...